Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 3:15 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
I’m hoping you’re okay. You said your husband was going to court last Friday to find out if he is the father. I’ve really been hoping that he’s not! Given that the ow is promiscuous it’s possible it’s not his. Even if you decide to divorce him anyway at least you wouldn’t have to worry about your child having a half sibling out there. You are in my prayers.
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 3:23 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
I've been away a few days. Thank you all for the incredible advice. I read every post and always try and see things from different perspectives
Bigger I think asked about the Pre Paternity DNA. Its definitely done more often now. Its 99% effective. No harm to the baby. And for $$$$$ they will get you an answer within a day.
With that being said. My husband isn't the Father. My STBXH had his court last week. I am assuming addressing his Ex-Parte order against her and he looped in wanting the DNA because she was refusing , but wanted his money. I dont ask him questions about what he has going on between him and the OW. It's none of my business. I know all I need to know to protect myself!!
Him not being the father hasn't changed what he did. I'm even more disgusted; My husband asked if we could talk after he had court. He said he was pushing her away, but would have financially cared for the baby. But she got crazy, he got the restraining order. The OW had several sex partners. She came clean because she has another man claiming he is definitely the father! He approached my husband with a LOT of information. He's young and doesn't have money, so she didnt want him. My WH. He was too stupid to see this???! Shes a 28 year old. She had guy friends galore! Her friends were telling him she was sleeping around. My husband is 47 and he is well off financially.That's why a 28 year old wants you. But he was too blind to see it!! I dont feel any different now this has come out. I think I have less respect though. He was fooled into believing the oldest trick in the book. I dont mean to belittle him or speak harsh. He did come to me and apologize. He said he was so ashamed. He offered to pay for my move to NY. He admitted he was relieved. He said he questioned a lot of things she would do and say.
I just feel broken that he did this to our marriage. I know it seems like I am moving too quickly towards divorce. But I think I am just so hurt and I need to get away. Now all of this has come to light, I just feel another level of confusion and sadness.
I almost feel some dread. Because now, he has time and attention 100 perfect focused on just our child. Which means more interaction. I dont mean to be cold. I just feel there's just so much on my plate. Now this.
straightup ( member #78778) posted at 4:03 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
You’re amongst allies here.
I think this is good news.
It means this crazy person won’t be affecting you on an ongoing basis, even on the periphery when negotiating child contact. It might mean he can be a better and calmer father.
You’ve still been betrayed. You are entitled to divorce.
Personally I still think you should move and give yourself distance.
Don’t be conned into saying this opens the way to reconciliation, but you might want to just focus on you and baby for the next 12 months, and make the decision when the debris has settled.
I am happy and devastated for you at once.
[This message edited by straightup at 4:03 AM, Tuesday, April 12th]
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:30 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
I’m sure there is some relief that your H is not the father of the OW’s baby.
But as you said it doesn’t change much.
Welcome to NY. It will be a good opportunity for you to rest and escape the madness you have endured.
I understand your concerns about how your H now will focus 100% on you and the baby. However this is where you need to set very clear boundaries and expectations.
He’s not your H. He’s just someone you are D and with whom you will be co-parents.
Visitation and custody etc are all legally defined. He gets to be a part time dad unless you decide otherwise. But it is what you are comfortable with.
It doesn’t matter what he wants. If his demands for time with you and the baby are too much for you then he has to respect that.
Have faith this will work out. It always does. Praying for you
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 1:35 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
I don't think you are moving too fast towards d at all. Do what feels right to you and please move forward to get custody and child support and alimony settled whiles he's feeling regretful. Don't wait until the baby is born and let him change his mind and fight you. If you don't need the alimony, take it and save it for your child.
There is nothing that says you cannot change your mind in the future but you saw the red flags recently. Move forward hoping for the best but expecting the worst so you are legally protected and able to live where you choose. If he is actually remorseful, he will make the divorce easy and favorable to you and not expect anything. Let him work out his own logistics and problems and you can watch and take your time to decide how much you will allow him in your life. But don't give him the benefit of the doubt - get it all legally squared away now so he can't turn on you when the baby is born.
I'm so sorry he did this to you.
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 2:31 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
The OW had several sex partners.
I might be overly paranoid and you had already had one done, but I suggest doing another STD panel just in case. If she had slept with several other people while with your H, you never know what he might have picked up. Some diseases can manifest later than others.
He was too stupid to see this???!
I mean, who would turn down the sex if it was so freely offered to you, right? And from such a gorgeous woman too! Who could resist? /s
Hugs to you, Limon. Do what feels right for you.
[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:36 PM, Tuesday, April 12th]
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 9:47 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
Again, Brava! You are smart, compassionate, insightful, and kind. And you know yourself and what you need now. Being able to close the book on an OC fathered by your WH is a good thing: one less (big) ball in the air to juggle.
You know my counsel already, which is to take your time but keep taking steps forward to provide for your child and relocate. Take your lawyer's advice, but also look into NY law on divorce/child support/spousal support, because if you re-locate soon that is the law that will govern, and you will need a good NY attorney to help you. Talk to your lawyer very frankly about all this - the money spent for good legal advice is exceedingly well-spent!
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:53 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
I’m glad that your child will get his or her full share of the child support payment from your soon-to-ex and that the OW will be permanently cast into your past without lingering in the background as the mother to your child’s half-sibling.
From what I’ve observed from my time at SI, there seems to be what I can only describe as a "remorse paradox." Betrayed spouses that take swift and decisive action get remorseful spouses who are desperate to reconcile and betrayed spouses who want reconciliation from the start or are ambivalent about divorce get mistreated and strung along.
So if you’re ever second-guessing your decision or have to deal with other people questioning your decisions, keep in mind that you really don’t know how willing or able your STBX would have been to repair your marriage if you didn’t quickly choose to leave him. You made the best choice with the facts available to you.
BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 12:39 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
I totally agree with everything Odonna just said here. Wise counsel imo.
I know it’s hard, but I hope you can try to relax and just pamper yourself and your expected little one. Your strength through this ordeal has been inspiring.
Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:40 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
I’m glad he’s not the father as at least this makes legal entanglements between you less complicated.
I agree, changes nothing emotionally. He cheated and it appears that’s a deal breaker for you. That is perfectly good. You do what you have to do.
When will you move? I say the sooner the better so he doesn’t start trying to keep you where you are. Having him pay for it will show that he approves of the move. If he wants to follow to be closer to your child, that’s his choice. If I were him, I would.
fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
Thank You all for all the advice and encouraging words.I do feel more relief than I thought I would. My STBXH seems to be EXTREMELY relieved. His whole personality has changed. Possibly in my favor. He was never nasty towards me, he did have a meltdown when I came to the home we shared and finally moved out. But he always apologized for anything he said,or did that woustress me. He was calling the OW nasty names. He was fighting with her, taking her to court, restraining order. It was worrisome to me that it would affect his ability to be a good father. Thankfully it's over. I believe he has learned a great lesson here. He and I spoke with our attorneys and he is on board with me moving. It will be best for our child. Closer to my family and his. He has offered to pay for anything I need. He did put this in writing, so there's no going back...However, he has asked and keeps implying that he wish I would reconsider the divorce. Asking what he can do to rebuild my trust. He has asked to attend all the Doctors appointments. I was able to get away with not answering yet, because he said I looked stressed. He asked me to please think about it.
I do want him a hundred percent involved with the baby. But I feel a lot of pain still. It will be different once baby arrives, because I can separate myself. Now I have to be in full interaction. He wants to touch my stomach all the time. He wants to feel his baby, and I know its important for the baby to hear his voice. But I am struggling not to let my emotions get in the way of his involvement. I do appreciate his wanting to be involved. I am thankful for it.
Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 3:27 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
I just want to send ((hugs)) and my support. You are doing great.
Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 5:13 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
There are things you can do short of letting WH go to YOUR doctor appointments with you or otherwise interact physically with you. At this point, he is your sperm donor, not your trusted partner in life. Did you say that your doctor is his brother? If so, and if you still feel comfortable with him as your doctor, you can authorize him (best to do this writing) to share information with your WH about your appointments. You can do this no matter the relationship of your doctor to your WH in fact.
Also, he should not be pressing you to touch your abdomen or to make time for him to talk to the baby while hovering over your stomach. Have him make a couple of tapes that you will promise to play for the baby in utero every day or so if you think hearing his voice is important for your developing child.
In actuality, the more you detach the better your judgment will get regarding setting boundaries. You are going to be just fine.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:10 AM on Thursday, April 14th, 2022
Your H is not your H except in name only.
The marriage is over. He should not be asking anything of you. You should be telling him what he can and cannot do.
He doesn’t need to touch you unless you think it is a good idea.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:10 AM, Friday, April 15th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Mamabear312 ( member #59811) posted at 2:11 AM on Friday, April 15th, 2022
Others have given wonderful advice, but just reiterating that you absolutely do not need to let him attend your medical appointments. Your body, your rules. There’s no co-parenting yet because there is no baby yet. You are receiving medical care for a pregnancy, and no one is entitled to access to those appointments.
You can allow the doctor to update him, you can send him an email after each appointment updating him yourself and attaching any ultrasound pics you’d like to share, or any other plan you come up with that makes YOU comfortable.
You are doing awesome. I hope you can move soon and meet with an NY attorney. Take good care!
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 10:52 PM on Friday, April 15th, 2022
I am.in the process of moving this weekend. I have been referred to a lawyer in NY by my current attorney.
As far as my Doctor Appointments, I told my husband I would send him updates and copies of ultrasounds. He didnt want to hear it. He's so upset because he ruined his opportunity to be involved. He's been wanting a baby for so long. Now that its happening he's not 100 percent a part of the whole process. He's full of regret. I also told him I'm not comfortable with him touching me. I'm not even really showing and it feels like he's just wanting to touch me. It's not like I have a huge belly yet. Maybe then it would be different.
I will no longer be close to him. I lived 5 hrs away and some how that didn't seem far enough. But now its around 12 hrs. He is already acting strange. Texting me asking if he can come and help unpack and set up. He's realizing he and I are Over and there's a lot of distance between us now. Its definitely bothering him.
Everything is legal and signed. He is realizing he cant just pop in on me, or the baby. This move is a real wakeup call!!
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 1:55 AM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022
This update makes me so very happy for you. Divorce is never a happy event. However you really have reclaimed your power here and you can continue to decide what you want moving forward, whatever that will be. You should be very proud of yourself. I hope that having everything signed and legally binding and the move being completed will really help you focus on your own health and your child and not your STBXH and his drama and regret. That is for him to deal with on his own.
If you haven't already, you should definitely look for a counselor in your new area that is a good fit to help you navigate the emotions of being a new mom along with dealing with your STBXH as a co-parent. Even if you are lucky enough that he is respectful of your space and boundaries, having someone to validate your feelings and help you keep those boundaries strong will be REALLY helpful. Given that he is already testing your boundaries, I don't have high hopes that he will be respectful. He is still very much wallowing and not trying to make you comfortable.
[This message edited by clouds777 at 1:58 AM, Saturday, April 16th]
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:44 AM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022
Sadly your H is having a reality check called consequences. Something he cheater NEVER considers.
My H was a carbon color of your H. He had two affairs and thought I was going to roll over and just take him back after his last affair like nothing happened.
He was blindsided when I told him I was D him. I was fully prepared to be a single mom. He was beside himself with anxiety etc. just like your H Limoncello
You are doing what is best for you. And that is the most important thing. Welcome to NY. You will be very happy here. .
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:41 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022
I'm going to go against the consensus here.
You are extremely angry and rightly so. The reason every one of us is here is because of infidelity. The person who should have had our back stabbed us repeatedly. .
People choose to cheat because of something inside of them. Your husband is no different.
You might have felt differently if you didn't have to go through this hell with the OW. Not only did your husband cheat, but she succeeded in driving a deeper wedge between you because of her lies. She had both of you over a barrel for months probably knowing all along that the baby was not your WH, which further exacerbated the pain you felt.
I'm glad you are moving and getting some space, but I truly think you are moving way too fast driven by your anger.
WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 10:07 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022
This is a great update. It's wonderful that you will be close to family who love and support you. The biggest priority it taking care of yourself and your baby, and you are doing just that.