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I think I misspoke or have been misunderstood.I do not mean that I will suffer in Motherhood. My baby is my world. In the beginning I was thinking of never telling my stbxh about the pregnancy and just moving away.
I also thought about telling him I was pregnant by another man. I am well aware that I need to be in good health, if I want to be a good Mother. I am trying hard to make the best choices to give myself and my baby the best life. I understand I have to look out for me because one day this kid will grow and move away and it will be just me. I have to be okay with the life I built for myself after this child is raised. I am willing to do whatever it takes to involve my stbxh in our baby's life. Even if I miserably have to be sharing the same neighborhood block with him. I didnt mean I felt some crazy kind of way about myself. I do put myself first. I just want to clarify this.
I am trying to be fair. I am having empathy for my msoon to be XHusband. I had to drive HOURS to meet with my Lawyer, this is why I have a slow response,it's what I've been dealing with the past couple days. I thank everyone who gave me sound advice. My Husband put in writing everything he's promised. He was so kind and wrote me a 20 Page apology letter. It clarified so much. I believe it's from his heart, but I'm certain its encouragement from his Therapy sessions. It was what I needed to hear and what he needed to get off of his chest. We have agreed to set goals in Co Parenting. We both want the best for our baby. Ge and I both know. Me living in NY near family. My family (and his as well) is best for both of us. Baby will have both families in its life. He's not fighting me on anything. He just want full access to his baby, which we agreed upon with our attorneys.
My husband wants to save our mmarriage.He again made it clear. He also said he would sell the house and move to NYC. Which is only 30 min away by car. I cant say No. I just feel he needs to realize he has baby #1 and I dont agree with him just throwing money at it and having zero involvement in its life...That's not okay. He has 2 kids. Both deserve equal treatment. I didn't bring this up, but I think, I should.

OP - You've gotten sound advice from many posters here and I have nothing to add. Just wanna say you are a strong and kind hearted woman. In this heartbreaking situation, you still care for the well being of the OC. I wish you and your soon to be born child nothing but the best. Please take care.

Good for you! Well done! Brava!

I deeply apologize, I think I missed it. Has it been confirmed with a paternity test (one that has been seen by him and can be confirmed by a court) that the unborn child is his?

I have followed your heartbreaking story and admire your strong, compassionate nature. I agree with your husband that you should wait to divorce until after your baby is born so that it will be born in wedlock AND you’ll know for sure by then if the OC is actually your husband’s. I also agree that if you feel you will get the most support by moving to NY then that’s what you should do. It will also allow you to get farther away from the unstable OW. You have been remarkably strong, showing respect for yourself and others. Well done. I’m sending hugs.

Limoncello. You are very kind.

But sometimes in life you do have to be selfish too.

I am glad your STBXH agrees with you moving to NY. I hope your STBXH knows how expensive NYC is (I live nearby). I hope he’s prepared for the sticker shock lol.

I am glad you have a good go-parenting plan in place. That is the first step towards resolving the issues that can prevent good communication.

You are handling this rather well. Just sorry it has yo be this way at all.

Thank You everyone for all the kind words and wonderful advice. I'm just very thankful that my Husband is making the whole process of divorce easier. By being ok with me moving so I'm in a better place, for him not pressuring me anymore to bot divorce. I am considering holding off on the Divorce until after the baby arrives. I agree with having my baby in wedlock, I think it would be best in the end.
Babbu My husband had an issue with the paternity test. She refused to take one and there was this huge fight, etc. I wasnt speaking to him much at the time, so I just have bits and pieces. Then the issue with the restraining order. Well, I don't pray into their personal affairs, but he told me that she has agreed to get the testing, she's wanting him. She wants money and she wants this restraining order dropped. So she is doing whatever, my husband told me he has an attorney who is going for the paternity test, and to get everything legal with this OW. My husband has said, he thinks the baby is his, due to timing. I assume he should know, right.
I just hope he is able to make it right for his baby,if the baby is not his....I think its going to be, I don't know what to think. Not sure how he will handle it.

I would think that If OW was sure that your XDH was BF. She would get the test done. She then could go after your XDH for money for medical bills, living expenses and file for CS. Plus’s having it his child she could play more with XDH. You need to buy baby furniture, "You don’t want your child sleeping on the floor". We " need baby clothes " " diapers, bottles, on and on".

[This message edited by HarryD at 6:04 PM, Sunday, April 3rd]

Please talk to your attorney about the importance of timing in codifying his financial obligations to your child (including lessons/summer camps/college) BEFORE the OC is born. You want to have those obligations nailed down legally even if you do not divorce until after your child is born. The goal is not to screw the OC, who also will need support, but to make your baby the priority rather than the OC in terms of fixing legal obligations. Your baby should have the same standard of care he/she would have had in a world where your WH did not cheat and your marriage remained intact. If you want to revisit things later so that he can better support OC also (what if he/she is disabled?), you can always do that and I know enough about you to know you will be fair-minded.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:33 PM, Monday, April 4th]

Harry and Odonna. I have to say all these issues came to a head this weekend. The OW is to be in court this week(Friday) she's proving paternity and she gets to lay out her needs, if the child is my husbands. My STBXH was wise enough to speak with his lawyer and have everything sorted out, She is wanting him to pay her bills, buy baby items which he was buying, clothes etc. Shes demanding he take her to Dr.Appointments. So she is realizing that she can get a lot out of him. She's wanting more and more.
I had a meeting with my attorney this morning, to lay out my needs and expectations for the baby. To make certain what my husband has promised me, he remains true to his word. Here's why, I arrived to pick up large items from the home we shared,I rented a moving cube. It was delivered and I have hired movers to load it up, so I was there to tag my belongings. My husband returns from the meeting with his attorney discussing the OW and OC. He was upset, this is getting very overwhelming and he coming home to me literally finally moving everything out, was too much. He was telling me he cant go through with this divorce, he loved me, begging me to please not leave him. He started taking my things and putting them back into the house. Trying to corner me begging me to talk this over. It was so much that one of the movers took me aside, asked if he needed to call the authorities. I told him no, everything is fine. My husband isn't usually aggressive like this. But this incident made me realize he could very well, escalate. He could change his mind about everything. He kept maki g a comment about how he needs to be more involved with Doctor appointments and he needs to see his baby Everyday Red Flags popping up everywhere.
I dont ask for anything from him. I dont ask for money anything. I leave him alone and he has been trying to five me money and wanting to buy baby clothes. I just feel his attachment may lead to him going to court and getting a order where I cant move.
So my meeting g this morning was to discuss what happened, to get everything he agreed to on paper, legal. Have a map for the baby future. All the way to college. Everything is written up and sent to ha e my husbands lawyer look it over and my husband agree to it. Its extremely fair, and I do not ask for spousal support.

Wow. It sounds like you are on top of it. And I would 1000000% expect him to escalate and refuse to comply with what he has promised. 1000000000000%. I am so glad to hear you can see this too and are going to protect yourself. Fingers crossed he signed right away.

It sounds like he may have been on good behavior hoping you would feel guilt or pity and take him back. I do hope he proves to be a better co parent than that but I wouldn't expect it.

I do also hope this helps you empathize less with him. This is his problem and he is trying to make it your problem knowing you are kind hearted. Even this one incident of acting out shows you his true colors. Now that HE is actually experiencing consequences, he is lashing out. And this will absolutely continue. It is textbook cheater behavior.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 7:00 PM, Monday, April 4th]

While OW might get pre-natal financial help through the court, the Court cannot order your WH to go to doctor appointments with her against his will. But all her over-reaching will show the judge who she really is, and so will not hurt you. All WH has to do is make sure the court is aware that you - the betrayed wife - are also pregnant and that he plans financial support for both kids.

Another piece of advice: do not waive spousal support. You may feel you do not need it now, but life hands us curves all the time (like his infidelity) and what if you are injured or become ill in the future? What if your child is disabled and you must reduce or discontinue work? So make sure your lawyer drafts language that clearly reserves your future rights.

Also, the documents should give you full decision-making authority (after consulting him) on all medical care - including eye glasses and orthodontia etc. - for which he must share payment. You don't want him essentially vetoing such "optional" but really necessary things because they are expensive.

ODONNA and CLOUDS777

Odonna I will go back and submit spousal support. My husband is telling me to accept it from him. But I felt that if I took his money then he would have something on me. I don't know how it works exactly but, I will inquire about it.
CLOUDS777 I did see a different side. He is acting out. I think its getting REAL. He did apologize for his actions. He says he cannot believe that he is having a baby with a woman he barely knows. He possibly thought I would struggle and return home.
But, the lash out was a blessing. Because I saw the red flags and I did tie up loose ends.

Hi Limon,

Glad to see you're doing well.

I just feel his attachment may lead to him going to court and getting a order where I cant move.

This has been my concern for you since you mentioned that your H is hoping to wait until after the baby is born because he doesn't want the baby born "out of wedlock". Obviously check with your lawyer, but I have concerns that if you are married to your H at the time the baby is born he will have certain rights to the baby that he would not have if you were divorced and that may prevent you from moving freely. I know you are trying to be fair to him but I really hope you are looking out for yourself and your baby first and foremost. I feel the same way about the child/spousal support. Things can change quickly and you have firsthand proof that he will not always have your best interest at heart.

Take the spousal support. Even if you put it in a 529 account for your child. It will help with the crazy college tuition!

I am seeing a man frantic to save his marriage. You are one of the very few posters who quickly decided you were done. What has happened is that he is now the left behind spouse. He never in a million years thought you would do this. He was having a great time cheating but life got real very fast because of the baby. Why do cheaters not realize that sex without protection leads to pregnancy and sometimes disease. He just waltzed into la la land and lost his mind and his family. I almost feel sorry for him………um…….no.

Cooley2Here

Very interesting observation. Spot on.

My H had the same exact thing happen. He NEVER thought I would stand up to him. Well 2 affairs and 2 Ddays later, he was shocked when I told him I was D him. He thought he could tahr his last affair to his grave and I would never find out about the months of false R.

Good news is we did R.

Bad news fir him is I no longer take any crap. He won’t dare cross me again b/c he knows there are no more chances.

He has completely changed from the lying cheating jerk he was.

For Limincello - he acting irrational out of fear and rejection. He is no longer in control. He’s lost it all and is now facing a life he doesn’t wish to have and possible supporting a child from the OW, a STBXW and a child with his STBXW.

It’s all very sad. I hope he learns something from the ness he has made.

How is she proving paternity? Has your husband been ordered by the court to provide a bio-sample? Has he already acknowledged paternity?
The legal AND health systems are extremely reluctant to demand proof before the birth due to the risk incurred in taking a sample from the unborn child. In fact, many countries and states don’t take samples until the child reaches the third month after birth.

Hi Limoncello! Please remember that while your husband cannot oppose you moving closer to your family while you are pregnant (since the shared child doesn't exist yet in the eyes of the court), if you wait to move until after you deliver, he can (and seems WILL) file in court to stop the baby from moving. I would hope your attorney has been clear with you about this? It's quite important that you move SOON, get a doctor in your new city/state, establish yourself in that state, and settle there BEFORE the child is born. If he then chooses to follow you to have more custody time, that is his choice, and that's great. He'll then have a long distance custody plan with the OW's child if he chooses to be involved. If he stays where he is now, he'll have a long distance custody plan with your child and can have more day-to-day involvement with his other child. That's his choice.

I see HUGE red flags about seeing his child "everyday." In even the most peaceful and warm co-parenting relationships, it is not common to see one's child every day if you are not the primary parent (and even if you are). Sadly, divorce means sharing the child, while also remembering that a child is not a possession, and that the custody agreement benefits the child, not just the parents. I can promise you, if you choose to divorce him, you will not want him in your home every day when you are post-partum, healing from child birth and potentially working on breast feeding (if you choose). If you breastfeed, you'll legitimately have your breasts hanging out much of the time those first few weeks as you and baby both figure things out-- nothing is more intimate than this post-partum time, and you won't want someone you do not trust around except on his scheduled visitation time (for newborns, this might look like 2 hours a day/3-4 days a week).

Please remember that a custody order protects both of you AND YOUR CHILD. The more specific a parenting plan, the less chance there is for conflict between the parents. The less conflict between parents, the happier and more secure the child. You and STBX can deviate from the parenting plan occasionally as it works for you both, but you always have it to fall back in during times of strife. Also, each state has standards for parenting plans, depending on the age of the child. You need to know from an attorney in the area where you plan to move, what a judge is likely to order/approve for a newborn, and then go from there in your offerings to your STBX. It will be in your new area that you'll be filing for custody and child support.

Also, in many states you cannot legally divorce while pregnant, but I'm assuming you're not in one of those states? I cannot imagine the benefit of waiting until the baby is born to divorce, because if you divorce now you'll have spousal support figured out and the divorce finalized, and then just have to worry about parenting plan and child support. Being newly postpartum and figuring out divorce, spousal support, custody, AND child support is a lot. As many of us can tell you, postpartum hormones are no joke and they stick around for up to a year. Having things sorted now, when you're clear headed (well, as much as someone whose gone through this trauma can be) and able to focus on what's best for you and the baby would be ideal. Your STBX may not be worried about the baby being born "out of wedlock" (unless he's truly deeply religious, but that doesn't jive with an affair so...), but rather trying to stall in hopes you'll change your mind.

Lastly, your STBX may be a good person, but he's a deeply broken person based on his decisions. He didn't make mistakes, he made conscious decision after conscious decision to betray you and ruin his family's life. Until he understands his "why" of having an affair, until he's done that deep introspective work needed, he'll never be a safe partner. Maybe he'll come to you in 6 or 9 months or 1.5 years from now with that "why" information, and then great, you can consider reconciling at that time. But right now, heck no. Affairs don't "just happen" or "just continue." He better dig into his why before he attempts any further relationships.

I know that was a lot of info. I've been following along and cheering for you but not commenting, but I wanted to be sure you were clear about moving BEFORE the baby is born and the rest just came out. :)

Best wishes and take good care.

MamaBear, that you for expanding on what I wrote.

This issue is going to be front and center unless you resolve it right now. If you plan to move to NY then do it.