DD anniversary 2

So yesterday was the 2 year antiversary of when the bottom fell out from under my entire life. Surprisingly, yesterday was not very difficult at all. Compared to one year ago (which was an utter disaster and I was a mess for weeks leading up to DD - wish I could find the post from back then and compare) it was no big deal.
In September this year which is the start of affair season for us I felt slightly triggered around some dates, but since then it hasn't been more than a passing, fleeting thought now and then that two years ago at this time he was mid-affair. Coming up to DD anniversary I was expecting to feel worse as I did last year, but it just never happened. I did think about it some yesterday, and I was slightly teary during an emotional film I watched. But I was not triggered once, and I decided not to even mention the whole thing to WH. I don't believe he remembered or noted the date (he has pneumonia and has been sick as a dog for more than a week) and I just didn't feel like bringing it up and making it into a thing, when it didn't feel like a thing to me.
I have to say, I am relieved and a bit surprised as to how uneventful this years antiversary turned out for me. I wouldn't have expected that big of a change from last year, I hade expected DD to turn slightly less painful slowly over many years. But year 2 is pretty close to 0 on a scale of how much it impacted me.

Looking back, I have come such a long way. I am in no way healed yet, but compared to 2 years ago the change is enormous and also this past year has done a lot for my emotional and psychological state. Our M is still struggling, we are still in MC as well as IC the both of us, but we are still trying to R and working towards it. Slowly, painfully. Some days I feel like maybe it's not worth it all and I should just put myself out of my misery and D, but for some reason, here we are, trying, wanting each other, choosing each other.
Two years ago I remember wanting to just fast forward time a year or two to a time when the pain would be slightly less sharp. I guess that's where I am today. Still in pain, still so filled with grief and anger. But the edges have softened. I feel less despair and my anxiety is all but gone. I am still triggered almost every day but the A is no longer the main thing on my mind every moment of every day. I have finally started these past few months to feel some more joy again as well, I was well and deep into the POLF for many months this past year, but lately I have started to get back more and more of my previous glad demeanour in short bursts. I am truly looking forward to Christmas this year, the first since DD. I am an avid Xmas fanatic and it's always been my best time of year. DD a few weeks befor Xmas two years ago pretty much spoiled that year as well as last years Xmas's. But this year I feel that same joy and anticipation for the season I used to have, which I am grateful for.

For the coming year, I am hoping it will be less painful than the first two years have been. I hope to never again have to return to that dark place I have managed to crawl myself out from.

So for this of you in the JFO group, I hope this post can bring some hope. I honestly thought this experience would kill me, I was in utter despair 2 years ago, unable to work, function, eat, sleep, parent and was on the border of mental breakdown for many months. But day by day I got through it and here I am still, putting one foot in front of the other. And so will you.

6 comments posted: Sunday, November 24th, 2024

Is this the Polf or the beginning of the end?

DD2 is closing up on us, we are in the middle of affair season. I have been feeling like I am in the POLF for some time now. More than 6 months and it only seems to be getting worse.

I always used to be able to tune into my good feelings towards WH and our relationship as soon as we were in a good place, before DD, but also after DD. Obviously the first 12-18 months after DD those feelings were never only positive, they were severely tainted by excruciating emotional pain, sadness, anger, PTSD symptoms. But I still felt the love that has always been our base, our anchor, I felt that I still wanted us, wanted to fight for us. This was also why I decided to give WH a second chance after DD, because I still felt that deep love for him and hope for a future if certain things would happen.

These days, it sometimes feels like it may have been too little too late? I see changes in him, it's just they came after more struggle and at a higher cost than I could stand. And now I find myself feeling more and more numb. I no longer go into that deep turmoil, but I also no longer feel any really good feelings in pur relationship. Even when we are in a really good place, it's like I'm just numb. I can't really access that feeling of love or belonging or happiness anymore? I am still holding out hope that this is the dreaded POLF and that it may pass with time. At the moment thought, it's a bit unnerving.

I was always so, so head over heels for my WH. For more than 20 years I never fell out of love with him and not even after DD, although I sure wished I could have stopped loving him then so I could just have left and put an end to the pain as soon as possible. Cut my losses. Now that we are moving forward, he's trying, he's changing (not perfect but still steady change in the right direction over time), I can feel no joy over that change. I for the first time have no idea if I even love him anymore or not. HB the first year has turned into something quite mechanical and emotionless for me, I never feel close or really connected to him and recently I had a health scare and didn't even share it with him. This was something that surprised even me. I found a lump that needed to be checked and I kept it from him for weeks, until I'd had all my exams and scans. I just didn't feel our relationship was a safe place to share my worries and I didn't feel close to him emotionally in way that I felt natural sharing it with him like I have for our whole lives together. He was hurt that I hadn't confided in him, I understand him, I would have been hurt and angry had the tables been turned. But I just couldn't talk to him? I feel such a huge disconnect.

How the hell do you know if it's time to call it quits or if it's part of the process that'll pass?

9 comments posted: Tuesday, September 24th, 2024

Tips for getting through affair season?

So officially in affair season again. Two years ago WH first started his A. Or OW kissed him drunk at an office party, he claims it came completely out of the blue (I'm not sure I trust that but anyway), but that it intrigued him and so it eventually led to them getting in touch and starting up an A after a few more weeks and that lasted about 2 months until I caught him.
I'm feeling the stress, not as much as a year ago thankfully, but as you all know, everything about this time of year reminds me of that period when I thought things were one way (lovely and safe), and they weren't.

Tips on what you find works for you to get through AS for you? Do you find discussing it with your WS helps or makes it worse? On one hand I feel I might need to confide to him that I'm feeling a bit rattled this time of year, but on the other hand, I don't feel like giving it any more space in my life than necessary. Not rugsweeping, just not letting it be the main character in my life this time around again? So I'm thinking that maybe if I try not to let TOO much focus go on it, it might pass more smoothly? I might kidding myself here... I work out, I do things that make me happy, spend time with family, friends and try to remind myself that that was then, it is not happening now (at least I have no signs of such). It just bums me out because I love this time of year (or used to) and I was really in a good place mentally and emotionally that time two years ago and then it all came crashing down and I haven't been able to crawl myself back to that place yet.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, September 4th, 2024

What would happen if I just let it go? I feel like I am not 'allowed' to.

Really struggling at the moment so bare with me, my thoughts might be all over the place, but I just wanted to run some of these messy thoughts by all of you wise folks on SI.

I've been into self-help for coming up in 20 years, so way, way before DD. However since DD hit I have not really been able to use those things I had learned, and used, and believed helped me. Now that I am starting to slowly dabble in those thoughts after almost 20 months since DD, I am struggling. Because every time I start going down that route, another part of me screams STOP! You are rug sweeping. Let me explain with a few examples:

I read Eckhart Tolle (that is often recommended here once you are out of early days) something like 15 years ago and it's been super helpful in most aspects of my life, has helped me get out of, or stay out of the victim role when the shit has hit the fan. I am not a big fan of Byron Katie but one of her questions to ask yourself in any given situation you feel stuck in in life has helped me so, so many times in life: 'Who would you be, if you could not have that thought?'- it's gotten me unstuck so many times.

But with this situation now, I think I'm actually scared of using those principles? I am so scared of rug sweeping that I get stuck in not-forgiving and not moving on like it's my life's purpose. Every time I feel the pull of those principles, that I KNOW would help me, I resist them. I fight them off. I go pain shopping, or remind myself that it's not ok to be happy, to trust, to accept etc because then that would be letting WH off the hook, that would make me a pushover, weak etc etc.

I listened to a podcast the other day on being stuck after infidelity (it was not blaming the betrayed part in any way it was just to help identify where you might be stuck) that asked similar questions:

1. Can you tell me what getting over it looks like for you?
2. If you were over it what would you be doing and saying differently?
3. If you were over it, what would you no longer be doing?
4. If you were over it, how would you feel on the inside?
5. If you were over it, what would you believe to be true about yourself?
6. If you were over it, what would you believe to be true bout the other person?
7. If you were over it, what would time with that person look like and feel like for you?

I immediately felt a super strong resistance to these questions even though intellectually I know they are valid and letting myself go into them and letting stuff go would be helpful to me.
I know that me being stuck is slowing down our R because I am being an ass to my WH. I am sabotaging R, sometimes knowingly. But I feel ENTITLED to it. I feel like after all the horrible disgusting damage he has done I am entitled to being 'difficult', making R as difficult as possible for him and only if he manages to put up with me being difficult for a long long time, can he, maybe, deserve another chance? Does that make sense? I fear rugsweeping from the perspective that I would be letting myself be used, and fooled, letting my WH off the hook without him having done enough of the work he is supposed to do, but somehow it's also an entitlement issue? I feel entitled to being stuck, angry, bitter, mean.

So sometimes I ask myself, what would happen if I just let it go? I don't think it could even be called real rug sweeping after having 20 months of daily bringing up the affair, MC, IC for both, books, and pods etc. It's just that he hasn't been able to live up to some of the things I felt I needed, not out of not wanting to I think, I genuinely think he doesn't have the capacity for some of the things (he is possibly somewhere on the spectrum and I´ve known that for 20 years). So what would happen, if I just accepted that? If I accepted that he did what he did and this is as good as he's gonna get at doing the work? he's never going to wake up and suddenly become this model WH I seem to be waiting for, but he is already more or less good enough. And since I am not ready to D either, then instead of prolonging my own suffering, what if I decided to try to start moving on? What if I started to allow myself to use these principles and thoughts that have helped me so many times before? I know I would feel better, he most certainly would, and our M would be better for it. But I am so afraid of rug sweeping and being blindsided again and used that I am too scared. So I am keeping myself stuck in an attempt to feel safe, but in fact, it's not making me feel safe, at all.

In some ways I feel like I am not even allowed to forgive, let go, be kind to him yet? Because he hasn't done enough work to deserve it in my mind. And so I punish him, and by that, myself. Because I make myself more miserable as I continue to poison our M with my bitterness and anger, that is justified obviously. But it's not helping. And I think I'm robbing myself of the future I want with him by making it impossible for us to get there. Granted, his actions put us here in the first place. And that's what I tell myself, to justify holding on to my anger. But what if I let it go? Worst case scenario he does it again. But that could happen even if I keep punishing him.

Are we ever allowed as BP to let it go? Just accept, and make the best of it? Accept what they did, accept this is as good a partner they will become, and then let it go?

12 comments posted: Friday, July 12th, 2024

The rage is back

After a few months of what seems to have been the dreaded POLF, feeling mostly flat in all ways, I am now finding myself back in rage and disgust-land again. I had hoped this wouldn't rear its ugly head any more this severely 19 months from DD.
Past few months I have felt mostly just meh towards my WH, sort of fed up and hopeless, and now that feelings are back, it seems it's the really ugly ones that returned.

I feel such utter disgust and contempt towards him once again just find him so morally corrupt, irredeemable as I feel infidelity really is a character issue more than anything. I have always felt that and I feel such disgust that he could stoop so low, and then follows disgust with myself, for choosing a partner, and spending 20+ years and building a life with a person that turned out to be capable of something so disgusting, and then, disgust with myself for staying after DD. Just disgust and contempt all around these days.

I'm not dealing with it very well unfortunately. It comes out in ugly ways towards my WH. Snide remarks, hurtful words, I think I really want to hurt him at the moment. I want him to hurt like I do. It's like I'm taking out some kind of revenge by being hurtful and mean. I'm trying to reel it in by going to the gym and pounding it out on the treadmill and the weights in stead. It helps, a bit, always does. I am in IC weekly and I have done a LOT of painting as we are redoing part of our house. And then there's the crying, rage crying and deep sadness that follows. How I hate being on this bloody rollercoaster still after so many months. I know healing takes way longer than 19 months but I really had hoped these intense periods were in my past by now.

I hope this passes soon as I am not liking these feelings and I don't like who I turn into with them. And also, if they don't pass, that'd obviously be the death knell to our M. Staying M to someone that you feel disgust for just isn't something I can do longterm.

How do you guys deal with times when you are overwhelmed with rage and contempt? How can I (is it even possible?) start seeing him with more empathy and slightly less judgement? Not rug sweeping or condoning, just a slightly less black and white view? I really want to change my view of infidelity as an unforgivable character flaw to something also a generally good person can stoop to and come back from. How does one start to question one's own moral convictions? Is that even something I should want to do?

10 comments posted: Wednesday, July 3rd, 2024

Do we ever really heal and recover or do we just get used to the pain?

18 months since DD and while there is still a long looong way to go to anything resembling full recovery or healing on my part, or reconciliation for that matter, things are better than say 6 months ago, and way better than 1 year ago. At least pain-wise.
But these past couple of months I've been having this recurring thought: am I really healing and getting over or through this experience with time and hard work, or, am I just getting used to living with the pain and the mess my life turned into? Sometimes I fell like I am starting to forget who I was, and we were before DD.

I'll try to explain my thinking. When betrayal hits you, you are handed against your will a choice between two shitty options. D or try to reconcile with a wayward spouse. To me, both seemed, and some days still seem, equally impossible. This truly is what the expression of being stuck between a rock and a hard place is all about. Realising, accepting and grieving, that you can no longer, ever again in fact, have what you really wanted, a M without infidelity in it. You can have a D or you can have a marriage, and heart, forever tainted by betrayal. For the longest time I just felt that neither option was even survivable. And so I guess in a panic I scrambled to see which option had less of a disastrous impact on my life as a whole, and opted to give R a try. And that's where I still am. Trying to R. It still feels an impossible task, to live with his betrayal, to get past it, it just feels slightly less impossible than the option of D.

And so days, weeks, and months pass. I just put one foot in front of the other because that's all I can do. We do IC separately, we do MC, and we try our best to R. But I do wonder, are we REALLY changing anything, is anything REALLY getting better, or am I just getting used to living with the shattered leftovers of my marriage? How do I know I am moving towards acceptance (healthy)and not towards giving up on things and just settling (in an unhealthy way)? Does that make sense? Does time and IC and acceptance really heal anything or do we just get used to having a marriage forever dented? Kind of like living with a limp or constant physical pain? So that we accept that life, and love can be good again, but never as good as it once was, we just get used to living with a lesser version? Do we just give up on the hope of reversing the clock and settle for getting used to the crappy hand we were dealt or do we develop genuine happiness and love again? And does it even matter which it is?

4 comments posted: Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

Saw AP for the first time yesterday, did not go well at all.

We live in a small town and AP an WH still work in the same company (different floors and units they have zero interaction and he has been NC since DD, avoids social gatherings where she might be etc) but we have never run into her before. He is looking for something else and has since day 1, he has applied for jobs every week for 15 months but hasn't had any luck due to his field being super small and his competence being very specific and our town being small in the middle of nowhere. He jas also applied for jobs in the locations that would require us moving our entire family but even there, no luck. However, we have managed to never run into AP or see her a single time for 15 months which in our town is more or less a miracle. I suppose he might have seen her from afar at work once or twice but no eye contact or same room etc. We have discussed what I need if and when it happens. I have said that I need him to immediately show me support and hold my back with his hand, hold my hand or put his arm around me, turn our backs towards her and be mindful to support me.

Yesterday we went to a restaurant in a food court type place and we were not being vigilant, the thought hadn't even crossed our minds I guess that she might be there, and so we had already ordered and started to sit down by the time I noticed she was there, quite close to us. Her back was to us and we sat in a cubicle so we did not have direct view of her and I don't even know if she saw us, but it having been a first ever and that I wasn't thinking of the possibility, I panicked. I started sobbing in the cubicle and saying I needed to leave. WH did not handle it well, In fact, he probably panicked? I guess because it was a shit show. He just kept telling me to try and calm down, we have already ordered, we are not in direct view of her and she cannot see us, lets just eat our food quickly and then get out of here. I started crying and he started panicking that people were looking so he started going into a massive shame spiral and kept telling me I was making a scene. I had to call my mother who eventually managed to talk my panic attack down over the phone while he sat across from me on his phone pissed off that I was making a scene. Once we got out he was angry at me for making a scene, telling me I overreacted we hadn't even run into her in any way she was just in the same large space. I felt completely shocked and today I am just in pieces over his utter meltdown/failing to act even remotely empathetic or supportive. he has been 'doing the right things' I'd say perhaps 70% of the time, not as well as I'd liked I guess but the main things have been in place since day 1 but he does have issues with shame and has had them his entire life, he does not do well with panicky situations of any kind and has always been super avoidant. In a way he did act as I would have expected based on 22 years together how he's handled any crisis in the past (not well) but somehow I had hoped that this crisis being due to his actions he would have handled it differently. He did not.

I guess I'm mostly needing to vent but also I'd like some perspective on what might have gone on for him? any ideas? (Other than him being a immature POS which is pretty valid given the circumstances).

32 comments posted: Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

How does one stop feeling owed?

Every book I've read (and they are many), whether on recovering from infidelity or forgiveness of unforgivable things in general, as well as all the wise long timers here on SI mention the fact that at some point in your recovery journey, you make a choice of sorts. To stop needing or wanting what you are in fact owed, because the scales can never be levelled anyways, or because your WW has given you as much as they are capable of, and mainly so that you can free yourself. I understand this, and I want it, deeply. For me. Not to let my WW off the hook or tu rug sweep. But to start feeling better, for ME.

But I find myself stuck here. I'm stuck punishing my WW with words and being petty and difficult in all aspects of life non A-related, I'm stuck feeling like he owes me. I KNOW, intellectually, that I must heal me even though my WW was the one that broke me. Emotionally, to get to that acceptance is hard. I still feel so deeply that it's his mess, he needs to fix it. I know that there is nothing more my WW can really do to help me out of this particular rut in my R journey. This is a me-issue. And I know what I want and need to get to. It's the HOW I'm struggling with.

So what types of thoughts, insights etc helped you get over that hump? What was it that finally let you stop punishing, stop feeling owed, letting go of that being owed, starting on a new slate, levelling your WW up to your level again, whatever it is you want to call it. Stop bringing up the A in every single small thing where your WW is being selfish in any way and just really hurting yourself more than the WW in the end. Because I do realise that's what's happening here, I'm hurting myself the most.
Am I pissing him off? hell yes, and I'm driving him to his wits end, and sabotaging our recovery and hurting him. Those parts I feel I'm pretty much justified in doing I guess, but are they helping me? no. They are hurting me as well so I really want to stop but I can't seem to find that switch in my heart and mind. I'm so humiliated and angry and hurt and my way of getting that out is rather toxic it seems. So I'm really looking for advice on what made that switch turn for you? what made you realise it was time, you were ready, or if it never happened that way, what things did you actively try to change in yourself to allow it to happen? This is a change I want for myself no matter if we succeed in R or go for D. I just don't like being this person.

32 comments posted: Monday, February 5th, 2024

Outside events setting of heavy thoughts and feelings

In the past month two of my friends from when I was a bit younger have suddenly and in shocking ways died. An old classmate disappeared and was searched for for weeks, when finally found it has been impossible to find out for certain if the death was accidental or a suicide. And now a few days ago a woman I used to know and be close with when our kids were younger has died in a horrific accident alongside her youngest child.

I am finding that these two events have really sent my head into a tailspin. Things like these I guess always send you into a shock of sorts and makes you reflect on your own mortality, how it can all be over so suddenly and what we feel about our own lives. But the problem now is, that previously in life when events such as these occurred, it always woke a deep sense of gratitude in me. Gratitude for my own health and life, the life I had managed to build for myself and my family, gratitude for everyone around me being healthy and alive. Family, love and life. But now? 13 months from DD? There is no gratitude. There is just sorrow and bitterness. And I hate that. I hate that this A has done that to me and taken that from me.

I hate that my WHs A has destroyed the life we had built together and that I can never have that life back again no matter what. I can choose between two things I never wanted. To divorce or stay married to a cheater. Neither of which I want. In fact, both are equal hells to me. Neither is doable, and still here I am doing it every day, the one that is SLIGHTLY more doable than the other, for now.
I hate that I no longer feel like I previously did, that if I were to suddenly die, I would know that I was exactly where I wanted to be in life. Not always happy, not perfect in any way, but in a place of my own choosing. Now, I just feel like I am stuck in a life I hate that someone else forced upon me. A life where I have to live with this shitstorm that my life is now and forever.

Sorry for the downer post, needed to vent my disappointment and just this overwhelming feeling that life will never be what it once was ever again. Just feel like life is running away from us all, it can be over in a blink of an eye, and here I am day by day in a life I never wanted, cast upon me by my own H.

16 comments posted: Thursday, January 4th, 2024

Filters, fogs and the haziness of 'truth'

13 months from DD and have been struggling for a long time now, increasingly, with knowing what is true, has been true. Doubting my own memories, perceptions and justifications. This might turn into a bit of a ramble as I try to get my thoughts straight, but I'm wondering if others perhaps struggle with the same thoughts?
I've always had a pretty black and white approach to truth. Obviously I know there are always as many variations of truth as humans involved in any matter, and one single objective truth is always hard to come by. But at least I've always been fairly certain of MY truth, my view, my memories, my role in things etc. Lately, I am losing this certainty. I am doubting everything, even my own memories, my own perspective and my own feelings.

I used to be so sure that I knew who my H was. We can never know any person completely obviously, but having been together for more than half our lives, I thought I had a pretty decent picture of who he was. I also thought I knew who we were, as a couple and family, and by extension, who I was. As we all know ass BSs, DD brings this house of cards all crashing down and suddenly it's like we have no idea who we are living with anymore.
Early on I noticed my WH suffering from some typical 'fog' of sorts but most of that cleared up pretty quickly and he snapped out of it. However, now I'm starting to think as time passes, have I been in my own sort of fog of sorts as well? and what then has the 'truth' been? We talk about the rosy coloured glasses coming off and our spouses coming off the pedestal on DD. That part is still pretty straight forward and logical to me. But the more complicated issue now is I am starting to question everything. Not just from the 2,5 months the A was ongoing, but all the way back, 20+ years we've been together. Now I don't just question who he has been, what our marriage has been, but also who I have been and what I THOUGHT I was and we were. A few things have contributed to this besides the A itself obviously:

Immediately after DD he gave me full access to all his accounts. As I delved deep into his social media years back to check if there had been other As, I realised he had sides to him, not just in the affair, but with his colleagues and friends that I never really knew he had. Obviously we all work this way, we aren't the exact same person with two people. Different people and situations bring out different sides to us, locker room jokes with the guys aren't meant for the wife's ears and so forth, but still this has made me think have I ever really known him at all? There are just so many sides to him I have never had access to for all this time, so many 'secrets' I suppose they feel like even thought they aren't exactly that, just sides of a person I haven't seen. Nothing shocking or disturbing, just new and that's unnerving.

We were in trouble in our M long before the affair. I know this for sure and it isn't a construction of his fog after the fact, because we were in MC a year before it started and I was the one who dragged him there as a last ditch effort to salvage us because I had been deeply unhappy for years. However, I was pretty sure I knew back then that I was the more unhappy one, and to be frank, that he was the bad guy (even before the affair) and the one that needed to pull his head out of his ass to save our marriage. I was also completely certain he would never leave, that I would be the one to leave if anyone, and that he would never cheat (HAH what an idiot I was), in fact, I thought if anyone would be more prone to cheat it would be me, as I was so desperately unhappy but still in love with him. DD hit like a ton of bricks and even though his unhappiness in no way excuses his A and he hasn't used it as an excuse either apart from maybe the first 24h, it still shocked me to find out in MC that also he had been so severely unhappy in our marriage as well. He had always just communicated that the only thing he wished to change was for me to stop complaining basically. He never really expressed any unhappiness apart from me complaining about how unhappy I was. (yes he's severely avoidant). This has forced me to some uncomfortable introspection, which hasn't exactly been made easier by his A that makes me feel entitled to feeling like he is the bad guy that needs to fix things and I am the traumatised victim. But obviously we also need to look at the issues going back way before the A, and in those I am not innocent.

I've been talking with one close female friend about this for years and writing in my diaries so I have a written record of our issues and my own unhappiness in the M. However, I am, to a fault, extremely romantic, sentimental and attached and this has filtered the way I've viewed our lives together. So even through all our issues I always felt so in love with my WH. I really wore rose tinted glasses, not just towards him, but our relationship. I always had this idea and feeling we were still despite our troubles meant to be, special and all that laadidaa. I wonder if this isn't in part what kept us afloat for many years, my wanting us, him, our life so much that I just loved us back to life again and again. And he just never left I guess but was very passive. This has meant that even though we struggled, my image of our years together has been mostly positive. I view our years together as slightly troubled but good. Not so for my WH. When WH first started saying that we have been in big trouble and not happy for the most part for years I protested and felt it was his fog rearing it's head, something to justify or minimise the impact of his A. Like it wasn't as bad if the marriage he broke was already broken. But lately I've started to think, maybe this isn't his fog, maybe it's MY fog? my rosy coloured fog? I'm starting to think that I have wanted and needed this M so badly (reasons to that is an entire novel due to Childhood PTSD so lets not go there) that I have managed to always put them back on after every horrible argument or issue where I during the years felt I can not do this anymore. I always managed to lure out that loving feeling for him and patch things up again and I've maintained this image of us as this wonderful couple that fights but loves so deeply. Now I am wondering, was I the one in the fog all along? Was I viewing us and him and myself through my rosy filter? And for how long? I suppose the 'objective truth' if ever there is one, lies somewhere in the middle between my rosy picture of who we were and his darkened A-fog version, but I am struggling these days to discern even my own truth. Much less ours.

I always felt I was so in love with him, but I am learning in MC that I wasn't acting loving towards him and he did not feel loved by me. I know this is true (and not just fog) as I was bitter and unhappy for so many years, I know I was unforgiving and harsh. So then who was I really? My picture of myself has been the unhappy loving wife, but is that who I was only in my head and not who I in fact acted as? (again none of this has been discussed as an excuse or explanation to the A) so then, which is true? both I guess, but then both versions of what went on is also true? As are our versions of what our marriage has been like the past several years. Those of you who have read my previous threads know I also was completely sure I had not had an A of my own and now post DD and learning about all types of As in books and MC have had to face the fact that I probably had an EA earlier without at the time realising that was what I had. Again something that makes me doubt my own wits and feelings and perceptions which is just maddening. How could I not have realised? All of this has me questioning everything and it feels like falling down a rabbit hole. It's one thing to not be sure who you've been sharing your life with for the past 20+ years, or what your marriage has been, but what if you don't even know who you have been yourself and if who you thought you were is true or not? Not just in regards to what you were to your WH, but in general. How does one find one's footing again in this mess where you no longer know anything at all to be true? When there is nothing certain to hod on to anymore? It's unnerving to think I may have been lying to myself about everything for years and years. I feel completely lost.

11 comments posted: Thursday, December 14th, 2023

Grieving and celebrating getting through the first year.

So DD anniversary finally came around. I guess I just need to rant. I've been dreading this day for weeks (months even). So I'm relieved it's finally here. It's a milestone of sorts I guess. I survived a year, I'm still here, functioning again, sort of. That's a win in my case.

When DD hit I decided to give myself 6 months to begin with. Not even my M, that was a whole different story, just myself. I was in such emotional pain, suicidal, PTSD, could not function. I completely broke, and in front of my teenagers at that, which I wish more than anything I could have prevented, but I was a blob on the bathroom floor, crying, wailing, for weeks. Months even. I immediately started IC twice a week at first. I was already on antidepressants for CPTSD from my childhood so that dose was upped. I could not eat and lost la lot of weight super quickly, lost 70% of my hair, sleep was impossible(even on sleep meds I got only an hour at most), I was not functioning at all.
So I told myself, just give it 6 months. Six months of complete agony just surviving minute to minute, and hopefully at some point hour to hour. I decided to lower my expectations as low as they could go, I knew the first six months would be pure survival, anything else was a bonus. But I gave myself six months to decide if I could survive this agony, until then just go with the flow. One breath at a time.
At 6 months I gave myself another 6. This time I decided that now the first 6 months were over, I would give it another 6 months where expectations would be to suffer slightly less, wail on the floor slightly less, but still accept that things would be an utter struggle. And then after that year, if things really, truly, were as bad as on DD I could re-evaluate my will to live, whether or not I could survive this hell. Every time I felt or thought 'I can not live with this' I can not ever get over this' 'This is impossible', I just pushed the decision to decide of that was really true forward in my mind, telling myself, you can decide when the year is up if that is true.

Well, here I am 365 days later, no longer suicidal, and knowing that yes I did survive. Somehow I survived, I am surviving it.
After about 7-8 months my physical symptoms (I had so, so many, doctor's at one point thought I had developed MS or some other neurological disorder) finally dissipated. I no longer need sleep meds and my appetite came back after a few months. I'm still not at the top of my game at work due to major brain fog and being so exhausted, but I can keep a job, I function. I no longer spend 9/10 nights on the bathroom floor wailing into a towel.

And lo and behold. I'm still married, I still live with my WH. Something I never thought could happen. Are we great? Far from it. But we are less shitty than a year ago and we are still trying. That's a win. And today also marks an entire year since he ended his A, since he last was in contact with the AP. So there's that. I'll take any win. 365 days since we restarted our M. I'm trying hard to turn this day around to that. The day the A-bomb hit is also the day we started rebuilding.

One year ago I just wished, in absence of the possibility to have the A undone, someone would knock me out for the first year so I wouldn't have to endure living until the pain was slightly less intense. I just wanted to fast forward through the first year or so, to a day when I would se SOME glimmer of hope, have even minutes of peace from the stabbing pain. So I'm glad to be on the other side of that first horrid year. I have no illusions that only the first year is difficult, but in my case, I truly believe the second can not be any worse than the first, even if there would be a second DD, just because now I know this didn't kill me. I look back at this year with grief, not only grief for the M but for the person I was that I lost. The mother my kids had that they lost since she turned into a blubbering, triggered, crying, raging, screaming unhinged version of herself this year that I wish they had never had to see. PTSD is no pretty thing.

But I survived. I pulled myself out of that dark hole with the help of hours and hours of IC, MC, TRE (trauma release exercises), EFT-tapping, meditating, journaling, crying, screaming, talking with a close friend,raging and working out. Lot's of working out. There was some wine and the occasional tequila involved as well I do admit. So cheers to me, high fiving myself for surviving the hell my WH put me in. Hoping for a slightly less horrible second year with more peace, some joy hopefully, and less time spent in survival mode.

2 comments posted: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023

How to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop?

We are coming up on DD anniversary 1 soon. This year's been an absolute horror. Due to previous CPTSD from childhood, DD hit me like a ton of bricks and I have been in a really bad way with severe PTSD symptoms. I'm in IC weekly and we are still in MC every few weeks. I'm on antidepressants for anxiety. WWH was in IC first 6 months as well until he filled the amount his insurance will cover. It's been a rough ride all in all but we're working hard to recover.

WWH has done most of the things needed. I say most instead of all, because obviously he's not perfect. He's read a few books with me and discussed them, watched many many videos, and with time things he was not handling well at first have started changing. The requests for change I have made for him to do, he's started doing. He used to get severely anxious and defensive, go into panic when I tried to bring things up, he's worked a lot on that and things are 100 times better than in the early days. He really seems to have 'gotten it'

But how do I start trusting things really are better? How do I start letting go of the need for checking compulsively, going inte these spirals where I just out of nowhere talk myself into thinking something must be up? Some things just seem 'too good to be true' and I end up doubting them even though I have so far found no signs or evidence they aren't in fact holding up.

Take NC for example. He ended his A via email on DD, I got to read it before he sent it, it left no opening to anything. They are COW and the A happened 100% at their place of work, short hook ups in the basement (yuck). However they are on different floors, different teams and have no interaction in their work. My immediate non-negotiable was besides NC that he change jobs. He immediately agreed. He's applied for 50+ jobs this past year, I've seen them all go out so he has applied, but no luck so far. We live in a small town with limited possibilities and he has a very niche job so finding something else has been a huge challenge. he's applied out of town, even out of country as well, nothing so far. It's driving me insane him being in that place 5 days per week with her in the same building, but I also see he is truly doing everything he can to get out of there. The fact he hasn't succeeded is starting to eat at his self-confidence. He's an educated person with a high end job so I think we both thought getting him relocated would be a breeze. He brings in 70% of our earnings since his job pays way more than mine does so just quitting and taking any odd job isn't realistic, we would lose our home. He has promised since day 1 to immediately tell me if he even has a partial visual on OW, which he did twice in the year from far away in a corridor. He has avoided all social gatherings where OW could have turned up. He claims OW has not tried to contact him a single time. I have found nothing to doubt he's telling the truth. I have full access to all his devices and I have checked them regularly, also without him knowing so he wouldn't be able to delete anything prior to giving them up to me. But I am just so scared of being blind-sided again that I just can not trust when things seem to be going as well as they can in this situation. So I just feel like he probably has met her, talked to her, is just keeping it to himself. I have no proof, no signs, it's just it seems to good to be possible.

Another example is that now that he has finally started being less defensive during discussions, in fact he's doing everything I've requested he do, I have a hard time trusting he really gets it for real and this is why he's changed, and start thinking he's just playing me and trying to keep me in the dark by being more empathetic and doing the work on the surface to throw me off.
As soon as I start relaxing even a little bit, if I get a slight twinge even of happiness, or hope that R might succeed, my walls go up and I panic and think he's just tricking me, I can't let my guard down, I can't stop being on alert 24/7 because then I'll just get hurt again.

So how does one start letting go of the fear? How do I start daring to trust the good, even in small increments ? How on earth did those of you who managed to R start letting your guards down over time? I hate being on high alert all the time.

For an entire year there has been 0 TT. The reason being I found his chats and read them all so I know everything, more than I ever wanted to know. Hell, there's nothing to trickle out, I got it all and then some in dirty little details om DD like a tsunami. Still, I feel like it's too good to be true that there hasn't been any TT, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He hasn't slipped up a single time with anything as far as I know for this entire year, and I just feel like I must be missing something. I shouldn't let myself be fooled. But there has been no proof, not any sign of this. And again, this makes me suspicious.

How do I start letting my guard down, in an appropriate manner, with time, as it's deserved? I'm noticing that no matter what he does, says or changes, I just can't let myself relax even a little bit. I'm so scared of false R, for the other shoe to drop, that I don't even give him a chance to be fair.

8 comments posted: Sunday, November 12th, 2023

Have we actually been MH's all along without realising it, or am I being manipulated?

This'll be long, apologies in advance.

Background is I am the BW, DD 11 months back, H hade a 2,5 month EA + PA with C. We are in MC and IC and trying to R. He has been NC since DD (different parts of the company).

Immediately after DD hit WH started bringing up that I had basically done the same thing. Which I had not. (his A was 90% chatting/sexting, 5 short 5-10 minute meet-ups in the office to make out, one BJ, never left the workspace and never intercourse, I know this from having read their chats).He accused me of having had my own A with a C a few years back. I was completely shocked as I had no idea he had ever believed this, he has never mentioned it nor showed during the time he had thought it had been going on any sort of signs of it disturbing him.

I had had what I would have thought of as a slight crush on a colleague, but since 'nothing ever happened between us' I had never considered it being anything more than perhaps a slightly inappropriate friendship, a passing crush I decided to ignore, it would pass, but far from anything even resembling an A. A chance I never took. I basically just blew WH attempts to bring this up off as a way to deflect from his PA and try to make me almost as bad as him. I wasn't having any of that. We discussed his believes about what had transpired and I explained that nothing HAD in fact ever happened between us not a single kiss, no hand holding, nothing. Not even when drunk at parties or when travelling for work over seas to a conferences. Nothing ever did happen.

Throughout the year however he has continued to bring this up and I have been so focused on the fact that I would not let him try to deflect or explain away his A by attempting to make me a co-cheater of any sorts that I've not really been willing to put any deeper thoughts into my own actions a few years back.

However, in my IC I have lately started to discuss these things and now I'm starting to wonder. Could I, in fact, have had an EA without understanding that that's what it was? EAs weren't really in my vocabulary before becoming a BW myself, I guess I just figured if you were married many decades, at one point or the other both would likely find other people attractive perhaps have a short crush, but the main thing was not to act on it and it would pass. And that's what I figured this had been, for me. Now I'm starting to see that in many ways, it did fill the 'criteria' if you will, for an EA. Where does one draw the line? And who gets to decide, me or the H who feels betrayed?

What was, was a friendship that I truly enjoyed, there was mutual attraction and some sexual tension but none of that was EVER acted upon, it was never discussed nor acknowledged, it was just like a silent mutual understanding that it's there but nothing can ever happen. And nothing ever did. Complete respect for my marriage (C was single at the time but had been betrayed in his previous marriage, I believe this kept him from ever trying anything). There was the occasional friendly hug or pat on the back, some touchy feely stuff perhaps (non sexual) but always in other people's proximity, never any suggestive sexual touching of any sort. We never ever discussed any feelings we might have had for one another, it was more just friendly banter, almost sibling-like bickering in some ways but definitely with a sexual undertone always present but never acknowledged. We spent lots of time together as we worked on projects together and we did during that year we were working closely spend hours chatting and on the phone during evenings and weekends. We did get extremely close and discussed life deeper issues always. Supported each other in life. Was I interested? yes. Did I contemplate leaving my H for him, yes, I fought with thoughts of that for a long time but I decided against it as I always felt I loved my H and was not willing to leave him for my C and so I never acted on any feelings, and obviously never discussed them with my C either. This is why I have thought it was NOT an EA because there was no secrecy, I spoke to my C on the phone always in front of H, he knew I was chatting with him, I never deleted anything, hid anything because it wasn't affair-like in my opinion. Also no feelings or desires were ever discussed, acknowledged or acted on. It was just this 'knowing' that it was there I guess. But he did become my first go-to in many things in life, even before or completely parallell to my H. And when we traveled for work together, even though nothing ever happened between us, it almost felt like going on a trip as a couple. We shared many interests and values my H and I do not and I loved having someone to share. these things with. I felt seen, valued and like someone was attracted to me. There were lot's of compliments and jokes about how I was too good looking for my H.

My H feels it was an EA because he says it was obvious to anyone in the same room as the two of us (me and my C) that we had crushes on each other, that it was just so clear to him that any time he saw us together or heard me talk over the phone that we had feelings for each other. He's not wrong I guess, but now I'm struggling with the question, did I in fact have an EA without understanding that that's what It was, and so are we MH's really? Obviously this has been eating at my H for three years prior to his own A and he has said in MC that he partly justified it to himself with thinking he wasn't doing anything I hadn't already done. But here's the thing. I'm willing to take a long hard look at myself and my actions and how they may have had e negative effect on our M and what later transpired. But I don't want to fall into the trap of letting him deflect or blame.shift by making me feel I've done something I haven't done. Does that make sense? How do I know I'm starting to have insight and not just being manipulated I guess?

41 comments posted: Friday, November 10th, 2023

What do you do when you realise you may need to check yourself?

So I've been lurking around the forums for almost 11 months now since my DD but have not posted previously. I have been on here enough to know that this question may provoke answers that tell me even asking this question means my WW has not 'gotten it' or that I have a lousy IC etc. I'd like to heed answers of that type with saying to begin with that I am well aware of the risk of wanting to rug sweep (believe me, there has been NONE of that in our case and there will never be at a later point either), I've read all the books recommended, I've seen hundreds of hours of videos on the topic and I have come down HARD on my WW since DD and still am. There are no blinders on here. And I guess that's where I'm starting to question. What if I as a BP am starting to realise that I, might, in fact, be the largest hinder to R at the moment, even though I want nothing more?

Morning after DD WH immediately ended his 2,5 month long EA + PA in an email I got to read first where he left no doubt as to that he meant it and wants to R with his wife and family. He has been NC since. They work at the same office but on different floors and have avoided each other since and he has since been applying for new jobs every week as per my request as a non-negotiable that he switch jobs, however we live in a small town with slim opportunities for his field so so far no luck, he has even applied out of country, still hoping something will turn up. We started MC immediately (we were already in it for a year before the A)and are still in it, I was already in IC due to childhood trauma, he has started IC as well. We've done the books, watched the videos, talked, talked, talked. Mostly I have raged, screamed, cried and been in complete PTSD mode. It's been really bad, as I've had trauma from previously and also previous betrayal trauma this was a hit I was unable to cope with in any form or way. We've got the tracking apps, complete transparency, changed behaviour consistent over time etc.
Basically he's 'done it all' as is often stated, no not perfectly, he gets defensive and drops into shame spirals easily and obviously it's still pretty early days. But all in all, I would say things are going and working 'adequately' for the situation. We both wanted R immediately, none of us has really doubted that at any moment. He has not apart from maybe the first 24h tried to blame me or our marriage (that WAS in deed in a lot of trouble we were already in MC befor the affair) for it. He has fully 'owned' it whatever that means for people.

I am starting to realise, after discussing this at some length in my IC mostly, that I myself may now have become my own worst enemy in hindering my recovery from this pain. He has done and said everything he possibly could I believe to aid any R and help me in my recovery from this hell. But I am really stuck in anger, punishing him as good as daily with rage an verbal abuse. I have really let him have it for the entire time and he has mostly put up with all my raging and acting like a complete crazy person for 10+ months, setting some boundaries a few times only when I admittedly went too far with the verbal abuse. Most days I'm writing him 50+ messages asking a million gazillion questions he's answered every single time before, and just flooding, and I feel like I could really need some advise on how to start seeing him as an equal again and not JUST as the low life POS as I am now seeing, and treating him. And yes, I am sure it's R I want, for some mad reason I still love this low life. And I am just not ready to give up 20+ years of marriage for a number of reasons. I believe we can actually be one of this unicorn couples, we've been through a lot of difficult things in life together over the years (non-relationship related).
I've understood the part of me needing to heal myself since day one so hence IC every week, EMDR, EFT tapping, mindfulness, I work out 4 times per week, lots of self care, journaling, you name it. But how do I start working with myself on seeing him more as a flawed human again and not just a monster and the reason for my pain? How does one start accepting this, REALLY accepting, that this is now part of my story, our story and not punish him every moment of every day for that? How does one start letting go of the bitterness, need to hurt back, need for justice that can never be? I know I'm in deep than some due to my significant trauma from before so I may need more time as well, but any advice would be much appreciated also.

26 comments posted: Sunday, October 15th, 2023