SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Robert...

1 - What specifically is the therapist's conclusion based on?

Suicide threat during CT session, would not return to the tele session, went to the hospital.

2 - What specifically will shock & awe trigger that is a threat to your children?

Suicide and/or highly escalated open conflict and related trauma.

@Sisson

Thank you - that post was golden.

Weekend/Monday update...

WW failed to honor boundaries, proposed a halloween party at our house - to include AP and family, and then objected when I proposed alternatives, and then exploded when I put my foot down.

In the process, she got physical and pushed/shoved/kicked me - within earshot of our kids. I warned her that I would call 911, to which she responded "I will call first" and left me no choice. So we got a second visit in less than two weeks.

The upside is that this event brought the affair to light with the rest of her family, who are incredibly smart and supportive people.

The downside is that she has completely deflected all responsibility and is now furious with me "for attempting to get her arrested".

She did, however, agree not to host the party (and AP) at our house.

For those of who continue to call for immediate action re: OBS...

It's increasingly clear that WW is BPD or at least o that spectrum. I don't have a place to go, and I don't want to leave her alone with the kids. If I make that call, I am essentially declaring a divorce - without the benefit of serving papers - and with a highly volatile individual who I must continue to cohabitate with for a year? And who I must coparent with indefinitely.

Hence, lining ducks.

There is a lot of good advice here, but everyone's situation is unique. I've got three kids in here who already have enough exposure. Maybe I'm naive to think that a better solution will emerge in time, but I'm not going to ready, fire, aim on this.

So if you live in a small town as you say, now the OBS is bound to find out without you and then she’ll know you sat on it.

Just sayin’

Sorry you are in this situation. It’s going nowhere good fast.

You need to have a var on you at all times. This woman is going to try to have you arrested for domestic violence.

At this point its clear that she loves keeping herself around the OM. Most likely the affair never ended. She got violent with you because you told her that he boyfriend wasn't allowed into the house(again). Why wasn't she arrested? She was violent with you, the cops were there. Why didn't they arrest her?

Its also clear you won't tell his wife. Thats OK. You have been warned of the possible consequences of that. Most especially that you will have zero right to ask her to keep it quiet,and not blast it all over your small town. She will have been betrayed by all of you,and will owe you nothing.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:06 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

When you file, you can work with your attorney to get moved out. It won't be viewed as abandoning the kids b/c you have already filed. I think most people get this point wrong. Its not always the case, but the majority of the time, if you're working thru an attorney and have filed for D, you can effectively move out of the marital home without it being viewed as abandoning the children. This is b/c when you're working with the attorney at the time of filing, you get temporary orders in place for both financial and custody reasons.

Your WW is toxic and if she is BPD, why in the world would you want to stick around. Clearly she still wants to interact with her lover boy, and each time you try to prevent her from doing so, she is going to get in a very manic state and rage at you. You don't need to have the cops called anymore.

Best case for you would be to work on moving out of the home. I don't see how you can do IHS with a toxic BPD WW who physically attacks you and threatens to call the cops on you. I'm sure your attorney would also agree. Than, you can have a safe space for you and the kids. Your BPD WW is likely to get worst, and manic, and you'll probably end up with more custody of your children.

In the process, she got physical and pushed/shoved/kicked me - within earshot of our kids. I warned her that I would call 911, to which she responded "I will call first" and left me no choice. So we got a second visit in less than two weeks.

I think you need to buy a couple of VARs (voice-activated recorders) and keep one on your person at all times. It's a pain in the ass, but you NEED to always have proof that you didn't start anything. Eventually, she'll pull some shit like the above again, and when she does, you dial 911 again. Same thing with suicide threats. Have her hauled off on a 72-hour hold each and every time. Keep your attorney informed. S/he will know when to file so that you can get full custody and supervised visitation for the WW. She sounds unhinged, so naturally, she's going to build your case for you. All you have to do is document EVERYTHING and protect yourself in the interim.

Regarding exposure to the OBS... I'm still FOR it. I think you'd get some spectacular fireworks for your documentation out of it. But I'm also thinking you don't want your fingerprints anywhere near it. The last thing you need is a judge thinking you pushed her into these kind of confrontations.

VAR, VAR, VAR

Also in what possible universe does a wayward spouse of any stripe think it is acceptable to line up a Halloween drink fest in the wake of you being betrayed and finding out? Even without the f-buddy and his wife there?

holy moly.

Hence, lining ducks.

The phrase "getting my ducks in a row" is used to describe the process of organizing various details in preparation for taking some action. You know in advance that the planned action will require a series of steps, so you prepare your affairs to streamline those steps.

You say you are "lining ducks". What are you lining ducks to do, exactly? Stay married to a narcissistic, physically abusive, possibly bipolar lunatic who can't control her temper? Leave her?

She was planning a fucking party with the AP, at your house. Meaning she is most likely not NC with the AP. And your response was ... to "propose alternatives"? For God's sake, man.

Look, you've painted yourself into a corner in terms of your lifestyle. Your socioeconomic position in your small town is a facade, a Potemkin Village. Do you want to remain in that corner, slowly dying of dehydration and/or hunger? Because, from where I sit, the "ducks" you are "lining up" all point to that as the sole possible outcome for you.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:28 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

I've got three kids in here who already have enough exposure. Maybe I'm naive to think that a better solution will emerge in time

In the meantime your kids are most certainly being exposed daily to the vicissitudes of quotidian life with a toxic crazy making BPD mother. As long as we’re talking about exposure here.

you need to tell the OMW.

if the OMW knew she would not allow her WH to attend any

thing where your WW will be let alone a party that she is

hosting.

OldTruck's post is THE ONE most likely outcome of telling the OBS.

You don't need to have the cops called anymore.

Something else to think about. If this keeps happening, it doesn't matter who started what with whom. Your kids are in danger and you're in danger of CPS taking them out of the home.

I strongly suggest that you reach out to resources that can help you and the kids get out or have her removed from the home.

This is fucking sick and insane and your kids have to suffer. That in and of itself would have my ass moving heaven and earth to change their living situation.

AboveAverage,

Why are you tolerating her continued disrespect of you? The mere suggestion of having the AP and his family to your home (again! After they already used YOUR home to have sex in) is absolutely outrageous.

Yes. OUTRAGEOUS!

Clearly she’s not working with a full deck. Tell that other BS. You owe her that much.

Listen, I speak from experience here. My husband and his AP got busted by her OBS 6 months into their 2 year long affair. Nobody told ME and I had every damn right to know that my marriage was a farce and my husband was risking my health and well being on each and every side road rendezvous they had. I would never have wasted all of that time by staying married to him had I been given the option to get myself out of infidelity. And I would have blown that shit up so bad that my H’s fantasy land would have been completely nuked Early on. But instead, me being the ever trusting and faithful wife, they kept that shit up for another year and a half because her H kicked her out so she was free to screw whoever she wanted. The OBS in my situation was also told by his attorney to have nothing to do with me, including disclosing the A to me. Why? Who knows....but it’s a dick move, was selfish on his part, and as far as I’m concerned, he was their co conspirator. Basically, I wouldn’t piss on his head if his brains were on fire. Dead to me.

In my opinion, you’re part of the problem here if you’re willing to keep this secret for two low life cheaters. You’re better than those two, aren’t you? Then act like it and do the right thing. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

This is so sad to read. How could you not blow your lid when your WW wanting to invite AP to your house for a party? This is why veterans here are telling you to inform the OBS. WW wouldn't dare to bring that shit up should OBS is in the know.

Good luck. But if the dynamics don't change, you will probably stuck in limbo forever.

I don’t normally get speechless. But how in the world did your wife spin inviting her fuck buddy into your home? Surely there was more to this. What rationalizations did she try to sell you on?

Or is she criminally insane? Barking mad? Cookoo for Cocoa Puffs? Or may I say, just evil?

To quote Woody Allen, “what’s Spanish for straight jacket?”

Or any other language or dialect? Cuz your wife needs one now. Along with men in white coats putting a butterfly net over her, and taking her to a place with flowers and chirping birds. And enough sedative to knock down a rhino.

So far youv’ve pushed-back in fairly minor ways and your wife has escalated to hospitalization and the cops.

It is my opinion that if you look hard you may realize that you’ve been managing her moods and entitlement for a hell of a lot longer than your recent attempts to line up ducks.

Just the mere idea that she stop inflicting the facade of friendship on a women who has no idea the damage that has been done to her relationship results in 911? Yikes.

I hope that you do continue to get help from professionals. Whether or not you can heal the marriage, you can heal you. Codependency is something you may want to look into or read up on.

You may be feeling slammed, but at the end of the day most posters want to help you navigate some of the pitfalls we ourselves made or have seen made over and over again.

At the end of the day it’s your choice to inform the BS or not. You want to protect your kids, I get that. So does the other BS. There are no guarantees but she hardly wants to expose her children to situations you are afraid of.

We all deserve agency over our own lives. Due to no fault of your own you are now party to taking away another’s persons right to choose the direction of their own life. Don’t hide from that fact. You are now part of the conspiracy of silence.

I also wanted to point out that The damage has been done. She just doesn’t know. Truth doesn’t blow up the marriage the affair already did that. If you truly feel like in this small town you can’t be the party who informs, the BS, don’t allow her to continue to be victimized by your WW.

You’ve been through a the wringer. The best advice I can give you now is to take some time to evaluate if you are making decisions based on reasoning or reasoning you way to the decisions you want to make. Infidelity is a life crusher.

Keep posting and taking a day, hour or minute at a time.

AboveAverage - telling the OMW will forever stop crazy shenanigans like your wife inviting over her AP and wife for a nice little party.

She may just keep shitting on everything until the day comes you've had enough for you and your kids.

I appreciate you've been thrown in the deep end here, are the only adult in this crazy drama of your family life. Stay safe and you need to look out for you and your kids. Your wife sounds like she's on Planet 9 right now.

Let me explain the wife’s behavior and attempt to have a party w/the OM attending.

CHeaters get this thought process where they convince themselves “they deserve to be happy “. No matter what.

So the escalating behavior kicks in b/c of entitlement and selfishness. My H convinced me to take time off work so we could spend time together after his affair bombshell. I saw it exactly for what it was - an audition to compare me to the OW. Whose funnier or better or who is he having more fun with???

Then he thinks we should all be friends. I declined. I could see where this was going. He didn’t want to lose her but wasn’t sure he wanted a D.

Looking back now he’s horrified at what he did. But during the Affair his ego and arrogant behavior was at an all time high.

So the disrespect for the spouse and the “support” from the AP and friends supporting the Affair collide to completely cloud the cheater’s judgement.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:35 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

You said previously that you are "sickened by the idea of D and shattered by what's happened".

You also said that "AP is a player and has done this before".

You also said that "OBS was all over AP CC statement and phone activity".

This poor woman KNOWS something is going on, you have critical info that she deserves to know, and yet you make excuse after excuse to not tell her.

Your wife has also threatened suicide and has had to go to the hospital for a "psych eval".

Your wife is flat out crazy.

She's got you like a deer in the headlights.

Has the thought crossed your mind that this suicidal woman may harm your kids? This OBS? This OBS children? Or you?

Don't think the possibility of this is crazy as it happens all the freaking time.

After being exposed she still thought it was ok to have AP and OBS and their family over to your home and when that was shot down she threatened you and VIOLENTLY attacked you?

This woman needs to be admitted to a psych ward as she's not just a threat to herself but to you, your family, and AP's family.

She's holding "suicide" over your head and it's working as it's frozen you in your tracks.

Are you really telling us that your marriage is based on the OMW not knowing?

THAT is the future you are building?

Not going to work.

Where where your children when all this was happening?

You're deluding yourself if you don't think the older ones have at least some idea of what's going on in their home!