Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 2:08 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

She knows what she's doing.
She's never been rejected all her life.
She's the princess of her church so all she does were deemed correct.
She was spoiled by her 'God loving' parents.
Everything wrong she did would be blamed on her unaware husband.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677779
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 5:37 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I caught her in the kitchen last night and thanked her kindly for the offer of sex, but told her I had to decline. She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"I did no such thing."

I pulled up the text on my phone and showed her.

She just shrugged. "Meh", she replied nonchalantly, "...I must have been drunk. Ignore it. Goodnight." Then she went upstairs.

It is unfortunate that you continue to play your wife's games. I have no doubt you will reflexively disagree. Anytime you choose to respond or react you are playing her game. You reaffirm to her that she still can affect you. It doesn't matter if you respond/react positively or negatively. In each case she wanted a response/reaction, any response/reaction and you provided one. Your wife will continue to poke and probe your boundaries to see what influence she is able to exercise over you. Any response/reaction on your part not only serves as fuel but encourages her to practice further nonsense. This may strike you as paranoia or fear mongering. Your wife isn't a fool. Like any building project small steps lead to bigger ones.

The benefit for you to continue interacting with your former wife before the divorce judgment is final/issued = zero. This should be at the forefront of your thought process whenever and however your wife's path crosses yours going forward. You have nothing to gain. Your terms for divorce have already been agreed to by her. There is no further need for you to communicate with her or interact with her in any way. Certainly not until after the divorce completes. Your victory is assured barring any missteps on your part and any foolishness on her part.

On more than one occasion you have attempted to reason the why behind one of her offers. You have repeatedly reasoned that there is benefit for you both from past experience. Your efforts are wasted. Your line of thinking is flawed. There is only one question that should come to your mind anytime your wife interacts with you in person or by message. What does she hope to gain? Singular. If you should happen to benefit from anything she proposes that is a bonus but was never a consideration or an integral part of her offer. She will continue to search for any leverage she can hold over you, any means she can find to undermine you.

You should be on your guard. You should maintain distance and you should remain silent. If you have doubts check with your lawyer. From the beginning your wife has attempted to delay and/or derail the divorce process. It has been your good fortune so far that she hasn't gone to extremes to do so. That does not mean she is not capable of doing so or will not choose to do so within these last 60-90 days before the divorce is final.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 11:50 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8677940
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:25 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I caught her in the kitchen last night and thanked her kindly for the offer of sex, but told her I had to decline. She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"I did no such thing."

I pulled up the text on my phone and showed her.

She just shrugged. "Meh", she replied nonchalantly, "...I must have been drunk. Ignore it. Goodnight." Then she went upstairs.

What a piece of work. Yet another reason why you're divorcing her. She is bonkers.

I agree with smoldering, however. You played her game according to her rules. Stop playing her game.

you assumed she was operating from a place of good faith, but she's not.

She was working from a place of bad faith:

1. She wanted to see if she could still hold sway with you sexually. If you agreed, she would have either used it against you or continued to escalate sexually.

2. If you rejected or ignored her, her next step was to do what she just did. Play more mind games.

Start assuming bad faith for just about anything she says. Assume there is a manipulative motive first, and then work out from there.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:29 PM, July 23rd (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8677967
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I caught her in the kitchen last night and thanked her kindly for the offer of sex, but told her I had to decline. She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"I did no such thing."

I pulled up the text on my phone and showed her.

She just shrugged. "Meh", she replied nonchalantly, "...I must have been drunk. Ignore it. Goodnight." Then she went upstairs.

Okay, to riff off of an earlier question I asked, she's either trying to manipulate you or trying to check and see if she has any influence left over you. I really don't see her as being as "Machiavellian" as some people on this board do. Sad, for sure. Mourning, definitely.. on top of that, she's stung that you rejected her. I'm sure she's as human as anyone and wanted to in the moment, but since you led off with rejection she made that other crap up quickly to cover her ass.

Pride and Pathos, man.. it's more simple than you think.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8677977
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 11:27 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

This type of behavior should serve to remove all doubt from your mind regarding exposing her and AP to the OBS as soon as is advantageous to you.

Good luck.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8678047
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 2:45 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Ooooh, you are sharing a house with a viper.

She’s good at being her.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8678146
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Yes I was bad. I never should have responded at all to her. I am back on the 180 with a vengeance now. Things have settled back to normal and I barely ever lay eyes on her. She's very good at avoiding me.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8678946
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:28 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Yes I was bad. I never should have responded at all to her.

That is okay. You caught her in a lie.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8679019
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Justsomeguy ( Member #65583) posted at 12:06 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

I don't think she is machiavellian, I think she just doesn't give a shit. The problem with being a "normal" person, is that we think we are average, but more importantly, that others are basically like us, motivated by he same desires and governed by the same rules. It takes a while to truly understand how this is not true.

Take Billy for instance. The conventional and deeply flawed wisdom tells us that a bully is a deeply wounded individual who needs our sympathy and understanding. While this might be true in some cases, it is generally bullshit. All of the bullies I have dealt with, and i have encountered many, were basically assholes who quickly realized that they could leverage people's good natures against them to get what they wanted without any of the hard work that is normally involved. And the only thing a bully understands, i mean truly understands is a bigger bully.

Now, I am in no way advocating anything other than the understanding that you may be bringing a knife to a gun fight. She doesn't care about facts and reality, since she creates her own on the fly. You are bringing charts and graphs and data sheets, outlining things that are demonstrably true, to a person who does not recognize what truth is. What you end up with is a yes you did, no I didn't stalemate. It is maddening to a rational mind. Even if you roll the tape, they will just revert to that's "fake" and gleefully piss you off, enjoying their version of victory.

There are two strategies. The first is to take the high road and not engage, the much celebrated 180. The latter, and one that I would avoid, is to play three dimensional chess.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8679026
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 2:20 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

You are bringing charts and graphs and data sheets, outlining things that are demonstrably true, to a person who does not recognize what truth is.

Thank you posting this. I often feel this about my WW. There are a lot of people who don't recognize what truth is. They've been trained to accept the “your truth is not my truth” logical fallacy and it is how they really think. WS are merely the more notable outliers who have taken this and run with it.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8679087
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 5:08 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

I caught her in the kitchen last night and thanked her kindly for the offer of sex, but told her I had to decline. She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"I did no such thing."

I pulled up the text on my phone and showed her.

She just shrugged. "Meh", she replied nonchalantly, "...I must have been drunk. Ignore it. Goodnight." Then she went upstairs.

Mercenary!

She is not stupid, and this indicates that she is a master manipulator.

She hoped to draw you in, and manipulate you.

You refused, and thought that you could get 'one up' on her, spite her, show her who is boss.

She recognizes that her ploy did not work, then gives you a backhanded slap.

So, moral of this lesson? Don't play her game, as she is the master of it, and you are just a novice.

Just ignore.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8679125
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:49 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

If she ever texts you again asking for something, you won't reply. If she comes in and asks why in person, you will say "I thought you were drunk".

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8679145
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:14 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

"I thought you were drunk".

I can't wait to see her reaction is when she asks you why you won't reply to her messages.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8679155
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 10:28 PM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

She caught me in the hallway today and told me she found an apartment. I am over the moon. Cannot wait for her to move out!

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8682252
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phmh ( Member #34146) posted at 11:00 PM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

I am so happy to read this - my healing truly began when we were physically separate. You have such an incredible future ahead of you!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8682254
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:08 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

You're almost there. A few more days and you're totally free.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8682261
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:31 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Great news!

I’d purge and redecorate.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8682274
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 3:31 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Congratulations!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8682291
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 2:52 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Thank Jesus!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8682350
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 3:01 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

She caught me in the hallway today and told me she found an apartment. I am over the moon. Cannot wait for her to move out!

Looks like you are heading towards a happy ending, sir!

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8682352
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