SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Limoncello you have been getting a ton great advice and support. I just want to add that I don't think you should push your H towards his former OW. I suspect he hates her right now because he is losing you which he never expected in his wildest nightmares. I suspect that he won't want a relationship with her long term. Based on his behavior and hers, he deeply regrets his decision to cheat on you and all of the fallout since he's destroyed his life. He will blame her too and while many men will settle for the OW if the wife leaves, I don't believe your husband will. I think in the long term he will end up hating her and want as little to do with her as possible. Please let him handle that his way. I also don't think you should push him about his responsibilities towards the child. Let him figure out that all on his own.

I am very often for divorce in the case of cheating. I despise cheaters but I think yours may be redeemable. I know you don't want to remain married so I wouldn't presume to advise you but I do believe that if you considered R, he could be worth it.

I agree with KatyaCA.

[This message edited by Beachgirl73 at 11:30 PM, Tuesday, April 5th]

Remember, This AP baby can not be put on his medical insurance. So all medical bills will be OOP. If she goes for welfare , Welfare will come after your DH for money. Like they will get paid or take his taxes ect. Your DH does not want a divorce. He trying to delay it as long as he can. Doesn’t want child born out of wedlock. Like does that really matter. Who is going to know. When was the last time you were asked that question?
Stop playing your DH game. He playing with his AP. Don’t think he isn’t. Has a restraining order but still talked to her. She want him to go to DR appointments ? Want money, lots of money. Medical, furniture, clothes, food, rent, diapers,
Between DH paying you and AP he is going to be living in his car. If he can afford the car.

If she doesn't have insurance in her own name, the AP should apply for Medicaid now, in most states, pregnant women get immediate coverage. OTOH, once a paternity is established -- either pre- or post natal, most insurance covers "outside" dependents. As with child support, it's all in the timing of application.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 12:12 AM, Thursday, April 7th]

HarryD. Why can’t the OW’s child be put in the birth father’s medical? It is his child.

I never heard that before.

Anyone else who can explain this?

KatyCA and Beachgirl73

Your speaking the word of my family and Inlaws, and friends. They all say I should separate NOT divorce and revisit reconciliation in a year or so. I see my husband IS FULL of regret. He is doing apparently everything a man should do to fix himself. He's a good man and he F'd up. But he's owning it. This is all so new and so fast for me. This is something I have never felt with before. Obviously. Noone one either side of my family has ever been divorced!! I hate what he has done to me. But I do still love him. He has always been a great husband, a good provider. I do have my own income I can definitely take care of myself, but he always took care of me. I feel betrayed and I have. Long history of hurt and it's hard for me to see past this transgression. I feel I can only find peace and self respect in Divorcing him.Is that what I want NO. But I cannot see myself having a husband who has another family on the side. I believe in my heart that my husband is in deep pain and regret for this affair. He does despise her. Shes very young and sloppy and I know this is not something my husband is okay with. But I cannot get past the transgression. The respect is gone, the ability to trust is everything to me in a relationship.

I was in a terrible relationship before him. I feel I would be backpedaling if I were to reconcile with him

[This message edited by Limoncello at 5:39 AM, Thursday, April 7th]

HarryD the child can be put on the insurance once the court decides paternity. He will be obligated to provide all the essential for his baby.

[This message edited by Limoncello at 5:42 AM, Thursday, April 7th]

Limoncello,
It seem to me that you are rushing, almost panicking, to divorce because of your very real, deep feelings of betrayal. I’m suggesting, like your family and friends, that you wait and not rush in to anything. Feelings change over time. You could still move to NY and make a new home and establish residency there now. That would get you away from the volatile OW and IF her child is your husband’s and if he chose to move to be near you and your baby he could become only a financial provider to the OC, who would be far away.
I’m so, so sorry for your predicament. You seem to be a truly lovely person. Just, please don’t do anything without giving it some time. This just feels too rushed. Sending hugs. (())

But I cannot get past the transgression. The respect is gone, the ability to trust is everything to me in a relationship.

I was in a terrible relationship before him. I feel I would be backpedaling if I were to reconcile with him

Limoncello I respect your decision based on what you recently posted above.

There are things that are just dealbreakers.

It may be possible to have a wonderful co-parenting relationship and be truly good friends for your child’s sake. Doesn’t mean you have to remain married.

Hi Limoncello-

If cheating was a dealbreaker for you, that is okay! It is completely acceptable for you to choose divorce after your husband fathered another child. It is your life, and if you don't want to spend it with a step kid that was born well into your marriage, well I think that is a reasonable response.

There is absolutely no reason to feel guilt over not being able to get over your husband having a child with another woman. If you chose to stay, you would be living with the reminder of the betrayal for the rest of your life.

I'm a little surprised that some people are encouraging reconsidering. Some things are simply deal breakers. I personally could not live with part of my household income going to support an affair baby every month, or an AP-turned-baby mama who shows no intention of going away. He made bad choices, and unfortunately they had permanent consequences.

Limon, I think you're amazing and strong, and you're going to be a wonderful mother.

Hi Limoncello,

I think others have misunderstood. I’m not saying you shouldn’t divorce if it’s a deal breaker for you or if you can’t tolerate knowing there’s an OC out there. I’m simply wondering what the big rush is? If you want to move, do that, get everything ready to divorce BUT just wait a bit. I’d probably feel it’s a deal breaker for me as well if I were in your shoes, but exercise caution is all I’m saying. You are amazing!

Beach girl

The backstory is that Limoncello’s in laws, parents, H etc. we’re trying to get her to NOT D and reconsider.

The mental stress was taking its toll on her. Being pregnant was hard b/c it added to her stress.

You make a valid point Beachgirl that it is possible the CH will make amends and learned his lesson and never cheat again.

But Limincello has made a decision and based on recent events, she really has to do what is best for her. And only she knows what that is.

So we should show our support. Not question.

He does despise her. Shes very young and sloppy and I know this is not something my husband is okay with.

Doesn't sound like he despised her or was bothered by her "sloppiness" when he was impregnating her. Funny. How these guys suddenly can't stand the person they were ejaculating into for months/years.

I am in a holding phase with my WH. If I'd known where I'd be 7 years down the road (more D-DAys, more Wayward behavior,) I would have bolted immediately, finances and other obligations be damned.

Read on this forum more. 99.9% of the time there are ALWAYS more D-Days and lies and secrets. So you have that to look forward to.

If there was an OC to contend with? Aw hell no. I took one of those silly "What GoT character are you?" I thought I'd get Arya. I got Cersei.

(Nooo, I would go all "purging of the bastards" on people, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist!!)

BUT I would never, EVER stand for my WH's (admittedly paltry, nearly non-existent) resources to be split between my kids and someone else's.

Move closer to YOUR family NOW, while you are still 100% in control of you and your baby. You can make other decisions later, should you choose to.

Limon, I wonder so much if roles were reversed, would both of your families and others say your husband was rushing to divorce? Would they encourage your husband to give it another shot if you were pregnant with another man’s child?

Maybe, but I doubt it. It would be well tolerated by all in your lives if your husband bailed on you because he didn’t want to be involved in raising another man’s child, and/or in financially supporting that relationship. Yet for some reason it seems women are more expected to forgive, assuming their spouse is remorseful.

I completely understand that your husband is very likely a good candidate for R. But that means nothing if cheating and broken trust is a deal breaker for you. You’ll divorce, be friends, and co-parent amicably (hopefully he’ll be a bit less frantic by then). Maybe 5 years down the line you’ll fall in love with him again. Who knows?!

But a deal breaker is a deal breaker and you deserve peace as you welcome your first child into the world. I very much hope you move (and that he follows as appropriate, giving you space but being a present father), build your support network, and get the divorce piece done so you can focus on your little munchkin! Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by Mamabear312 at 1:44 AM, Friday, April 8th]

To me the key part now is to get calm for the pregnancy. R or D are simply two paths out of infidelity and I’m all-in on Limo taking the initial steps on that path.

Part of the calm is understanding what lies ahead: are there legal implications to where she files, when she files, effects on custody and so on. Is it to her advantage to use the period now when her husband is willing to negotiate or is she ensured everything anyways. Should she be on his insurance, have her own… Should she name contacts in case of medical emergencies, will she allow him to be there at the birth, is there a legal threat he can remove the child once born… There are probably hundreds of angles that need to be covered and the more bases she has covered the better.
Maybe a good idea is to have someone Limo trust cover as many bases as possible. Handle all the details and get the correct documentation and information in place.

I for one worry about the husband… As a rule if an alleged father refuses paternity it’s extremely rare that paternity is established before birth. In fact, the father needs to be subpoenaed, can deny paternity and then a court demands he give a dna sample. This takes time – like weeks or even months UNLESS there is some serious medical reason to speed this up. Not unless the alleged father complies – and that in a way is an acknowledgement of a high probability of paternity.
Court procedures and laws tend to be years behind science, and until relatively recently reliable paternity test pre-birth were considered risky for the child.

With the above I think the husband might be lying to Limo about his involvement with the OW.

Once the husband has child support for two kids and spousal support for Limo… I don’t see him as complying as he might be now.

Limo…you are doing great. I stand behind whatever you need to do. To follow up on Bigger’s brilliance, is it possible husband/dad is lying and already knows he is the father because paternity was already figured out? It seems odd that there would be court to get this going right now, like Bigger pointed out. Could he have already submitted to a test? Could he be trying to lock up money with the other woman on support in an attempt to screw over wife because he’s maybe working with other woman? I’m not trying to start something, but these are standing out to me as awfully odd circumstances i.e. meaning the fact she is in court now. Please get yourself settled and try to focus on you and your little one. If that means making the move, do so to ensure you have the support of the people you know you can trust.

Just want to chime in, I think you are doing great considering the hell your WH put you through.

However, I have to agree with Beachgirl, you are moving at warp speed, I think you need to slow down and not make any hasty decisions. Move to NY to be close to family. I'd put the D on a slow pause for the time being, your feelings are raw, not saying you will ever forgive your WH, but things do change over time.

Like so many of us here, we always thought an A would be a dealbreaker, and for some it is. However, I've been here for well over a decade, and generally the consensus is to wait 6 months to a year before making any major decisions about your future. I understand your situation isn't like most because the OW is pregnant.

Your WH is going to be in your life no matter which path you choose, IMO slow down just a bit and enjoy your pregnancy and don't allow all of this hurt to guide you. Clarity comes with time. You still love him and he loves you, it's probably not enough but please don't do anything you will regret a year or two down the road.

Don't allow pride to get in the way. Your friends and family love you and know you best, and it sounds as though they are also sounding the alarm to just slow down a bit.

Move closer to YOUR family NOW, while you are still 100% in control of you and your baby. You can make other decisions later, should you choose to.

This ^^^^. Right now, you're in control of where you raise your child. As someone who raised her kids away from extended family due to work constraints, I regret it now. My grown children don't have those close family ties or roots in the community that they might have had, and I think it does them a disservice. If I had it to do over again, I'd have done it differently.

Limoncello you are a gem and I love your username. You do not need to decide about the long-term right now. You can divorce him, separate, stay together, who cares. You have two pressing priorities: you MUST MOVE BEFORE BABY IS BORN, and you must take care of yourself. That’s it.

You can divorce and then reconcile. You can divorce and not reconcile. You can stay separated for 100 years. It will all be ok eventually, no matter what. I think this affair was a deal breaker for you and that’s fine. But you still don’t need to decide today. Move now. And take care of yourself.

All my best.