SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At what price is peace and happiness?

Fearful of bankruptcy, further damage to the kids, etc etc.

This is also a fresh start. This is sometimes necessary to get back on your feet, and protect certain assets. Change is scary but look at what you and the kids are going through right now. Take control of you and your kids lives, It’s time to get the ducks lined up and make your move.

Best Wishes

As far as WW goes, she is all mixed messages: "you're my best friend, I've always loved you, I never stopped loving you, I can't imagine a future without you

I don’t actually think these are mixed messages. One thing I had to do with my WW was to really start listening to her:

“You’re my best friend” - translation: I don’t view you as my lover.

“I’ve always loved you, I’ve never stopped loving you” - this is just a slightly more refined version of the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. It’s bullshit but they think it’s true. The real irony is it WILL become true for you the BS. You actually will reach a place where you love your wife as the mother of your children, but you will find yourself very much out of love with her as she continues to lie and compound your pain.

“I can’t imagine a future without you” - translation: you’re my security blanket that enables me to carry out my proclivities and fantasies with someone else. Please continue to support me.

Once you get more adept at listening to what your wife is really saying, you will find it easier and easier to detach.

Some unfaithful partners don't want to leave but want the package of home, children and security, rather than a relationship with their spouse. (it's a bitter pill, but this seems to fit despite what WW says)

Hate to admit it, but I feel like I'm in a cartoon about failed marriages.

I am glad you are getting clarity for going forward with D. If you’re like me, talking to an attorney provided a sense of relief and direction. Really listen to yourself here because you are own best guide.

I want to offer some perspective on the above sentiment you expressed: we all feel this way at one time or another — but it’s much less likely that you’re not a “good fit” for your WW and that you don’t measure up for her.

It’s FAR more likely that she’s not a good fit for anyone, unsafe at any speed and unable to make a safe and suitable life partner for any man, ever. She’s kinda more like if the party girl in “Gloria” tried to settle down and then had all those voices calling “Gloria” catch up with her years later

She’s unable to commit to a normal loving marriage — and you just happened to be the one caught in the crosshairs. It could have been any man, really.

That is much more likely the case.

And it is MUCH more likely that you’re a stable, loving man who will be surprised at the quality of women out there who aren’t your wife who will see you in a truthful and loving light and who will very much want to be with you.

It seems like it is slowly dawning on you how very unspecial your WW is. If you haven’t already, you’re going to find yourself increasingly repulsed by her — and you will see many attractive women come into your field of view.

Keep your ethics intact during this time.

Get clear of this shit show and this crazymaking toxic personality and your perspective will improve.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:40 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

If she truly 'hates' you, then you should consider exposing her to the OBS and blow up her false world (and provide no place for her to hide).

Don't fall into the trap of believing that some 'failing' of yours as a spouse contributed to her decision to cheat.

IMO your personality characteristics and life style choices were irrelevant to her decision to have an affair. She had other options but instead she choose to have sex with a married man she knew for a few weeks whose kids played with her kids.

Sooner or later she would have self destructed her marriage regardless of who she married.

Among other things, wayward thinking includes a determined effort (including lying to oneself) to justify an affair.

She would find a reason to resent you or any other man (whatever twisted lies/distortion it took to justify and entitle herself to an affair).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:45 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

It's been an eventful month.

Today is DD2.

In recent days, WW met someone online and is planning to meet for sex.

I think I'll finally have funds lined up for the atty retainer next week and will proceed to D.

Here's the thing: I'm 99% certain WW is BPD and is doing this for validation. Anyone here have experience with this particular breed of crazy? Confrontation generally isn't productive.

In the meantime, it's shaping up to be a fitting finale for 2020. I'm studying protective custody and restraining orders...

I know it sounds easy ready from a page but your doing the right thing.... stay steady for you nad the kids..... use a VAR if needed when i talks with WW

Good luck to you

@thumus nailed it

The real irony is it WILL become true for you the BS. You actually will reach a place where you love your wife as the mother of your children, but you will find yourself very much out of love with her a

11 months in from Dday this is where I am. Just trying to understand if this is POLF or end of the road.

OP - based on your last update your WS has made your decision very easy for you. You are not the first person to be staring in disbelief as you observe the alien taking over your wife’s body. It’s horrible to watch and if you’re anything like me don’t know your arse from your elbow. I wish you strength brother.

Sooner or later she would have self destructed her marriage regardless of who she married.

This ^^^^^^

You were not not to blame, this is all on her. She was going to do this whether it was to you or anyone else. I’ve come to realise this myself, my MIL had her affair, SiL had her affair, and now my WGF has had her affair. All at exactly the same age (not joking) I was powerless to stop it. Funny in every single case the BS was the “reason”

Not true - self entitlement, FOMO, grass is greener, and hitting a certain age we’re the reasons and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Also funny when my SIL found out she actually had a WTF were you thinking conversation with my WGF because she knew and has always known I’m a catch, she simply couldn’t understand it because it wasn’t like her situation where her BS was definitely the cause :) and that is still her opinion 5 years later.

You are not to blame. You are the prize.

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 8:58 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]

My xW was and still is a serial cheater. All through out our 10 years of being married I did everything I could to help her and get her into counseling. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she as well was BP. I stayed and offered her an easy out each time she cheated. I offered to split all the money and help her get into a place. I did everything I could to get her to see she clearly wasn't happy in our marriage to cheat as much as she did. I firmly believe when someone shows you who they are believe them. Don't look for reasons to help them or write off there behavior. Just believe them and get away from them as soon as possible.

All I did by staying with her is make my life miserable and ruin my children's childhood. Its been 13 years since our divorce and I still regret daily that I didn't leave her sooner.

Get away from her and take care of yourself. You deserve better.

It's been an eventful month.

You sound much more clear, resolved and strong in your update here and in your posts elsewhere.

DDAY 2 has to be the clincher for you that this is really it for you. This is really who she is.

I'm sorry, but on the other hand I'm not sorry. Because now you won't waste anymore of your life trying to figure her out or in some kind of false reconciliation/limbo hell with her.

So what do with a BPD? That I don't know. Outta my league. I will say it seems your best option to me is moving for primary/sole custody of your children and getting them away from her as much as possible.

Your attorney will have a much more clear eye about where to go from here.

She sounds really unstable.

Don't back down. You need to get out for your own sake and sanity.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:24 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]

AA, you have done well with your pragmatic approach. Yeah, it's a terrible ride for a while for all included. But it does get better. Better for you and the kids. Just stay the path. It'll be a gut wrenching rollercoaster, but just focus at the light at the end. Stay prepared for the worst.

Be strong. Be healthy.

Confrontation generally isn't productive.

One of the big advantages of divorce is that it only requires that one of the partners want it. If you are determined to divorce, then her reaction isn’t really the big issue so there really isn’t much need for a “productive” confrontation. All that a confrontation has to do is let her know you are aware of her affair(s) and that she’s heading towards another affair.

That you want to divorce, plan on divorcing and/or how the divorce will be… That’s just details. Not necessary for the confrontation.

The outcome of a divorce is more-or-less controlled by the laws of your state. You can both huff and puff but nearly all deviance from what the law outlines is based on compromise and concession. So, her response isn’t really too important either. All it can do is change the pace.

You ask about BPD. Nobody here – YOU included – can diagnose her as BDP. She might be, she might not be. If you are divorcing then it’s not really an issue. Her need for validation is not necessarily an indicator for BPD. IMHO all affairs are about validation, and although all affairs are totally illogical then not all wayward people are insane or stupid. They simply do dumb stuff.

I do not see any advantage for you in any way or form to let her meet the new OM for sex as if you didn’t know. If you are determined to file then letting her know that you know of her intentions will not in any significant way disturb your plans. What that might do however is prevent her from meeting the OM and thereby saving you some pain. I strongly suggest you simply tell her now:

“Wife. I know of your plans to meet OM for sex. This is just one more confirmation that this marriage is not salvageable. I don’t share my wife but feel free to do whatever you want, see OM, date OM, stay over with OM. But not as my wife. I am starting whatever is needed to terminate this marriage, both emotionally and legally”

And that’s it.

Friend – I think that all through your path you have been rather passive. I think you fall into a trap way too many betrayed people fall into: You are afraid of confrontation, so you delay it on the pretext that you are preparing something else. In your case you claim you want to divorce and that is fine – that is definitely a good path out of infidelity. Yet you have spent time interviewing over a dozen attorneys, you delay, you use all reasons to “line up your ducks”. At the same time, you have excuses for not telling OMW… I see signs of being afraid of confrontation… There will never be ANY resolve – ANY change – ANY improvement until you confront. It’s inevitable and getting it over is for your best.

Great advice from Bigger. No more passivity. No more eggshells. No more rugsweeping.

Live not by lies.

It’s clear you feel she harbors a number of traits in the BPD cluster, that she’s on SSRI medications and that she has subjected you to a lot of high conflict situations and crazymaking drama — not just with her two recent serial cheating episodes but over the course of your marriage.

We can’t diagnose her. We’re not professionals.

But it’s obvious she’s very disordered and continually exposing you and your kids to her deep dysfunction.

She had sex with first AP multiple times including in your home, the hearth of your family. Then she kept rubbing your face in it.

Now she’s seeking out another man. Take Bigger’s advice please.

You can’t fix any of this, but what you can do is get yourself and your kids away from this.

I’m glad you are getting strong and praying for your little family.

Stay strong.

I agree with the posters who recommend confronting her, and I would tell her that if she does meet the OM, she needs to quarantine her ass out of your home for two weeks. What a shit and selfish move to be exposed to a total stranger thereby putting you and your children at risk for COVID.

Please please please keep copies, and proof that she is unstable, and not the best full time mom- even though she doesn't work, due to her own choices. BPD or not, she is making choices, threats, and actions that are extremely unhealthy for her kids to be exposed to.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Sounds so similar to MY situation 7 yrs ago. My (now exh) behaved just like your WW is behaving. In my situation, after my ex attempted suicide in the house with the kids, I fled. I found a tiny 2 bedroom apartment for myself and the kids. I lived on the couch for 3.5yrs until I got myself in a better financial situation.

There are no easy answers. Just big hugs. Protect your children from their mother's antics. They only have you.

Bigger, Thumos, Tush, Lala, Twice... thank you.

There is a contradiction between "confront" and "document, document, document..." I've been firmly in the latter category because I need to a) establish a strong case for custody, and b) I'm dealing with someone with mental health issues.

Quarantine? We have free drive through testing with results in ~ 24 hours. I don't see how to enforce keeping her out of the house, legally, without some type of event that precipitates a call to 911, etc.

Part of my planning is to have a legit safety plan, if it comes to that. I'm working on getting certain items and documents out of the house, and beginning to expose friends and family to the idea that not all is perfect and I may need support.

Much earlier in this thread there was the Patton quote about a good plan vs. perfect plan - I'll settle for good, but because I'm dealing with another layer of crazy, a higher level of good is required.

Although this feels like a personal low point, I've had ~ 4 months since DD1 to begin to wrap my head around this.

In the meantime, the new Dr Phil icon on the left reminded me of a Thanksgiving (dad) joke that's perfect for SI:

Why can't Pilgrims keep their pants on?

Because they wear their belts on their hats...

Hope Thanksgiving went well and hope things are going better for you.

@Thumos.

Thanks for checking in.

We got through Thanksgiving without an explosion.

Planning to speak with my atty tomorrow or Friday to start planning next steps.