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AboveAverage7913

You seem to come out as a logical person, so read this again:

HellFire:

if telling your wife's OM's wife causes any damage to your attempt at R. Then you never had a chance in the first place.

If it causes her to decide to divorce because you did the right thing, then she is more concerned with protecting the boyfriend,instead of her husband.

@Kaliber, @Hellfire, et al -

I hear you.

"I hear you".

Great.....now what are you going to do?????

Tell this poor woman ALREADY ALREADY!!!!

2 big reasons for telling:

Can you imagine if the OBS knew and didn't tell you?

I'm still pissed off at OBS for not telling me of the A when he learned of and accepted it.

if telling your wife's OM's wife causes any damage to your attempt at R. Then you never had a chance in the first place.

*****

You'll heal better if you give up trying to control the outcome.

You think you want R, but I suspect you want R with an illusion, not with your W as she really is.

Make healing your goal.

Make R a stretch goal, if you must, but you can't change your W - she controls who she is and what she does. Right now, she's not any sort of good candidate for R. Unless she changes, you can rug-sweep, but you can't R.

If any of you in the "tell the OBS" camp want to direct me to credible success stories, instead of calling hail mary plays from the bleachers, I'll keep reading.

That's all for me!

Good luck OP!

For what it is worth.

You can choose not to tell the OBS. Keeping your wife's and her lover's affair a secret only benefits them, not you.

You have to wait six weeks before she will be served. You will wait longer still if you choose to delay taking action now. Inaction like action has its own price.

You seem to find much of the actionable advice you have been given distasteful. Seems like you fear it will harm your reconciliation effort. What is your wayward wife doing to contribute to the reconciliation effort? All the heavy lifting is hers as she is the one that ended the marriage with her affair. If the answer is nothing or close to nothing she is biding her time and you are wasting your time.

Certainly you can choose to ignore all the advice you have been given. All those who have shared with you their knowledge, experience and recommendations have already paid their "price" and walked in your shoes. Whether you choose to act on what has been shared with you or ignore it, ultimately you will pay the price for taking action or choosing not to.

Good luck whatever you choose

You'll heal better if you give up trying to control the outcome.

You think you want R, but I suspect you want R with an illusion, not with your W as she really is.

Make healing your goal.

This is such great advice from Sisoon, so much so that when I think about posters who are very focused on R, as indicated by...

Won't push the WS too hard (resistance from WS and they ease up).

Won't tell the other BS because of blah, blah, blah.

Make more requests than requirements.

Focus on "collaboration" and "joint decisions."

Do not show the amount of anger that is dwelling inside.

Move too quickly to date nights, reconnecting, and rebuilding.

When I think of these BS, I think of the continued misery they come here to share.

"Haven't healed..."

"Think of it every day..."

"Don't really love her/him anymore..."

"Feel the marriage is a charade..."

"WS is happy, but why am I not?"

It's a horrible thing to see because you can tell that they are eating their hurt, anger, boundaries, dignity, and endless questions for breakfast, lunch, and dinner just so that they can stay M. The trade off steals your soul. Keep the M, lose yourself. I'm 100% with Sisoon--pursue getting what you need from yourself and others. You'll have a much more peaceful outcome whether R or D.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:43 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

Do not warn your wife in advance that you are exposing to the OBS.

Why? Because she will warn him and then he will attempt to discredit you as crazy/jealous/abusive husband.

I hope I’m not bumping an abandoned thread, I hope you return and take the great advice you have already received. Please notify the OBS, don’t be part of their cover up.

If you fear blowing up R then you never had anything to R with anyway.

I had a hard time finding one of the OBS but when I did I notified her, she was blind sided and brought on her Dday. I really felt for her, but didn’t give 2 shits about mine or her cheater. She was hurt, but was so grateful that I took the time to find her.

AboveAverage7913,

I completely cut the two people, that knew what was going on and did not tell me, out of my life for a cancer.

The conspired with my WGF to do the following:

Put my sexual health at risk. Put my mental health at far greater risk than had they told me. Let me continue a relationship that was a lie.

Please remember this. The are lies of commission...and there are lies of omission. Please, please, please - do not become guilty of the latter.

For one - as a LOT of others have already commented. How would you view someone who knew you wife was stepping out and did not tell you? What if it was even a friend? Could you forgive that now?

The other is this. Doesn't the other man's wife deserve to be in an honest relationship? Should SHE have to live a lie anymore? Shouldn't HE face consequences in his marriage the way your and your spouse are?

Up to you friend. Choose wisely friend. Choose wisely.

By not telling the OBS you are complicit in the ongoing emotional abuse that is infidelity.

I was unlucky in that the AP was a close friend. She simpered and lied to my face whilst our families spent time together. It added a whole other layer of abuse that I am still struggling to deal with. I honestly want to weep for the OBS who is living a lie, knowing something is wrong, and having her reality manipulated by your WW, the AP, and to a certain extent you. Have mercy and tell them. If it leads to D, then that marriage was never going to last. Please tell them and help them escape from infidelity.

Thanks all.

In the final debrief with the CT sans WW, the CT said continued couples work is contraindicated. WW isn’t close to dealing with her issues. May never be.

That tells me a lot about prospects for R (low), and attitudes for D / forward coparenting.

I fear that shock and awe / Scorched earth will calcify resentment and make any outcome worse for all - especially the kids.

I'm sorry to hear that she's not making progress.

Generally the more information you share the more useful our feedback.

1 - What specifically is the therapist's conclusion based on?

2 - What specifically will shock & awe trigger that is a threat to your children?

Telling the OBS is NOT "shock and awe"!!!!

Tell the OBS!!!

But, but, but ...

you W's resentment is already here. The longer you keep yourself from dealing with it effectively, the longer you'll build up your own resentment, and that is awful for your kids.

Frankly, I don't see infidelity as high on the abuse scale. We're adults, we know being cheated on is a possibility, and we know how to heal. Abusive? Yes. Abuse? Not so much.

But keeping kids in an awful environment, in which they KNOW something is wrong between their parents? Kids don't know how to deal with that.

We BSes heal in 2-5 years. Kids take a HELL OF A LOT LONGER to heal from living with parents who resent each other.

*****

I suggest memorizing the following:

STOP thinking about your W.

STOP letting your fears about what she will do control your actions.

Start taking responsibility for yourself and what you do.

Start taking control of your life.

Start thinking about what you want, what's achievable, and what you will do to get the best out life that you can.

Here's the thing: If you know what you want and know what your boundaries are, you can negotiate with your W without shock and awe.

You tell her what you expect from her to get R on the table, and if she won't agree, impose the consequences.

*****

Our GS is a product of D, after some years of terrible tension at home.

My heart is broken over how he now behaves - he expresses self-hatred, he's aggressive at school, etc. If my son and XDIL had had their their heads on, they would have D'ed years earlier, and our GS would almost definitely be in much better shape.

You're faced with a choice between stifling yourself and D. Stifling yourself is almost definitely the wrong choice. And blaming your choice on your kids is probably way beyond wrong.

BTW, XDIL was a pretty bad mom when married. Stuff I've heard indicate she's better now - still not great, but better.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:49 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]

We BSes heal in 2-5 years. Kids take a HELL OF A LOT longer to heal from living with parents who resent each other ... and they grow up to create dysfunctional grandchildren.

Omg sisoon. That just hit me like a brick wall...

Just read the first page. My initial thought was BPD and then I saw you mentioned it further down the page. She has the childhood background for it and displays a lot of the behaviors.

Really tough to live with this type.

It is quite puzzling how telling the OBS is framed as scorched earth in your mind. Could you help us understand better? Are you in fear of your wife or something she could do to the kids?

I am glad your CT was so candid. They rarely are. Sounds like this is pretty blunt news and you need to move forward with your own life for your own sake.

Again it does sound like you are dealing with a BPD and staying married to that kind of person only leads to decades of wasted life and heartache.

I fear

Yup

AA,

You can’t let the OMW just dangle like that. Please do the right thing.