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How many of the WS's here (and BS's too) have been able to go a whole day recently without talking about the A or As?

How many of you have actually had an entire day when it was just about you and your BS and you talked about your future with hope and opportunity?

What I wouldn't give for just one day of it being about the two of US and not the OW...I need peace.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 8:30 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

I bet your wife feels the same. She hates that she has to have these thoughts,this pain.

Your wife is still processing. A three year affair will take her years to process, heal.

You would rather what? She just stop talking to you about it, so you can have peace?

She wants peace too.

She isn't talking about it to hurt you. She is talking about it,because it is poison inside of her, eating away, and if she doesn't get it out, it will kill her.

I have a husband who thinks, that years out, we should never talk about it. Man,what I wouldn't give for him to have never cheated, and never brought this shit into our lives. But he did. So I will talk about it, when I need to.

Consequences. For him. And for me, for choosing to stay married to him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:46 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

I know HellFire, and I'm there for her...just want one day, just one!

*raises hand*

ETA: Didn't you, as well, for years before the trigger of your XGF moving in down the street? At that point, you said you were willing to sell your house and move just to make your wife feel more secure. Was that bluster, or if not, why the change? Moving is far more disruptive than talking.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:27 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

You brought this lack of peace into both of your lives. Your options are to live with the consequences of seeing the pain your wife deals on a daily basis because of your choices, or divorce her. Either way your wife is still going to hurt like hell.

As a BS, I so feel this, as does I’m sure my WH does. I’m tired of thinking of the hurt he caused, and i bet he’s tired of being reminded of the hurt he caused. There was a short time after taking a break from SI that things were better and we didn’t discuss it as much. This last week has been hard due to a really horrible dream I had that jolted me back to reality, made worse by work stress and schools going to remote learning. When it’s a combination of stresses, it’s that much harder to have a good day, affair free.

I realize that doesn’t really help. Are there other stresses right now? Was it made worse by a recent event (forgive me if you already explained that elsewhere)? Have you had good days, or is this the norm? Is she on SI or another site? If so, maybe it’s time to take a break from it. It really did wonders for me. I am back, but have to watch that I’m not falling back into the triggers and anger I was having before.

She isn't talking about it to hurt you. She is talking about it,because it is poison inside of her, eating away, and if she doesn't get it out, it will kill her.

This is spot on. It bubbles over until it has to go someplace. I’m sure you remember that feeling after her affair.

We ALL wish that.

But given your last few posts....I am.pretty sure that your attitude towards your wife has been less than supportive or kind.

Her pain is an inconvenience to you...and you make it extremely clear.

You actually remind me if my husband...the superficial remorse that is only displayed when he "feels bad" and him "feeling bad" is enough...or so he thinks.

He continues to feel bad...as I LEFT. While I have struggled emotionally...I am getting better and better.

Financially...I am flourishing

Mentally...I am in therapy, working towards my doctorate (4 classes to go)

Improving my relationships with friends, family and especially my children.

I certainly hope your wife.processes her anger... But I'm not sure you should.

The less angry I am...the less I give a fuck whether he fixes his shit or not.

He wants to share blame about his crap...sure

It my fault his needs weren't met...sure

He is tired of talking about it...fine.

One day she may very well not think about it...but if I were you I would be concerned that if that day does come it will be she sees peace ..without you.

She isn't talking about it to hurt you. She is talking about it,because it is poison inside of her, eating away, and if she doesn't get it out, it will kill her.

This. Everything about this. There has never been a more accurate description.

I survived 4.5 year LTA with multiple DDays because they went underground.

Then - I had 2 years of peace. 2 years where it wasn't on my mind every nanosecond. 2 years where I stopped crying in parking lots because it was overwhelming. 2 years of minimal panic attacks because I saw someone who slightly resembled LTAP. 2 years of crawling myself back up from the Pit of Despair. 2 years of healing me. 2 years of healing our marriage.

ETA - due to so much healing, we also had long day/weeks long stretches where we didn't talk of the LTA nor was it in the forefront of my mind. Triggers were minimal. Nightmares and panic attacks stopped. It was a good time.

Then - BAM! LTAP tried to come back. We realized LTAP had been cyberstalking all this time. LTAP tried to insert herself again. Fake profiles.

Back to - Informing OBS. Hiring an attorney - cease and desist letter. And I AM WORSE OFF THAN I WAS BEFORE.

Now in my case, I am "lucky". WH is empathetic. WH is encouraging me to do what I need to do to heal myself again - even if it is letting all my pent up emotions out on him. WH understanding he caused this pain.

I have spent countless hours on the phone [again sobbing in parking lots] due to the stress of this. I have IC set up again. I am not OK.

I can tell you MyAndI - what you want right now is still part of FantasyLand. There is not magic wand that will undo her pain. There is no "do over" button. You can't all just get along and be friends. You can't tell her that this doesn't give her the right to hurt. Your expectations in this situation are in no way based in the reality of it.

And please - if she keeps getting the unspoken message of "can't you just shut up and get the fu*k over it" you may find yourself alone.

[This message edited by Chaos at 7:23 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

One day she may very well not think about it...but if I were you I would be concerned that if that day does come it will be she sees peace ..without you.

My H and I had this talk once, but completely unrelated to infidelity. He was working in a family business, and he and his father were butting heads constantly. It was spilling over into our relationship, because his default mode was angry, dismissive and confrontational. It went on for months and was only getting worse. I kept trying to talk to him about it, but it was never a good time -- not before work, not after work, not at dinner, not at bedtime. Finally, we had a climactic fight on a Saturday in a Home Depot parking lot. I told him that I was going to keep pushing, but that when and if I stopped, he shouldn't be relieved. That's when he should get scared, because it meant that I was giving up on fixing things between us.

“Well, well, well... if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.”

I know it sucks. It sucks for her too, trust me. I’m confident my WH felt the same way. Unfortunately, it takes a long time until a betrayed can even go a few minutes without thinking about the A, let alone a whole day. And even if it’s not super fun, you WANT her talking to you about it. It’s a good sign she is processing everything, and actually including you in it. She certainly doesn’t have to. She could detach and withdraw, and if you’re wanting R, that’s the last thing you want to happen.

Hang in there. It won’t be this way forever, but it is definitely a marathon and not a sprint. Even though you caused all of this, I understand the road to reconciliation isn’t easy for you either. It would be disingenuous to say otherwise. I would suggest you do not share your frustrations about this with her. This is something you’ll have to take on the chin. Please be patient and kind. The opposite will only prolong this part of the healing process.

789 days ago I found out my devoted H of 20 years violated our life and essentially ended the marriage we had. During that 789 days I have been retraumatized more times than I remember by lies about his A, triggers in our neighbourhood, and triggers of the AP. She has not attempted to contact him since 2019, but has shown up at his workplace to visit with friends. Each visit has resulted in my recovery taking so many backward steps.

I can only remember 3 days out of 789 that I have not woken up with thoughts of this nightmare I am living. It is woven into my soul. I am so grateful that my FWH is making every effort to help me heal and not rejecting my need to discuss it whenever I need to (which is often). I don’t have detail questions like I used to, except after a visit, then I am back at square one trying to figure out everything again. I am faster to get back to the present than I used to be.

We talk about our future all the time. We make new connections with each other. While that is happening I feel comfortable to express my fears and vulnerabilities about planning a future with him. How I am afraid he will abandon our relationship again.

What I wouldn’t give to not be living this nightmare for the last 789 days. What I wouldn’t give to wake up and live a day without fear. What I wouldn’t give to wake up and have peace. What I wouldn’t give to have the ghost of the AP out of my brain.

Again. I am grateful to have a FWH who is willing to hold me through all of the bad times in this nightmare he created. He’s not great at it, but he’s getting better every day.

Perhaps, MyAndI, it is up to you to create days about the two of you. (Without expectation or judgement if it doesn’t go as well as you hope) Show her your devotion and your willingness to be present in her pain when she shines a light on the OW that you brought into her life. She is hurting so much right now. You keep saying that you are there for her, but your words on this site say otherwise and that would lead me to think that she can feel that too. She is hurting and afraid. I feel sad for both of you. You are suffering.

I wish for you both to have peace.

5 years out, and still in R. We still talk about the betrayal on a near-daily basis. Our talks these days are different than they were when we were in the same spot in the recovery timeline as you are. We both initiate these days. Typically that begins with something we saw on SI and then we end up discussing our thoughts and experiences on whatever topic that is.

Hang in there MyandI. This process is hard, long and slow and seems impossible to survive sometimes. But if you put in the work, you may be very surprised at just how much things can change.

What I came here to tell you is that, not only is it possible for a day to go by without talking about the A, but more importantly, talking about the A can become something positive and even desired. Talking about the A is how you ultimately heal from it, and vice-versa, both of you. It is how we understand ourselves better, and how we understand our relationships better.

I'd also like to add that NOT talking about the A is about as bad as it gets. When the conversation itself is off the table, that is a sign that forward movement has stopped.

I know it is hard to imagine right now, because your life and your marriage may feel like a war right now, like a daily battle, and each side is simultaneously trying to win the war, but also survive the battle. But when the war is over, then both sides have the ability to come together again as equals, and see what has transpired not as a war, but as a shared history. The truth is, infidelity is a story both of you share. It is a common experience you both understand and had a part in. Warriors who survive war seek out other warriors. Cancer patients who made it seek out other cancer patients. Survivors of trauma seek out others who understand, and who experienced similar traumas. In this case, you and your wife shared the same trauma, the same story, and this can be a bond for both of you. It just needs to stop being a war first, and in order to do so, we must first look to ourselves. When you can talk about the infidelity, not as adversaries, but as survivors, then the conversations will change. "You did (this) to me..." is no longer heard as a statement of blame but as a recounting of history, a statement of fact, a discussion of memory. When the war is on, we answer that charge with defensiveness and anger, such as, "When are going to stop rubbing it in my face? I said I'm sorry!" and it changes to, "Yes, I remember that, and I remember how much it hurt you when I did that. I don't know how you managed to survive that? I just wasn't capable of being compassionate then, I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see yours. I was going to do what I wanted to, and like a fool, I did. I'm sorry for being an ass. But I'm glad we can talk about it now."

Infidelity CAN be a gift of sorts, if you allow it to be. It is a failure that exposes our deepest flaws and most broken parts of ourselves. If we use that to define ourselves as "bad people" then the war is lost before it even begins. Used to find, fix and replace those flaws, we can end up not only loving ourselves more, but building new skills of communication and understanding with our spouses that allow for something more beautiful to grow. It really CAN happen (I'm not saying it WILL, but it CAN). We can choose to allow the old marriage to die, and to create a new one from scratch. One you create together, with vision and purpose.

Our first marriage counselor (the one we used after my affair) suggested we do small breaks to take a quick trip or date. During that time our focus was supposed to be on just reconnecting and enjoying our time together. We were pretty successful with that. We would go on a long weekend trip once a quarter, and once a month we would spend the day together doing something we used to enjoy together. It was hard to continue during COVID, but I think it's important to have some time to just be together and let it go for a very short period of time.

I do not think there has been one single day over the last 4 years that I haven't thought about my affair though. Over the past year, I have had some days that are pretty good on that end and it might be just a few passing thoughts in a day. H and I have been very focused on a few goals we have together, and I had a day recently where I just ignored his affair as much as I could for the day. People need breaks, on that you are right. Not permanent ones until everyone feels ready and healed, but small ones to reconnect and remember things you like about yourself and each other. H and I are re-engaing that practice now and just came off the first weekend we have tried that since his affair. I would say it went really well, and we put in some new connectors that I think we will continue to be mindful of moving forward.

I’ve had 8 or so years of not talking about it. That is because my H chose to not talk about it, though.

Not thinking about it? Occasionally a day or so will slip by here and there.

As a BS - no there is not a day where I don't think about my WH's As. I can't speak for him.

One day she may very well not think about it...but if I were you I would be concerned that if that day does come it will be she sees peace ..without you.

if she keeps getting the unspoken message of "can't you just shut up and get the fu*k over it" you may find yourself alone.

I told him that I was going to keep pushing, but that when and if I stopped, he shouldn't be relieved. That's when he should get scared, because it meant that I was giving up on fixing things between us.

She could detach and withdraw, and if you’re wanting R, that’s the last thing you want to happen.

NOT talking about the A is about as bad as it gets. When the conversation itself is off the table, that is a sign that forward movement has stopped.

Can you see the theme here? Not Just Friends -and, I think, How to Help Your Spouse Heal - addresses this. If you don't talk about it, it festers, and grows into a chasm that is not able to be bridged.

My WH won't talk about the infidelity, and I've given up even trying to talk about it - its too effing vulnerable with someone who is too effing selfish. So, if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. And when the D is filed, you won't ever have to talk about it again.

IOW- be careful what you wish for

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:40 AM, April 13th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

Betrayed here

I gave my WGF lots of days when we didn’t talk about it because it was too uncomfortable for her and the process of trying to get her to talk about it was a serious battle

Upshot is that we are now separating

Agree with the post above entirely

Be careful what you wish for.

This is an area I really struggle with. The pain of what I have done is always there. I have and still struggle with talking about the affairs and rarely bring them up in conversation. When BS and I are having a good day I hate the thought of "spoiling" it by bringing up the past. I know this is stupid and I am working on this.

As recently as this weekend the subject of me avoiding the subject came up....Of course BS was correct. I have been focusing on my recovery and our reconnection. I have neglected the simple things like SI, our "daily download" my thoughts and feeling, my progress with IC. These things are easy to bring into our lives, but hard to follow through on. I am making improvements to my way of working through R. I know it is hard, but you need to do the same.

The advice already given on this tread is invaluable MyAndI, please listen to it. There are days when things are better. BS and I have a weekly date night (No iPhones or iPads and no TV). I cook dinner and we enjoy time just the two of us. Maybe watch a movie or play games. I have assured BS she can ask questions or discuss anything at any time. Recently I have been woken up at three in the morning. I'm happy to be woken up when BS has a nightmare (Since I have been "receptive" to these, the bad dreams have decreased). I now do the same if I'm struggling to sleep. Usually just a cuddle is sufficient. It has taken me a long time to get to this position and it is easy to slip backwards. I know I think about my actions every day. I know my BS does the same, every minute of every day. Hopefully with continued talking and working, with help from IC, with acceptance of what I have done and with my constant vigilance to not slip back into ignoring then things will improve.

MyAndI stick with it, stick with SI and keep working on yourself. You cannot help your BS before you do some work on yourself. Peace will come eventually, I believe it will for BS and myself, but much work is needed before this.

At the moment "just one day" is probably dangerous for you. One day turns into two, into five and so on. All the while BS is still constantly traumatised. there is no "just one day" for your BS (yet).

She isn't talking about it to hurt you. She is talking about it,because it is poison inside of her, eating away, and if she doesn't get it out, it will kill her.

THIS IS IMPORTANT. It took me so long for this to sink in.

Oh, it’s really easy for us to go a day or a week or a month without talking about the affair.

We talk about the affair if I initiate the conversation.

If I don’t initiate an affair related conversation, we don’t talk about the affair.

So, every day I don’t bring it up, she doesn’t either. We can go days at a time not talking about it.

For any WW reading this, I don’t recommend this as a path. I would much rather my wife at least once in a while brought it up, to let me know that she, too, carries this burden.

What would you do with this "one day?"