SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with some of what's said about being careful having dinners and what not. It's not something that will likely occur again,I live about 5hrs away from him. I just found out this afternoon that my family has remodeled my childhood home in my hometown of Rye,NY and they want me to move into the home. They are moving to a warmer climate. Its something I am considering.
I think my husband is just hurting. Self inflicted hurt. But nonetheless he's realizing he has destroyed his life. He's miserable I know he's ashamed and his family is disgusted and disappointed in him and he is or was very close with his family and my family, it's all in shambles.
I strongly doubt he will allow the OW to be near our child. He knows my feelings regarding her and I will have full custody and I strongly doubt he's considering marriage to her. She enrages him now. He called her a whore, that she's rumored to be sleeping around while pregnant with his baby. My husband screwed up and made terrible choices,but he has never been one to have sex with a lot of women. He has never spoken so disrespectful of a woman the way he was speaking of her. I dislike her,but I did say he should not call her the things he was calling her.
I think he will try and get custody of his baby because she's not behaving in a stable manner.He will end up a single Dad.I think he will eventually remarry, he is truly a good human. He lost me, but I know he will never cheat again and his future wife will be respected and loved more. I dont see him ever making this kind of mistake again.
I dont think he's disrespectful of my boundaries he has pretty much left me alone to heal. I think he's just taking it hard me asking for the divorce. He never thought we would be in this place. We were very very close. For years. We grew up together and both come from strong families that marriage is sacred. We are the first couple in our families to divorce. That breaks my heart.

Keep focused on your health and healing. That is best for your life. Can your WH sign an agreement before the baby is born? Please consult your attorney and try to get signed while he is remorseful.

I reached out to my WH about setting some guidelines for the baby. He wants to divorce after the baby is born. He doesn't want his baby born out of wedlock he says. He wants to set up a child support fund for the baby and also of course help with whatever is needed. I believe this all sounds great, and I will run it by my Lawyer because I just want to have peace between us. This. Is so hard! Something I never dreamed, having a baby all alone. My family has offered me their home in NY because they're retiring to a nice location. I will be closer to my family. But it means I will be a lot further from my WH. I spoke with him regarding this over a zoom call last night. I felt...Sad. He just looked like I knocked the wind out of him, he held his head in his hands. He teared up. He apologized for all this. He says he hates that he will not be with his baby 24/7 it was bothering him me, being 4 hrs. Away. Now I'm talking about being a few hrs. Flight away. He says he understands it's best for me, but he cant be without the baby he wants to be involved as much as possible. I know it would be extremely hard if I move. So I'm very conflicted. I love my place now. But I am literally alone! No family, no support.
I want my WH involved with the baby as much as possible. Am I being unfair? He and I are trying to make this divorce as amicable as possible.

I very much admire you for maintaining some compassion throughout all this, both for your WH and of course for the new baby. Is it possible for him to relocate to NY also? There are still many months yet for him to find a job/house there. Or is the AP baby keeping him where he is? Those are important things for you to know and consider.

And the good news is that you do NOT have to decide anything right now - you have time. And I'll bet there is a new mother's support group where you are that you might explore. Or maybe one for separated parents; that might be better. Talk to your doctor about how best to find such a group near you. A county social services agency should be able to help you. That way you meet people and hopefully make some friends while you puzzle over next steps.

Just take your time.

Best,

Odonna

[This message edited by Odonna at 5:08 PM, Wednesday, March 30th]

Your custody arrangements will be determined by locations. And if he only gets to be a weekend dad or whatever you end up agreeing to, then he had to just accept it.

Go and be near your family. The first few years are hard with a newborn and the ever changing sleeping and feeding schedules. It might be helpful in the very beginning to hire a night nurse for a month or two so that you can get some sleep. I know friends that have done it and said it was very helpful.

I wish we all had a crystal ball to be able to see the future. I don’t know if your husband will be successful in getting full custody of the other child. However if he does, he now has an obligation to that child’s mother as well for visitation.

I think you need to put yourself first right now. We all know you are not trying to intentionally hurt your H. It is not your plan to get revenge. However given the circumstances YOU need to decide what is best for you.

Absolutely move near your family. It is kind of you to have compassion for your husband but visitation is his problem to figure out. If he wants to, he can make it work.

Please get everything in writing while he is still in this stage of extreme remorse. Hopefully he remains remorseful and will continue to let you decide what's best for you, but usually this doesn't last. FWIW, my ex gave me an easy divorce as a gesture of true remorse so it is possible. Your ex should be the one having to make it work, not you. Move forward with the divorce whenever you want to, regardless of what he says he wants. Follow your lawyer's advice and get him to agree to these things is writing ASAP to protect yourself.

100% move to where you have support and while you can be kind to your ex, his logistical issues are not your concern. He can be involved in his child's life without being a burden to you. He figured out how to deceive you while he was cheating so I have no doubt he can handle logistics of visitation and financial support.

I am glad to hear you are moving forward with your healing.

Thank You the1stWife and Odonna. Both offer amazing suggestions. I do try and put me first now. I am thankful that my WH is doing so as well.The mothers group maybe a new single Moms group is what I will seek out. Or start one!!! My WH would move to New York. He still in his mind believes he and I will reconcile. He has told friends this! I don't want to get his Hope's up and I dont want to hinder myself moving forward. He will use the baby as an excuse to see me Everyday. He's made it clear he doesn't want a divorce. I have zero plans or intentions of dating any time soon, but I am sure my WH would never take it well. I don't want to jeopardize having a good relationship with him for the sake of the baby. I know what is best is for me to be near family and away from him, it makes healing process easier for me.
But I can't help but feel sad for him. He's changing, he will be a wonderful father and he deserves to have full access to the child as well.
I wish this nightmare on noone.

I just have a few questions because I’m not sure how to interpret what you say about your husband and what you are doing about your marriage. You appear to think he is a good man who made a stupid mistake. Are you dead set on divorce and why is that? Have you asked him what possessed him to have an affair while the two of you were trying to have a baby? I’ve read that that is a fairly common behavior in men. It absolutely makes no sense to me. Are you happier thinking about being single or wanting to be married? Or are you one of people who has a real difficult time forgiving if someone has hurt you? There are people who can go to bed angry and wake up the next day and be all over it and there are other people who hold grudges for years. Neither is right or wrong. I keep reading about your attachment to him and wonder if you feel you can ever forgive him.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:44 PM, Wednesday, March 30th]

Cooley2here You raise some very good questions. I've been married for 17 yrs. We were very close. We were friends before we dated. So I guess the years and history allows me to see he's better than the stupid choice he made to cheat. Beside the affair we really had no issues! Why he cheated he couldn't give me a clear answer! He doesn't even know. He met this beautiful young woman she only 27 or 28 and he befriended her, and he says it just happened. He says he didn't have romantic feelings for her, it was just sex. I know in the past college years, he wasnt a guy that had a lot of women. He was very attractive, but he had some self respect for himself and women. He says he thinks sex is just sex. But he never was the promiscuous type. I remember we had a mutual friend who was sleeping with a guy friend and it was just sex for them, they wanted nothing more. My husband didnt think it was a problem, I feel there should be commitments. He did say he really started feeling guilty in the affair when it came to the point of meeting her outside of times I wouldn't suspect it. He actually met her at a hotel over a weekend and lied about it. He then tried to break it off, but she said she would stick to seeing him during "work hours" there were no dinner dates or anything outside of meeting up for sex during lunch hours.
So maybe in his mind ,he wasn't having an affair. I dont know. He just says he can't believe he did what he did. It just kept happening. She was aggressive and threatened to tell me. So he said he told her fine, tell me. He told me first. I dont usually hold on to grudges. But this loss of trust. The images of him sleeping with another woman, unprotected sex, I cant see myself ever sleeping with him again. My Ex fiance was a cheater, beat me. Lied. Didnt care if I knew about other women. I told myself I wouldn't ever be disrespected that way again. I am sure that has a lot to do with not being able to forgive him. For wanting the divorce. The fear of him thinking I'm weak, I accepted his bad behavior, he's gotten away with it. What if it happens again. I believe he has learned his lesson, but I hold on to the well, what if. Then I am to blame for not protecting myself. I didnt protect myself before. I refuse to be that victim again.
She's pregnant with his child and that I feel is the real deal breaker. Maybe if it wasnt his baby, I could try and work on the marriage and a long time down the line find a way to forgive. But now she's a permanent fixture in his life. I cant. She's Young, unstable. She's apparently sleeping around while pregnant with his child. This all disgust me. He put my life and health in danger. Just like my Ex fiance and he swore he would never hurt me. He did.
I believe that I can become his friend again. Co parent with him. But being intimate, trusting him. It's not happening. I've been hurt so badly before. I cant do it again.
He is a good human. I believe he's truly remorseful. I see the pain in his eyes, on his face his demeanor. But I dont have the strength to deal with this pain again. Our families are begging me to not walk away from my marriage. But I just feel so numb. It's only been 2months and Ijust feel sick with betrayal and disbelief that he could do this to me, to US. My past relationship really gave me trust issues. He helped me overcome it. But then turns around and hurt me in the worst way. I expected better of my husband. Its all still so new, I hope I can get to a point we can be friends at least. I definitely dont look forward to being single. I loved being married. I know I will never remarry again. I dont think I will ever feel secure enough to even date someone seriously again. My heart is completely broken.

Please tell both families this is not their decision snd MYOB.

They should not be putting that pressure on you.

I’m still not convinced the OW can’t be pregnant by someone else. However that’s not your issue IMO.

You know you cannot R with your H due to what happened. You know yourself best.

People around you should support you - in whatever decision you make.

You are a very strong and good woman. I think moving near family is a great idea.

If your STBXH is a good man he will move to be near you and your child and not expect anything but being good coparents together.

He should support the other child financially at least but should live where you want to.

That’s what a truly remorseful wayward spouse would do.

She was aggressive and threatened to tell me. So he said he told her fine, tell me. He told me first.

But he didn't tell you until she was pregnant, which begs the question, would he have kept it going and secret if she wasn't. It does sound like she perhaps planned to trap him.

I think you are incredibly lucky to know you will have full custody and permission to move out of the area. Most people have shared custody and the back and forth tension that comes with it.

Ariopolis He isn't against me moving. Now. Until he actually meets baby and I know he will change his mind. I dont want to keep them away from each other. So I am going to do whatever I can to sacrifice my feelings to make this father child bond happen. If I have to suffer so be it. It's what being a mom is. No?

Ariopolis He isn't against me moving. Now. Until he actually meets baby and I know he will change his mind. I dont want to keep them away from each other. So I am going to do whatever I can to sacrifice my feelings to make this father child bond happen. If I have to suffer so be it. It's what being a mom is. No?

I think you should worry less about being fair to WH and more about making healthy choices for yourself. Moving sounds like a good plan.
You'll benefit from the support and stability of your family.
His parenting is up to him.
Finally, suffering is NOT a part of being a mom.

Limoncello.

Your comment about you suffering causes me concern.

Yes as a parent we put our children first. My children are young adults and yes I sacrificed for them. But here comes the but…..

You cannot sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind for a child. Now this is my opinion so I’m not saying what’s right or wrong here. But YOU have to decide what’s best for you. And your child.

If you believe moving to be near your family is the best decision then your H has to accept it. You cannot stay in a place without support and family near by if you will be unhappy and struggling.

I was forced to have tell my H I was D him due to his affair. But I had a very solid plan. I was staying in my house until kids graduated school. He would get an apartment near by. And he had free access to kids whenever he wanted. But I got physical custody b/c he traveled extensively with his job.

Too bad if he didn’t like it. I needed to put myself first and the welfare of my kids. They didn’t deserve a mom who was angry and crying every day.

Please don’t think your child won’t figure out at some point you are not happy. It will be obvious. Your anger and resentment and unhappiness is not something you can hide.

You need to do what is best for you. Period.

If your H moves to NY b/c you and baby are in NY that is his choice. If he chooses to stay where he is now for whatever reason, that is his choice too.

He made his bed. Now he has to lie in it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:39 AM, Thursday, March 31st]

Motherhood is not about suffering. You do NOT sacrifice your health and well being for the child. It does not work. You do what is best for you and what is healthy for you because then you are able to make the very best and healthiest decisions for your child. And lead a life that sets a good example for that child.

Move where you want to, get situated where you want to and focus on your health. Stop worrying how he will handle it and let him do that. I think you are not giving him credit here - he could deceive you and juggle a double life without help. He can figure out how to be in his child's life without help too.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 6:00 PM, Thursday, March 31st]

OK something to think about and you need to do it fairly quickly. I have read many times about parents who leave the state with their children and a judge agrees to have the parent arrested. Court orders can have anything in them. One of them is almost always that one parent cannot move away with the children. If you are allowed to move before the baby is born, if that’s your real honest need, then you need to do something quickly. Once your baby is born your husband can go to court and ask that you not leave. And the choice you would have to make is leaving by yourself or staying with the child.

So I am going to do whatever I can to sacrifice my feelings to make this father child bond happen. If I have to suffer so be it. It's what being a mom is. No?

No, it’s not. Please change that dangerous line of thinking right now. We’d do almost anything for our children, but martyring yourself is not one of them.

Do what’s best for YOU. Your health and emotional well-being. Your child needs a healthy mom just as much as they’ll need their dad.

If you are allowed to move before the baby is born, if that’s your real honest need, then you need to do something quickly. Once your baby is born your husband can go to court and ask that you not leave. And the choice you would have to make is leaving by yourself or staying with the child.

I second this. Get what he agreed to in writing or officially recorded. Even with how agreeable he is now, that can easily change.

Just wanted to pop in and say my heart breaks for you Limon.

Affairs always devastate. But to be expecting at the same time? And his AP is carrying his baby? That is a whole lot of pain and trauma to manage at once.

I think you've done beautifully. I agree with the idea of permanently moving to be near your family. So smart.

I also completely understand why the OC means Recovery is not for you.