SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TheEnd and InkHulk, both people in the examples you cited never even had the option of reconciling, and even if they had, the chances of having successful marriages with an woman who is in love with someone else or a man who is a serial-cheating alcoholic are quite slim.

If there’s a lesson to be learned from those experiences, it’s that divorce doesn’t fix infidelity by itself; the BS still needs to work on their own healing.

But from my experience, recovery is much easier after you’ve dislodged the knife from your back and aren’t constantly exposed to the person who stabbed you.

But from my experience, recovery is much easier after you’ve dislodged the knife from your back and aren’t constantly exposed to the person who stabbed you.

Totally fair point. My point in posting about my parents is to talk some about the possibility of being unhappy in D. There are a number of comments here that suggest that it’s the easy path to happiness, to the point that it was questioned whether it is morally wrong to even talk about R! As a BS in the thick of all this, it’s tempting to listen to those messages and go after an easy happiness. If nothing else, I’m reminding myself that that is a mirage.

I think everyone here has perhaps missed this complete gem of a one liner right here

"I wish someone had hit me with the cold hard truth right off the bat. If you stay with a cheater, SOMEONE will be nibbling on that shit sandwich for the rest of their marriage."

Except multiple credible people are saying that isn’t their experience. We’ll have a scar no matter what now, but that isn’t the same as perpetual awfulness.

I think everyone here has perhaps missed this complete gem of a one liner right here

"I wish someone had hit me with the cold hard truth right off the bat. If you stay with a cheater, SOMEONE will be nibbling on that shit sandwich for the rest of their marriage."

Again… I’m over 5 years from dday and I can reassure you I’ve finished the shit sandwich a while ago.

I am actually not certain why people keep insisting one option is better than the other. Truly reconciling with a fully accountable remorseful spouse can be a huge achievement and can lead to happiness. It takes a huge amount of work on both sides and you need both partners to be fully invested in it. No, the marriage will never be the same, why would you even want that, however it can be better even if it was a good marriage prior to infidelity.

You will also not be the same person however it is called growth. I will never be grateful my WH cheated on me, I am flipping proud though of the people that emerged from the ashes.

Divorce isn’t the easy path to happiness either. In fact if you look around IRL and on SI, healing, which ultimately leads to a happy and fulfilling life, regardless of which path you choose, takes a lot of work. In other words just by divorcing you will not suddenly find yourself healed. The healing path may be arguably easier, arguably because I have seen BSes that struggle on their healing journey without getting answers and remorse from their WS.

In conclusion: none of us chose to be here. But once you get past the bargaining stage, you may as well season that shit sandwich because you will eat it for a while regardless of the path you’re on, work hard on your healing and the rest will come.

I for one am cheering for every new beginning story I see from divorced BSes. I am currently supporting a BS IRL to divorce so I’m not here to "sell" R as a single path to happiness or as the better option. In fact I do agree that true R is rare because it takes a WS that is truly willing to look at themselves in the mirror and see all the ugly. Not many people can do that.

So whilst I’m cheering for all D’ed people as they are rebuilding their lives, wouldn’t it be great if D’ed people would also not imply that my R (and the R of other users that claim to have done so successfully) is a series of compromises I have made, for the kids or financially, or out of fear and that I will eat a shit sandwich for the rest of my life?

I am actually not certain why people keep insisting one option is better than the other.

Frankly – I have never seen any poster with more than 20 posts state that reconciliation is the better option of the two, nor that it’s the ONLY option. I have seen quite a number of posters that state divorce is the ONLY option.
I guess that’s why we have this friction, only its not about some thinking one option is better, but rather that one path is the ONLY option.

Well said Luna10. I haven't read most of the other posts on here...but I am sure there are others who are happily in R that have posted the same sentiment.

It's hard to believe that a M can THRIVE despite the trauma from an A. I honestly wasn't sure mine would at first either. But I am just ONE person on here who can attest to thriving away HAPPILY in our M!!!

It doesn't HAVE to be an either/or situation. Infidelity SUCKS...big hairy gorilla balls SUCKS!!! EVERY A is a dealbreaker...PERIOD. At first NONE of us feel we can get through this infidelity hell we have been put in through no fault of our own. It took ME 3 years before I felt we had turned a corner...and 7 years before I felt completely healed from this trauma. I went for D with my cheating 1st H...and in MY case...going for D was much easier than going for R. But I can honestly say that with us BOTH all in...R was very much WORTH IT!!

Over the years MANY people have PM'd me...telling me they just can't keep writing about their R on here because of the negative posts they have gotten on their positive R threads. This is like a self fulfilling prophecy for there not being many people in a happy R. They KNOW their TRUTH...they are living HAPPILY after the trauma that the A brought into their life. Yet they are being mocked and ostracized for even DARING to write that. They don't need that kind of mess...so they leave this site...and get on with their happy M's. We should be RESPECTFUL of ALL perspectives...and ALL people on here as well. It doesn't matter which side of the A triangle you are on...an A causes trauma to each side.

When I first got on here and read the stories in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the top of the Reconciliation Forum...I couldn't understand WHY most of those people didn't post on here anymore. I understand it now. I am not IN infidelity anymore...and it doesn't FEEL the same to be on here. But I keep coming on here to tell MY story so that it can bring HOPE to others who are suffering so much when they first find themselves on here. Someone once said that you can look at the Tagline of those posters and see that some of them have actually gotten separated and divorced after they wrote their story. That is very true. But you can also see those who have THRIVED despite being betrayed. THAT is TRUE also.

May we ALL find PEACE.

"I wish someone had hit me with the cold hard truth right off the bat. If you stay with a cheater, SOMEONE will be nibbling on that shit sandwich for the rest of their marriage."

But that's not 'the cold hard truth'.

The shit sandwich is the betrayal. That's with all of us. It's part of our life history. Every BS has to deal with this, and the healthiest way to do that is some form of acceptance. That's an opinion that is probably a fact - one truth that goes along with being betrayed..

Life after betrayal does not have to be a shit sandwich. If I thought R would be one, I would not have chosen R.

The question isn't 'Is D (or R) better than R (or D)?' That's a general question to which we simply don't have a generally accepted answer. When R is possible, the question every BS needs to answer is: '

Which is better for me - D or R ... or do I need more info before deciding?'

I think if we all sat down and talked this out, we'd find out we all actually agree about most of it and our differences of opinion sometimes are more about the words used than the thought behind the words.

I think what happens is people read a post of several paragraphs, where one turn of a phrase hits them wrong and they pursue it to squelch what they believe is a wrong point of view/assertion. And while there are some posters who see the world in black and white, they are a minority and most of us see the merit in R or D, depending on the circumstances.

I tried to point out in my lengthy post the other day that so many other things in our lives can affect which direction our lives go after DDay. Things that we might not even be aware of or ever consider. And, of course, our own idiosyncrasies and personality traits and our life views ALL affect whether we consider R. And then those same idiosyncrasies, personality traits and life views all play a role in whether it will be successful. Of course, we could argue about what defines success but then again, none of us a complete soul yet so even our success can still morph.

Bottom line is, however, not all of us will be happy again after infidelity has upended our lives. No matter how hard we try or how hard we work at it. And no matter whether we chose R or D. So I would caution those who believe that one's happiness is dependent on making the right choice because for some people, happiness can be found even after making the wrong choice and for some, happiness will not follow, even if their make the right choice. Life is messy. Life is complicated. But one thing I am sure of is, life is better when we can talk and connect with other people.

Over the years MANY people have PM'd me...telling me they just can't keep writing about their R on here because of the negative posts they have gotten on their positive R threads.

At 6 months I gave a positive healing update, a couple prominent members started mocking me. It was shocking and hurtful but didn’t deter me. I consider them friends now so it was a possible misunderstanding.

I don’t judge anyones journey, everyone has to choose their best option, and work like hell towards it.

Just wanted to put it out there that in my lived experience, R is not a myth. I've read a lot of stories and mine doesn't seem particularly unique. I certainly don't feel like a unicorn. Sometimes I feel bad broadcasting it here when so many people are at different stages of hurt and pain, but my new marriage is generally a happy one. Certainly not perfect - but I promise you that infidelity isn't a major (or even minor) player in any current marital arguments or spats.

I'm not here to try to convince anyone to R or D, or to suggest that one is better than the other. I just want to counter the narrative that R is impossible. I know firsthand how discouraging that narrative can be when you are in the early (painful!) stages of trying it out.

I would also question treating the "statistics" of a single MC as gospel as to the long-term outcomes of R. I haven't seen our MC for years. I assure you, that she has no idea where we're at at this point. Like many couples, she saw us briefly during an incredibly rocky period of our relationship. She gave us some tools to help us communicate but the vast, vast majority of our work was done outside of her office. I know some people lean on their MC's more than we did but that was just not my experience.

"I wish someone had hit me with the cold hard truth right off the bat. If you stay with a cheater, SOMEONE will be nibbling on that shit sandwich for the rest of their marriage."

This doesn't feel right to either, sorry. I wonder if it might be a bit of projection. Did I feel resentment post D-day in the early days of R? You betcha I did, but working through those resentments was a part of MY work in R. I decided early on that if R meant that I would always have resentments towards my husband, and he would forever be in the doghouse, I didn't want R.

"I wish someone had hit me with the cold hard truth right off the bat. If you stay with a cheater, SOMEONE will be nibbling on that shit sandwich for the rest of their marriage."

I think if someone believes this, and believes they will always believe it, they probably should divorce.

Sometimes I feel bad broadcasting it here when so many people are at different stages of hurt and pain, but my new marriage is generally a happy one. Certainly not perfect - but I promise you that infidelity isn't a major (or even minor) player in any current marital arguments or spats.

Thanks for sharing that, Emergent8.

As a relatively new BS, it helps me tremendously to see the full range of possible outcomes so I can hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Sometimes I feel bad broadcasting it here when so many people are at different stages of hurt and pain, but my new marriage is generally a happy one. Certainly not perfect - but I promise you that infidelity isn't a major (or even minor) player in any current marital arguments or spats.

Kind of the opposite but same here.

My wife and I nearly never argue about anything except the affair. And five years on, we seldom argue at all, even about the affair. We have difficult conversations sometimes, less now than previously, but those generally lead to progress.

But this scenario that we don’t argue about anything except the affair is, ironically, a great improvement over the marriage we had before and during the affair wherein we argued about everything except the as yet unrevealed affair. It turns out all the stupid shit we used to argue about was actually not that important and fairly easy to resolve, especially compared to the affair.

emergent8 -

From one non-Unicorn to another:

Well said.

Sometimes I feel bad broadcasting it here when so many people are at different stages of hurt and pain, but my new marriage is generally a happy one. Certainly not perfect - but I promise you that infidelity isn't a major (or even minor) player in any current marital arguments or spats.

It is uphill being a healed and happier person here. It is why I will take SI breaks a month or two at a time, as there is always, and I mean always push back on my life experience when I talk about my M going well. I get it. The most active group of members are the newest ones struggling with the horror show of infidelity, not many want to read about me celebrating anything.

The A is still a topic now and again, but it is never a conflict, it is usually something I haven’t resolved in my own healing. My wife just recognizes the 1000-yard stare when I have an old thought on repeat, and she jumps in to check on me.

I also like your description of the oft utilized ‘shit sandwich’ metaphor as ongoing or life long resentment.

I can’t live that way, as the old saying about resentment — it is like drinking poison everyday hoping the other person will die.

I do agree infidelity is a debt that can’t be balanced, but letting go (whether any of us R OR D) is a healthy way to leave history behind.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:58 PM, Friday, March 3rd]

If you are the bs you need to look at your partner with clear eyes. Are they generally a kind and thoughtful person? Are they ashamed at what they have done? Were they trustworthy? Is this the first time they cheated? All of us have patterns in our lives. It is easy to look back and see how they were in their daily lives. How they treated you and others. Lastly…can you forgive and allow them grace? You know your marriage. You know yourself.

I have a partial list of cheating/cheaters:

One time only
Reconnected to old hs bf/gf
Fell in love/lust w cow
Uses affair to hide from depression
Enjoys cheating because no good boundaries
Narcissist feels entitled
Sex addiction
Uses alcohol/other drugs, hangs out with other ws
Married wrong person
Uses exit affair

Some of these means not much hope for R and others might.

Lastly do you love a reasonably healthy person or are you co-dependent with a damaged person.

The betrayal becomes, I truly believe, part of the fabric of our life for the rest of our life, regardless of whether we work towards reconciliation or end up separated or divorced. There is a scar there in the deepest recesses of my consciousness from my wife's 15 month long affair which like the jagged scar on my leg from a motorcycle accident over five decades ago, throbs and aches when conditions and circumstances set it off. I have learned to see it for what it is however: A reminder of a past injury which has no relevance to the life I now enjoy in a reconstituted, new 2.O version of marriage and a healthy relationship with the woman I love. And yes the eyes tell the story. When she was deeply immersed in the affair and was vilifying me, when she wasn't treating me as if I was invisible, inconsequential or a bloody nuisance in the way of her being more frequently with her AP, I knew from her dead eyes alone from which the spark of love had gone, when she could look at me at all. That clear steady gaze with a twinkle has returned, it no longer belongs to her AP from decades ago.

One thing I've noticed lately,on this thread,and others...

It's acceptable to say R is absolutely possible. They're encouraged to say it. They speak of their personal experience, and others. It's held up like a banner,practically.

Yet, if someone says TRUE reconciliation is a unicorn, and say they're speaking from their own personal experience, and the experience of others, they're met with comments from members,and staff, telling them what they've said is a generalization, and not allowed.

Just an observation.

Usually, as it gets near the end of each side of the spectrum, it's often a no-no.

Vast Generalizations--Bad
Direct Absolutes--Bad

I guess the real problem is when someone makes a statement as a solid fact. Sure, it may be in their situation, but when it has the smell of absolution, it often rankles feathers. At least that's my observation.

Yet, if someone says TRUE reconciliation is a unicorn, and say they're speaking from their own personal experience, and the experience of others, they're met with comments from members,and staff, telling them what they've said is a generalization, and not allowed.

That’s because one person’s lack of an experience does not and can not invalidate someone else’s lived experience. I’ve never won the lottery, doesn’t mean TRUE lottery winners aren’t out there. No matter how many people didn’t have successful R’s, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible as we have first hand accounts telling us it is. The numbers might be bleak, we really don’t know though, as all of this is self reported and biased populations.