Should I say anything?
I left last Wed. to see my mom (Apr. 1st was the one year anniversary of my father's death). It was raining pretty hard and I had to load the truck.
I wanted my WH to do it for me. I didn't want to ask him to do it, I wanted him to see this was one of those "acts of service". I was disappointed he didn't. He found a rain jacket and put it on me. When I was about to walk out of the garage he said "I guess you can give me the jacket and I'll load the truck", but I was already doing it.
Is it stupid to bring up that I was disappointed? Am I being ridiculous? Should I just drop it knowing that he just doesn't have it in him to be that kind of selfless? I mean, it's not that I can't do it myself, or I'm too delicate, it's just something my father would have never allowed my mom to do and he was my role model for how to treat your wife.
I just don't know if it's worth bringing up. Maybe it's just my issue that I need to resolve on my own. What do you guys think?
45 comments posted: Monday, April 4th, 2022
Forgiveness and the WS
So there was a conversation with my WH in which he asked me if I would ever be able to forgive him. When I said no, because I believe what he did is unforgiveable, he replied "Then what are we doing all of this for? What's the point?". I told him that forgiveness was never the goal for me. That it wasn't even a thought. My goal in staying was to try and see if we could build a different M. To see if he was worthy of me and a continuation of our life together. To see if he could change enough to make me happy again, and to see if I would be able to live with the consequences of the decisions he made without me.
I told him that if his end goal was to receive forgiveness from me, then we were at an impasse! I also told him that I thought it was possible for him to earn forgiveness, but that he wasn't entitled to it from me.
Here's my question to WSs, is forgiveness something that you work towards and expect at some point? Or do you understand that it is something that you may never receive but work towards it anyway? I'm just trying to figure out if my WH feels entitled to it because he's "doing the work".
And BSs, is forgiveness something you believe will be achievable whether the M ends in D or R?
I'm not interested in hearing how forgiveness is a way for me to give up the anger, bitterness, blah blah blah... I'm working towards acceptance and don't believe forgiveness is necessary for my health and wellbeing. As I said, I believe that what he did is unforgivable and even if he moves mountains, it doesn't erase the decisions he made that destroyed our entire lives, and continues to do so. He can never balance the scales, and as someone on here suggested, there will come a time when we as BS have to write off that red if we want to continue in the M. That is what I am working towards. And if eventually I realize I have indeed forgiven him, well, that's all well and good, if not, then that is also all well and good as long as we continue to build something new and he continues to be someone I can learn to trust again (just not unconditionally...ever).
22 comments posted: Monday, March 14th, 2022
Stressing and no idea what to do about it!
For those of you who have read some of my posts, you know that there is an OC involved. OW did not sue for paternity but of course we both knew that that could change at any time.
Today in the mail we got a letter from the state that he was being sued for CS. I'm not sure how this is going to play out since we are in two different states at this time, half a country away. I'm going crazy here because WH is asleep, he works at night but I'm feeling like either raging or weeping! My heart is racing and I don't know how to calm myself down.
Obviously we need to retain a lawyer, and there will be no exchange of money unless/until paternity has been established. My immediate concern is right now though. I'm so angry again! Angry that he did this! Angry that he brought another fucked up level to my humiliation and pain. Angry that there are NO GOOD options here and that's because of his choices! Angry that there will be $ taken from our family! He makes good money but we are still living pretty much paycheck to paycheck, slowly building some savings for retirement. But this is going to cut into our finances significantly. Our youngest son will be graduating next year, so I'm not sure there is any point in setting up CS for him.
IDK, I feel like I'm drowning again! After just getting my feet under me, I've been violently shoved into the deep end once more. Will this nightmare never end? I'm feeling unsafe and insecure. I don't want to deal with this! I want to stick my head in the sand. Walk away. Protect myself from any more pain.
13 comments posted: Saturday, February 19th, 2022
Healing yourself first
I don't post a lot but I read a lot. Every day in fact. Some subjects hurt, some make me angry, some resonate, and some I take comfort in. Today I really really heard something for the first time (though it is a theme that is often in these threads). Several posts I read had to do with healing yourself first.
In all honesty, I thought that's what I was doing. And partially I guess I have been. However, what I have still to let go of is trying to get WH down the road with me. I've dragged, pushed, done the work for him, all while also trying to heal me! But for the first time since all of this began 3 years ago, I finally hear "Heal yourself first". Look for the joy in myself. Work on myself, without a single thought about HIM! WH should not enter this part of it at all! I know it sounds ridiculous but today it was an AHA moment!
I can heal, I can be happy WITHOUT him. I can find the joy in myself and my life, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I think I have been missing this component. Waiting for him to help me heal and be a part of my happiness. Not sure how to go about this though. Back to the drawing board!
Anyway, I'm so thankful for this site, where even though you hear the same thing over and over again, you don't really hear it until you're ready to!
Now, if someone could point me in the right direction? That would be great!
27 comments posted: Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
3rd Year after Dday seems the worst
It's the 3rd Holiday season since Dday for me and it seems to be the worst so far. Previous years I've been able to at least keep most of the trappings. Decorating, cooking, baking...but this year I wish I could just ignore the whole season! I know I can't because my children and grandchildren deserve good memories. But I'm miserable.
Why is it so hard this year?
Yes I've spoken to my WH about this, but I get nothing but silence. He'll try to encourage me to do what I would normally do but I just find it grating! Like he wants everything to be normal no matter how I feel. Obviously I can't read his mind and he might see it as helpful.
Last night we went shopping and he made a comment about the lack of Christmas cookies this year. I said I just wasn't feeling motivated at all and if it wasn't for the kids and the grandkids, I'd just as well treat Christmas as another regular day. He asked why. I said he knew why. He said yes, but not why I linked the two. He just doesn't "get" or understand why his A destroyed all special occasions for me. For me, it seemed as if what we had (our M) and all those occasions that were happy and good, meant nothing to him because he chose to raze it all to the ground for his own selfish reasons. Sure, he doesn't see it that way, but that's what happened. 27 years down the drain. I find little joy and happiness in any special occasion because it is no longer special. He believes that his A shouldn't destroy the truth of those occasions. That it shouldn't take away all the years he was faithful. I don't know how to explain it and even if I was better with painting that picture, I doubt he will ever really "get it".
Honestly, I am beside myself, feeling that I am bringing everyone down with me because of my misery. But I find it incredibly difficult to keep a happy mask on. Maybe after all these years I'm just too tired to keep trying.
And please don't advise that I just "choose" to be happy because at this point I would find it patronizing. I KNOW I can CHOOSE not to be miserable, and I am trying to get to that point. But for some reason, this whole season just has me reeling. All the tools I've learned to help me through the dark thoughts are not working and I'm losing more than I'm winning. I hope that come the new year it will at least ease somewhat, but then comes WH's birthday followed by DS1 and DD2's. January and February!
Mostly I'm feeling empty. Talking to WH gives me nothing but silence. I can see the wheels turning in his head, wondering what to do or say, and coming up with nothing, that's exactly what he does, nothing.
14 comments posted: Monday, December 13th, 2021
3 Year Anniversary of Dday! Vent!
I reiterate, this is a VENT!!
It's October, which marks the 3 year antiversary! I was already feeling down and spent with the terrible and hurtful things he said during our last conversation and I just spiraled.
No, I'm not taking care of myself and I know that that is one reason why I feel so awful, but all I want to do is lay down and disappear! I'm feeling useless, ugly, tired, disposable, replaceable, you name it, I'm feeling it (as long as it's negative).
I've barely been functioning.
A few days ago as WH was leaving for work (he works overnight) I said "FYI, it's October". He responded with "I know it's October", in a way that told me he understood the meaning of it. He gave me a one armed hug and a peck on the cheek, then left. No mention of it since.
Today I got up, he was already home and on his computer. I didn't say anything, but about 20 min.s after getting up, I just couldn't do anything productive and went back to bed. He came in about 30 min.s later and asked if I had had trouble sleeping. I said no, I just felt shitty. He asked why, and all I said was "It's October". To which he responded with, "Just think of happy things. It's almost Halloween, your favorite holiday, maybe go out and buy a new costume".
Uh, yeah, sure, that'll fix everything. All I want is to be validated, to have him sit in the pain with me. But, I know that he will never give me what I need, no matter how many times I ask and tell him exactly what that is. I've told him several times that I don't want him trying to "fix" my feelings! Especially about the A! But he just can't help it! He doesn't like to see me sad because of something he did so of course I have to just kick that feeling in the ass by thinking of happy things, or just kicking it out of my mind.
I expected nothing less than this, and honestly, if I hadn't gone back to bed he would have just continued to act like everything was OK and fine. Like he does every day. He NEVER brings up the A. I'm always the one that brings up issues. Hell, he doesn't even bring up normal M issues. Everything is fine if we're not talking about it! He's a major rug sweeper when it comes to feelings and emotions! God forbid he actually try and deal with them.
I'm sad and feeling empty and I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone in this. I don't have anyone irl to talk to. We moved here about 2 years ago and then COVID hit. So I don't have any friends here.
Thank you for listening to my vent.
10 comments posted: Monday, October 18th, 2021
Does anyone have any recommendations for a good book on learning how to be empathetic? The ones I've found seem to be geared more towards those who are already empathetic and want to learn how to use it better.
2 comments posted: Friday, April 17th, 2020