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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
My Husband Confessed to me his AP is pregnant with his baby.

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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 11:37 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I'm an old timer here and don't think I have posted on this thread b8t have been following.

You are an amazing woman! You are incredibly strong and clear headed and decisive. Often here you will find people that will caution on making quick decisions. Something I am not a fan of. When you know you know.

I am doing a positive slow clap in the awesome strength you have shown. Keep eating right and getting plenty of water. You need to keep yourself and your baby the number one priority.

Your STBX had shown some regret but nothing you have shared is real remorse. So keep on moving forward.

(((And Strength)))

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19250   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8730148
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 Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 7:05 AM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

tushnurse and EVERYONE ELSE who are absolutely amazing. Tou do not know how much you all have given strength. I realize I deserve more. But the encouragment Ihave received is above and beyond. Thank You. My Husband wants family counseling and he has shown himself to progress But I still need time. He has gone above and beyond for me financially with the move. He's begging for marriage counseling but I am looking out for me and my baby. I dont know if reconciliation is in our future. Even though he is doing all the right things. Its confusing. This weekend I am moving thousands of miles away, and he is so sad. I just need tome.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8730182
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 7:16 AM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

And time you should get. If there's to be reconciliation, it should be on your terms.

But he also needs to understand that no matter if he gets back together with you or gets with someone else, he needs to work on himself and become a safe person that never does this again.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 7:18 AM, Sunday, April 17th]

posts: 379   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8730183
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:25 AM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

I don’t think you need marriage counseling. You are not willing to Reconcile so there is no need for marriage counseling.

He needs counseling for himself. Period.

A guy in his late 40s having an affair with a 28 year old screams mid life crisis to me as well as the need for validation etc.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8730306
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:33 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

I’m not sure why he is not moving to be near you and his future child. If he’s truly all in with you he would be making plans to do that. Finding a job. Securing housing. Still willing to give you your space but being there to help out when you need it.

He’s not tied to anything anymore where you are is he? Or does he still want to be with the OW?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8730310
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 Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

Stevesn. He is planning to move, and yes he had obligations, he's principal in his family company. He really needs to be onsite often. He has been looking for a home in the city. I think he honestly believes that he and I will reconcile and he will be able to have a home again with me.
I had to make it clear to both sides of family Easter Sunday.I have no intention of reconciling, or seeking counseling.I definitely said a 48yr old man sleeping with a 28 yr old. Is so inappropriate and it Screams CRISIS. Now he is absolutely miserable. Yesterday he didn't even attend Mass and the entire family was so concerned. Saying he's so depressed and sad. He is constantly talking about how much he regrets he messed up. Family members have asked me to please find it in my heart to try again. I had to respectfully tell them to drop it. I understand they are hurting too, I was extremely close with my Inlaws and My husband was extremely close with my parents and siblings.
I'm starting a new chapter I am trying to heal. I pray that my husband and I can still have a amicable relationship.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8730323
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 3:18 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

You're doing great and kudos for sticking up for yourself and the baby.

His family needs to understand that it's not your job to take care of your WH's mental health. There are professionals for this and he's a grown man who can find IC for himself so he's a better father for his child.

((((HUGS))))

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8824   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8730327
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 3:31 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

Limoncello, you are doing great and are making the best decisions you can for you and your baby. I hope your focus and on yourself and this new chapter brings you the peace you deserve and that your heart heals quickly.

It must be hard to tune out all the chatter from those who mean well or just want an outcome that makes them more comfortable. You have every reason and right to be done, period, and I agree, the only person who needs counseling right now is your STBXH. You may decide you want to talk through issues downstream with a counselor, but any push to get you into counselling to R is just another big family rugsweep. After your history and your fertility struggles, I can't think of a way to ever forgive the selfish, foolish, mid-life character and morality crisis you have been subjected to. Of course he is a wreck, because he didn't think there were consequences to his selfish choices. I hope you let any responsibility or guilt for his mess roll right off your back.

I hope you love your new home and your new life. I hope you check in and let us know how you are doing. Best to you and your baby.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 371   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8730332
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

I recommend not ruling out therapy.

You're dealing with 3 of the biggest possible stressors people have to deal with, all at the same time. Once you're through the move, you may find yourself in the throes of feelings that overwhelm you, and a good therapist can help you through that.

Best wishes on your move. (I've hated moving ever since we couldn't fit all of our possessions in the back of our car.)

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8730344
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:14 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

Okay this may not be possible but the next time anyone suggests you give your STBXH a second chance tell them this:

If he stabbed me X number of times would you still tell me to give him a second chance? Because that is what his affair was to me - a stab through my heart.

I’m sorry you continued to be subjected to this emotional torture.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8730355
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HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 3:27 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

You are an individual person. You have an individual life. Only you know what best for you. I don’t live your life. So there nothing I should be telling you how to live yours. Some people can forgive cheating. So can not. One thing for sure your old life is gone. Never to return with WS.

Do not listening to people., they are not you. They are not living your life. One thing is you must be happy in your life. You live too many years to be unhappy. If you D or R that up to you. But don’t think if you R it’s going to be the same. He still has contact with AP.

That should of ended the day he found out he’s not the father. He not trying he seeing what his choice are. He doesn’t want to D because of all the money he going to have to give you and the baby. Losing half of his house, half his money and retirement How is he going to afford AP ???

posts: 61   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8731191
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I think the H is truly remorseful and regrets all of it.

Doesn’t mean you should R or not D. That is a very personal choice.

But from all that I’ve read, he regrets it. And now he’s lost his wife and soon to be born baby in the process.

He appears distraught. But those are the consequences.

And it appears he and the OW are no longer together.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8731242
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I am soooo proud of you (I know that sounds so... motherly, but it's true!!) I wish I'd had your strength and determination when my DDay hit! Stay strong - this is your life and your choice, no one else's. He can be the sorriest, most remorseful person on the planet... can he unfuck the AP? Nope.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 209   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8731303
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:06 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

You're doing great. Keep it up. It would help to have less contact with his family. Of course, it is natural for them to take his side and want things to be easy for him. If the tables were turned, and you had cheated, and he therefore wanted to move on, while you were begging him to forgive you and stay, do you think they'd be telling him to "find it in his heart" to take his cheating wife back? Nope. They'd tell him you didn't deserve him and that he should find someone who did. Keep that in mind the next time one of them bothers you.

One of my biggest regrets is that on DD1 I turned to my friendly close neighbor for advice, who was also a friend of my ex. He took my ex's side, in terms of saying things like "he really cares about you, he needs help, he's trying to fix this so it never happens again", etc. Coaxing me to go back, which in my ignorance and desire for things to work I did. Big mistake that led to 7 wasted years before DD2. Glad you're not going down the same rabbit hole.

[This message edited by morningglory at 5:51 PM, Sunday, April 24th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731431
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 Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 2:38 AM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Hello Everyone. I have officially moved.I absolutely love it here. Near the ocean is perfect,
when I need to be calm!

But it has been an adjustment, I have found myself lonely sometimes. Its sinking in that, this is final. I am single. I no longer have a husband and it's a little scary.

Everything just got "real". Its great being closer to family and they have been wonderful, but it's when I'm home alone and it's very far away from where I've lived for so many years, it has hit me that I am starting over. Friends and family have sent many calls and text checking in on me a d that I am so grateful for. My Ex Brother in law lives fairly close. He's offered to come and keep me company, we've always been close, but now it may not be such a good idea to be spending time with my ex husbands brother, alone. Not sure if that is ok. I dont want rumors or drama. Maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, but he cane over, we grilled on my deck, his Mother, my mother in Law calls him. He tells her what were doing. She ask, your alone with her? Hon Denton think that's a good idea? Does your brother know? He told her of course he doesn't. My Mother in Law is very religious and she didn't mean any harm, but she sees things very differently.
I have made it clear that I would appreciate everyone to please stop trying to sway my decision to divorce the man who cheated on me for five months. If the tables were turned, and I cheated a d then thought I was pregnant by another man. I would be banished immediately!! It's such a double standard. I know my families loved us as a couple, we were all so very close. His parents helped me immediately after I left my previous abusive relationship and along with my parents helped me rebuild my life. They are like my second Mother and Father and I miss them and they worry I will never let them see the grandbaby. This has been hurtful to so many. My Ex husband is seeing this, he's. Feeling it. Its killing him. I know he a absolutely regrets what he did. He sees how his selfish actions have broken so many hearts, (family and friends) Cheating and divorce is horrible. It destroys everything. I have had several family members call me and they're just brokenhearted over what has happened. How the family is broken, Sunday dinners to Holidays will never be the same. If my husband had a Crystal Ball and could see the cause and affect of his affair. He would have never done what he did.

If I were someone else, and I could get past the betrayal I know he would be worthy of taking back. I bet my Ex would never look at another woman again while married. I know what he did was way out of his character, cliche, mid life crisis gone rogue, which his is so ashamed of. Honestly I know I would be miserable in a marriage that has been betrayed. I need honesty and trust, and I need to feel safe. My Ex husband has told me that he hates himself for letting me down and making me feel unsafe. He knew he was my rock. I deserve to be happy and he deserves to be happy. I am deep into self care and the more I am, the more I feel sad and broken that my baby's going to come into this world with two broken parents. My Ex Husband called me crying because he was pondering over this. If only he saw all of this before he slept with the OW.
I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm home alone on a Saturday night, venting. Just pondering on how one stupid decision can screw up so many lives. And later the life of a person who isn't even born yet. Heartbreaking All I know is I will always do better.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8731545
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Sammich ( new member #80032) posted at 2:07 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

My BIL has been incredibly kind. He's paid for my move. A years worth of rent, it's a friends house who is now living back in Denmark


My Ex Brother in law lives fairly close. He's offered to come and keep me company, we've always been close, but now it may not be such a good idea to be spending time with my ex husbands brother, alone. Not sure if that is ok. I dont want rumors or drama. Maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, but he cane over, we grilled on my deck, his Mother, my mother in Law calls him. He tells her what were doing. She ask, your alone with her? Hon Denton think that's a good idea? Does your brother know? He told her of course he doesn't. My Mother in Law is very religious and she didn't mean any harm, but she sees things very differently

.

Quite honestly, I have to question your BIL's motives at this point. He pays a substantial amount for a move and a years rent and is now actively trying to spend time alone with you. It may be innocent, but at the very least it is highly unusual behavior for a BIL. It is understandable that you need support and someone to lean on, but I think as you mentioned, this will only cause more drama down the road. There is no doubt that this will cause pain and strife in your in-laws family. If, as you say, you have a close relationship with them, is this something you really want to do? Can you say without a doubt that the relationship is just platonic and will never progress past that? Unless your aim is to punish your husband, there is probably nothing worse you can do to him than to cozy up to and/or get into a relationship with his brother. You've been a trooper and have made a clean break so far. It just doesn't seem smart to further muddy the water and inject more angst and dissension into an already bad situation. Just my two cents anyway.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2022
id 8731605
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Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 2:14 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Limoncello,

I’m so happy to read that you’ve had a successful move and are getting settled in. I, too, find walking by the ocean to be the most calming place on Earth for me.

It’s only normal to be feeling a bit lonely in a new place. Perhaps consider joining a gym for yoga or other gentle fitness or an expectant mother’s group. I’ve met many friends through such groups. Also, when I’m home and feeling the need of company I find listening to audiobooks I borrow from my local library very comforting.

I must agree with you about the double standard being imposed on you. I also agree your ex would probably never cheat again, but you MUST do what feels right for you. Your baby will be loved whether you are married or not.

You seem to have such a gracious and kind personality. I’m sure others that meet you will see this and you will have many new friends soon. Please keep us posted so we know how things are going for you. Good luck and God bless.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8731606
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 5:56 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

It sounds like you're doing great. Stop seeing your ex brother-in-law (yes, that is compromising and he might have a crush on you) and put your energy into making new friends and acclimating to your new life.

Stop idealizing your ex. You don't know that he would have never cheated again. You wouldn't have believed he would have cheated this time before it happened.

Just focus on your new life, and leave your husband and his family behind.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731639
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 Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 7:42 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Beach girl Thank You! Yes. The Beach and Ocean are Everything to me! I always need to be near water. A lake, pond it just soothes me. Also I have found a gentle yoga class and the free reading room here in Rye New York is amazing.I love Podcast and Books and audiobooks. I'm working hard to change and find new interests.
About my Brother-in-Law someone posted that his behavior is not normal. He did find me a place, he paid a year of rent, he's always been very helpful, he's close in age to his brother, they're close we all were young together and we were friends many years. I dont think he has a crush on me. Strongly DOUBT It!!! He was just trying to help me out of a really bad situation. He also knew my situation with my Ex fiancee. I am not making excuses, I can tell it made my Mother in law uncomfortable knowing he was with me alone. I want to make it clear I'm not dating him. Not cuddling up with him. Nothing inappropriate is happening, were the same as we were or have been the past 20 plus years. I feel like he's a big brother to me! It's not like I see him Everyday. I'm not trying to get back at my husband. My Ex knows we were always good friends!!

posts: 56   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   ·   location: Midwest
id 8731668
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Sammich ( new member #80032) posted at 8:35 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Ok Limon, it’s your life so do what you think is best; as should we all. After 20 years you probably have a good handle on the relationship. I know I’ll probably take heat for saying so, but it amazes me how many women think men "just want to be friends" with them. Now I’m not saying to actually do this, but I would bet that if you sent signals that you were receptive to more than friendship, you would see how fast that "just friends" relationship evaporates.
You obviously have a lot of inner strength and the will to stay the course and carry out what you feel is the best course of action. It has served you well so far. But I’m guessing that the current state of your relationship with your BIL is more due to you and those qualities than anything he may be feeling/desiring. But in any event, I truly hope things work out for you, and especially with your pregnancy.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2022
id 8731681
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