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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:23 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

Stay quiet?

Me?

Beahahaha!

Never gonna happen

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8625081
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

Agreed. The stereotypes are infuriating - and I'm sure there are men who feel the same way about the stereotypes directed entirely at them.It makes my blood boil and since my adrenalin response is always about to go off (thanks trauma!), I try to ignore those threads (and/or posters) if I can help it.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8625084
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 11:57 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

Quiet actually comes natural to me, I listen and watch a lot. But, I’m not silent.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8625132
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 7:08 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Hey womenz - first antiversary today and tomorrow (today - he told me he no longer felt a connection with me, that he wanted to see what else what out there tomorrow - found out about EA).

I just want to get through this weekend - can't stop thinking of how I felt, the absolute complete and utter shock and betrayal. And feeling so sad for OOL of a year ago. I then just want to get through what would have been our anniversary (Feb 1) when we went to Jamaica. Still can't believe I went with him. When we got back, he started talking to her again because he missed her. Two days after that I moved out and the rest - as they say - is history.

I bet he doesn't even realise this is the day he broke my heart.

Not sure exactly how I feel. But I know I'll be ok.

Apologies for my lack of input here recently. Staying off social media in general as my mental health was being impacted, was glued to the news, given the events that happened down the road from me.

Hope everyone is holding up in these very strange and unsettling times. I would give anything to jump on a plane and go and sit on an island for a few weeks. I think that is what I will plan for once the world goes back to semi-normality.

Have a lovely long weekend everyone x

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8625613
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:35 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

(((Hugs))) Outoflove

Please do something nice for YOU today, push him out of your head

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8625617
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:45 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Those anti-versaries are hard to deal with for sure.

But OOL, please give yourself some huge kudos for how far you have come. Night and day from a year ago.

Do something nice for yourself today and definitely know you are gonna be okay!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8625620
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 8:50 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

(((OOL)))

First things first. Be kind to yourself over the next few days/weeks and allow yourself to be sad, to ruminate, cocoon, shut down periodically if you need to. Feel the feels. It's part of the process. And it sucks terribly, but you're now quite familiar with the cycle. You will get tired of it and then you will get back up, stronger for having pushed through. You have been, and continue to be, a rockstar in all this!

Do you happen to have that list of things you won't miss about xWBF? Now might be a good time to pull it out.

He is not worth it. Repeat it like a mantra.

Along with that list of things you won't miss about him, perhaps consider reviewing the list of things YOU bring to the table - to remind yourself of what an idiot he is.

I'm so sorry for your pain and anxiety. Another giant step in healing is getting past this first antiversary.

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8625636
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:01 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

OOL - my “big” dday was October 2019...up until the first anniversary I had a lot of worry about it. I was dreading it. But the reality was when I woke up that morning, I made a decision not to let my WH steal anything more from me. I chose to “take back” the day. I made a donation to my favourite animal rescue as soon as I woke up and took the rest of the day to find joy that I was no longer in infidelity. I had made it...I thought back to how horrendous those first few days, weeks and months were, and focused on being proud of myself of how far I had come.

Now comes the year of all of the other “firsts”. First Christmas, New Years without him. We survived those also. Next will be his birthday at the end of the month...then this summer the first anniversary of his death.

As much as I am glad I am no longer in infidelity, I do have to walk the fine line that my kids still love their Dad...they still are grieving him and missing him. Me..I don’t miss him at all and I keep in mind that is just another part of the fall out from his cheating. Another decision he made for me. I would be in a completely different mindset had he not cheated for so many years of our marriage...I would be missing him more and still grieving. But the reality was that my marriage was based on lies and was quite frankly a sham.

Be kind to yourself...be proud of who you are becoming...remember you are the prize and you have strength. And if our asshat SO’s were too stupid to realize that, it is their loss not ours. You got this!

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8625732
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:39 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

OOL - so sorry you are feeling these suck ass after shocks of infidelity. It's still early days and it will get better, for all of us. (((HUGS)))

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8625768
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 8:59 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Hugs OOL.

Put on your favourite kickass sparkly boots, something pretty and own the day because you are awesome.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8625806
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:44 PM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

I just popped in JFO. I can’t.

Does anyone else here have a hard time reading that forum. After nearly 3 years I would have thought I could.

The pain is so raw. It makes it very hard.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8625900
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 4:24 PM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

I mostly avoid JFO, I have an especially hard time with the frantic pleas for help trusting their WP like it’s their fault. I do very much appreciate those that helped me when I was in the first few months of this.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8625904
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:49 PM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

JFO is way triggering. I go there occasionally because I want to reassure and comfort folks but yeah, it's too fresh for me often. It brings me right back to that sickening moment when the ground dropped out beneath my feet and the world was spinning around me. And the denial and the abuse the WSs dish out post dday. So much ugliness and pain.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8625908
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

Ha!

The best revenge?

Having WH tell me today that it hurts that I shut him out!

Thought you’d all appreciate reading it!

I had to hold my breath so I didn’t smile and laugh when he said it

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8626158
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

I kinda go in waves with JFO. It reminds me of my early days too, but I like to share if someone's story speaks to me for some reason.

I wish I could be like... a live JFO support person and go offer in-person support and 'fuck this shit' to newbies. Like a bitchilante. That would be sweet

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8626221
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 10:20 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

Ellie, I think you’d be kick ass at that!!

Managed to get through the last couple of days. Saw friends. Went out for a bike ride. Let the feelings flow. Next date is 1Feb (anniversary) but after that, all the “firsts” should be done.

Re JFO, I read in there quite a lot when I’m not actively trying to stay away from all things infidelity related. is hard to see so many people going through what I went through but it helps me realise how far I have come. And the support that newbies get is so heartening, even though it takes them a long time to realise it. My heart aches for the newbies. I don’t comment much as honestly, my experience seems so mundane compared to others that I don’t want to come across as patronizing and I’m not sure I’m far enough past things to be articulate with advice.

@20 - the cognitive dissonance is astonishing.

@throwaway - I honestly do not know how you are holding yourself together with all the shot you have going on. You really are badass.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8626232
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:28 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

I don’t comment much as honestly, my experience seems so mundane compared to others that I don’t want to come across as patronizing and I’m not sure I’m far enough past things to be articulate with advice.

My mom is in AA (just past her 8 year sober date). Her story is definitely not as 'bad' as some in there and for a long time she didn't feel like her story needed to be shared because it wasn't as dramatic as others.

But I'll tell you the same thing I told her - YOUR story is important. YOUR story can and will resonate with someone and help them. Sharing your experiences (I think) is a key component to healing from this crap.

I don't respond a ton in JFO, but when I recognize myself in a poster or when their story speaks to me in some way I feel free to share my experience, strength, and hope. OOL you have a lot of that to give too - especially the hope part. Don't feel like your experiences aren't important and very worth sharing because they definitely are!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8626236
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:00 AM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

OOL - you are so sweet. I am not feeling very kick ass today. I didn’t sleep well last night...I was ruminating all the dates when my WH was cheating. It occurs to me that on one trip to the the Magic Kingdom...he insisted he needed to stay home to work. After Dday I asked him multiple times if he had flown AP#1 in that week to our house....but now I know he had AP#2 who was local...answers my question I guess. I know now his ex wife likely spent the week at our house...in my bed. What an colossal asshole I was married too. And not such a “Magical” trip for me and the kids after all. I hate that all the worse things I imagine were likely true and sadly my life makes more sense now that I know and am starting to accept that.

My WH’s birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Another hard day for my kids...I asked what they wanted to do to mark the day. My oldest, bless his heart, suggested visiting his resting sight. Not that I want to go at all...but I would for my kids. Good or bad...we can’t because of Covid and our lockdown...the place his urn is in is closed. So likely it will just be a sucky day for my kids at home.

Trying to be empathetic to my kids while I am so fucking angry at my WH is hard. They have no idea about the serial cheating...they only think it was one LTA...which is bad enough. And we kept the many screaming fights to when they weren’t around...at least as much as possible, so they don’t know all of the horrendous things he said to me after Dday.

Some days life is just hard. Today is one of them.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8626259
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:25 AM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

(((Hugs))) TA

I honestly believe that Cheaters go to Hell

So, our time with them is limited to on this Earth.

BSs go to Heaven, because that’s where God sends good people. And He can see through the lies, masks, charades

TA? You’re a great lady! Your children are so fortunate you’re their Mom

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to know your parent is capable of such evil

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8626299
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 4:19 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

Hey TA, I'm sorry you're having a rough go right now. It's so awful when normally good memories get buggered up by the infidelity. The Disney story is heart wrenching. Your late WH's behavior was truly monstrous!

Your anger is understandable. He never had to face true consequences for his actions, having simply martyred his ass off to a better place. Heck, I'm pissed off for you!

Can you at least give yourself credit for the amazing strength you have shown by taking the high road with the kids? It must be infuriatingly difficult to let them keep their memories and not think of their dad as the total POS you know him to be. It probably feels like you're protecting him, as you're actually protecting them.

Regarding the JFO forum. I need to stay away. I read there quite a bit, and I'm not sure why. The pain is so raw it's frightening, and I rarely post because replies are kinda formuletic, appropriately. All I can think of is I must need to process something because I keep getting drawn back to it.

Sending peace womenz! Wishing you all strength in healing.

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8626415
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