SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been reading a lot of posts lately and I wanted to touch on something that several have come adjacent to, but I didn't want to thread-jack.

I am ashamed that I am in my marriage. I don't post pictures of me and WH anywhere, I would be horrified if someone who "knew the truth" saw it. Others have spoken about rubbing the OW's nose in their relationship. That would be the last thing I would ever want to do. I picture her seeing us and saying, "fraud".

And that's how I feel. A fraud. That we aren't a real marriage anymore. Our covenant is broken. We are two people together, but not able to live as one.

As a card-carrying member of GenX, one of the worst insults that could be levied back in the day was "poser" yet I realize that's how I feel.

Am I alone? Do others feel this way? How (Can?) you move through this?

This resonates heavily! I used to be so proud of our M. When people learned that I had 5 kids, they inevitably would ask if they all had the same father But, I was proud to say that yes, they did! I was proud to say that my WH was so many things, but, at least he wasn't out at bars, he was home, and if I really needed him, he was there. (I missed so many things in my M that I now know were abusive)

But staying? Yeah, so much shame! I was getting my hair cut once and the girl doing it was talking about wanting to marry her girlfriend but was taking it slow because she wanted to make sure it was going to be forever, because she believed in those vows, and that there was only ONE thing that she would leave over...infidelity...and there I sat, smiling at this young woman, shame filling my body because I felt she was right. Infidelity is ALWAYS a dealbreaker, but here I was...still married to WH. I was speechless!

I don't talk about my M to anyone anymore. I don't mention him at all, except in therapy of course

I know it isn't my shame, but I still carry it. My family knows what he did, but his doesn't and we are going to visit this May. I'm not sure how it's going to go because I do feel that we will be presenting a fraudulent front. I know people who have not gone through this would judge me. And there are some days that I wish I HAD just walked away and never looked back. I'm not even sure our future is brighter with this hanging over us forever. I know he feels shame, but there are moments when I want my pound of flesh, and I know I'll never get it. So, I carry that shame on my own back.

I guess this isn't helpful since I am still in the same situation. Hopefully others will have better answers for you.

Full disclosure: I chose D in the end, so not a R story.

We all want to have some level of pride in the partner we choose, as it is a reflection of who wecarexto some degree. Funny thing, after i left my WW, people started to confess that they didnt like her much or she was difficult to spend time with.

After Dday#2, when I found out the true nature of my marriage, I was very angry. After a couple weeks, I foated the idea of R, but I did not have the wisdom of this site quite yet. So naturally, I did things wrong.

Once I found this community, I took the advice of waiting 6 months before deciding. That has cost me over 100k in loses, but that's life. I tried to reconnect with my WW during that time, but it was futile. People were telling me to fake it till I make it, so I faked it. Everything about her disgusted me, and I found myself contemptuous towards her.

Looking back, what is key to me now is that I edited her out of my life in real-time. I no longer spoke of past events using the collective "us" but rather "me" or "the kids and I". I no longer saw her the same way and knew I never would again. And like you, I was embarrassed to be seen in public with her, even though I tried to reconnect. I didn't hold her hand, didn't look at her, and made sure there was distance between us physically. I guess my lizard brain just refused to allow reconnection with an undafe partner. Some can R, I'm just not one of them. The book "Cheating in a Nutshell" was instrumental in summing up what was going on inside me. I read it long after I filed, but it validated many of the feelings I had. It also alleviated the guilt I had in failing to R. I thought that there was something wrong with me.

My EXWW's conduct during her A (and after) was particularly egregious, so I don’t think there was any real hope for us. Had she not been so callous and purposefully humiliating towards me, and been a quality human being at her core, we might have stood a chance, but that was not to be.

You've been through a long period of TT and significant trauma. Your latest revelation has been recent, but you have a long history given your signature. Do you envision things getting better? Have they always be this way post Dday #1 or have they changed? Are you sticking it out because you want to or it can be good again, or for another reason? Does your WH know how you really feel about him? Could your feelings of shame be covering a feeling of anger or contempt towards him?

Hoping you find your way.

Yes, this resonates for me as well. Just yesterday I said to my WH that I feel like our relationship since DD is just a fake marriage for show. We're just pretending to still be married even though our marriage is in fact over as we know it. Pretending for everyone else, but most of all for ourselves. And I feel shame for staying in a 'pretend marriage'.

For me this has a few roots, firstly, one of the big one's being that during his entire affair he still pretended to be happily married to me. Came home efter being with AP, made love to me, told me he loved me and only wanted me, was happy with me, denied my accusations something was off etc.
And now, he's pretty much the same guy, he was then as he's always been, and still is now. Uses the same words, does the same actions. So how do I tell fake from real apart? Also I am plagued by thoughts that it may have happened before in our 20+ year relationship and I just haven't caught him before this time. How would I know he hasn't been faking all these years and has had multiple As? I haven't found any solid evidence of it but on the other hand, I never went looking like I did this time around. Maybe it's all been fake all these years is my thought?
Secondly, like you I feel shame for staying. I used to be so proud of us, of our M. Now I'm not anymore and I feel like every time anyone comments we are so good together like I want to scream the truth at them. This is I believe connected to my always having thought I would D if there was ever any infidelity, and like so many others, once it happened I to my own surprise, and shame, stayed. And I am not completely ok with that yet. So I feel like I'm staying in a sham marriage. So like you, I feel like a fraud.
Every year on our anniversary for years and years I used to post loving posts with pics of his through the years. No more since DD. It feels too fake I just can not do it. I feel like lots of people probably know, knew before me and perhaps they know he's always been a serial cheater and I am the sucker wife who is oblivious? Perhaps he's cheated with multiple CW during the years and they are all thinking what an utter sucker I am for staying with him? I hate these feelings.

I used to be so proud of our M.

during his entire affair he still pretended to be happily married to me.

And now, he's pretty much the same guy, he was then as he's always been, and still is now. Uses the same words, does the same actions. So how do I tell fake from real apart?

Thanks! So many comments resonated with me, but I truly identified with the statements above. WH's affair was all on his phone. I had no idea. I was happily married until the rug was pulled out from under me.

I was literally planning to stand on the side of the road holding a sign while WH ran a marathon that read, "World's Proudest Wife" and would have done so if D-Day had been just a little bit later.

I am proud of the wife I have been. I kept my vows and honored my marriage. I can’t control him nor shall I ever take on the shame for his sins. I can also take pride in doing what was right for me regardless of any judgment for not leaving. So when someone says "congratulations on a long marriage" I simply thank them and let them know it’s a never ending story of love, heartbreak, and forgiveness which I suspect is true in marriages without infidelity. I guess I just don’t see my marriage as a sham. It was real to me. He acted like an asshole for a longtime , but there is a lot more to my marriage now and at the time then fidelity.

In the first 18 mos after day I felt like you. However I saw consistent work and change in my H and myself.
2 years out we were much healthier and happier. That pride started to come back.
It's been a long time for me with many years passing kids grown and flown, becoming grands and having successful careers.
F yah I am proud. We faced the toughest challenge an M can go through. We did the work and came out the other side.
He makes me laugh every day. He loves me. We are a great team.

Am I alone? Do others feel this way? How (Can?) you move through this?

Not alone at all.

Anybody who had ever felt proud of their marriage will most likely now feel shame. If you base any measure of Who You Are on your spouse, then you just got told you are not so much. Even if they didn’t do it explicitly, the not-caring is bad enough on its own. You were writing a narrative, and it’s turned sour.

But knowing it works this way also offers the path out. Stop writing the narrative. Don’t base who you are on who they are. Don’t take pride in the marriage just take pride in your own actions. Those are the only things that you can control.

I stopped wearing my wedding ring on DD and have never put it on my finger since - 12 years ago, it was meaningless and the one public protest I made was that. He wears his but I refuse to wear an outward symbol of love and fidelity on my hand for all to see.I am still ashamed I stayed. I don't talk about him anymore to anyone and boy did I used to boast about him - his integrity, his loyalty - wow!

SadieMae. Your post really hit me. I feel the same. I’m trying to figure out my reality. What my life is. I really think i will always have a bit of skepticism concerning marriage now. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from the heartbreak… i am learning to live with the knowledge of my reality which is something very different than what I thought. I would like to think that this hasn’t hardened me… but it has. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have very limited social media accounts… I don’t miss them. I find they are very fake and shallow anyway. Mostly self serving.

And that's how I feel. A fraud. That we aren't a real marriage anymore. Our covenant is broken. We are two people together, but not able to live as one.

You are far from alone in feeling this way. I carry deep shame in the fact that I feel I have betrayed myself. Cheating was always an instantaneous end to any relationship I was in. Period. I used to say as I'd mend my broken heart that I couldn't even imagine the pain that being cheated on in a marriage would feel like and that I wouldn't be able to take it. The pain did indeed eclipse any other I had ever felt from betrayal.

Some of my support system felt I should dump him immediately. Some felt if the marriage could be saved I should try. As for me I had been discarded and ignored to the point I'd refer to myself as the invisible wife so it became important to me to become very present after DDay. To socialize, to become seen on FB with him so his page would no longer look like he was a single dad. Looking back I see it for what it was, desperation. Same for the hysterical bonding that went on. It was a desperate act of trying to reconnect with my WH which I look back on with great shame. It's humiliating and degrading in my eyes now, and I see it as having had the AP's sloppy seconds.

Finances were and are the reason I am with him. Is there a marriage? On paper sure, other than that no. Not even close. I'd settle for a roommate type situation but don't even hold him in that high a regard. He means nothing to me and I feel like an utter failure. Not for the destruction of our marriage, that's totally on him. I have failed myself, feel like my "kids" now both grown were actually disappointed I didn't kick him to the curb, and I know that certain friends just could never wrap their heads around how I could be with him. I cannot tell you how many times I have mentally gone back to Dday, the time following, and play out the scenario I wish had happened in my head.

At first I wore my rings, then it was only in social situations, and now I can't remember when I last wore them. They are laying somewhere in a dresser drawer and what once represented something important to me they now mean nothing.

Others have spoken about rubbing the OW's nose in their relationship.

Nope but I sure would love to rub her nose in something else.

I am definitely working with dealing with shame of staying. I don’t regret it at this point, but it does eat at me. I always thought I had a more traditional marriage, I was the provider and she was the SAHM, both something we agreed on and she was absolutely enthusiastic about it. I worked very hard to not only provide, but to help wherever I could. I read so many stories of marriages falling apart because the husband felt he didn’t have to help around the house and I made sure that would not be our story. Dishes, laundry, household chores, any time she needed me to pick up slack because she wasn’t feeling well or had an awful day with the kids, I happily stepped in. Countless times I came home from work exhausted where I still took kids to a park or a walk, or just anything to get them some time and give her time to do whatever she wanted. I thought it was a great balance.

So to know while I was working my ass off to provide the best life I could she was fucking around on me cuts deep. It’s not like I was off overseas on a bar crawl, it was for work and gave her the opportunity to do whatever she wanted. Well she wanted an A. So, great.

I'm in the process of D, so take this for what it's worth.

I think shame is one thing that unites all BSs, whether we D or R. I also have immense shame although I left. Where I feel shame is in people looking at me, a single woman in her 40s, and wondering what is wrong with me that I'm not married. Almost everyone I work with is married, especially those my age. I feel like I'm on the discard pile, not even good enough to fight for.

So, I think the shame starts with the infidelity, as much as we try to not let that cause us shame. I told everyone in my life about it early on, insisting "his shame isn't mine" and I think that helped some in not carrying as much shame about his affair, but I also know some people must still believe that there was something wrong with me or with the relationship for him to cheat.

I, like many of you, was also one of those that thought I had a happy marriage. When a friend of mine from law school (who eventually became my divorce attorney ) announced her engagement, I remember telling her, "getting married was the best choice I ever made." He was either having the affair at that time or would soon start it. I feel shame that I didn't see it.

I'm still working on it. DD was December for an A 42 yrs ago. It's hard for me to look at photos from really anytime in our past without me thinking about the lie he was concealing. Makes me second guess everything and I hate it. I decided not to share his A with others. Not because of shame, but because it's really no one else's business. We are working this out between ourselves.

Just last night we were out to dinner with friends and one mentioned how marrying young was the way to go. She pointed us out as an example. It took everything I had not to wince. It hurts me. I have definitely changed my pre-A narrative. I was so proud of the "high school sweetheart" success story. Now I am inclined to offer nothing when the marriage topic comes up. Far be it for me to offer any kind of advice. I don't know if I'll ever be able to view our life together pre DD as authentic. I'm hoping that that will change over time. The shame is on him. I feel disappointment. I got a peek behind the curtain and it rocked my world.

Our M will survive this, but the heartbreak will never go away. WH is working hard to help us heal. I do feel that him confessing has opened us up to a second chance of a genuine relationship.

I can definitely empathize with this post and the comments. The pride I have in my family is still there but not in my marriage. We have reconciled and its mostly been very good but I still at times have those feelings of shame, emasculation, however you would describe it, when I recall not only my wife's actions but my own. What I put up with, knowing all that I do. Im not suggesting I regret my decision to reconcile and keep our family together its just that I wish I didnt have to make this choice and that I didnt allow myself to get so thoroughly walked over during her affair.

I am a year and a half out so I don't have a ton of experience with how things develop and change as more time goes by.

I too carry shame but I will say I am reading books by John deloney and he talks about our stories, and how we carry the bricks of our stories. It's actually a book that has really gotten through to me and is helping me tremendously.

I remember the shame I carried for so long. After each discretion it grew worse and worse until False R when it became all encompassing. I didn't wear my ring and the M had become nonexistent. I loathed my xWS for what he had done to me. He had no remorse but even if he had the amount of deception was too much to overcome. My shame stopped when I left. Freeing myself from the prison I had found myself in. I discovered with infidelity that I am not cut out for R. I am unable to move past an A and I hang it over the WS head while carrying the shame for it. The cognitive dissonance was too much for me. Leaving was the best choice for myself in healing and to get rid of the shame. I don't feel shame for being divorced and it doesn't really bother me that lots of other people are married around me.

I felt shame at first - felt like I had compromised my moral beliefs. We are ten years post DD and I am proud of the marriage we have today. We have both worked hard to rebuild the marriage. I don't let the A define him or our marriage. He will be the first to admit he made a terrible life choice - he is remorseful and has worked hard to understand the why of the A and what was in him at that time that led him to the A. Our marriage is so much more than just the A. It is 40 years of laughter and tears, raising our two great kids and our two beautiful granddaughters. It is being there with support and love when I had my cancer and double mastectomy. He is truly a good man - that made a honorable life choice - it is one he says he will always regret.

I have done things that I am not proud of - but hope I am not defined by them. I believe in second chances as long as the other person is truly sorry for their actions and learns from them.

Personally, I don't think there is any shame in staying if the WS is truly remorseful and putting their all in to the hard work of R. It is your marriage, your life and there is no shame in living it as you desire. If you feel like your life and marriage are a sham, then maybe the A was a dealbreaker for you - nothing wrong in that. I believe that a marriage can be truly good and authentic again, even after an A - if both parties are willing to do the hard work R requires. I don't believe there is shame is staying and trying to rebuild a marriage - I thinks is take courage, determination and a great deal of empathy from the WS for the hurt they have caused.

Our marriage survived one of the worst blows that could happen to a marriage - and I am proud of that!

I am really struggling to see YOUR shame of betrayed person. If there has to be any shame it is ENTIRELEY ON THE PEOPLE WHO TRAMPLE ALL OVER THEIR SPOUSE'S TRUST. They are the ones to be ashamed of, not the people who were loyal, who never betrayed (and had as many opportunities to!!)

I am happy I decided to try to work things out. I am happy that I kept my values and my integrity and that I did not lower myself to that very same horrible choice.

I am ashamed I chose so poorly in a "life partner".

I am ashamed that my WW had affairs with married men and impacted their wives and families.

I am ashamed that (so far) I have remained with my WW despite promising myself "no more eating shit" 33 years ago.

I am ashamed I ignored the signs, believed the lies and stayed in a crap marriage (made crap by her cheating sabotaging it) when I could have gotten out once the kids left the house.

I am ashamed I am tolerating (so far) rug sweeping and avoidance.

No shame that she chose to cheat. That had zero to do with me.