ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:45 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
You're going to need to get a handle on your stress. Talk with your doctor. Engage in excellent self-care. That means eating enough, sleeping enough, staying hydrated, etc. Your first priority is your health. You are a vessel for someone else's health right now, so you can't afford to run down the rabbit hole in emotional terms. If you can't manage your stress where you are, go to your friend's or to your family. You already understand that you are daydreaming about running off and having a baby on your own. Tell your WH what's going on and let him handle his business with the OW. That should mean NO CONTACT at this point. She's got a lawyer's phone number. That's all she needs.
Think about this too... if you and your WH move away, it's on her to get a court order for DNA, sue for paternity, etc. He can't be forced to engage in visitation or coparenting. That's his choice and he can say 'no'. And yeah.. babies are innocent and all that. If the OW had wanted a father for her child though, she should have selected an AVAILABLE man. This was HER choice. It's not like your WH raped her. The two of you can hie off to S. Cal. and let the OW work it out through legal channels. (I'd pick somewhere cheaper to live though and with better divorce laws. Child support will be expensive and hey, you might change your mind about R at any time.) Hell, you might decide to sue her for full custody. If your situation is better than hers, you just might get it.
All that said, you're still eventually going to have to deal with the fact that your WH is a cheater, and he's going to have to do the intrusive and humbling work of figuring out what his malfunction is and somehow remediating his broken character. Where was his integrity when it mattered??? For right now though... prioritize your health and try not to worry about things that haven't happened yet.
BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 6:10 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I'm so sorry about your situation. Like you, my mom was in her 40s when she had me (3rd child) and I was in my late 30s when I had my last one and I know how difficult it can be at this age to be pregnant.
I agree with the others to focus on your health. Please consider contacting your primary doctor Monday morning to get an appointment. They've heard it all when it comes to infidelity, and your doctor will be able to help you get support dealing with the stress, including getting in with an IC. You should also consider getting a full STD test as soon as possible because the OW may have an STD that was transmitted to you, which would affect not only your health, but your baby's health. The OW wouldn't be a reliable source to ask about any STD she might have passed to your WH or you - just get tested. And your WH should get tested for STDs too.
I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:32 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
You are in a very complicated and difficult situation that will take time to figure out.
Take a day for you. It’s Saturday; hopefully you have the day off of work. Take the day off from trying to figure out the big picture and just take care of yourself and try to manage your stress and anxiety levels, because navigating these waters is going to take some decision-making skills that you can’t access when you’re suffering from extreme stress symptoms.
Your health and your baby’s health are so important. Try to eat three healthy meals today that also taste good. Go for a walk, or do a puzzle, or read a book, or watch a favorite show—whatever you can manage. Pray or breathe or meditate—whatever works for you. Spend time with a trusted friend or family member. Do anything that grounds or calms you.
I’m so very sorry.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:55 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I'm so sorry that what should be one of the happiest moments in your life turned out to be one of the most stressful.
I agree with some of the other posters, I think you need to inform your WH that you are pregnant to potentially avoid any legal complications in the future.
Your WH needs to block OW on every possible outlet to get directly in touch with him. His lawyer can handle all communication.
In the meantime, take care of you and your little bundle of joy. Being a mother is a blessing, your child will be loved no matter the outcome of this mess.
A huge hug....
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 2:06 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
Gently, why is he having phone calls with the other woman? He should have blocked her a long time ago. He absolutely should not be speaking to her for any reason at this point. I can't believe he would be talking on the phone with her around you. Is he still working with her? If he ended the affair, why hasn't he found a new job? Any communication with her should be through a lawyer if she sues him for paternity. That's it. The fact that he is comfortable talking on the phone with her in that way so casually is not a good sign. I doubt you have the whole story and that is because he hopes to maintain control of the outcome.
If he is actually remorseful and wants you to stay for the right reasons, he should want you to get whatever support you need. If he fights you on being close to your family, he is still being selfish. Why hasn't HE found an airbnb to give you space? HE should be paying for a different place to stay to give you what you need to heal. You shouldn't be forced to share a space with him because he wants you to. He should willingly volunteer to sleep elsewhere if that's what you need. But he didn't offer that at all because its not what he wants and his comfort is what he cares the most about.
I suspect he is not remorseful but regrets getting caught and does not wish to face these consequences that he never expected to face. From what you describe, you expect him to fight you for what is best for him, not you and your potential future baby. I mean, he knew you were trying to get pregnant while he had unprotected sex with this other woman. Any tears he cries are for him and not for you. He did not care about ending your marriage or losing you when he had unprotected sex. She did not baby trap him. He knows how babies are made and he decided the risk was worth it because he valued his sexual desire over his wife's health and safety. He did it because he wanted to. And he did it over and over. Now that there might be actual consequences for him, not just you, he suddenly wants the marriage that he threw away and feels entitled to it.
I do think you should get legal advice and tell your husband about the pregnancy when you are ready. I also think you should plan to leave for California to allow yourself some time and space to heal. You can expect to co-parent with him but you have time to figure that out. If he is actually remorseful and wants you back for the right reasons, he will encourage you to be somewhere that you can get support and if you have a baby, he can relocate his life to be nearby if that is needed for co-parenting. He forced you into this situation and gave you no choices. The very least he can do is give you choices now. He should want to make this as easy for you as possible but I suspect that is not what will happen.
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 3:32 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
Good Morning. I wanted to address some really great comments and some of the question from CLOUDS777
I did have a full STD panel taken and Thank God, I m ok. As for my H. I don't know what he has done. I haven't asked him. I am taking this Saturday to relax. I mentioned before my anxiety is through the roof, and I couldn't sleep due to chest pains and stomach cramps.I sleep in a totally separate area of the house from my husband. He's in the guest area, which is a small apartment space, above the garage. But he's obsessed with watching the cameras and he saw that I was up at 3 and 4 am. He comes to me very concerned. I just told him it's the stress and I was just not feeling well. I dont want him putting two and two together and discover my pregnancy before I am ready.
Clouds777 asked a lot of good questions. He did offer to leave. He packed his clothes he was going to a hotel, but I said I couldn't bare being in this house, so I left first.
He doesnt communicate with the OW she has been blocked. He did retain a Lawyer and he did resign from the office location, he's working from his home office.
When she called she called the company phone. He's a developer for commercial real estate, this OW is in the administrative office. When he's in the field he carries a company zone phone. That's the number she called. He said that's why he was so rude to her. He says he told her to contact his lawyer, he is to have zero contact with her. She's saying he's denying her pregnancy by him, he said he wants a DNA test and child support and no contact. He left her in December, and she's been upset since.He did tell my Father in Law everything. He was going to tell me, he had spoken to the Lawyer first who advised him to get things in order with the OW first. Like making sure she's really pregnant.
My husband said he knew I would leave him. He said the OW just told him about the pregnancy. He claims to have used protection "most" of the time with her and he hadn't slept with her since around Thanksgiving. The Holiday party for the company. I didnt attend, she started telling Co workers she's expecting!!!
I just know this is a MESS. I have myself and my baby to think about. This OW seems to be unstable. Or she's scorned. Maybe she thought he was in love with her and who knows what he may have promised her.
I wont say she's crazy because I don't know her side of the story! My husband obviously perused her. He was with her for MONTHS! She was led to believe he wanted her and suddenly he has a change of heart and breaks up? Why?
She's not innocent but she is human and cant just be tossed away when he's done with her. I am not sympathetic towards her. I hate her. I also want a divorce because my husband obviously has zero regard for people's feelings.
I just know today at least.I am going to rest.
MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 3:33 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
Why do you think that he may think the baby is not his?
Seems like a weird assumption, or projection...
9 years married.
13 years divorced.
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:56 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I strongly advise you against terminating your pregnancy. It might seem like a sensible decision, given your circumstances, but I really think it would only traumatize you further. If you would’ve welcomed this child were it not for this infidelity, you won’t be able to live with that choice, especially if you end up having fertility issues in the future. I also think you would end up hating and resenting your WH forever, whether or not you divorce or reconcile, which is detrimental to healing.
Even if you don’t end up divorcing, you should still file for legal separation in order to put a child support order in place. The advantage you have over OW in this situation is that, as your husband’s spouse, his paternity is legal presumed; she has to prove it.
BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:57 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
So the timeline is they stopped sleeping together in late November and at about 3-4 weeks later she’s telling everyone she is pregnant. Meaning she could be 5 or 6 months along by now (or less). If the OW got pregnant in the late summer or early fall then she is months ahead of you in terms of delivery.
And that can work in your favor. IF the DNA tests prove or disprove your H’s the father, you will know before your baby is born.
Will it make a difference for you if your H’s not the biological father?
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 5:48 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I am glad to hear you will rest. It is very concerning that he won't give you space. You need to be very firm with him that what you are doing and when you are awake is none of his business. I hope you are making plans to be with your family, where he cannot impose himself on you,, as you have many months before co parenting is a concern. Again, if he actually cared about YOU he would be doing what you want which is NOT creeping on you on the cameras. He most definitely feels entitled to be in your life even though he literally threw a grenade in it. Unbelievably selfish.
You are absolutely correct that your husband has no regard for people's feelings. He's probably gotten away with it until now. He chose to introduce this woman into your life. It was not a one night stand. She didn't trap him, even if she does turn out to be unstable.
[This message edited by clouds777 at 5:52 PM, Saturday, February 19th]
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 6:02 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I am not sure if my H is doubtful the baby is his, or he simply doesn't want her pregnant. I haven't asked him but I wonder if he was her "boyfriend " or of she was seeing other men?
It's just so out of character for my husband to behave this way.I cant even tell you when they would see each other because he was always with me. Or wanting to go places with me...Our marriage oddly didnt change.
I never suspected anything by his behavior.No red flags sso to speak. I asked him what caused him to stop sleeping with her? He said I never wanted to keep sleeping with her in the first place. Did he assume he could just have a one night stand and she go away? He seems very annoyed by her.
I told him I hope he does right by his baby. Love it and care for it no matter the relationship with the OW.
He said he was going to financially support the kid. He just seemed annoyed.
I was considering not keeping my baby. I am. I think this OW is a few months along. I have seen her from afar.and its winter here, she was bundled up. But I too think she is a few months along.
I just dread telling my husband I'm pregnant. I hear his reaction. He has two babies on the way. I think he should know but I feel that I should proceed with the divorce and move away.
He can definitely afford to financially care for his kids. He makes a good living. I just dread the stress of dealing with him and the OW
[This message edited by Limoncello at 6:05 PM, Saturday, February 19th]
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 7:03 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I'm so sorry and I'm glad that you're posting. Dont make him make you feel rushed. You do what feels right to you. You are not obligated to tell him right now and he isn't allowed to be a creep that snoops on you to find out. I really hope you do go and stay with family. It really will help. You don't have to make a permanent decision now but managing your stress is important.
I don't buy his story of not wanting to sleep with her any more for a moment. If she knew he was married and he spent his free time with you, that means she was willing to be his shameful secret. Gross. He took advantage of the situation because he wanted to. He may have lied to her too or she may have seen dollar signs. Who knows and who cares. No one made him sleep with her the first time or the subsequent times. He's trying to make it not seem to bad by saying he didn't want to. Obviously he did want to because he did it and was stupid enough to not even use protection. Just more lies.
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 10:59 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022
I just wanted to say Congratulations. I’m not sure if anyone has said that yet. I don’t know if you’ve told anyone in real life yet who has said it to you.
I know that this is not the circumstances you imagined getting pregnant in - I can’t imagine these are circumstances ANYONE would ever hope to get pregnant in.
I identify with this part of your story. On DDay I was in the 2 week window of waiting to take a pregnancy test. We had been trying to conceive for the better part of a year and I was fearing that it would never happen for me. When I learned of the A I was furious he had taken away what was likely my last shot to have a baby. I then had to wait the following few weeks to see if the test would be positive. I went back and forth on whether I was hoping it would be or not. I cried when it was negative, another part of me was relieved. I didn’t know what I would have done had I had to make any big decisions. I did not think my husband and I would make it.
You don’t have to make any decisions right away. If this is something you want though, I encourage you to consider it. When I eventually did get pregnant I was still newly in R. It felt reckless but I had made the decision that if it didn’t work, I would be okay as a single mother. I would move home- closer to where my family would live. My husband would have paid child support. I had to come to grips with the fact that custody would need to be shared.
I know all of this feels insurmountable. Your situation with a pregnancy and an OC is more than most of us have to deal with. You WILL make it though. You will feel okay again. I hope you keep posting. ❤️
Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:08 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
I agree with everything Chamomile Tea has written.
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
emergent8 Thank You for sharing your story with me. I'm keeping my baby. I know I would regret it and never forgive myself for aborting. You and your husband reconciled?! I don't think that it's a possibility for me. My husband is going to be a father with another woman. Yesterday was a prime example of why. My husband is living in the guesthouse. He is giving me space, and he is better at respecting my boundaries. I told him,I was looking for a apartment and I would be out of his house by the end of the week. He is very upset, he called his brother's and they took him out for the afternoon.
Well the OW is following him I am assuming. He has cut off all contact with her, retained a lawyer. He is not to have contact until the baby arrives and a DNA test is done.
She's young, she's in love with him. She follows the guys to a local bar. She demands that my husband speak to her. She caused a scene. Claiming he's denying the baby. He's caused her so much stress that she's not able to work, and she wants him to pay her rent, car note and Doctor bills.
She is demanding to speak with me!! Screaming that she knows that he and I are sleeping together and he's cheating on HER with ME?!
My BIL said she's definitely showing, she looks to be 6 months pregnant or more! This situation is not good. My husband is becoming desperate, he's becoming violent towards her. He was in her face cursing and he appeared like he wanted to strike her.
This is horrible. Our city is like a big small town everyone knows who my husband and his family are.The family business. Everyone knows now he has fathered a child with another woman.
My husband came home and he immediately told me everything, He apologized profusely for disparaging my name. He is truly going through it. This is all really hitting him hard. He is definitely seeing and feeling the consequences of his actions.
It is all his fault, but he is definitely in pain. He claims he never meant for it to come to this. It started as a fling, he admitted that he was disgusting and selfish. He used her for sex. I asked him why? How is he going to feel if their baby is a girl and a man mistreats her that way?
My husband.He made a bad decision, but he's not a bad guy by any means. I know that he is remorseful and he is hurting.
I told him I know that he is a good man. That I love him, but our marriage won't survive this. I have a feeling she will only get worse. I told him I wanted a divorce. I want to be amicable and I don't want to fight or hurt each other. He begged and begged me to reconsider. I was strong I told him I couldn't.
He said he loved me and he knows that he hurt me and he loves me too much to keep me trapped in a unhappy marriage.
He knows him fathering this baby was the worst thing he could ever do to me.
He said he was going for a run to clear his head. But he ran t8his parents and totally lost his shit.
So they show up and they are begging me to forgive their son. He's willing to do anything to save the marriage. I love my in laws. Were extremely close. I don't have any family close in this city. They're like my parents. I see they're so hurt. They've been together 60yrs!!! I feel terrible. I never thought I would divorce. Be a single Mom. I am just sick because my husband's infidelity has caused so much pain. His brothers are begging me not to go. They're worried about me, they love me. It's so much pain.
My baby is going to miss out on all this love.
My parents want me to return to Florence or Milan to be nearby family, but. Again my husband will never approve once he learns about my pregnancy. I also thought well,if I wanted to leave him and never tell him anything about the baby. Well Milan would be a option. Maybe the law would change if I have our baby there.I would be far from the drama and I would have my immediate family?!!.
But part of me is saying I am wrong for considering that option.
I'm just hurt and confused. This is becoming more challenging by the day.
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 4:57 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
The sad thing I'm seeing is that you don't have much of a nearby support system for yourself. Your in-laws are in support of your husband. The courts, should you divorce, will be going with what's best for the child. But what about you? You're pregnant and hurting. Who's in your corner? Any close friends? You shouldn't have to be dealing with being pressured to stay right now. Your husband and his family don't want you leaving, they made their feelings clear. (And frankly, the fact that he went running to them and now they're begging you to stay for him seems a little manipulative, IMO.) But who's taking your feelings into consideration? Can anyone from your family perhaps come in for a few weeks?
This situation is suffocating you. You truly need space to breathe.
[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:23 PM, Sunday, February 20th]
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:28 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
Your H cannot keep you in a place you don’t want to be. Also if you leave now before the baby is born then you will have no issue with what he wants vs what you want.
I don’t have any answers for you except that you know yourself better than anyone. If this OW/OC is not something you can live with — then that is what drives your decisions.
Irregardless of what HE wants or what his family wants — you have some insight into the future. The OW does not appear like she is going to go away. She’s not going to leave your H alone. I don’t know what lies he told her but she’s forcing him to be accountable for the baby. Maybe in ways he doesn’t want to be.
It’s up to you to decide if you want to face the OW/OC for the rest of your life or if you just cannot live with that hanging over your head.
You have to stop letting others talk to you. For your physical and mental health right now. You need to tell them it’s NOT open for discussion with anyone but your H. And if they try to discuss you hang up the phone or walk away. You are not obligated to them.
Block them if you need to for however long you need to.
Your H doesn’t want a D. Sadly that is not his decision to make.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:29 PM, Sunday, February 20th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 5:29 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
Your WH needs to make it clear that he won't be paying for anything until a DNA test is done. If she's stalking him, he should get a restraining order. I do have to wonder how she got the impression that there was more than just sex between them.... If your WH is being truthful about their affair, she is clearly delusional. If you decide there is any chance of reconciliation, you need to make it crystal clear that there will be no contact with the other woman period!! If DNA test proves the child is his, financial and details can be worked out. His family sounds like they're in your corner, so the could schedule third party pick ups and drop offs of the child. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 5:35 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
Also,she may be human, but if your WH made it clear he was in it for just sex, he can disregard (toss her away). She knew he was married when she engaged in this affair. She's an adult, and responsible for the consequences of her actions. Don't feel sorry for her at all!
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 5:41 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022
Please go be with your family, even if it's only a visit. You cannot allow these people to manipulate you under the guise of love. Your husband is not doing this out of love, he is desperate. He already divorced you when he had sex with another woman! He didn't consult you or give you a choice or even a heads up. It's not up to him anymore and he is so so so so selfish to put you in this position instead of giving you what you ask.
You NEED to be physically away from them to get a handle on your own mental health and what you want. Your husband and his family are too selfish to give this to you so you must take it by getting away from them, even if it's only a temporary visit.
[This message edited by clouds777 at 5:43 PM, Sunday, February 20th]