Newest Member: Notarunnerup

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:08 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I would agree with BFTG. Depending on the situation, it may not have any impact. You know your situation best. You seem to have already detached, which is good.

IMO, better safe than sorry.

posts: 1527   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8677219
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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 1:32 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I read that in some states if you continue having sex with your spouse during D process it can slow/end the process from a legal standpoint. Stay away.

BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 462   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8677225
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 2:08 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I have just finished reading this entire thread. Of course you don’t know me, so it may be meaningless to say… However, this is the most ethical, least vindictive situation I have read about here.

I have a great deal of respect for your path.

As a person of faith, (and was actually raised Southern Baptist) I have been distressed about the situation with your church. I was amazed to learn about the whole “the husband is responsible for his wife’s actions” argument/belief.

I was married to a minister in my first marriage. When it became obvious that we were going to divorce, he made it clear to me that there were 2 biblical “acceptable by God” reasons for divorce. One was that one spouse was “incouragable” or, unable to be persuaded to have faith. And the other was adultery. (My husband was a literalist, and was searching for a reason that would keep him in Biblical synch.)

I can certainly understand you being perplexed by your FIL and your church’s reaction, but I hope it won’t make you let go of other aspects of your faith.

I’m glad for you that you have dropped the extra few pounds you think you had, and that you are working out and getting healthier. And I’m sure that the updated wardrobe and new hairstyle is refreshing.

But I would just want to remind you that the man you seem to be...your integrity and character are infinitely more ‘attractive’ to the kind of woman I’m guessing you would want/deserve.

I wish you the best of luck as you finish with this portion of your life, and begin the next part.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8677234
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 TheWrongOne (original poster member #78753) posted at 3:30 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I just ignored the text. I didn't answer. Moving on.

Thanks everyone, I didn't mean to scare anybody. I see now she is just looking for my validation. Well, that ship sailed long ago.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8677245
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Whew!

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8677250
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:49 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I just ignored the text. I didn't answer. Moving on.

A better answer than saying "No".

Congratulations.

posts: 509   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8677251
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Worst case, nothing makes a false allegation of rape like a semen sample from you. Since your wife has been rather tame throughout the process this seems less likely, for now.

Most likely... check with your lawyer... depending on the laws in your area, sex between divorcing spouses may be considered by the law as RECONCILIATION.

Validation. This is possible too.

You have mentioned your divorce judgement is 60? 90? days away. Be on your guard and avoid her like the plague. 2-3 months is ample time for her to escalate with each failed ploy. Screenshot the text and reach out to your lawyer to advise him of her proposition to you.

Silence is golden. Whatever her motivation you should always assume that whatever offer she makes to you will ALWAYS BENEFIT HER more than you. You have been an after thought to her especially these last 15 years.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 10:36 AM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8677252
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 4:04 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Not answering was probably the best route. I will go out on a limb here and say that she may genuinely wanted to have sex with you, without "consciously" being manipulative. You say you had had mutually satisfying sex for years. As a woman who rarely gets an O I didn't earn myself, that is reason enough to want to keep having sex with a particular person. Plus you have shared lives for a long time. Yes, she fucked that right up, but that doesn't mean in her little broken soul she doesn't still love you in some dysfunctional way. But yeah, not much in it for you, so kudos for staying away.

On the "sloppy seconds" front - odds are high y'all have had it without even knowing.

EDITED: As BSes, we've alllll been served up with a heapin' helpin' of sloppy seconds, and it sucked and will haunt me for the rest of my life. I didn't mean with our WSes in this case, I meant as single people out there in the dating/hooking up world before we settled for our lying cheating WSes.

[This message edited by Trapped74 at 1:34 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 171   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8677253
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 5:42 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

No answer is absolutely the best answer here. She can get her ego kibbles somewhere else.

Others seem to think her request could have been innocent but I just don't think so. She has used other people, including her family and husband, for years to get what she wants. She didn't suddenly stop now.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8677273
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Michigan ( member #58005) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Your wife is very smart.

It would be difficult not be more than civil at family and public events if you were having sex with her.

You are like the only priest that can give her absolution for her sins. If people see you being friendly with her she must not have done anything that bad.

I know of a case in a small town where a married couple’s son played football. The wife had an affair, got a divorce, married her AP and soon had a baby with him.

She wanted her ex to sit in the stands her new family and watch their son play football. She was quite upset when he refused to do so.

Your soon to be ex is repairing her relationship with your son. I’m sure she will enjoy the sex but a friendly relationship with you at family events will make things much less awkward in the future.

Your father obviously has no problem with me now even after what I did . Why do you?

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:27 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 580   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8677274
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 6:23 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I know you're too smart to fall for a line like:

"I know we are getting divorced and that your mind is made up, but we can have sex if you want, until I move out."

... and I was right (reading on in the thread). Ugh. Some people can feel like sexual intimacy can be, for want of a better word, "commoditized". I never could. I think ignoring this kind of question might be the appropriate response-- you're the best judge of that. Her assumed motivations are triggering the Admiral Akbar response in here, but it could be something as simple as your wife being bored and lonely (and horny). There are downsides, I guess. She could claim coercion, or even at worst, rape. Is she that Machiavellian of a character? You clearly haven't discussed how you view her in the post-DDay environment. I know you've lost respect, already had lost trust.. and very likely lost desire for her in an intimate way (given what her extra curricular activities have been in the last year). I don't know if you've had the STD test discussion with her or not-- thought I think you might have mentioned to her that YOU were getting one. The undercurrent there being, you know she's laid with another man repeatedly. I suspect you have no idea how she views intimacy in this post-adultery situation. SOmething I have seen from totally clueless waywards is that somehow think they are still as desirable to their partners as they were on their wedding nights. That's delusional.

I can only speak for my own experience. After I discovered my ex-wife's adultery, there was nothing in heaven and earth that would make me want to be intimate with her again. Sure, I also could get bored and horny, but there was no way I could turn off certain visuals, even if she was being blatant about asking for sex-- and boy was she blatant about it. I tried to tell her my situation and to her credit, she grasped it eventually (we were trying to reconcile, so this was important to both of us. For all her faults, she had empathy about matters of the male ego. That is certainly not your situation, though-- in that you are full speed ahead towards a divorce.

I'd be scratching my head, too. It's not often a man gets what seems like a consequence-free offer of sex (without paying for it). So that would make a paranoid guy like me start looking for the consequences.

Edited to add: you might want to show that text to your lawyer, and see what the pitfalls might be.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 12:27 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8677282
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 TheWrongOne (original poster member #78753) posted at 6:39 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

You all bring up some interesting possibilities I did not think about. It could be that she sees sex as a way of making us friends again. Because we were good friends up until I found out she was cheating again. Good friends, but I just didn't love her. Even though she complained about our sex to the OM, I think she did that as a way of getting more ego kibbles from him, because I have almost never failed to get her off more than once a session. I know for certain she never faked an orgasm from me because she is a flooder when she orgasms. I do think she actually enjoyed sex with me.

It was hard ignoring that text. I have to admit that I have not gotten laid for months, and my STBXW has a rockin bod. Perfect ass. I still like to watch her climb stairs. Yeah it is hard.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8677284
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:51 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Short term gain would probably = long term pain.

You’ll be fine. There will be more to experience once the ink is dry on the D. Probably a lot of variety too.

posts: 6696   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677286
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Michigan ( member #58005) posted at 10:50 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

We were good friends up until I found out she was cheating again. Good friends,

It was hard ignoring that text. I have to admit that I have not gotten laid for months, and my STBXW has a rockin bod. Perfect ass. I still like to watch her climb stairs. Yeah it is hard.

TheWrongOne

It might be worth having a friends with benefits relationship with her. If you go there do it with your eyes open knowing that there will be a cost. The price is that you will never be able to complain about her behavior ever again.

You are like the only priest that can give her absolution for her sins.

Michigan

You having sex with her will do that.

absolution

noun

formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.

[This message edited by Michigan at 5:57 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 580   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8677353
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Manipulation aside, it could also be like with my exWW. She loved sex because it was a great stress reliever for her. When life got stressful, she couldn't cope with it very well and used sex as a crutch. This has to be an extraordinarily stressful time for her, especially if there's "trouble in paradise" with the AP. All her own making of course. Even if not nefarious, I think this quote is accurate ==>

Whatever the reason it's still all about HER.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:06 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8677505
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

You have a lot of problems if your life. Getting AIDS probably isn’t one that you want to add to the list.

posts: 1717   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8677508
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 5:39 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

You made the right choice. Why muddy up the water even more. Keep taking care of yourself until the D is final, or even look elsewhere since you've already started the D. Don't get tangled up again with this exWW of yours again.

There is just very little upside to this

posts: 1173   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8677525
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 TheWrongOne (original poster member #78753) posted at 1:19 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I caught her in the kitchen last night and thanked her kindly for the offer of sex, but told her I had to decline. She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"I did no such thing."

I pulled up the text on my phone and showed her.

She just shrugged. "Meh", she replied nonchalantly, "...I must have been drunk. Ignore it. Goodnight." Then she went upstairs.

Mercenary!

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8677766
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 1:24 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

TheWrongOne,

I must have been drunk. Ignore it. Goodnight

WTF? Is she trying to save face or does she have a drinking problem? She is definitely losing it. Suggest you simply continue to go NC and wait for your divorce to finalize. Nothing good can come from engaging with her.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8677768
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 1:44 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Her feelings were hurt. What mere man could turn poor muffin down?

Hilarious really.

posts: 6696   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677773
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