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How has Infidelity Betrayal changed you?

Topic is Sleeping.

 LadyG (original poster member #74337) posted at 11:52 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I have been reading a lot lately about how to improve my mental health and depression.

My WS was an abusive serial cheater but I had his back despite his lack of remorse. I stayed and supported him and even defended him when others said some awful but honest things about him.

I know that we often vent here and there was a time that I resisted telling anyone how awful my WS and marriage were.

But, something has changed in me. I was once protective of WS. I longer feel that. I care about him as I would another fellow human being who has caused me so much trauma, in that I no longer care.

I feel soulless where my WS is concerned and I truly despair that such evil has destroyed me.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8674504

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:18 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

It does seem that we are destroyed when a trauma as painful as betrayal occurs (((HUGS))).

I am happy to see that you are reading up on mental health and depression . YOU are finding a way to get BETTER Dear Lady...and that is always a POSITIVE! It seems as though you have already gotten stronger by your insight into how you feel toward a person who has treated you in HORRIBLE ways.

Please don't despair over the thought that HIS evil ways have destroyed you. You have a beautiful soul that is starting to emerge from all of the rubble over the last few decades . It takes a little time to push yourself out. But when you do...and you can feel the wonderful warmth of daylight on your face again...what JOY you will experience !

Just keep moving forward Dear Lady. It may only be one step TODAY. But you may make 5 steps tomorrow! It can be a slow process...but rest WILL survive infidelity...and you can even THRIVE despite it !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5616   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8674517

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:33 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I would not consider coming to terms with who my spouse really is as being “destroyed”. You may be devastated at the realization but I would look at the opportunity to live a better peaceful life.

His actions are not yours to defend any longer.

His life is not yours to worry about.

You are free to walk away (physically and emotionally) from him.

New you - new life!

Start putting g yourself FIRST- not him, not the marriage, ot his problems etc.

Try it for 2 days and see how good it feels.

At dday2 I did the hard 180. I stopped doing my H’s laundry. Haven’t done it in 8 years. Woo-hoo! I stopped doing his errands. I stopped putting his needs first.

And you know what?! I found time to sit and read a book. I found time to exercise or lay on the couch and watch a movie. Without worrying about everyone else.

Best thing I ever did!!!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10738   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8674520

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 6:08 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Affairs cause significant trauma. Yes, it changes us, but it only destroys you if you allow it. This is not to minimize, as the healing and rebuilding process is a long and arduous one, but it is also very much worth it. As I am certain you have read here, the process can take 5 years as a rough guide. That is not saying each year is equal. Year one and two sucked for me. Year three and beyond are much better, at times, even good.

How have I changed? Well, on the negative side, I have trust issues. But unconditional trust is what blinded me to the reality of my STBXWW. So maybe having a healthy sense of skepticism in a new relationship is good going forward.

I am now much more of a fatalist. Some might call me a realist finally. I've seen the worst of human nature and off came the rosec coloured glasses. I get angry much quicker. Need to work on that. The anxiety attacks have really lessened to about one every couple of days, and they dont last long. I had some periods where they lasted days. Still on antidepressants.

On the plus side, I advocate for myself and put myself first, something I did not do before. I would always be the one to take one for the team. Now I say no. Great word by the way. I use it a lot.

I lost about 25 pounds after Dday#1, thanks to the infidelity diet, so I decided to turn my life around and take care of myself. Funny how not carrying the extra weight of a cheating spouse frees up so much me time... I spend time doing what I want, I dont need to consult anyone. If you haven't done this in years, it really helps the healing process. In fact, I adopted a rule. I do one small thing for me each day, and something bigger each week. It reminds me to slow down. Today I'm off for a 10K run and the cycling to the beach to relax and read.

The truth is, infidelity us shitty and it exposes how shitty our partners are as human beings. Most cannot or will not heal themselves, so we have a choice. Try to cobble together an old life, or build an entirely new one. You are at the beginning of this process, so have faith and give it time. It will be difficult, but you are forging a new you. And forges are always hot. I'm willing to bet that years from now, you will look back on this as the beginning of something very valuable.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1118   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8674580

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:28 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I’m now a take no crap kind of person.

I left my abusive rage-aholic boss after almost 20 years

I left my church due to the senior pastor and her shenanigans

My priority is now me - not everyone else.

I financially protected myself with a post nup

I don’t back down from an argument ever

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10738   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8674615

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 11:16 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I felt destroyed, but with the advantage of a few years, I see that I was freed from a confine of my own making. My XWH was bossy and judge-y, and his temper frightened me. I was a people-pleaser that was a result of my own FOO. I HATED to rock the boat. I convinced myself that I was “easy-going”. After the A, I was so very lost. But I am finding myself — one I did not know existed. I got a hint of it when I raged after the A (Who the heck was that angry woman??) and realized that I not only have a voice, but I NEED to use it. Being a push-over was not being easy-going. — it was being controlled. The analogies of a phoenix or a butterfly come to mind… it is a transformation. It takes time. It sucks quite a bit.

But although I have trust issues with others, I now trust myself. I see my own goodness, intelligence, strength, and resilience. I put up with less bullsh*t in my life but also have twice the amount of compassion and empathy for others. His evil does not and will not be a part of you. You will be able to be free of it. Your goodness will shine.

Feeling ambivalent or less toward your WH is protective and makes sense. Maybe over time he’ll be someone worth your care. Or not. But either way you will find your true north, your true self. And you will be a better you.

Keep going with your mental health journey— I never paid attention to mine and, as a strange benefit from the A, I am know getting my own mental health in order. We are worth it.


Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8674629

hardtomove ( member #68757) posted at 11:44 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

No rose colored glasses. I always believed that my WS would not lie to me when asked . He said he was a man and would tell me if hew was having an affair. Well he lied. And I was completely overwhelmed by finding out about the LTA. It took me at least 2 years to recover. You are never the same, You can either roll up in a ball or you can fight to repair, overcome, and grow and become stronger. It is not easy. I had to disassociate.

posts: 177   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018
id 8674632

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:34 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Oh heck LadyG...I didn't mention how the infidelity betrayal changed me...sorry!

Being out 7 years feelings are MUCH different than when I first found out about my H's A.

I have always been a positive person. There was no problem that I couldn't find a solution for. Until Dday . I also never understood why someone would be so HURT that they would contemplate suicide. Until Dday . There was such raw PAIN...deep DESPAIR...and EVERYTHING I thought I knew was now unknown.

I was shaking at the drop of a hat...and would zone out at any moment. I don't know if you ever saw the video of Beyonce' at a basketball game that was once up on Youtube. People were making fun of her...because she was rocking back and forth and her eyes were staring out into space. They came up with many scenarios as to why she was acting like this. But people like us...who have LIVED through this...we KNEW .

I felt destroyed as well Dear Lady (((HUGS))). I screamed at my H how he BROKE me...and I even lost my faith in God and was so ANGRY at Him for allowing this to happen to me!

I knew from my 1st M that I couldn't stay in limbo. I knew I had to MOVE...I just couldn't at first. But I came up with a mantra...I WILL OWN THIS A...and I started out owning it...or taking things back . It took a full 3 years before I started feeling a semblance of "normal". It was then that I had come to see that my FIGHTING these triggers was WORKING .

I also started researching how our brains work. The instinctive response I gave when my H confessed to his A had puzzled me. Anyone who knows me know I wear my heart on my sleeve...and will cry at commercials . Yet on Dday...the MOMENT he confessed...I was emotionless. I told him matter of factly that the M was OVER...and then got up to leave the living room so he could contact the adultery co-conspirator. THEY could start talking about their new relationship because OURS was DONE . I was SHOCKED at how my LOVE for my H just disappeared . I couldn't understand how just a few minutes earlier I was hugging him because he was so conflicted...and it hurt me to see him like that. Then he confessed...and my feelings INSTANTLY changed. Thank God...they came back .

From the research I did...I found some very interesting information...and that is why I am so HAPPY you are looking into improving your mental health . Our brains are truly amazing...and as you move into a more healthier mental will FEEL better overall .

I can honestly say that NOW...I am no longer in that raw pain or despair. It HURTS to recollect what happened...but that was in the past. The present has nothing but GOOD events . We both realized what we almost lost...and it makes every day much more precious and special to us.

I am NOT destroyed nor am I broken...just a little bent . People on here often talk about how the A had NOTHING to do with the Betrayed. I have gotten to that point now. I am still CORE hasn't changed. Here's to YOU reaching that point soon .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5616   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8674671

keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 3:54 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

My XWW’s infidelity destroyed our marriage and ended what was a beautiful nuclear family.

My XWW’s infidelity destroyed her integrity, her dignity, her credibility, her honor, and any degree of trust in her.

My XWW’s infidelity traumatized our children and permanently fractured their foundation.

I was betrayed by one who before I thought such a betrayal was inconceivable.

To know that the inconceivable became my reality was a pain I never knew existed - and the pain I felt for my children was a thousand times worse.

All that originated from the decisions, behavior and actions of one person - my XWW.

Her infidelity, her lies, her deceit, and her despicable betrayal originated from reasons that exist only within her and those reasons were there long before I ever met her.

She didn’t destroy me in the least.

She disgusted me beyond words but never destroyed me.

I’m the same person now that I was before I met her.

I’m the same person with the same solid values, ideals, principles, and strong moral code.

I simply have zero trust in, zero respect for, and have as little as possible to do with my XWW.

I’m the same guy who just went through a really shitty experience because of a really shitty person.

I put an end to that shitty experience and I’m no longer with that shitty person.

In the worst of times, stick to your values and sound moral compass - that’s precisely what they are for.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1139   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8674679

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:48 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

In the worst of times, stick to your values and sound moral compass - that’s precisely what they are for.

LOVE this !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5616   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8674743

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 5:52 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I have lost my blinding innocence and trust in people. NEver would I have thought my XWW was capable of cheating on me.

I so wish I had that innocence back. Its glorious to not have to question everyone about everything b/c this one person betrayed you, but I know its for the best. Live and Learn.

posts: 1175   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8674827

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:01 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

It completely changed me. This was a trauma that still affects me. Some of the changes are good some are not.

I do not trust anyone.

I do not trust myself in picking a healthy partner.

The trauma resulted in Major Depressive Disorder which I still have.

I have much stronger boundaries and it is easy to say "no" now.

My coping skills have evolved to a much healthier level.

I no longer drink alcohol to cope.

Learned to managed my anger outbursts.

Have sexual trauma and lost my libido.

I tend to isolate more now.

My view of love and marriage has completely changed.

Leaving my xWS has given me the peace I have been craving for YEARS.

Leaving my xWS has allowed me to love myself and heal.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8674834

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 6:17 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I have lost my innocence and blind faith.

I've gained a shit ton of battle scars that in spite of their pain make look damn fu*king good.

I am a force to be reckoned with. I have an inner strength I never knew I needed to have.

I will never be the same. That doesn't have to be a bad thing.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8674846

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 6:25 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I think surviving the shitshow has made me way more badass than I would have been otherwise.

I learned just how important healthy boundaries are for me.

I learned not to ignore red-flag behavior.

I learned that I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I am not treated with the respect that I deserve. Toxic people do NOT deserve space with me and I will not put up with them in my life.

It has made me way less inclined to tolerate bullshit and way more inclined to call people out on it.

I felt destroyed early on, but I am not. He didn't destroy me because if he did that he would win and I cannot and will not tolerate that. He put me through an emotional forge that burned away a lot of excess and left behind the tempered steel that makes up my principles and core beliefs. Not the way I would have chosen to learn that lesson, but dammit if I am not grateful that I did.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8674850

NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 6:00 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Just a few.

I'm not:

· As naive nor altruistic as I have been my whole life. (an improvement)

· Trusting of others. (an improvement)

· A pushover anymore. (an improvement)

· Anywhere close to passionate about my business/craft as I had been. I had built this thing to care for my family's needs and as a show of my love. I saw that it meant absolutely nothing and so now it does to me too. It's just a means to pay bills now.

I am:

· Far more skeptical about everything and everyone. (an improvement)

· Prepared to speak my mind more. (an improvement)

There's more but I'll stop here.

Stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8675159

PlanNine ( member #46311) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Before infidelity, I had always felt I might be a bit of a misanthrope. But now things are different. Now I'm definitely a misanthrope.

"I was also thinking, 'Maybe I'm not a bike racer.' I doubted myself for a while, but now I'm back on track. I may not be a bike racer, but I can beat plenty of them that reckon they are." - Guy Martin

posts: 455   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2015   ·   location: Florida
id 8675430

stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. I don't think what you described is being destroyed.

Infidelity is trauma. It causes shock and disorientation. It takes us a while to wrap our brains around what has happened, and that the person we love did it to us. I also always had my WS back. I loved him and considered him my family. I was very protective of him and considerate of him. I was his #1 fan and best friend. I treated him how I wanted to be treated, even when he wasn't doing the same for me.

It is hard to stop doing that. We build our lives together and forward for so many years.

Give your traumatized brain a break and some grace.

You aren't destroyed by evil. You have come to terms with the reality of the betrayal. That is good. You are finding your footing again and honoring yourself.

I also feel sad about it all and I also only care about my WS as a fellow human being now. He isn't in the elevated position he once was. But that is ok. Life goes on. Process and move on.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8675595

SassyAndSweet ( new member #78966) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Betray has changed me dramatically and being lied to for years and years and then finally seeing the man I was really in love with has ruined my judgement on people in my life. I don't have an inch of trust left for anyone, even my own family. I don't talk to anyone about everything I'm going through.

He told me when we first met that he would never lie and that he tells it as it is. Pfffft that was a lie itself.

I thought I hit jackpot having such an honest partner after being in a past relationship of abuse . Many many years later I realized I won 5he booby prize.. I'm the loser !!!!

I've winthdrawn from society, I don't like going out because I feel bad about myself. He must of cheated because I must be ugly so i now think everyone thinks that of me.. I don't feel like I'm entitled to sit at a cafe or whatever becuse I must be too ugly .. I know I'm going through severe depression from his cheating and lies. I'm rock bottom but I've chosen to stay in an emotional abusive relationship and I know it's pulling me down when he stares and flirts with other woman in front of me or when I know he's sending kissy emojis to someone and it's not me. Everyday I'm ticking off a checklist of checking what he's been up too and I'm getting emotionally tired a d paranoid. I was never this type of person. I had to much trust for people. The rest of my life looks so dark. Some days I'm not sure it I still want to be here with all this in my head every day.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2021
id 8675618

PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 2:33 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I learned that the sunk cost fallacy truly does apply to relationships. Don't throw good time after bad.

As for the rest... I became a better version of me. He was responsible for the infidelity- I was responsible for my share of the unhealthy behaviours that I brought into the marriage, and I wanted to fix that for me. I did a lot of IC so that I could get better at relationships. That helped me develop a better picker so that I could choose partners to have a healthy relationship with. I learned to communicate. I learned to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings, and to set healthy boundaries.

I took the knife he stabbed me in the back with, and I learned to become a chef. Infidelity doesn't have to be more life-destroying than it is. You can reclaim who you are, and become a better version of that. Living well may not be the best revenge... but it feels pretty awesome.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 715   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8675683

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 2:08 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Having a C-PTS background, betrayal(2) really did cut like a knife.

While watching my life--and future--flash before me, I knew I had to go back to IC and really do some work. At that point, it had far less to do with WS than it did with me. I didn't see it that way at first--I had amazing therapists.

I did a lot. I learned a lot. Still doing it. Made and am making a lot of serious changes.

Connecting those dots I started years earlier, even before I met my WS. I feel centered. Hopeful.

BTW my personal growth and discovery afforded me the belief that with serious intervention WS could also make real changes (coupled with the fact that despite his apparent issues he did most of the heavy lifting in our 30 years when I was an off/on mess).

But um, his work is secondary. I'm not waiting on it.

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA

posts: 323   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8675762
Topic is Sleeping.
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