SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You had a previous post re: OW showing up where your WH and BIL were. And now she suddenly appears where you are? I wouldn't worry as much about your ex. As another poster said I'd be worried it's a ploy on your WHs part. I'd be more concerned that OW seems to be following you and/or your WH. I'd tell him that she found you and approached you so he can document it or you can in case you need a restraining order at any point. It's possible she's unstable. She probably thinks its good now you've left and thinks she can still have him. Not to borrow trouble but I'd also tell your WH to under NO circumstance let her know you are also pregnant. Even accidently. I would not trust this woman at all! I would be concerned with her reaction.

Take care of yourself and continue to rely on your support system.

[This message edited by childofcheater at 12:33 AM, Sunday, March 6th]

Your husband got a restraining order on the OW so it seems relatively easy to file and get them in your state. I strongly urge you to file a restraining order against your ex.

At the moment he is love bombing me. I have so many flowers I sneeze when I walk in the room.

Uh huh. And how many flowers has he sent to his baby mama during their 7 month affair?

Like I said in my earlier post, if he cared about what helped you, he would listen. Instead he is escalating his behavior to get what he wants. He doesn't care if his behavior hurts you more if he can successfully get you to let him be around you. The more you let him be around you, the more likely he can wear you down.

I think your husband and his Ow are the immediate threat to you. They are both liars. Of course he says now he wants to protect you. Why did he not want to protect you when he came home from having unprotected sex with another woman and was pretending everything was fine? Because he wasn't experiencing any consequences or discomfort. Now he is and that's what he's upset about.

What Clouds said. He's not concerned that any of this caused you pain: he's concerned because your response/loss is causing HIM pain. All the flowers and the offer of financial help and grand gestures are just tools to use, not from the heart. I'm sorry but he needs tons of IC before he's going to be in a place where he can actually have remorse (I'm sorry what I did hurt you so bad, you are a person with intrinsic value who did not deserve this) as opposed to regret (I'm sorry the consequences of my actions are hurting ME so bad, you are a prized object and the loss of you causes me discomfort and pain. And possibly loss of status and respect from my wider social circle. And a hit to my income/lifestyle. Poor me!) One is about actually valuing you as a person and wanting to make amends and (crucially) would accept if the best outcome for you would be to divorce and start your life fresh. The other is about valuing your utility to their lives plus some emotional attachment, but not enough to prioritize your best interests over their emotional, financial, and social needs. If it causes you further pain and suffering to stay together, if it's something you can't get over, that's ok: it would ease theirs so they're willing (for you) to make that sacrifice.

At the same time, don't think that he isn't experiencing genuine, urgent, intensely painful emotional distress over this. It will look like he's suffering and genuinely wants you back. That's because he is, and he does. But that's not enough. Why he wants you back and if he's willing to let you go so you can heal are what matter. If you don't have that, you don't have a safe relationship. It will just happen again, because he has not evolved to the point that he sees not hurting you as more important that not hurting himself or really, giving himself pleasure at your expense. Treating his well being as paramount and yours as unimportant. That's why the 180 is crucial. That's why so many WS advise other WS they have to be ready to lose the marriage, and do the work anyway. One, because they will just mess up future relationships if they don't, and two, it's the best way not only to in reality be able to prioritize your BS's well-being over your own needs to maintain the relationship at their cost, but also to make them FEEL that this is real and a fact.

I know you've seen him in the past prioritize your well-being over things he may have wanted in the past. You wouldn't have married him if you hadn't. But clearly, he's not capable of it when he really, really wants something, and you would be seriously hurt by it. And the thing was sex. Don't let him blame-shift. That's what it comes down to. He could have broken up with you. But it sounds like that was never on the table; he just wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it. He now has to prove to you that he understands why he would decide that was ok to do to the person he claims to love and married, and that he has worked through it to point it won't happen again. He also has to prove to you that he loves you to the point that he would let you go if that was what was healthier for you, because he loves you as a person. Otherwise, you're right back to "well, I do love you, but not enough to not go for something I desperately want at your expense. You can deal with being a little broken if it makes me whole again."

Instead of sex, this time it's you staying in the relationship. But it's the same damn thing. And that's what you would pattern as what a relationship is for your kid. I know you don't want that.

He can only prove to you he's worth risking more years of your life on with time and actions, not words or flowers. Right now the flowers and constant disregard of your boundaries are showing that he's NOT safe, that he doesn't care that reminders of him and contact with him are hurtful to you. You've told him what you want and he said OK and just did what made HIM feel better anyway, even though you made it clear it comes at a cost to you and you don't want top pay that cost. And nothing you have asked for is wrong, or bad, or unreasonable. You're newly pregnant, under a pressure cooker of stress, and emotionally devastated. You are entitled to all the time you need, and anything else that reduces the stress on you. He doesn't get to prioritize the distress and uncertainty he feels right now over your mental and physical health. He is F'ing up right now and violating your legitimate and valid boundaries to make himself feel better, just like he had sex with someone else because he wanted to feel good. Same motivation, selfishness. HIs reaction to temptation is selfishness and his reaction to emotional distress is selfishness too. Maybe with time and intense counseling he will make himself into a good person (not a nice one, a good one! Who respects your mental and emotional health to the point he won't damage them to make himself feel better/pleasure!)) and become a safe partner. It's far more likely that he won't, because it's a monumental task. The best thing you can do for yourself is to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Let you and your IC come up with good solid boundaries for how much contact (which can be no contact for a good while) you can have with him. Let him know that you know that his violations of your boundaries will each be a nail in the coffin of divorce, because you see them for what they are - selfishness, prioritizing his emotional needs over damage to your own. Remember you taking care of yourself is not taking actions to hurt him. It's the consequences of his own actions hurting him. If he beat you and put you in the hospital the bills wouldn't be you trying to punish him financially. You needing time and space to heal your emotional wounds and help reduce stress so you body can grow a healthy baby are not any different.

All my love and support to you. Put yourself and your baby first in this, always.

Everything HellFire said. He's a liar.

Quite a coincidence that your ex is suddenly looking for you..now ....when your husband is desperately trying to get you back..and of course he wants you to stay with him..so he can protect you.

Bullshit. He's lying. He's making it up. He's trying to scare you into coming back home.

I was thinking the same...how coincidental, so he gets to be the KISA...(knight in shining armour)...almost like you should put aside what he's done and do that you have an enemy in common (your Ex)

It sounds like she is getting frustrated with him and tried to scare you away from reconciling. He has to establish paternity because you don't want her in your life.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:14 PM, Wednesday, March 9th]

Just checking in....hope you're doing ok!

You have gotten some very good advice on many fronts, most recently to be wary about viewing his words as reflecting his true feelings and wants. Let time show you what is true by observing his actions. Take the peace of your new abode and the distance from him to make some new friends and do some COOKING for them. Talk about things other than what brought you there. Just delight in life a bit and let time give you peace and wisdom.

It's been a while since I gave an update. I have been doing well. My pregnancy has been quite easygoing. I exercise and eat really healthy, and I have been keeping my stress at a minimum! Until last night, I haven't seen my husband in weeks. Though, friends have told me he's constantly asking about me and the baby. He worries for me a lot. I have continued to avoid him, I don't accept calls or text or gifts. He has respected my decision. Well, until, last night. He returned from Italy, he went to visit his family. He decided to fly into town and pay me a visit. He did apologize for just popping up at my door, but he claims he just had to see me. He worries about me and he's still very upset about me filing for a divorce. He seemed to prepare a speech explaining how he is getting help, working on himself, trying hard to improve his inner self. He needed to see me in person, to tell me he is sorry for blowing up our marriage. He counseling has him feeling ashamed and disgusted. His visit back home to Italy ended up being shunned by his family. The family knows now we are separated and they are very disappointed, in him. He seems to be taking all responsibility for his actions. Even though he did cry a bit, he says he understands why I could never forgive what he's done. He says he still loves me and is still inlove with me, doesn't want to lose me, but he knows it's not fair to me. He was very gentle and kind. He has always been good to me in that way, but I really appreciated his openness and honesty. I could see it was good for him to get this out, to speak to me. He has also retuned to church regularly and has joined a men's group there and has other men, in similar situations to talk to. I'm happy he is getting help. He says he has found many inner issues he didnt realize he had. Many things he felt, but was unaware of. He seems "better" He kept telling me how beautiful I was, which was sweet. He wasn't saying it in a creepy perverted way, he was genuinely being kind. I think it's the pregnancy and my lack of stress, and finding some inner peace.
My life is different now. He told me he absolutely loved my house. Yet he hated that we weren't together. He wants me to be happy and he just wants to always make sure that I'm ok. My Ex was in town and he was asking around about me. Looking for me, why I don't know. He had reached out to some friends, but noone told him anything. My husband said this really worries him, and it made him feel terrible inside because he feels his cheating, broke us up, I'm alone and he cant protect me. He is worried sick that if something happens to me, he is ultimately to blame! Because of him, I'm now alone. He did ask if I could ever rethink the divorce and love him again. I asked him to please not discuss it. We were having such good conversation and I dont want to think about my failed marriage and the pain I am trying so hard to overcome. He apologized, where before he was pushy, and desperate. He had a hotel in the city, he asked if we could meet for dinner before he flies out, I said yes. Meeting for dinner wouldn't hurt. I hope he and I can make some peace before the baby arrives. Its terrible what the baby is being born into, I dont want to have a vile relationship between its father and I. I think talking is good, and I respect that he is trying to be a better man now.

Any further news about AP’s pregnancy?

I agree about the restraining order. I don't know if a person has to actually do something to be able to file for a restraining order. One of the friends he approached asking about me, said he was saying repeatedly he wanted to see me. He didn't seem threatening, just strange out of the blue.Its been so many years! I may be naive but maybe he wants to apologize?? I was in a rehab hospital after I came out of the Coma. I never saw him in person, I never had a conversation with him. I did recieve a message from him through his Father, who was just torn apart by everything. He said his son, was mentally sick, he was in jail. But is going to go away and seek help. He was under the influence when he beat me, didn't realize what he had done, until he woke up in jail, with his hands cut up.
So maybe he's turned his life around and he isn't seeking to harm me.

The OW is still pregnant. She has seemingly come to her senses. My husband told me she's reached out. Agreeing to a paternity test. But he says he is sure the baby is his. The pregnancy timeline, I guess he would know. She asking to see him, asking him to go to appointments with her. But he doesn't want to lift the R.O. against her. My brother in law told me the O.W. contacts him relaying messages. Claiming she's inlove with him and needs him. She's trying to figure out if I have divorced him yet. She vile, I heard she was telling people that I have a boyfriend and I am living with him. This was a recent rumor and it's spreading like wildfire, my husband asked me. I sensed something was bothering him, like there was something he wanted to say but wasn't. Then he finally asked. But he didnt know it's his Girlfriend spreading lies about me. I'm trying to get my divorce. But my husband says he doesn't want to sign the papers.
Also the OW doesn't know I am pregnant. Everyone says I should not let anyone know. If she finds out she will lose it. She may try and harm me. I'm not afraid of her, but I dont want to deal with her. Ever. I know because she is carrying my husbands child. He and I will never reconcile because of her. I dont want her in my life. If she weren't pregnant, I may consider reconciliation. But not now. I just want to be alone. I want peace.

My heart breaks for you. You are pregnant and this should be the most exciting time of your life. 😢

I think you should get a restraining order against the X who beat you. He doesn’t get a chance to apologize or explain. That ship has sailed IMO.

I think you should get a restraining order against the pregnant OW. She’s out to destroy you. You know that. She will find out you are pregnant and that may ramp up her need to destroy you further. She appears to have a "I will stop at nothing to get what I want" mentality.

My wish is for you to find peace, calm and joy. For your health and the baby’s health.

Thank you for updating us. I have been worried about you. You seem to be such a gentle, calm person but you also have enough self esteem to set up good boundaries for yourself. I admire you. Your story is quite heartbreaking as I think your husband truly loves you and regrets his affair. I totally understand your position as well. The ow sounds like a nightmare, actually unbalanced. I would not want her in my life either. The best ending would be for the child NOT to be your husband’s, however, I don’t know how realistic that is. I’m wishing you and your little one the very best. Please keep us posted.

I'm glad your WH finally "gets" it and is actually listening to your needs. Probably too little too late, but in the end the both of you have to co-parent your child.

Please stay vigilant. I'm more worried about your ex seeking you out than a hysterical pregnant woman.

Did you meet your husband for dinner? How did it go, peaceful I hope.

Thank You everyone for the concern for me. I am doing better now that I have removed myself from this situation as much as possible. I really miss being married and having my husband making me feel secure and safe.
My biggest worry is my EX looking for me. Not knowing "why" after all these years. I've been married 17yrs and not once has he tried to reach me. My husband has started asking me to please come home. He will live in the space above the garage, he is really concerned and wants to confront him, himself. I do want that to happen, I feel we are no longer together and divorcing, he shouldn't concern himself with my troubles. I don't want him to get himself into trouble over me. I asked him to please not worry, I know that everyone in our circle of friends are flipping out about it.
I do not worry about the OW, not fear wise. She stirs up trouble with my husband even with the restraining order! She relays messages and she is unstable. I believe she's 6 months pregnant now, maybe its hormones? I did meet my husband for dinner and he now realizes he is going to have to figure out a way to include him in his life, the baby will be here soon. He will have to support the baby, co parent with her. She wants to get married to him. I think her acting out is her feeling hurt because he doesn't seem to be inlove with her anymore?
Over dinner I was open and honest with him. I think if he wants to be with her, he should. I know my husband.He is a man who is very measured. I don't know if he was having this affair for so long with her and didn't fall inlove with her,or just use her for sex???!!! It just isn't like him.
He became a little angry for saying that. He said, I almost despise her, I don't want her. I want you. But I feel like he's just saying it to not hurt me more. He seems to be overly protective of me. He very careful not to say anything he feels will hurt me. Why suddenly does he despise her? He slept with her for 7 months!!!
He did return home, he didn't want to leave. He begged me to consider coming back. Think he's in denial of the divorce papers that he needs to sign. I want a healthy relationship with him. But he's saying that he loves me and I don't want him to think I'm leading him on. I don't want to give him the wrong impression. I don't want to be in conflict with the OW and provoke her craziness to lash out at me. I just pray she doesn't find out about my pregnancy. If she does, I hope its farther out and she may assume the baby is not his. She will definitely flip if she knows that I am pregnant.

I think for your sake that you shouldn't have any more dinners with him. It has clearly been turned into a way for him to keep trying to convince you to move back in with him, stop the divorce, and most importantly IMO - push your boundaries. I don't think that a WS who pushes the BS's boundaries is remorseful or "getting it" because remorseful WSes sign the papers while making it known that it's not what they wanted. But at least they still sign the papers.

You have feared in the past that he would fight you in a divorce to not go through with it and I think this is what the start of that looks like. What if he never gets it? How long do you plan on waiting if he won't sign?

IMO, the majority of affairs, the AP's use each other for sex.

My WH and his AP exchanged "I Love You's", it was all bullsh*t, he dumped her on D-Day, and it didn't take him long to absolutely despise her. One week they exchanged all these X-rated, lovey-dovey emails, a few weeks later, he called her a wh*re when she tried to reach out to him. The funny thing is, she continued a little game by making up these bogus emails to try to reel him in again, she actually thought he loved her. Too many OW think they are something special.

Unlike the above poster, I don't see anything wrong with you keeping a limited, open dialogue with your WH. Even though he did a shitty thing, he's still the father of your child.

I'm so sorry, this should be one of the happiest times of your life.

I don't want to be in conflict with the OW and provoke her craziness to lash out at me. I just pray she doesn't find out about my pregnancy. If she does, I hope its farther out and she may assume the baby is not his. She will definitely flip if she knows that I am pregnant.

You do realize, depending on her relationship with your H, she may wind up caring for both of your H's children at the same time.

If you D your H, and he marries her, (this is not far fetched whatsoever) she will be caring for your child half of the time (depending on custody).

You said she contacted you already. Maybe you should be prepared to get a restraining order like your H did.

I know your H said he despised her, but he has 18 years to think about paying support for two children. It's not out of the realm of possibility, esp. if you completely reject him.