Am I being dramatic?

Been a while since I've been here. I needed to take a break for sure. I'm still with my WH, for...reasons.

Anyway, this just happened the other day and I wanted to get some other perspectives from both Waywards and Betrayed.

My WH has a female friend at work. I have asked that he not give out his number to any woman whom I do not know and am not friends with. I felt that he was actively trying to push us to be friends and I can guess why . I felt really pressured and not ready for him to have a female friend at all so I asked him not to talk about her/bring her up as just hearing her name triggered me. He complied. I already knew that he did not hold the same boundaries that I do, and that he thought some of things I asked him not to talk about/do were "no big deal".

The other day he casually mentioned that this woman was getting a divorce (and that he wasn't supposed to tell anyone because she had asked him to keep it secret), that her husband was jealous, thought she was cheating, didn't like her going out all the time etc. And, that she was pretty sure he was cheating on her because, well, why not I guess, since she is cheating too. My heart broke into pieces again because in my opinion, he should not know such intimate details about their marriage.

I told him I was hurt to hear this because I thought it was inappropriate conversations going on between them. His initial reaction was to ask what exactly was inappropriate about it. Of course that made my heart sink because how does he think this is OK? I also told him that it made me wonder what WH was sharing with her about us, and how much intimate knowledge might she have about him, me, our relationship etc.

His next response was to say that he didn't like that I immediatly thought he was guilty. That I had already assumed he was guilty of something. I asked what it was that I thought he was guilty of, and he said that I accused him of telling her intimate things about us and our relationship. I told him I hadn't done that, that his words had made me wonder IF WH was also oversharing. Because I have made it clear that I need him to have full, walls up, impenitrable boundaries with other women.

He eventually did validate my feelings. That he heard me and understood why I felt the way I did. He said he understood what I wanted. I responded with "But you don't agree with it.". He didn't really answer that, instead he told me that from what he understood, I merely wanted him to know how I felt and to hear it. Which told me that yeah, he doesn't agree with my assessment that he's been haveing inappropriate conversations with another woman. Even if it's just listening to her complain about her husband, which, lets face it, I'm sure is more than that. I did tell him that I didn't appreciate that another woman was discussing her issues in her relationship with my husband and that I expect my husband to put a stop to it. That he needs to tell her she should have those conversations with a female friend, and that it made him uncomfortable. He said he didn't think he would ever be able to tell anyone to stop talking about something. So...

Also, I received no reasurance, nor did I get any comfort. In fact, I initiated a hug minutes later because I needed one.

So, is it too much to ask to have strong boundaries? And is this kind of conversation OK? I feel like if there was no history of infidelity or shit boundaries with other women, it might be, but as it is, I feel like it is another betrayal. Like he is not respecting me and protecting our relationship. That because he doesn't want to feel uncomfortable (telling this woman to stop sharing so much), or hurt HER feelings, he's not going to enforce those boundaries at all.

What's the verdict? Am I off the rails? Honestly, I knew that he wouldn't change his behaviour, I even said so when I started talking to him. I know he isn't going to enforce boundaries, because they aren't his, if it was left up to him, there wouldn't be any at all. It's a real issue, and I don't really know how he expects me to trust him when this is the case.

I'm going to ask him to go the the therapist with me next week and maybe hearing it from her will shake something loose, but I'm wondering if I just need to focus on my own happiness without him because he still manages to hurt me with things that he should have already mastered.

31 comments posted: Friday, February 7th, 2025

Without my consent

Figured this was the place to put this since it is not affair related. I guess it's just a vent because I don't know what to do with this at this point.

WH and I were having a conversation about birth. I have 5 children and all were natural births. I was venting about the practice of the "husband stitch". I began to say, "I've always wondered if I had one because..." to which my WH interrupted and said yes, I've had one. That at one of my births afterwards, the doctor told him that he had added one. Neither of us knew what it was at that time, and he didn't tell me, but he said that it was weird, because the doctor acted like he had done him a favor. As in a wink and a nod.

And I was furious! How dare he! How dare he mutilate me! Haw dare he violate me! When I was in such a vulnerable state! Why is it OK for anyone to think they have the right to do that?! So the man has more pleasure? what about the woman? Because what I was going to say was that sex had become painful at one point, which is why I wondered if it had happened. But that's OK right? Nobody cares about the woman's pleasure, or how she feels about sex anyway. What does a man give a shit about how his wife feels as long as he's getting his right?

I just don't know where to put this anger. I don't feel anger about this towards my WH because like I said, neither of us knew what that even meant. He just shrugged it off at the time as something weird. Assuming it was part of giving birth, though it did make him feel odd. We were both in our early 20's and still learning about things.

I want to rage! The violation is incredible! To know a man I trusted, a doctor I trusted, to take care of me and do the best he could with my health care, violated me in such a way. And for what? He didn't ask me if I wanted that! He didn't ask my WH if he wanted that! (not that that would be any better). And I was never told after the fact either! I might have asked questions about it if I had been. Though as young as I was, and as vulnerable as I was back then, I probably would have done nothing about it. Too scared to make waves. But still, the audacity! And the cruelty! That doctor affected my enjoyment of sex, made it more difficult and painful, which affected the overall intimacy in our M. And I thought it was just me! TBH, I didn't tell my WH that it was painful because I thought that that was just the way it was. Women endured!

And here is yet one more thing that I have to work through because for some reason, women are second class citizens who don't deserve a voice in what is done to their own bodies!

11 comments posted: Thursday, June 20th, 2024

Drunk Think

This is probably going to be a ramble and maybe not very coherant, but I just don't know what to think about it all.

WH is not a drinker (a couple reasons for that), but he had some drinks last Monday. He gets a bit silly when he drinks. We were having family night (playing Talisman, great fun if anyone wants to try it, love it and hate it at the same time) and he started giving me small compliments, like "You're beautiful", "Your so pretty", and I thought he should drink more often, haha

He got really touchy feely too and at one point, when the kids and I were disagreeing about something (nothing major, just in good fun), WH said he agreed with me because "she lets me touch her boobies". That was pretty inappropriate in front of our kids, but they just laughed it off and rolled their eyes.

When I was ready to go to bed I first went to the bathroom. While I was in there, WH tried to get in, jiggling the door. I said I was going pee and he kept trying to get in, pretty aggressively. When I finally came out, he hugged me and started talking. He was very drunk and said that he knew his inhibitians were down and he wanted to tell me things.

We stood there for maybe 2 hours (not kidding!) and he repeatedly told me he was sorry about what he had done. That his only thought was of me and how to make me happy. that he didn't care about anyone else, including the kids And that he felt that no matter what he did I wasn't happy. That he had stopped trying to have intimacy with me because he knew that I didn't want that and that I kept seeing AP in my mind, that he didn't know what to do to make that stop. Told me that he loved me but that he didn't believe I loved him anymore. Asked if I believed him when he said it.

I didn't say much because I knew he wouldn't remember this conversation the next day anyway. Like I said, he's not much of a drinker and the handful of times he has gotten this drunk, this has always been the case. He doesn't remember what he did or said. I did however tell him that what I needed was more empathy from him, that he was failing there. He said that he just wasn't built that way and maybe I could accept that. I said NO because it's what I need and I have been "accepting" his lack of EQ for our entire M and I wasn't going to back down on this. He just frowned like a sad boy.

He also said that it was difficult for him to keep trying when nothing seemed to matter. That it was hard when there was no hope. When I asked for clarification, he said that there was no hope for forgiveness for his A from me. We have talked about this several times and I have been extremely addament that I believe that what he did is unforgiveable and if he can't live with never being forgiven by me then we can part ways. He has said he understands. I said that I worked to accept what had happened and try to create a new better M. He kept pushing about "hope", I again reiterated that maybe we should part ways then because I couldn't give him that. He said why not, because I don't know how I will feel in 5, 10, 20 years. I agreed that he was correct, but if he was holding out for forgiveness, he did it at his own peril.

He talked about how sad he was knowing that he caused all of this and that he was trying to be a better man. That he was sorry he couldn't talk to me about these things like this when he was sober, but that he meant them. That I have said I want apologies but that when he says he's sorry, it's never enough. Again, we have talked about this, I have told him if he is not willing to apologize for the rest of his life, then we can part ways. I have also told him that an "I'm sorry" is great (better than nothing), but that it doesn't erase the pain. He has argued with me about this in the past. I gave him the analogy of me running over his leg and breaking it. Obviously I feel bad and apologize, but that doesn't magically knit the bone back together. The break is still there and it still needs to heal. But his response was that the "I'm sorry" heals his heart

I've told my WH about my father and how he would come into my and my brother's rooms in the middle of the night to wake us up and tell us how much he loved us and was proud of us, when he was falling down drunk, barely able to stand, and slurring his words. While I knew he meant the words, they didn't really mean very much while he was drunk! WH's words and the whole conversation felt this way to me too. Like, OK, I get that you probably mean the things you're saying, but they don't MEAN anything if you have to be drunk to say them.

He also said that maybe it would be better to seperate if I'm miserable. That he would "take care of me". But I don't believe that one bit. I'm sure he would at first, but as soon as he found a replacement, that would go out the window. Honestly, he just doesn't like to feel like the bad guy.

I'm sure I forgot some things that were said, but the whole ordeal left me feeling blech. Oh, also, while he's talking about not having sex anymore and not wanting to push that on me, he's unbuttoning my dress and ogling my breasts

Anyway, not sure what I want here, maybe some perspectives other than my own? Some advice from other waywards about this kind of thinking? It makes be think he DOES think about the A and the consequences it has had on me, but never brings them up. Like, knowing that I visualize the things he's done with AP when he tries to get close. If only he would say something in those moments, if only to let me know that I'm not alone in this, but of course, god forbide he actually do something selfless

17 comments posted: Sunday, May 19th, 2024

Healing, overreacting?, and scary realizations

As I said in my previous post, I am focusing on healing myself (not just from the A but from FOO issues) and learning to love me for me. The work is hard and it has dredged up so many memories from childhood that I see in a new light. Had you asked me a year ago how my childhood was, I would have easily said that it was good! We weren't wealthy by any means, but we had what we needed and plenty for what we wanted! Sure, my parents favored my brother, but I knew I was loved.

It didn't take long into this process for me to realize that while I was not physically neglected, I was emotionally neglected. Had it not been for my maternal grandmother, I wouldn't have learned what unconditional love looked like.

Anyhow, here is one of the instances where I want to ask if I'm overreacting or reading too much into it. After the first session that dealt with just me delving into FOO, the week that followed was grueling. All the memories bombarded me and left me exhausted. I barely slept that whole week. WH asked why I was so tired and I told him that the week was difficult because of all the emotions I was suddenly feeling about my childhood and parents.

He made no comment about it, instead he changed the subject to something else. This bothered me and I felt that he missed an opportunity to show some empathy. I didn't say anything but couldn't stop thinking about it. I brought it up again and basically, he said that he doesn't see those moments, that his ADHD brain bounces to a different topic. TBH though, to me it seems more likely that he isn't interested at all in what I was saying, and wanted to talk about something else. So, how exactly is he supposed to work on his empathy when he can't even pick up on situations that require it? And am I supposed to always point out, "Hey, some empathy right now would be nice, this is one of those situations you should focus on me and my feelings" Ugh! To me that just means I'm the one doing all the work again.

He doesn't do anything to improve his empathy, NOTHING! He doesn't even go to IC or MC anymore. Oh, he'll go if I ask him to, but he puts no effort into taking the initiative on that.

Anyway, durring that discussion I talked about how I view myself, physically, and how I still have those voices in my head of my mother, father, brother, etc. from my childhood until 18. That is is what I'm working to overcome because I want to be able to love myself, accept myself, feel beautiful in my body, no matter what it looks like.

So, second "am I overreacting" situation. Durring our M, over 30 years now, there have been several times where he has commented on my weight, what I eat, and exercise routine, etc. So, yes, I have his voice in my head as well, but I'm not ready to work on that yet, as I'm still working on FOO. I told him this, but he asked what I meant when I said that I have a version of how I think he sees me. He assumed I meant as a whole person, inside and out, but really, I just meant physically. I told him I didn't think he felt I was beautiful (certainly not by societies standard), and that the women he viewed as beautiful looked nothing like me. While having this discussion he did tell me that he thought I was a beautiful person because of the type of person I am (beautiful on the inside so to speak), and why don't I get a tummytuck, that might help me with my self-esteem This of course completely misses the point of me wanting to find myself beautiful the way I am now!

Sidenote: he also told me that he didn't look like any of the men (celebreties etc.) I thought were attractive. Not true though, at least not in the same way as many of the men I think are attractive are not conventionally attractive, and we've had this conversation before, he can't fathom why I would find Tom Petty attractive!

So I'd love to hear from you all if you think I'm overthinking those instances, or am I justified in feeling that he just is NOT seeing me at all outside of what I can do for him.

He did say that he has done and said some terrible things and is so grateful that I didn't leave him because I was well within my rights to do so. He apologized but blamed it mostly on him being young and stupid. Well, many of those terrible things were done and said when he was in his 30's and 40's. He was 47 when the A happened and a few years after that he was still being an ass. However, him saying that upset me, because he's presenting it like a good thing that I stayed, because it benefitted him. The way I finally saw it was...pathetic...Nothing to be proud of! If my daughter came to me and told me that their H had done/said these things to her I'd pack her bags! I am embarassed that I let this man walk all over me, treat me like shit, made myself smaller for him just so he could feel big! What in that is there to be proud of? He also said that he knew that aplogy was probably too little too late and he's right!.

And here's my scary revelation. Once I heal myself. Once I truly LOVE myself. How can I stay with a man who has so little respect for me? How can I stay with a man who emotionally abused me for decades? How can I stay with a man who hurt me over and over and over again and just shouted me down every time I tried to stand up for myself? OK, yeah, sure, he's trying to change and things are different now, but the damage has been done! Even if he is the sweetest, kindest, most affectionate, worshipful man for the rest of my life...HOW? Except that you all already know that he isn't any of those things and still hides behind his memory loss, and ADHD brain, to get out of doing the work necessary!

And where does that leave me? I have NO IDEA! I don't think I have the bandwidth to really think about this right now. I just need to continue to focus on me and see where that takes me. I am trying to find happiness where I am, I don't want to waste the rest of my life. Honestly, most of my life is lived w/out thought of him anyway.

Ugh!! Fuck life is hard!!!!!!!!!!!

15 comments posted: Friday, March 29th, 2024

Victim mentality

I feel that I am stuck here. Not so much about the past, but about the future. When going to bed I envision scenarios in which my WH will cross boundaries again and how I will react. For example, I've asked him not to give his number/text to any woman I don't know and am not friends with (this has caused major issues in the past, but I think at this point he understands it is a consequence of his lack of boundaries throughout our entire M). So I imagine that he does this and is "chatting" with a co-worker (as he doesn't go anywhere except work without me), and is keeping it a secret. I run through this in my head! Finding out and how I would react! I know this isn't healthy and I tell myself to stop, but for the life of me...it just continues...and keeps me up at night! Unfortunately for me I have a very good active imagination and can create elaborate dialogue that includes feelings!

I know that it is up to me to stop thinking like this, but that really isn't helpful in the moment. As I said, I can be very detailed and can feel the pain of it. I believe that part of it is that I am still not at the place of trust with him and able to be vulnerable. As in, I don't think I can let my defenses down yet. And of course, he feels this. I go through the motions of being there and interacting, and trying to be more intimate, but that closeness we used to have is no longer there, and I feel it might never return.

Just wondering if other BS's have gone through this and what helped you through? I don't think I will ever be able to trust him fully, though I do believe he would never cheat again, I don't believe that he will be able to keep up boundaries because I think he still thinks it's no big deal to give his number to his co-workers and chat a bit, as long as he doesn't cross lines. For me, right now, I don't feel comfortable with him sharing his number.

Am I out of line here? Do I need to let him do what he wants in this regard? Or am I still justified? To be clear, I'm not saying that he isn't "allowed" to talk to women. Of course he can't navigate the world without interacting with women. I just don't feel comfortable with him having their number and texting women I don't know.

Anyway, advice is welcomed and appreciated.

20 comments posted: Tuesday, January 30th, 2024

Ultimatums vs. Boundaries

There are already posts on this here but I have a specific question.

For context (and those that don't know my story), my WH's A created (allegedly since there has been no paternity test) an OC.

After I had processed some of this I informed WH that I would not stand in the way of him having a relationship with OC if that is what he wanted, but it could not be with me by his side. For me, I knew that I could not accept a daily reminder of the worst thing that had ever happened to me, perpetrated on purpose by the one person that was supposed to have my back and supposed to protect me no matter what. I did not see it as an ultimatum of "it's me or OC". However, this is exactly how WH saw it then, and sees it now. He flat out told me that I had given him an "ultimatum".

I know it might be semantics, but, it is grating on me that he feels this way when for me, I was simply trying to protect myself, and by extension, an innocent child. I know that I would never willfully hurt a child but I know that I could not completely hide my resentment. That would not be fair to me or the OC.

Is this something that I just need to let go of? To accept that it was an ultimatum? Or continue to feel as I do now, that it was a boundary I set for my own well being, health, and safety?

39 comments posted: Wednesday, November 15th, 2023

Overreacting

This is a long one, so, if you'd rather not take the time, I totally understand! I tend to be wordy, so I apologize in advance if this could have been stated shorter.

Anyway, I had decided that if I was going to continue to R, that I had to put both feet in and work on my side of the relationship. Start on all those leaky faucets if you will. So, I did! I began with the thought that I would try and make his life easier, or try to do something every day to make him smile, or ease any stress. Things from small to large. He had expressed to me that he felt as though he wasn't worth the effort of one or two more hours of cleaning the house. (His mother kept a spotless house and I'm more comfortable in clutter). So, I set a reminder on my calendar for every Mon. to "vacuum". When it goes off it reminds me to not only vacuum, but to more deeply clean the bathroom, mop, and clear out any large clutter. Additionally, I make sure to try and keep the clutter to a minimum (though the kids don't help) and sweep every day. Also dusting, and even a few times, cleaning the baseboards as I know he takes particular notice of this.

I also cleaned up the pantry and bought bins to put things in so that it looks more organized when he goes in there, as he has also said he doesn't like to see it so chaotic (he has some OCD). I bought him some bins for his vegetables and fruits to put in the fridge so nobody else touches them (I even cut up the veggies and fruits for him sometimes). Since he has complained in the past that I don't suggest things for us to do, I took that on as well. He wanted to go see the King Tut exhibit so I got tickets and made an evening of it. We went to the museum and then to a nice Italian restaurant (his favorite) afterwards. It was lovely. I also booked a 3 day vacay at the beach (which he loves but I don't particularly care for, but this was for him). All this to say that I stepped up and was putting in a LOT of effort.

Unfortunately, I didn't feel like he was putting in equal effort (more on that later). My therapist said that I should also suggest doing things I want to do, things I enjoy, not just him, even if it pushes him out of his comfort zone. The next Sunday I had suggested we go to a steak house, since he slept most of the day (he works overnight). On the way he asked if I had suggested the steak house because I wanted to go, or because it was something I thought he wanted. That we could go somewhere else if I wanted to. I did want to go to the steak house as I enjoy steak and we hadn't been in a few months. But, I found his suggestion encouraging for doing something I wanted to do, so, during dinner, I said "I thought we could go to the flee market next Sunday." He said nothing, neither yay or nay.

Next Sunday when I woke up he asked what the plan was for the day, I reminded him about the flee market and he said he had forgotten. Anyway, he didn't go to bed until 11:30 so I knew then we wouldn't be going since it was 50 min.s away and closed at 6pm. I was right, he woke up around 6:15pm. He looked oh so sad when he said, "I overslept didn't I? Can we still go?" I said no since it closed at 6. He said how sorry he was for oversleeping, gave me a sideways hug and that was it. I didn't even know he had gone back to bed, he didn't tell me.

He slept till I went to bed at 10pm. He went upstairs and I tried to sleep. but of course I couldn't. So I just started to cry. He must have heard me and came in asking what was wrong I told him that I felt as if I wasn't worth the effort of getting up etc. There was a lot of back and forth and in there he said:

I didn't know it was so important.
You didn't tell me it was a big deal.
If you really wanted to go, you could have woken me up earlier.
You didn't even ask me if I wanted to go.
Don't you think you're overreacting?
I'm sorry you felt that way.
You need to know that I'm getting old and it's hard for me to wake up early, I need more sleep.
I don't like setting an alarm because then that's all I think about and I can't sleep.
You ARE worth it.
I bought you something, it's coming tomorrow (with that shit eating little boy look as if he'd done something wonderful/buying me things is his go-to)

You get the drift. In the middle of that I told him how I had begun to step up and do things for him to show how much I care about him, and he couldn't do this one thing. His response? "I didn't ask you to do that."

When he threw out the "Don't you think you're overreacting?" I just shut down and was done with the conversation. I lay back down. He said a lame sorry and left. The next week wasn't great. I wasn't angry, I was just so sad and disappointed. Here I was trying so hard, and he couldn't do one thing! And the DARVO! I just kept thinking that the only thing that had changed from pre A! was that the DARVO wasn't as harsh, but it was still there!

I kept cleaning, it actually helped me to work through what I was feeling and I was accomplishing something, instead of just sitting in my depression. I did a LOT of cleaning. One morning I was in our master bath in the small toilet room and wiping down the baseboards. It was about 10:30, so I didn't think WS would be going to bed that early, but, he came in and asked what I was doing. I told him "just cleaning the baseboards". I finished up and went to leave so he could go to sleep. He stopped me and asked why I was cleaning. I was honest and said that it helped me work through my feelings. He said that it seemed that I was doing the passive aggressive cleaning I used to do. And I will admit that that was a thing I did. I said no, I wasn't being passive aggressive. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said no, because I didn't at that time. Honestly didn't think it would change much of anything. Maybe I was a dick to leave it like that, but I had decided that I was going to focus on myself and doing things that made me feel better. So I left.

That evening when he woke up to go to work I told him that I didn't want to argue, and that I wasn't trying to punish him with my "cleaning". It wasn't Passive Aggressive. I told him that I knew in the past I had done that, but, that it was in anger and I would make a LOT of noise because the point was to make him SEE that I was angry. That wasn't the case this time. And before anyone aske "are you sure?". Yes, I am. When I said I did a LOT of cleaning, I meant it! The only cleaning he saw was the baseboards, and washing dishes of course, but I do that every day, sometimes more than once or twice a day. I told him that it wasn't necessarily about him, it was me working through my thoughts and feelings. He said he understood, but later told me he didn't. I guess I'm not a good communicator then.

The next morning when he was going to bed he asked if I wanted to talk. I did say there wasn't really anything to talk about. He said we should since we know that letting things hang without talking is not good. I reluctantly agreed.

I reiterated that I felt he had dismissed my feelings and I was disappointed and sad that he had accused me of overreacting. He said he hadn't done that, so, I reminded him that he had said "Don't you think you're overreacting?" to which he pushed back saying that it had been a genuine question! I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't realize it was gaslighting until days afterwards. I did tell him that that was bullshit and he knew it, he kept trying to say he meant it but I just rolled my eyes and didn't let him pressure me into letting it go. Finally he stopped trying to convince me. He said that he had an issue with remembering things and that I knew that, and that it wasn't just him because look at all those memes about husbands who forget things, to which I countered that the underlying theme was that it was because it wasn't important enough to them to remember. He acknowledged that was true, but that it was a meme for a reason. I let that one go because I honestly didn't have the bandwidth to argue with that stupidity.

He again said that I had to remember he couldn't just wake up like he used to, that he was old now, to which I reminded him that I had NEVER asked him to do that before (except for when I took him to the King Tut thing, and that was for him), and that when he woke up early on Sunday it was because HE wanted/needed to go/do something! He acknowledged that too. (Honestly it was just a lot of excuses). He asked if I could help him in the future to remember these things, and I told him that honestly, I wasn't even sure if I would ever try again. He said that was disappointing and I agreed that it was. I said that it was difficult to plan things because he works nights and really only has Sunday and Monday to do things and Mondays are family night. He said that if he moves to days, we'd be losing money, about $200-$300 a month. I said I could get a job to make up for it but he said that that would cause other complications, plus, there were other reasons he wanted to work nights (uh-huh, so in other words, it isn't about the money). And he said that he knows I'm much happier not working EXCUSES!!

He did finally give an actual apology and I told him that I appreciated that. He again said that I was worth it, but, I have yet to see that play out in real action. Needless to say, that conversation didn't leave me with any more belief in him than before. I know that he is going to continue to get defensive every time I bring something up and I'm just so fucking tired of it. Even my therapist said that I should "help" him! When the hell do I get help? When the hell does he have to take responsibility for his own actions or inactions? Why do I have to hold his hand? He's not a toddler! He's a grown ass man!

So, I am now putting in as much effort as he does. Apparently he DOES NOT think about me and what he can do to make MY life easier, so, why should I? And that puts us right back to where we were pre A. Wonderful!

I'm not ready to leave, I don't have a job and if I do leave, I'll lose my health insurance. I need that. I have type 2 diabetes and have already been hospitalized twice, once, I was very near death. I can't afford to lose it. Ugh! I'm going to have to concentrate on just living my life. I mean, I pretty much do now anyway. Like I said, he's only available some of Sundays and most of Mondays, otherwise, I'm just doing whatever on my own the rest of the week! I go see my daughter, go shopping, to the library, run errands. Fuck, I'm going to take myself to the Flee Market next Saturday because I honestly don't even want to go with him anymore but I still want to go. And, it's back to him "deciding" what we do. Mind you, this doesn't entail any actual planning like I did, nope, it's just, "let's go to the mall" "let's go to the movies" "let's go to Nan's"...You get the picture.

Sadly, I also made a realization the other day, and I can't believe it took me so long to see it this way, but now I can't unsee it. I don't know how many of you have experience with the military but WH was in for almost 30 years. In that time he went on several deployments that were usually for 6 months. Of course this happens to most service members. For many, reintegrating into the family after a deployment was difficult for many reasons. I used to be so proud that we NEVER had an issue reintegrating WH on his return. And it fucking hit me last week! Seriously, only LAST WEEK! We never had an issue because our lives didn't change in any integral way when he left! I didn't have to pick up the slack on things because he didn't DO Anything in the household! Literally NOTHING! He went to work, came home and played video games! The kids lives didn't change much either since he had nothing to do with them that they would miss him for! I took care of the house, the cleaning, the cooking, running errands, paying the bills, saving, being a chauffer, appointments (including his), etc. etc. etc.!!! In fact, our lives got easier when he wasn't there! The kids weren't getting yelled at because they didn't pick up their socks! I didn't have to cater to him and his whims. It was peaceful! Now, I'm not saying that I hated when he came home, he wasn't an ogre. We were always happy when he came home, but yeah, there was nothing to reintegrate because there wasn't anything that he did that we had to pick up the slack on when he left.

I feel so stupid for this!

All this to say what? Well shit, I don't know. I just needed to get it out. I will be going to my next therapy appointment this coming week and letting her know that no, I will not hold his hand any longer! I'm jumping off the bus and he can sink or swim on his own. (mixed metaphors there, sorry). So yeah, go ahead, tell me how stupid I've been and continue to be! This doesn't seem to be worth the effort.

8 comments posted: Thursday, October 5th, 2023

Need help with a delicate conversation

In a discussion WH and I had last week he said that he felt that if he disappeared nobody would notice. That he felt that he was nothing but a bank for all of us.

How do I tell him that this was mostly by his own design?

He has NEVER attempted to connect with the children on more than a superficial level. If they wanted to buy something they knew to go to him because he would usually just say yes, while I might not because I am the keeper of the budget. However, for everything else, they came to me. We have 5 children ranging in ages between 32 and 17. Each of them at some point in their childhood stopped asking him to come to their activities because they knew he would make excuses as to why he couldn't come. They all knew that there was no point in asking him to do anything that he didn't want to do. Even now we don't usually ask him if he wants to play boardgames because he'll say no, that he'd rather play his computer game.

He also made it clear that in his mind, taking care of me and the kids financially was all he needed to do. When I told him that he should be making more of an effort with the kids, he said he was fine with me having a good relationship with them and me being the intermediary. He didn't/doesn't make an effort to strengthen his relationships with them. Now, he is beginning to see the ramifications of that, but apparently doesn't see how he caused it.

They see him as just a bank because that's what he taught them. That's what he taught me too. That I should be grateful he wasn't out and about, that he was home, that he provided for us. That it should be enough for us, while expecting me to meet all of his other needs, even though he didn't care about mine. Yes, he's gotten better, and I think because of the work he's done so far, he can now see how disconnected he actually is from the family as a whole. But apparently he still doesn't see that it is because of him and his actions.

I worked hard to make and keep my connections with my children and it has not always been easy. In fact it has been pretty difficult (did I mention I have 5 kids) to keep it up. I've also recently began to work on my relationship with my mother because she is now alone and I know that it is comforting for her to have me more in her life again. All of this is WORK.

So, how do I say these things to him without having him get defensive? How do I do it without sounding accusatory? I don't want him to shut down, especially when I am basically telling him that yes, he is mostly not much more than a bank. Of course we all love him, but he's right, if he disappeared, we'd be OK without him because like I said, he is incredibly disconnected emotionally with us all.

Edited for grammar and punctuation.

60 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023

Permanent or is there hope?

So, I've planted both feet into reconciliation and decided to work towards that.

Here's my issue of the moment: Everything my WH does annoys me! I get angry at things he does, or says. I know sometimes it's an overreaction on my part, but others...I just don't know. Is this something that happened to others? DD was 4 years ago but "removal of WH head from ass" was only 2 years ago. I try not to let it get to me, but I have to wonder if perhaps this was a dealbreaker for me and that's why I get angry. Since DD I have learned that I was in an essentially abusive relationship. I didn't realize it at the time but he would DARVO me almost every time I brought up something about how he made me feel, or how he hurt me in what he said or did. I understand now that it was a defensive mechanism so that he didn't have to deal with it and to shut me up.

Anyhow, I have learned to stand up for myself now and do not let him get away with it. He still stumbles in this but he is working on it and I can see improvement. I wonder if I am holding on to resentment about the past and his treatment of me. He has also said that when we discuss these things, he feels like nothing he does puts aside the past so we can move forward. I don't know how else I can tell him that just because he apologizes once, or twice, it doesn't erase the thousands of times he treated me badly.

Any advice would be appreciated, as this is not the kind of relationship I want.

11 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022

Learning empathy

Does anyone have any recommendations for a good book on learning how to be empathetic? The ones I've found seem to be geared more towards those who are already empathetic and want to learn how to use it better.

2 comments posted: Friday, April 17th, 2020