And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, and given half the chance would I take any of it back. It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone.
It's always darkest before the dawn
Year 2 and at a dead end
We're heading into our third affair season, and I'm very down. I think R is going to fail. Year 1 was a colossal car crash. Year 2, and I thought things were getting better. There were setbacks, but fwh was improving. He shows up in a way he never has. He's getting counselling. In many ways our 'marriage' is better. The dead end is that he still isn't addressing his SA.
For a while I did the heavy lifting for him. Last summer I felt burnt out and stopped. I told him I wasn't responsible for the work anymore, and I left him to it. Unsurprisingly, things have drifted. The monthly one to one's have happened maybe three times since then. I've kept working on myself, and on fixing some of my issues around sex. Without any corresponding work from him, I've given up. We've stopped having sex. I wasn't asking for the moon on stick. We can't afford expensive therapy. I know for a fact that there are plenty of free resources for him to use. There are online groups he can join. He's done nothing.
Yesterday he came to me and talked about his struggles in taking the next step of actually addressing the SA. He said he was worried about scaring me by talking about his struggles with addiction. I felt anger and resentment, not fear. I told him that I had emotionally disengaged from it, because I'd come to accept that there was nothing I could do. It took a lot of self restraint not to start screaming.
Later on he asked if he had frightened me, and I decided to be honest. Last few months I've stopped being vulnerable with him. I got tired of coming away from conversations feeling disappointed. I told him I'd given up. I don't see the relationship going any further. I don't think he's capable of doing the work. From here, all paths lead to eventual relapse. I don't want to give up. I wanted R to work, but I'm starting to emotionally disengage from the relationship and him. I'm desperately sad. I hoped I would be worth the work. I didn't tell him any of this to scare him into doing it. I don't think he will. I am tired of putting a brave face on and pretending everything is okay. I have no one else to talk to. The A took all my friends, and my family don't know the whole truth.
I'm done. I don't want to be in a relationship waiting for the inevitable. I can't hand hold him through this. Right now, with lockdown and finances there is nowhere for me to go. I'll stay and smile until there's another option. I wish it hadn't come to this. Yesterday I read a quote somewhere about not being able to love someone you look down on. I am looking down on him for not doing the work. I do feel contempt for him. I can't believe this is where it ends.
7 comments posted: Friday, November 6th, 2020