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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, January 8th, 2021

TA99 you had so much thrown at you at once, I can't imagine the amount of crap you've had to process.

I am still with my husband, I'm currently in an analyze everything he does phase, waiting to see if he can become the man I thought I married.

I've mostly passed the need for details about the affair, I have approximate start and end dates, I don't want any more explicit details than I have, sleep is hard enough without mind movie seeds. What nags at me still, were there only 2 affairs and the end date of the first.

I can't imagine surviving anything but lockdown in Canada, I would just have to hibernate. This Texan can't handle that kind of cold, I need warm and sunny.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8623157
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 11:04 AM on Saturday, January 9th, 2021

Hey all....living up north isn’t too bad. And we haven’t had much snow this year yet....I did conquer the snowblower already. Snow blowing, grass cutting on the tractor and bbq....things I never had to do before.

But summer is my favourite for sure. I used to ski and still have them but I have no desire to try it this year. Too much close contact waiting for the lifts. My eldest built a rock wall in our garage, so that keeps him busy. My middle is trying his hand at kickboxing....but no gyms are open. My youngest has been booking skating times at outdoor rinks...and wearing a mask.

Today my good friend is having a few friends over for a campfire supper. We are allowed 10 people max outside to gather right now. So I will bundle up and enjoy seeing a few friends tonight. Honestly, SI and my friends have kept me sane through all of this.

And I am very thankful I have a job (not a great one) that allows me to work from home. I would be lost without it....I thrive and heal best when I am busy.

And I just ordered a cross-stitch kit....haven’t done it in years but I am desperate for things to do in the evenings. Lol

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8623303
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 10:50 PM on Saturday, January 9th, 2021

TA999 - you're kicking ass on the equipment! I too have learned the bbq and the leaf blower. I just bought a chain saw to tackle the trees - wish me luck!!

The campfire sounds really nice - enjoy!!

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8623402
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 11:54 PM on Saturday, January 9th, 2021

I’ve figured out the bucket on the tractor, ready to start mowing. Also need to bug my husband about getting the mower unblocked by my monster in law’s car. I get the feeling he’s stalling on that hoping to frustrate me enough to go talk to her myself. I have a chainsaw on a stick that’s great for clearing brush and branches that’s lots of fun.

I worked for a friend today who owns a bookstore and hung out with a bunch of old men. It was a nice low stress day out of the house.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8623412
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 3:01 AM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Womenz I need some prayers please! My little mini dachshund Revvie is having back issues. This isn't my first rodeo with doxie back problems but I am so worried about her. I took her to the vet on Wed and she's on some meds And I've been keeping her pretty still but she's gotten worse the last two days. I know there's a lot to pray for in the world today, but if you can spare one for my baby girl I'd sure appreciate it.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8623449
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 3:26 AM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Ellie I hope your pup feels better soon! Happy healthy puppy vibes your way.

TA I am up North with you! Lockdown is boring. Have been doing a lot of hikes, walks, and lots of drinking with the neighbours out doors. Today was lovely out.

I have been painting pottery to keep busy - pretty crap at it but I like it. Considering paint by numbers next.

I hope you all have a good rest of the weekend.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8623454
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HeHadADoubleLife ( Member #68944) posted at 5:29 AM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Thinking of you and your dog Ellie!

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8623460
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 3:41 PM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Ellie - Sending good vibes for your poor pup! It’s so awful when they aren’t well...it makes you helpless as they can’t tell you what’s wrong or what’s hurting. Hugs and prayers to you and her!

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8623504
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 3:49 PM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

((Ellie))) Sending prayers and healing energy to your puppy!!

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8623508
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 5:38 PM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Ellie, I hope your dog gets better soon, my MIL has 2 dachshunds in their teens that she occasionally has to force into bedrest because of back problems.

It’s snowing here, I’m not happy about it but, the kids are having fun. I got stuck driving in it.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8623525
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Chili ( Member #35503) posted at 7:26 PM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

LE - sending all the good mojo for your beautiful creature. They are our hearts and I know how much we hurt when they hurt. You're a fabulous dog mum.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Loving flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2136   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8623540
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 11:03 PM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Oh no Ellie!

I had corgis with back problems.

It sucks!

Hi Womenz!

Replacing house air conditioner on Tuesday, $8,000!

Thank goodness for the stock just market!

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 8:40 PM, January 10th (Sunday)]

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8623560
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 8:33 PM on Monday, January 11th, 2021

Thank you lovlies - happily your prayers appear to be working for Revvie! She seems to be doing better today. Still not 100% but way better than she was over the weekend. Very cautiously optimistic.

But of course I slipped the other day while I was shoveling and fucked my knee up so now I'm gimpin around. Sigh.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8624653
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 6:04 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Hi Womenz!

I wish I'd been gone because things are good. I've really been gone because life seems overwhelmingly crappy most of the time!

I read a few pages back and just wanted to touch on a few things...

((ELLIE)) - So glad that Revvie seems to be better. Sorry about your knee! I'd be screwed if I lived somewhere I needed to shovel snow. Hate the cold, hate being all wrapped up if I have to be outside, I think I'd just take it as a sign to become a full on recluse. Hope your knee feels better soon.

((TA99)) - Regarding the truth. I know it's hard, to think you will never know. But I agree with the idea that you can just assume the worst. I do. It won't change anything at this point to learn more. Your path forward is all up to you, and honestly, you are in a unique position that you no longer are faced with deciding what to say or if you should stay. You are not keeping his secrets to his family or your kids. You are as free as you possibly can be. Don't let HIS shitty character bring down the idea of you living the rest of your life in a joyful and peace-filled way. It sucks massively to be in the dark, but it will never change. And one thing about this shitshow of infidelity that is true across the board - we cannot change the past and HAVE to accept that it's our reality. (Easier said than done!)

20Years and BentandBroken - I did the same thing last year. I just assumed there would be a PM with info, so didn't go back to the thread. So this year I put a reminder on my phone to check back for the address. They had it up by Halloween I believe, so ample time. I wouldn't feel guilty though, every one of us understands the trauma brain screws with things like this. Plus, some of us (me!!) were never good at remembering shit in the first place.

Had an interesting moment last night. WH and I are bingeing The Good Place right now. Lots of interesting conversations about good things and consequences have come out of it. Anyways, I won't spoil it in case you haven't watched and want to, but something in the show happened that made me rethink the idea that I would definitely want to erase my life and start over pre-marriage. I really don't. My life and experiences were MINE. And they were authentic on my end. My kids, my parenting, my hopes, my joy. All MINE and I'll be damned if I let my dumb ass husband's awful choices and immorality take MY life away.

Anyways, just a thought because every moment for the past almost 4 years, I have wished that I could forget the past 24 years of my life with my H. Not sure whether I'm successfully detaching or healing, but it's nice to start to have fond memories again.

Hope all of you ladies are having a great Tuesday.

Oh, and also, I wanted to recommend two things.

1. I'm a Christian (as in I love me some Jesus and believe in a God), but not religious (as in I understand why people have left churches in droves but am hanging on to church community myself.). If you haven't heard of her Lysa TerKeurst is a Christian author and she just released a book called Forgiving What You Cant Forget. (Her H cheated and they almost divorced but have reconciled.) It's got some good parts to it - even if you aren't Christian and some concrete ideas about letting go of the pain (even if you don't/can't reconcile) (And if you are religious, there is a free bible study using the book that starts next week on her company's website.)

2. WH and I are still working through Courageous Love. I finally (after months and two iterations) finished my impact letter last week.(He had to first start the process with a disclosure, then I wrote my letter). Yesterday, he wrote me a restitution letter (basically acknowledging each part of my impact letter). It was a really good exercise for each of us and oddly gave me a comfort and peace that hasn't come in the conversations and interactions and apologies of the last 18 months since true disclosure. If any of y'all are reconciling, it's a good step-by-step program so far. (Supposed to be done with therapists but I cannot find good ones locally so we are doing on our own.) Next up is triggers and mind movies - yay!

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:14 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8624816
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 6:18 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Oh, one more thing...

I cannot remember if I mentioned this before, but there is a free betrayal support group online from two therapists in Arizona (one is divorced from her SA husband and seemingly thriving and the other is still married to her H and seemingly good as well). One of them does the Love Rice podcast with Kevin Skinner. I've been attending and have found it helpful.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8624821
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 8:42 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

My kids, my parenting, my hopes, my joy. All MINE and I'll be damned if I let my dumb ass husband's awful choices and immorality take MY life away.

This really spoke to me today. Thank you for posting it because I struggle with most of my M being a lie, but my life with my kids, parenting, joys and success are all mine and I am thankful for that. He cannot take that away from me.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8038   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8624858
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Trapped74 ( Member #49696) posted at 11:58 PM on Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

UGH!! Reading through some posts today... can you imagine if when women spoke (or wrote) we regularly said things like:

"I acted like a woman and did abc"

"We shook hands like women."

"Woman-up and do xyz."

WHYYYYY are men so... "manny?" Why is being a MAN such a thing? Why is there no correlation to "emasculation" for women (because we know we are more than our gonads???)?

(And I won't even get started on the "when did women become so aggressive in dating?" crap!!)

(Or the "man, don't let her see you cry, she'll think you're weak, bro" chorus.)

Sorry... needed to rant a bit, and this was the only place that I hope only other womenz will see. Am I the only one who gets annoyed by this?

(Hope I'm not breaking any rules here!!)

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8624906
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 12:20 AM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

Or the "man, don't let her see you cry, she'll think you're weak, bro" chorus.

Just bottle that shit up until it bursts out in some unhealthy way.

They have to be tough all the time, we’re supposed to be lady like and stay quiet. It all sucks.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8624913
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

Trapped - I feel you. I get pretty PO'd at the many men who insist on generalizing all WS as WW, and then pretty much all women as WW. Why not just say MY WW did xxx, or many WS are likely to do Y?

Male or female, we are all still unique individuals.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8624915
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 4:21 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

we’re supposed to be lady like and stay quiet.

Welp, I'm out then.

Cus fuck that!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8625043
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