SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He's a victim... of his own shitty behaviors. He's a victim of his choices. You leaving him and cutting him off is a natural and expected consequence for what he's done.

I woke up at like 3am last night and couldn't sleep. I had these flashes of anger at some of the crap he pulled on me. I'm really, really pissed - and I just don't even know how to do anger. I usually just talk myself out of it because it's useless and there's no where to put it.

This guy robbed me and our marriage of money, time and fidelity. He traumatized and blamed me. He's a piece of entitled crap to think he can come to me for sympathy or keep a connection to me to prop up his image (He's still pretending we're together to his work colleagues, daughter and many of his friends - except the mutuals, who I told.). I feel so much hatred for him today. I really think I can do NC now - honestly, why the fuck was I giving this asshole the time of day?!!!

That wound doesn't start healing until you clean it out, put ointment and a bandaid on it, and stop picking at it.

Ellie, something you said really clicked for me. I didn't even realize that I was prioritizing him over my healing by staying in contact. I thought I was throwing him a little salve for his pain, never acknowledging how much contact with him was continually setting me back and causing me pain.

Two by four appreciated. Keep them coming should I stumble, please.

B&B - will do - staying strong and going NC.

The last thing I need to get from cheater asshole is his new health insurance info so I'm covered until the D is finalized. He starts his new job on Monday. Hopefully that won't be a big to do.

(((Skeeter)))

You got this. It's tough, but the longer you stick to nc the easier it gets. To me it was akin to an addiction. The withdrawals at the beginning were hard and painful. But once the ick had worked it's way out of my system, I felt so much better and stronger.

I needed a lot of 2x4's in that time too so I'm more than happy to pay it forward!

Hello Womenz

Hope you all had a restful holiday!

I managed to have a decent if not quiet season!

Hey Womenz! It's been a while, and I will go back and catch up on what is happening, but I just wanted to pop in and say a belated Happy New Year! I feel like it really can't go anywhere but up in 2021....right?

Happy New Year, Womenz.

TallGirl, TX, good to see you back. I think a few of us have been wondering where you have been, trusting that everything is good and absence from here is a good sign.

Skeeter - I have to say, each time you post, I am in complete awe of you. You really have been dealt the shittest of shitty sandwiches, yet you are handling it like a boss, if I may say so. You inspire me, as do so many of the other wonderful women on here, and I just wanted to virtually high five you for being the strong, badass woman you are.

I'm really struggling today, and for once it's not due to xWBF. The UK (my home country) is in full lockdown once again for 6 weeks, and I'm really worried about my family and friends over there, how they are going to cope. I'm extremely worried about the new variant and I get SUPER ragey when I see / hear about people travelling, getting together in big groups etc. Half the UK went to Dubai over the holidays so it seems. My parents are getting older, my brother is high risk due to a medical condition he has and getting COVID could kill him. Yet people are going out there, seemingly not caring about this at all. Borders are not locked down. No testing requirements to go in and out of the country. But there is also a sense of relief - the lockdown is shit, for sure, but at least it's decisive action to try and curb the spread until the vaccine is distributed.

Here, in the US, well a completely different matter. I am alone, as you guys know, no family at all here, but have a bubble of 3-4 friends. Well, with the new variant, they are now getting more conservative (understandably so as they are sensible folks) so my world is shrinking even more. Add to that the shitshow that is likely to happen in DC this week (National Guard being brought in to counter the pro-Trump protests) and, well, my anxiety is at an all time high, I feel super isolated and really really lonely. I'm doing a lot of zoom / video calls, but my family is all in the UK, so when I feel it worse - evenings - they are all in bed, fast asleep.

I'll be honest, I've been trying to keep away from this site as I really do feel myself moving on from the infidelity trauma and being here can keep me in that mindset, but this group in particular has been so supportive and so helpful, I've decided to try and just return to this thread and not read some of the other stuff.

Anyway, just a vent / brain dump into the Ether.

OOL,

So sorry for your anxiety. This sucks so much. I'm feeling the isolation as well. I have a small bubble of folks - basically three others - the fourth has gone off the rails in terms of ignoring social distancing and safety measures. I'd hired her to transport my disabled son a few times a week, but now have to do it myself as she just got back from a weekend of bar hopping and clubbing in phoenix and I can't risk exposing him. I'm ready to explode. My daughter is in Europe and I can't visit her (wouldn't if I could). I haven't seen her in a year.

The only thing that helps me right now is a bit of nature - I walk/hike when I can motivate to do so. It relieves the anxiety for the duration of the walk and a little afterwards. I'm sure it's snowy and blustery where you are, but sometimes tromping about in snow is refreshing - depending how wet and windy and whether you have the right boots. I used to live in New England so I get how gross and unpleasant it can be. Small moments of joy/distraction/beauty may be as good as it gets for awhile.

I can't even imagine being in the eye of the storm in terms of presidential politics right now - even reading about it causes me so much anxiety.

Maybe strategizing a new nighttime routine might help - soak in the tub, listen to music, read/journal - I guess they're calling that self-care these days

Hugs and feel better! Thanks for the kind words - not sure they're deserved. I feel like the world's slowest learner. I really just started to feel anger over what he did to me a few days ago and dday was a year and a half ago!!

So, little story to file in the "stupid shit waywards say" category....

Covid has hit my WH's biz, so they are working out some restructuring that impacts my WH's dept - and laying someone off. He told the potential firee that she wasn't getting a raise or bonus, and she was not happy. So she went to another shareholder and complained (both she and this other shareholder were D in the last few years- his was sudden & quick, and I've always thought he'd had an A - even before my own dday).

The other partner then started working to keep her from being fired. It's all been effed up and kinda suspicious. Anyhow, last night I said to WH: Maybe [female potential firee] and [male partner going outside his lane to keep her from being fired] had an A.

What does WH say?

"well, she supposedly has a serious significant other now".....

I'm thinking "dafuq?" and say.... well, you supposedly had a wife

WH gets pissed.

I'm kind of LOL.

My STBX has said similar things about others having affairs - "I don't think so, he's married" kind of thing. Yeah, because that totally stopped his dozens upon dozens of hook ups.

They are idiots.

I hear Cheaters say stuff like that too

Ummm, if you feel this way, then WHY did you cheat?

I hope he felt as stupid as his comment was. Good comment gmc

I subscribe to an email newsletter about infidelity.

Today’s excerpt was on Why THAT person for the AP?

I think the APs my husband had were merely the only ones who responded to his crap.

He wasn’t offering much, so, used bad bait

So he hooked ugly fish!

LMAO!

He gets pissed when I remind him his APs were profoundly hideous.

I’d love to wax on that their ugly was internal, but they were ugly outside too!

I remind him he gets what he gives

Bwahahaha!

20years - my whole marriage went off the rails the moment my WH first AP responded to his flirting crap. He even admitted she was the first who responded to him...and thus the affair was born. We were fine, or so I thought, prior to her entering our lives...but truly the whole thing rests on my WH shoulders. He initiated the affair and kept it going for years...all whilst having an another affair with his Ex and then looking for more affair partners.

What he left behind was a shitstorm. My oldest son and I talked again last night. He is in biweekly therapy. He told me last night that all of his mental health struggles are due to his dad’s cheating and poor character. Not with grieving over his death. He has a strong fear he will get older and fall into the same path as his dad. Poor boundaries and character. He struggles with the fact his dad was not really truly a good person.

It just makes me sad....the cheaters are so very selfish and never considered the path of destruction they leave behind. And my kids don’t even know the extent of how truly messed up and broken their dad was...they don’t know about all the inappropriate emails, multiple affairs, crappy things he said about me, and how he admitted to others he was with me for my “money”.

Off topic and another question for you all....I will never know the full truth of his affairs...how many, who with, escorts (?), etc. How do you reconcile and live with that? I am a want to know everything details person...who lived with a man who lied about everything up until he died. That is one of the things I struggle with...how to stop trying to find out the truth when I know I will never get the answers I am looking for.

How do you just let go of the truth?

Off topic and another question for you all....I will never know the full truth of his affairs...how many, who with, escorts (?), etc. How do you reconcile and live with that? I am a want to know everything details person...who lived with a man who lied about everything up until he died. That is one of the things I struggle with...how to stop trying to find out the truth when I know I will never get the answers I am looking for.

How do you just let go of the truth?

When in doubt, I assume the worst.

I found out about 2 affairs at the same time, 9 years apart. I have no way of confirming any of his story for the first. I never suspected it, he blurted it out when I confronted him about the second. I can't imagine ever getting to a point that I don't wonder if it really ended when he says it did. Did they really "just" have lunch after it ended? Where there others? I don't know, I've asked him all these questions but I will always wonder.

How do you just let go of the truth?

For me? I just got to a point where I assumed that 98% of the air out of his liehole was untrue. And that I valued my sanity and myself more than trying to untangle his shit.

It wasn't easy, but I HAD to let it go for my own sake.

How do you just let go of the truth?

I assume there is waaaaay more than I discovered. I got an anonymous email in 2009 from a woman who said she had been f**king him for years and he proposed to her but couldn't leave because of the kids. Of course he lied about it so I don't have proof like the A I discovered in 2012 with MOW. My SIL says there is more that SHE knows that I don't know but doesn't want to tell me. So I'm banking on my whole M being a lie.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:56 PM, January 7th (Thursday)]

How do you just let go of the truth?

When any of that information doesn't change your course.

At first, I needed to understand what the hell was happening with my life. I got zero help with that. Every last bit of information I had to uncover myself. It was horrible. I eventually even found crap from years past.

I also hated the idea that he had "one-upped" me all that time. He was in the know and I was ignorant. But you know what - play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He could win the lying, deceiving and destroying another person game. Good for him. What's the trophy again for that shit?

When I knew I was done - it just didn't matter any longer. He could go on his merry little fucked up way and take his dirty little secrets with him.

TA99, I'm so sorry for what you and your son are going through. These cheaters are in too much denial to own the influence and impact they have on their children. Thank goodness your boy has you.

UG, It's not easy to let go of the desire for answers. There are some women I'd love to chat with if I felt like I'd get an ounce of honesty.

If this site is a guide it's always worse than you think it is. So, maybe that's what we can know. The desire to know is strong but wanes over time as our lives fill up with new things and people.

If this site is a guide it's always worse than you think it is. So, maybe that's what we can know. The desire to know is strong but wanes over time as our lives fill up with new things and people.

Thanks to everyone for their honest answers. From what I can tell, none of those who answered are still with their WH’s. My WH only gave up one piece of honest truth that I never found out myself...the first time they slept together. The rest was based on what I was able to verify and the rest, I now know, was lies. I think he was scared I would make him leave in the last months...which I almost did on many occasions. But in the end I stuck it out and I am glad I did that but only for my kids sake.

I do think it was way worse than I will ever know...my gut tells me that. And finally, I do listen to my intuition. A huge part of me always knew he was lying, even when he swore on my kids lives that he was telling the truth. His story never made sense or sat well with me. Now, after his death and discovering more information...it does. And actually that gives me a bit of peace.

Now I think I can just look forward. I do feel I am slowly healing. Better each day. Less affair ruminating. Now if only I could start to fill my life with new things...Covid doesn’t help that at all. I am in Canada in full lock down. I am lucky and have a very strong friend group I keep in touch with...and they all know my story. They help a lot. My kids know that what he did was wrong and that I would have divorced him...both for the affairs and very much so for the lies and broken trust.

I hope that after the vaccine...we all can start to live again. Our lives definitely settled for the better after he passed....we lived for years in a “stuck” limbo from both the cancer and then his infidelity. We all felt a sense of relief when he passed. No more suffering. Both were the centre of our world. And none of us could live or move forward with cancer and infidelity hanging over us.

Thanks....have a peaceful day all!

TA999,

Thank goodness you're all free. This is a terrible time to rebuild our lives, isn't it but hopefully we will be out from under covid sooner than later.

My STBX swore on his daughter's life when I had irrefutable proof he was lying. I was actually stunned. I always thought the times he swore on her life he was telling the truth. I wanted to believe something was sacred to him, but that was foolish. Nothing is sacred to them but them.

What does one do in Canada in the winter? Do you ski or tromp around in the snow or is it too miserable? I've lived in cold climates and while the occasionally snowy excursion was fun I remember a lot of hibernating in the winters.

Ug, my posts are either disappearing or showing up twice, see next page.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 11:55 AM, January 8th, 2021 (Friday)]