SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please stop apologizing. You have not done anything so terrible that you need to be so short with yourself.

Just b/c your CH has misconstrued the situation — does not mean you should take all the blame here.

Here’s the thing - you can always choose to change your mind. If you D and you decide to R, then that’s the decision you make. If you choose to R b/c you ❤️ love him, then that’s the choice for you.

The point is no one has the answers but you. You can decide to have a romantic relationship with your H without being married to him. For years. Or ever. You can choose to have a good co-parenting relationship and nothing more. Just two people who are parents and respect each other and like each other.

Take it slow. Do not allow yourself to be pressured into anything.

I reconciled with my H. It was very much against my better judgement. But I had nothing to lose b/c I decided I was going to get everything I wanted and re-define our marriage. He either stepped up and did what was needed or we ended up D.

I am one of the lucky ones. We R and it’s been 8 years and we are happy. My H changed. Not b:c he had to but b:c he wanted to.

And that has made all the difference. It was his decision to R and change.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:03 PM, Sunday, May 8th]

Well, for a minute there I thought you were talking about your past ex and I was very worried.

Just put one foot in front of the other and do what you think is best.

Don't beat yourself up.

Aside from the pregnancy, the emotional roller coaster is real. I hated my husband yet we had hysterical bonding for months. I mean I raged and raged like a freaking lunatic sometimes yet needed that comfort as well. It's mind-boggling and doesn't make any sense.

We R'd but even after year 1 or 2? I wanted him out. Sometimes I couldn't stand the sight of him. So he started to look for an apartment, found one, and then I realized it wasn't what I wanted, I was suffering with PTSD and still an emotional wreck some days.

One day you will feel you can get along with him for the sake of the baby, one day you will love him, the next day you will hate him, it's very, very normal. Today's decision may not be tomorrow's decision.

Just take it one day at a time.

AnnB...Your correct the emotional roller coaster is REAL.
StraightUp. I should have clarified no not my 1st.Ex. I would NEVER as much be in the same room as him, he still terrifies me, even though I hear he has bettered his life. He is deeply religious now. Which is good! But,I would never feel comfortable around him.
THE1STWIFE You always give such sound advice. Thank you all.
I don't realize that I am so hard on myself. I spoke with my Ex today and I was asking him why didn't he STOP it. He said he wouldn't have. So I have to realize I have nothing to feel guilty about. I just felt it went against what I I wanted. Cutting him completely out of my life. I doubt I would let the line be crossed again. I know that he and I cannot be alone and talking about "good memories " getting caught up in the past forgetting that he is a liar and cheat. Seven months of betrayal, and a almost pregnancy.
I set clear boundaries with him today. We cant be alone, meet in public places. Etc. I blamed myself because I allowed him to stay in my home, in a guest bedroom when he was in town. I needed his help in the nursery and I was not thinking about anything going wrong as it did.
Not saying hes the bad guy, he was respectful. He wasn't trying to coerce me into sex or anything. It was just a major slip.
I will let it go. Even though he has not.

I do apologize for being too much. My situation is overwhelming.

You are not too much.

And this site is here to be a safe place for people impacted by the betrayal of infidelity.

I didn’t know about SI until 3 years after Dday. How I wished I found it sooner.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:38 PM, Tuesday, May 10th]

Limoncello,

You are NEVER too much! I, and I imagine all others here, care about you and the journey you are on. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

You will get through this.

((HUGS))

THANK You everyone!

I do need to learn to ease up on myself a bit.

Ditto to everyone else, you aren't too much.

Post as often as you need to, someone will always be here to listen.

Like 1st Wife, I didn't find SI until 2009 and my D-Day was in 2005. I did so many things right and made a few mistakes along the way, it would have been helpful to be able to express myself and also know that I wasn't alone in this journey.

How are you doing this weekend?

Thank you all. I think I was going through a lull.feeling down and being hard on myself.
I have been practicing a lot of self care and as the weather has been getting outdoors, and I have been super healthy for baby.
I haven't seen my Ex husband. I asked him for some space and just not talk. He didn't take that well, but he had no choice but respect my wishes.
This has been a great past couple weeks.

Hi Limoncello,

I’m so pleased to hear that you are taking good care of yourself and are doing well. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing.

I’m hoping you’re settling in and have started to make some new friends and that your family has been supportive.

You have handled your very difficult situation with such bravery imo. Well done. Please continue to let us know how you’re doing because we care.

You are a very nice, caring person. It shows in your posts.

Don’t let your STBXH change your path or direction. Continue to do what is best for you. And your baby. Follow your gut instincts.

I feel as though you feel badly when you make choices for yourself. Especially if it’s not what he wants.

Don’t let it derail you — keep doing what is best for you.

I do feel a bit guilty when making decisions for my well being. I think it's more so, me being married for so long and making decisions alongside my husband, taking him into consideration. It almost feels foriegn to make a decision that I only consider myself. My Ex never smothered me, he was always taking me into consideration too, but it's a long habit I need to learn to get over.

No matter how it feels you are handling all of this very well. Focus on you and your baby and all the rest will fall into place.

It’s unclear to me where your WH is these days. Has he moved near you yet or just comes into town every so often. What are his plans for moving?

I am working hard to not be derailed! I am proud of the progress I have made.
My Ex. He's moved into NYC. He's now close, but far enough it's comfortable. Our divorce should be finalized any day now. Its really sad. My Ex isnt taking it well. He really didn't want the divorce, he's become clingy! I think he is afraid he will not be fully in the babies life, but I try to assure him he will. But he doesn't take anything I say well. He's very upset about the divorce. But he is trying in his own way to show restraint and give me my space and not stress me and the baby. Beyond that, I'm just trying to get used to this new life.

Limoncello, I am so very sorry for your pain. I can completely empathise, a week ago I found out that my long term partner (who cheated on me) has got the OW pregnant. We were trying for a baby in January. He ended it in the same month. He is staying with her.

I really, really know how it feels. As like you- I thought we were really happy. I thought he was my best friend.

Taking in a pregnancy as well as an A is a double blow. A double loss. It’s just awful. I don’t think it could get any worse. I can’t put the feelings into words it’s so traumatising. The rumination's not only include the A but also a baby.

I just wanted to reach out to say I KNOW how it feels. I am there too. I am crying with you.

Like in your situation she is very physically attractive, but do you know what that means nothing! I really do believe that they always affair down. Always.

Feel free to direct message me if you feel that would be helpful.

Sending you a hug. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Summertime22

FYI it turns out that the OW’s baby was not fathered by Limoncello’s STBXH.

Paternity has been proven.

Summertime22

The1stWife is correct. My Ex husband found that the baby is not his. Even though, it didn't make what he did to "US" any easier to deal with. We still separated. I ended up moving away (out of state) an I have been alone, I'm pregnant and I have been doing it all alone. I have family near,but it's not the same as having a husband. I miss my Ex too. I try t keeping touch with him for keeping him updated on my pregnancy. I'm half way through, and I feel sad Everyday our baby is being born into a broken home.
I know it's a struggle to avoid destructive habits like drinking and smoking and being reclusive. I didnt do those things only because I was pregnant. I know how you feel sad and broken. I am so thankful that I will be a mother, but it is also a thousand times harder because my Ex will always be in my life. I cannot not just close the chapter after the divorce, we have a child. He is very adamant of caring for me as I'm further along. I just want him away so I can move on. But being pregnant with his child has made it, impossible. Even worse is, my husband says he's still inlove with me. So there's that. He's not only wanting to attend doctor visits, he is always trying to swoon me. He has been very possessive and obsessive. He claims his every pop up visit is to check on me. To make sure I'm eating, not lifting anything. Stopping by because he wants to see if there's anything I need done to the house. I have a very handsome neighbor! Single as well! I have no intentions of getting involved...Not now. But we talked often. We run together. My Ex stopped by and we were returning from a run and I could see the jealousy in his eyes. He nagged me about running while pregnant and harming the baby. He just hates the thought of me moving on. Not to mention I messed up and was intimate with my EX a while back, and that just opened up all these emotions for him. I blame myself for this. I should have just cut him off, and disappeared.
Consider yourself lucky in a way. You have no attachment to your ex. You can work to heal yourself and find someone who will love and respect you. A clean slate with a man who knows how to appreciate what he has. I knew there was no going back, even after the affair. The trust is broken, you'll always live in suspicion and doubt. I couldn't, much less if the baby was his. It would have compounded everything.
I am so sorry that your hurting. I know its excruciating. But in time with a lot of self care you will feel better. I promise. If its possible, I would make a major move a new location new environment helps. A LOT. You can start over and you will bot have a lot of reminders of him, or her or this pending child.
I keep hope in knowing that, it will be easier still, once the baby is here, because I can give the baby to him to spend time Away from me. I will not have to deal as much one on one with him.
I hope you find the peace you deserve. You just have to practice A LOT of self care and get out into something new. That will help with the smoking and crying. It helped dry up my tears. I wish you the best. Please keep me updated on how your doing!

((HUGS))

I want to dispel a myth for you.

Your baby will not be born into a broken home. Because your baby will have 2 parents who will put the child’s welfare first.

And not having been living in one home with two parents and then moving to two separate homes will not be something the child has to face.

Point is your baby will not be harmed b/c you and your XH (or STBXH) are not living together.

What could be "harmful" is trying to make a family dynamic work when you know yourself well enough to know that the affair is/was a dealbreaker but yet you try to reconcile, knowing it’s not the right decision.

IMO that choice will bring you unhappiness. And somehow your child will see it or feel it. You will not be modeling a loving happy relationship or marriage if you tried to stay married to someone you don’t respect or have serious issues with.

Nothing is broken - except the person who caused this situation. And it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that he can learn from this and not be a liar and cheater in the future.

In fact, I would say you are giving your baby a wonderful life. And that is what matters.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:42 PM, Monday, June 6th]

Limoncello,

How truly kind of you to be trying to help someone else on your JFO thread. Proof positive that you are the good person we all see in your posts.

I have been away for awhile but am glad to see you progressing on your own path to safety and serenity. Keep it up!

Odonna