Way to run into the point and completely miss it...a vent.

I have learned a LOT about Emotional Labor since Dday. I have discussed with my WH how he has made me feel that what I have done for our entire M was not as valuable as what he has done. He has taken care of us financially, and, well, I've done everything else! When I had this discussion and listed many of the things I did, he said that it sounded like I was regurgitating someone else's words I read online! And that yes, there were times when he felt that I wasn't pulling my weight in the M. When questioned further, apparently me not "carrying my weight" meant that I wasn't cleaning the house to his satisfaction. His mother is a cleaner, hardly ever just sits and relaxes. Her house is immaculate and she has a lot of rules on what you can/can't do etc. Which is fine, her house her rules, I always abide when there and always make my kids follow them too. But, I'm not his mom and I'm not going to spend my entire day cleaning!

Note: I have NEVER made him live in filth. Yes, my house is cluttered, but very lived in and again, not filthy!

Anyhow, it's a sticking point (my emotional labor that goes unnoticed let alone acknowledged and respected). If I wasn't making money, apparently I was just sitting home playing video games all day (according to him). Since Dday he has said he should have acknowledged my contribution, however, he still doesn't believe what I have done is as valuable as him bringing in money.

I could list here everything I've done but I'm sure you all know what it takes to run a household, and just a reminder, I have 5 kids!

Now, onto the point: WH has decided to follow this weird diet that is supposed to make him lose weight. So, he was putting together his snacks/lunch for work and commented on how it takes 30min.s of work for only a few minutes of eating pleasure. I responded with, "Welcome to my world. I do that every day, and some days I don't even eat what I make." I'm diabetic so sometimes I just make something else for myself, not dissing on my family, I choose what to make for dinner. His response was, "Not me!"

Anyway, I guess I wanted him to acknowledge all of the labor I put in to take care of our family (which still includes him and he should be so grateful). So, it was a let down that he didn't say anything of the sort. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I don't think so. I do expect to have another conversation at a later date about my "emotional labor" and its invisibility but importance. I mean, does he think the food magically appears in the fridge? And the bug guys just show up whenever we need them because the fairy reminded them? Bills just take care of themselves? All he has to worry about is going to work and coming home, nothing else. He even has his own "mad money" account that, you guessed it, I deposit money into every month!

Sooo, thanks for letting me vent about this very real resentment I have over the value of my work as a SAHM! Which by the way, I was because we followed him around the world as he was in the military. Really hard to have a career when you move every 4 years. Not that I'm really complaining about being a SAHM, it's what I wanted to be growing up, but now, after having to rely on him financially, I feel really stupid to have believed him when he said he would take care of me!

13 comments posted: Thursday, June 15th, 2023

Need help with a delicate conversation

In a discussion WH and I had last week he said that he felt that if he disappeared nobody would notice. That he felt that he was nothing but a bank for all of us.

How do I tell him that this was mostly by his own design?

He has NEVER attempted to connect with the children on more than a superficial level. If they wanted to buy something they knew to go to him because he would usually just say yes, while I might not because I am the keeper of the budget. However, for everything else, they came to me. We have 5 children ranging in ages between 32 and 17. Each of them at some point in their childhood stopped asking him to come to their activities because they knew he would make excuses as to why he couldn't come. They all knew that there was no point in asking him to do anything that he didn't want to do. Even now we don't usually ask him if he wants to play boardgames because he'll say no, that he'd rather play his computer game.

He also made it clear that in his mind, taking care of me and the kids financially was all he needed to do. When I told him that he should be making more of an effort with the kids, he said he was fine with me having a good relationship with them and me being the intermediary. He didn't/doesn't make an effort to strengthen his relationships with them. Now, he is beginning to see the ramifications of that, but apparently doesn't see how he caused it.

They see him as just a bank because that's what he taught them. That's what he taught me too. That I should be grateful he wasn't out and about, that he was home, that he provided for us. That it should be enough for us, while expecting me to meet all of his other needs, even though he didn't care about mine. Yes, he's gotten better, and I think because of the work he's done so far, he can now see how disconnected he actually is from the family as a whole. But apparently he still doesn't see that it is because of him and his actions.

I worked hard to make and keep my connections with my children and it has not always been easy. In fact it has been pretty difficult (did I mention I have 5 kids) to keep it up. I've also recently began to work on my relationship with my mother because she is now alone and I know that it is comforting for her to have me more in her life again. All of this is WORK.

So, how do I say these things to him without having him get defensive? How do I do it without sounding accusatory? I don't want him to shut down, especially when I am basically telling him that yes, he is mostly not much more than a bank. Of course we all love him, but he's right, if he disappeared, we'd be OK without him because like I said, he is incredibly disconnected emotionally with us all.

Edited for grammar and punctuation.

60 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023

Still Selfish?

I had an A-Ha moment today and wanted to share to see if it's a plausible thought. This might have already been discussed, but I don't specifically remember.

I have an IC appointment at the end of the month and was wondering if I should write down some questions or things I wanted to discuss. One of them was my WH's selfishness and how he has been working on it, also, the fact that the more I heal, the more it seems that our values are not the same at all.

The A-ha moment came while thinking about his selfishness. I realized that him working on it, trying to become a better partner/father, was also selfish. Because if he stayed the same (thinking only of himself, doing only what he wanted, getting his way all the time etc.) it is now a dealbreaker for me and he knows it. And I'm still not convinced that he wants to save the M because he "loves" me. I think it has a lot to do with his quality of life. It's 1000% better with me in it. And, the only relationship he has with his kids is through me, so that would likely be gone too. He just doesn't want to be alone.

Not sure this is necessarily a "bad" thing? IDK. What do you guys think? I know initially selfishness in wanting to protect their way of life is probably a given, but if that's the case, how long can they keep it up?

I'd love some discussion about this.

6 comments posted: Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Overreacting or Consequence of the A?

I would really like to know if I'm overthinking this.

My WH and I had a conversation today (we've had similar in the past, pre-A I didn't really care but post-A I do). It was about him looking at other women. He said that he did, that he looked at every woman that passed his vision. He noted which ones were attractive and which ones weren't. Pre-A during one of these conversations he said that most men (including him) looked at women and would check YES or NO (would have sex with or not). And that it was just automatic. Today he said that he did NOT think about having sex with them but only noted the ones that stood out to him as attractive.

He also said that he didn't feel guilty about it and didn't think he should. I want to make clear, it was a rational discussion, he wasn't angry or upset, I didn't feel like he was "defending" himself vehemently. It was more like this is the way it is, period. I do feel upset about it but what can I rationally expect in this situation? IS IT AUTOMATIC and he can't stop it. Or is it something he can work on?

Am I overreacting to be upset that my husband looks at every single woman in that way? He asked me if I didn't look at other men and think of them as attractive. I said no, I can only think of two instances in which I saw another man and thought "WOW". And I remember both vividly. Other than that, I don't look at men that way, and I certainly don't check out every single man within my view. Of course I did before getting married, afterwards, I just didn't. Not to say I don't look at celebrates that way, but definitely not the average guy around town.

Like I said, pre-A I didn't mind, because I was OK with him looking because he wasn't supposed to "touch". But now I know that he can cross that line and I no longer am OK with him "looking".

So, what do you guys think? And what are my options here?

17 comments posted: Sunday, March 12th, 2023

TikTok outing WS's

I enjoy watching TikTok, it has taught me a lot. However, I'm sure we all know there is a Dark Side to TikTok. There are so many BP's outing their WP's. Most are very calculating about it. Some do the dramatic confrontation. Some don't go the way they thought it would. Being betrayed was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me and I don't think I could ever film it and share it on social media!

There is also the whole trend of others stitching it and putting in their two cents, most laughing all the way at what is coming to the cheater. Do these people not realize that these are real people? I get the entertainment aspect, we LOVE watching other people crash and burn and hopefully get what they deserve.

I can't lie, I also fall into the category of hoping they WP gets what they deserve, still, can't imagine how much it complicates everything putting it out there for others to watch and comment on. I saw one unfolding where the BW was told by the WH that she just had to deal with it because he wasn't going to stop seeing the OW. She is a SAHM and he moved her far away from her family and has nobody to help her.

Now, I also realize that sometimes these people are lying just to get likes. Also atrocious, mostly because it works. They get support, likes, validation, etc. But you never know the truth.

What do you guys think about this?

9 comments posted: Friday, December 16th, 2022

Permanent or is there hope?

So, I've planted both feet into reconciliation and decided to work towards that.

Here's my issue of the moment: Everything my WH does annoys me! I get angry at things he does, or says. I know sometimes it's an overreaction on my part, but others...I just don't know. Is this something that happened to others? DD was 4 years ago but "removal of WH head from ass" was only 2 years ago. I try not to let it get to me, but I have to wonder if perhaps this was a dealbreaker for me and that's why I get angry. Since DD I have learned that I was in an essentially abusive relationship. I didn't realize it at the time but he would DARVO me almost every time I brought up something about how he made me feel, or how he hurt me in what he said or did. I understand now that it was a defensive mechanism so that he didn't have to deal with it and to shut me up.

Anyhow, I have learned to stand up for myself now and do not let him get away with it. He still stumbles in this but he is working on it and I can see improvement. I wonder if I am holding on to resentment about the past and his treatment of me. He has also said that when we discuss these things, he feels like nothing he does puts aside the past so we can move forward. I don't know how else I can tell him that just because he apologizes once, or twice, it doesn't erase the thousands of times he treated me badly.

Any advice would be appreciated, as this is not the kind of relationship I want.

11 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022

Learning empathy

Does anyone have any recommendations for a good book on learning how to be empathetic? The ones I've found seem to be geared more towards those who are already empathetic and want to learn how to use it better.

2 comments posted: Friday, April 17th, 2020