SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity is fantasy, and often the way we think about infidelity can be fantasy too.

Is there a Florence or Milan in the Midwest?
If you are implying that you are a US citizen with family in Italy… well… until the baby is born you can go wherever you are (medically) allowed. Unless you are in Midwest-Afghanistan and in Taliban-territory a husband can’t restrict your freedom to travel. Only be clear that you have medical coverage for wherever you go. You won’t be kicked out of an Italian hospital, but you could expect a hefty bill.

Will different laws apply? Probably not. Not unless you have dual citizenship. If your husband wants access to the child he can probably sue for that either internationally or in the state you resided in while married.

Once again: Fantasy.
Talk to an attorney and learn your rights.

OW persistent? Of course. Your husband had a relationship with her and now he’s bailing out. I’m not defending her, but she won’t slip away into the night. She will be there. IF you were intent on staying with your husband I would suggest you ask the attorney you are hopefully going to see TOMORROW on how to legally keep her away. Once the baby is born the result of paternity will be the base from where you two as a couple establish a future relationship with her/baby.

I told him I wanted a divorce. I want to be amicable and I don't want to fight or hurt each other. He begged and begged me to reconsider. I was strong I told him I couldn't.
He said he loved me and he knows that he hurt me and he loves me too much to keep me trapped in a unhappy marriage.

I hope you meant what you said and that you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's quite likely he'll take you seriously and then at some point, go play "happy family" with the OW. Cheaters tend to feel anxiety about ending up alone and it's not until they've done the REAL work of reconciliation that they've got their head on straight.

I'm not saying you should fight for your cheater or your marriage. Personally though, I believe in keeping as many options open early on as possible. BE SURE you mean the things you say.

Limon, please put yourself FIRST. Even if you move away, your child can still have visits with him. They can still meet his parents. They can have a relationship long distance and video chat frequently. YOU need a support system. YOU and your baby are the victims in this. Don't put him first again and put you and your baby second by staying here when moving back to your family is the best choice for you. Talk to a family lawyer ASAP and figure out what your options are regarding pregnancy, birth, and what legal tricks he can play to keep you there then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

To ChamomileTea. Yes I meant what I said. I hate fighting and animosity. I know I wont be happy with a husband who has essentially has another family! I think maybe he should be with her if he realizes he loves her. I dont know if he really loves me anymore, because he wouldn't have cheated on me for 7 months.
I know he may move on quickly. I know he liked being married or the idea of it. He wanted a big family, lots of kids. The OW is very young, she can give him what he wants. Subcontiously maybe that's why he wanted her? Shes extremely beautiful, she young and can give him a family.
I know this lying and cheating is so put of Character for my husband and I think maybe he is better off without me. He comes from a huge family, He wanted kids from the start. We tried and tried. I had a previous relationship that was extremely abusive. I was a victim of domestic violence and I was 7 months pregnant when I suffered terrible miscarriage due to the abuse, which is why I had such a hard time conceiving.
My husband always said he didn't care. He loved me. We will try everything and he would be happy to even adopt as long as it was with me. I think he was just saying that. He has 7siblings all of them are happily married and all have 5 or more kids each.
He and I are the only ones with none. I think he is really bothered by this.
When I told him about the divorce I wanted. We did talk about me not being able to conceive. He still swears he didnt care...I don't believe it.
I mentioned my family is in Florence. I usually visit once a year. My sister has offered to help me find a home in Milan where she lives, I was born and raised in Italy came to the states after college. My Dad is Italian American lived in New York then retired back to Italy. So I love Italy. But Milan is like New York expensive and I cant do it alone. My husband is from Almafi, there's no way he would move there again. His life is here, and I don't know if he would give me a hard time if I left. If I tell him about the baby after it is born. I dont know what his reaction would be.
He will be a father already with this OW. He will be dedicated and involved with this his baby, maybe once I give him the news he may not care as much.
Maybe he will be with the OW and she definitely wouldn't want me back in his life.
Maybe him having the OC first will play in my favor?
I told him I was going to be out by the end of the week, I strongly doubt I can move to Italy that quickly. I plan on visiting for a while my family is very concerned.
My Brother is afraid of me getting into another domestic abuse situation again!! When I tried to leave, that's when I was beaten and lost my baby. So my siblings are so scared for me. (I did tell them I'm pregnant.)
I have a few days to figure things out. I do have a couple of close friends here in the city. THEY just found out today that I'm expecting and what I am planning to do. They are offering to help me in anyway they can as well.

Listen, Limon. Whatever your H feels or thinks, that is NONE of your concern right now. Right now, your focus should be on YOU and your unborn child.

Good to hear that you have friends nearby. Don't be afraid to rely on them. Hope you can make that visit to your family.

As long as you've thought it through, then yeah.. I'd say going to family would be your best bet. You'll need the real life support of people who care about you.

Hi Limoncello,

It seems that you have arrived at one of those nodes of your life (which directs you to several possible paths).

Two things:

- Short term consideration : you are pregnant, so it doesn't seem the right time to initiate such a major life change. You need serenity to welcome the child you are carrying as best as possible.

- Long term considération: You and your child need to be surrounded by people you can lean on every day. You need people you can trust around you.

Your husband doesn't seem to be that kind of person. A "good guy" doesn't do what he did. And there is the uncertainty caused by this OW: will she come and harass you if you stay here?

Remember that the advisors are not the payers, so what you are told here should be taken with a grain of salt.

I think that your short term and long term interests are different. And that your best bet would be to focus on the long term as soon as possible.

If you have reliable people waiting for you in Milan and Florence, then maybe that's where you should go to have your pregnancy monitored. You should not be ashamed to consider this option, it is the one that protects you and your child the most in the long term.

You can be honest with your husband, but protect yourself from him and his OW anyway.

Look out for your long-term interests and protect yourself and your child.

Friendly,

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 7:30 AM, Monday, February 21st]

Sadly if you stay in your current location the OC is a half-sibling. Everyone in your town will know.

If his parents are going to welcome this grandchild into the family, then that is another issue you will have to face if you decide to stay where you are. Or decide to stay married / reconcile.

I’m so sorry for you.

jujuchrist and 1stwife. Thank you for commenting.I have pondered what decision to make over and over! I think the family will welcome the child.I know they will, they are so loving, warm and accepting. I think the will want to welcome the Mother too just out of respect for the baby. They finally have a grandchild from their youngest son. They will not be able to help themselves to not want to have this OC in their lives.
I think my presence would be awkward for EVERYONE. I feel that if I am around (in any way) especially events big in our family they will feel torn. Mentioned that I am so uncomfortable with altercations and animosity and uncomfortable situations all together. If they want the OC for Christmas dinner, of course the OW will have to be there. So if I am there. Its going to be hostile. I can tell, just from what my BILs have said, the OW can be quite confrontational. It's just not what I need or want.
It's not that I don't stand my ground, It stems from when I was in a very physically abusive relationship with my EX I just cant mentally deal with hostility. I rather just walk away.
I've made my mind up to file for divorce, I wanted to be close to my family, but I cannot afford to move to Italy right now, I need to be near the healthcare professionals I have been working with, I'm a very high risk pregnancy. Due to my "Past", and my age.
I mentally cannot handle this anymore. My siblings feel my Husband will turn violent when he realizes I am serious about the divorce and finds out about my pregnancy. I have them texting me concerned. I just cannot afford an international move right now! I must work!!! I can't not work.
I have a career that isn't easily uprooted and moved.
I understand being near family is better in the long run, but this is so sudden it's nearly impossible to make happen immediately. I have to think how am I going to financially support myself and a baby? Raise a baby alone. The night's of a non sleeping baby alone and having to be at work by 5am. There's so much O have to consider. I am trying to take self care into consideration, but my mind is racing! I keep telling myself to calm down,but I am anxious. I feel terrible about covering up my pregnancy from my husband. The stress of what's to come when he does find out scares me. I dont know why, I know he's a cheater,and selfish. But I dont think he would ever harm me. Physically. I just want to go about things the right way. If I can get divorced, rebuild my life and somehow start the healing process, I will be content.

If you stay and have the baby you can count on several weeks of no sleep but with luck your little one will calm down.
If you stay I hope you get 6 wks leave. After that plan ahead if you can utilize family or daycare. If you use a daycare you need to be very diligent. There should be cameras in every room. If there is constant staff turnover do not go near the place. Think ahead so you won’t be blindsided further along.
I wish you the best of luck. Babies are just gifts.

Hi Limoncello,

If you don't/can't leave right now, it's not a problem. You have time, and people arround you to take care of you.

Do you know if one of your parents or brother/sister can move to be arround you during the next weeks or months?

2 other things that can give you a positive vision about this :

- I'm french, and one of my friend is a woman who has been cheated on by her ex husband. Cheating was at the end of 2020, and that woman was at that moment pregnant of their 3rd child. Like you, she was at risk.

XWH left her before the end of the pregnancy for the AP. She was completely lost, and didn't know where to live and how to organize herself with her 2 children + the baby.

One year later, she is separated (divorce is in progress), and in a quite better position. She is not scared about future. She found her organisation, she found a new place to live, etc.

What I want to say is : right now you don't know what your future will be. But you can trust in your ability to find solutions when it will be necessary. Don't forget that you are a good person and that you have the strenght to handle this.

- Right now your priority is your at risk pregnancy. My wife was in a similar situation last year. Is there someone you can quickly rely on if you need to?

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 9:18 PM, Monday, February 21st]

All the advice has been extremely helpful and has helped me keep my mind open and to remember that I have to look out for me.
I was able to speak with an attorney today and I learned so much. What I need to do to best protect my baby.
My attorney is great!He is not just only looking out for my best interests, but he wants to be sure that I want this divorce or if I am reacting blindly.
He agreed to do whatever I want, but he is well respected and he has a near perfect track record,and he feels I should proceed with caution. I have not even looked into saving my marriage just a way to get out. I have to consider too, the fact,my Husband is questioning if he's the father. I didn't know this until today. This was the cause of the OW outburst. He has to file a restraining order against her today. I was at the Law Office and she was at our house banging on the doors and the neighbors contacted my husband who showed up and stopped her with the Police in tow.
I'm not giving my husband a pass by any means. My Lawyer made the point I need to be certain that our marriage isn't salvageable. I told him our story of how we met, how we had a great marriage until now. He felt like I should be 100% sure I want to walk away from all these years. Especially if this baby isn't even my husbands child. Would I be willing to be referred to marriage counseling.
I gave it thought because this has come up so many times that I feel it's more than just a coincidence.
My Parents and my in laws both are encouraging to at least try reconciliation, divorce should be the last option. To remember our vows.
My Husband is being respectful of my needs.He doesn't want a Divorce but he said he loved me and he wants me to be happy. He apologized for ruining my life!
After this long session, my attorney advised me that I have to tread light when it comes to the pregnancy. Of I leave for Italy, and my husband hears I had a baby, he has rights. I have to think about do I want my baby to be denied a father. I could be sued for custody. It's just a lot more stress that I dont need.
I was advised maybe it's best to tell my husband about the pregnancy but proceed with the Divorce and try to come to an agreement outside the court, so there's just less heartache. If we can come to a amicable agreement before divorce precee,the courts very well may respect the choice we made.
So I have something to ponder. I have plenty of time considering were setting up for another ice/snowstorm so. I have nothing to do for the next couple days but think things through.
I am praying for guidance and the ability to make such a tough decision.

I think you are very brave and very strong. Smart too.

Here is the advice I received from my very expensive but totally worth it therapist during my H’s affair.

Just a bit of backstory b/c it’s important. We were married 25 years when my H had his second EA that turned PA. For 6 months he’d say "I want a D". Two days later change his mind. Beg me to reconsider. Then weeks later he wants a D again.

Dday2 was the last straw. He wants a D - no - he demanded a D. I’m stunned b/c a few days before he’s telling me how happy he is. By the end of that night I found out his affair had not stopped and had continued for 3 more months.

So I told him I was D him!!!! Nothing he could say or do would change my mind. I had the attorney lined up and I told him he had to leave. I tried everything and really did the best I could. But if he won’t stop cheating then I am out of options.

Therapist advice was this: in order to have a "successful" D with no regrets, you want to walk away knowing you gave your best to the marriage. That you tried but just ran out of options to make it work. We both agreed I had done my best.

I am NOT saying you should reconcile. I’m not trying to influence you in any way. I’m just repeating the advice I received.

I can tell you that it took me 12 months to stop thinking every day I was going to D my H. Reconciliation was not easy. It was ups and downs. Highs and lows.

But if we had a tough day, my H got up the next day determined to improve. Be positive. Figure it out.

He willingly signed the post nup. He said "I know we won’t D so this will never be needed". So it was a non-issue for him.

I hope this helps you. I think your attorney gave you some good advice.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:39 AM, Tuesday, February 22nd]

Second thing I wanted to comment on.

Is it possible your H is not the father of this child? I guess anything is possible at this point. And there is always the chance he is not.

While your in-laws can welcome this child, they do not have to welcome the bio mother and have you both at the holidays together. There are ways of working around those issues IMO.

Your H is now facing a "fatal attraction" type mentality (it’s an 80s movie about a guy that has a weekend fling and the woman turns out to be a nut case. She stalks him etc). You may want to consider a restraining order for your own protection as well.

So sorry this is impacting what should be a very exciting time for you. Please put your health first. Above everyone and everything else.

The1stWife Thank you for sharing tour experience with me. My Lawyer did give good advice. He's an older and very wise gentleman. Partner of his firm and he has children my age! He's been married forever so he knows a thing or two. His perspective is different and his view of marriage is also solid. I sat with my husband, and talked over dinner he cooked, this evening. Yes, and he has made so many bad choices but his good far outweighs the bad. I ma not going soft on him, I am giving credit where it's due. He wants to try. He apologized for the OW coming to the house, and he was transparent in telling me that he upset her, he has some question about the timeline of her pregnancy and he will not give her money until he knows for sure. She is now refusing a paternity test. She said he is being ridiculous, that he impregnated her PURPOSELY.
I told him I didnt feel safe. I will be moving this week and I told him I visited the Lawyer and he took it really hard. Dont want to provoke him, I left it alone. Finished my dinner and I retreated to my room.
I am really considering taking a second look at better options be it just separating for a while. I just need to be sure I am the only one who seems so set on this divorce. Not even my parents agree. They love my husband and they think I should exhaust all options as well.

It’s good to weigh all your options.

I can tell you there were two people who kept telling me to slow down on the D process and think it through. One was my brother and the other was my therapist.

I always swore I would never give a cheater a second chance. With past relationships once cheating was involved I just ended it. No discussion. No second chances. I just left.

Sometimes I even surprise myself lol 😂

I'm so sad for you dear lady. We all eventually realize what our limits are, and you'll get to that moment too. Whatever you decide, we're all in your corner!

Limoncello

I fully realize I come across sounding hard and maybe even cruel. The reason is that I see infidelity in a comparable way as one might see a house-fire. You can run room-to-room and worry about the furniture burning, you can wonder if it’s a fire or only some flames, whether to call the fire department, worry about the damage from their boots… Or you can make sure everyone is safe and that the fire is out.
It’s this… necessity… these first steps I want to focus on.

It’s GREAT you have a good attorney. Best news so far. I have some issues and I suggest you ask your attorney the relevant questions.

Regarding the OW and the OC. My advice is total 100% no-contact as far as possible. That included no participation in the pregnancy UNLESS you all agree to a pre-birth paternity test. I don’t recommend you do so, but it is possible. I would put the onus of proving paternity 100% on her.
If she refuses to do a paternity test then so be it. Then no matter what your husband is free of CS payments and paternal access and responsibility. That’s not really too bad for you. However… she does have considerable time to change her mind and you need to ask your attorney how far back she can claim CS. Like if she can claim your husband is the dad when the OC is 4, would he owe 4x12 months of CS?

We tend to see OW as these immense sluts… Well… in all honesty she’s no more a slut than your husband. There is a chance the OC isn’t your husbands, and it’s precisely because of that chance – no matter how slight it might be – that you demand a paternity test.

Don’t allow the blame for the affair to be on the OW. Your husband is totally 100% accountable for his decision. Doesn’t matter what the OW did, whether they used protection, did it once or once every hour… He cheated. I’m not stating this to make you determined to divorce. To me accountability and honesty is the building block for reconciliation. If you reconcile it has to be from the truth and you reconcile from HIS affair, not the OW.

Your lawyer gave you great advice.

There are too many "what if" scenarios being discussed here.

Take care of your health, and heed your lawyer's advice. Give yourself time to figure all of this out and think a bit clearer. Don't rush into any decision based on your current emotions.

Assuming that your WH is the father of OW's child, this has caused many issues.

1) He cheated
2) He wants you to stick it out as he raises another woman's child
3) How is he going to be able to provide adequate time and effort to you and your own baby while he's focused on the crazy OW and her kid with him ?
4) One poster mentioned it. If this OW is the way she is being depicted, you will always be on eggshells with the OC. Complaints, attempts to put you in legal peril, etc..
5) Financially, the OC and the support that he will be paying is going to damage you over something that you have no responsibility for.

As horrible as your situation is, you are really in the catbird's seat. You will do well in a divorce case as you will probably get primary custody of the baby given the circumstances and you will receive support. You will have no responsibility for the OC nor have to watch him grow up as he will have some of the OW's characteristics. That is an every day reminder of the affair.

I know you still love your WH but he owns this and you don't deserve to live in this situation as you deserve better.

Even setting the baby situation aside, both kids, you have the full moral authority to leave him anyway. Why support another woman's child as you move into your 60s when you have a choice to focus on your own.

The sad thing is that this isn't the OC's fault either. He/she will be a victim in this as well.

I think you are making the right choice in moving on morally and legally. You have to protect yourself and your baby, especially from the other woman. Remember this, if she could influence your WH to continue the affair and get her pregnant, don't think that she can't influence him by using her kid with him as a way to manipulate his relationship with his child with you. I have seen dynamics like that before.

As others have said here, WH will still have rights but now is the time to minimize the impact