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Question to the BS

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Anna123 posted 9/29/2020 15:39 PM

A very good friend, who was one of my main 'Rocks' during infidelity, cheated on her husband as an exit affair a few years earlier. She is clear that she regrets it, and even more clear that I needed to be clear about what my ex was at the time, even when I was being weak. She is with a new man now and I believe she would never cheat again. She tells me all sorts of stories about her past and how her mind used to work and how she thinks differently now. She is self-reflective and it is clear she has matured.

On the other hand, I have met a handful of Cheater-type remarried or coupled up divorced women and I am appalled by them. The give away is when they speak viciously about their man's ex wives 'not getting over it'. Grrrrr. One was even showing pictures of the ex wife saying how unattractive she was. WTH????? I keep away because otherwise I would be ill.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 3:39 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 9/29/2020 15:49 PM

As a WS, I would not have a male friend, but I am married. Any male friends I have would be just people my husband and I know and socialize with together.

It sounds like to me that neither of you are still married. If that is the case, there is no reason you can't be friends with her if she seems like an okay person to you. No two WS's are alike, we are not all narcissists or self centered, some people change some people don't.

I would say since she has a boyfriend if she got to telling you about their relationship or problems, run...run very far away. And, I don't know, do you work with her or something? How are you spending time with this person?

20yrsagoBS posted 9/29/2020 19:08 PM

Honestly?


No, I donít think I could.


I did forgive my WH after his first attempt at cheating.

I thought we were friends, were reconciled, and on the same page.


But then he cheated more.


He may not be the picture of the average Cheater, but the evilness of his behavior definitely soured me on opening my life to more of them

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 9/29/2020 19:24 PM

Not a current wayward or AP.

somejaykid posted 10/1/2020 20:08 PM

sorry for the super late response guys been busy with work and kids, thanks for all the inputs I appreciate it

As a WS, I would not have a male friend, but I am married. Any male friends I have would be just people my husband and I know and socialize with together.
It sounds like to me that neither of you are still married. If that is the case, there is no reason you can't be friends with her if she seems like an okay person to you. No two WS's are alike, we are not all narcissists or self centered, some people change some people don't.

I would say since she has a boyfriend if she got to telling you about their relationship or problems, run...run very far away. And, I don't know, do you work with her or something? How are you spending time with this person?

well I'm officially divorced 9 months ago and in the slow process of healing myself and by the way I'm not the WS I'm the BS. I know for sure she's still married to her husband but separated as of right now which It still blows my mind that people would go find a new relationship with people while they are still married, why can't they just wait until the divorce is done then go look for a new boyfriend/girlfriend. to me that really tells me that you have such a low value and moral of yourself that's just me though.

we work at the same building but different departments. when I go outside for some fresh air I would sometimes see her and then that's when we start talking about how are day is going.

as of her telling me with her new relationship with the new guy and having problems why would I run away?. she would ask me sometimes about her problems with her husband and I would give her advice about it, I guess she want's to know the mind of a BS thinking

CaptainRogers posted 10/1/2020 20:30 PM

It is an interesting question. As someone said earlier, I have obviously met a number of WS through interactions at SI. A couple have moved into that realm of friend rather than internet stranger. The folks whom I have known here seem much different, perhaps more transparent, than those whom I know IRL.

As an example, on of my business partners is also a BS. His wife's A was 25 years ago. We talk about those scars that are still carried, even 25 years out.

But I don't look at his spouse as a horrible human being. One way or another, I will be paying her for his portion of the practice one day, whether directly or indirectly. But I don't think of her as someone that I do not want to be around. Though, I can also say that I don't see her as anything more than a casual acquaintance, either.

My former colleague, however, I will never be around (if I can help it). She is a WW who was hooking up with APs during the work day. Another former colleague not only helped facilitate the "meetings" but also covered up for the WWs actions if her husband or son called the office.

I lost all respect for the colleague when I learned what she was doing. There is no reparation in that relationship.

So, to answer the overall question of whether a BS can be friends with a WS, I would say that it depends.

Hedwig posted 10/4/2020 04:50 AM

A "friend" told me how she flirted and kissed a guy who she knew had a girlfriend, only a couple weeks/months after my own Dday, which she saw firsthand how awful that was. I dropped her as a friend in July because she was toxic, in more ways that this one.

A former colleague told me she was cheating on her husband after me telling her I broke up my relationship because my EX cheated. (like wtf?) I urged her to tell her husband, really tried to bring the message home that the only way out of this mess is to be honest. After that I went no contact with her and another former colleague who encouraged her because 'she deserved it'.

After breaking up with my regretful but unremorseful cheater, I just can't tolerate people with a wayward mindset. The person I loved the most is not even welcome in my life anymore because of those shenanigans, why the f would I tolerate any other people?

I do think it's different if they are former wayward, I just don't know any in real life.

OwningItNow posted 10/4/2020 06:08 AM

A very good friend, who was one of my main 'Rocks' during infidelity, cheated on her husband as an exit affair a few years earlier. She is clear that she regrets it, and even more clear that I needed to be clear about what my ex was at the time, even when I was being weak. She is with a new man now and I believe she would never cheat again. She tells me all sorts of stories about her past and how her mind used to work and how she thinks differently now. She is self-reflective and it is clear she has matured.

On the other hand, I have met a handful of Cheater-type remarried or coupled up divorced women and I am appalled by them. The give away is when they speak viciously about their man's ex wives 'not getting over it'. Grrrrr. One was even showing pictures of the ex wife saying how unattractive she was. WTH????? I keep away because otherwise I would be ill.

I think this post by Anna123 is the best way to handle this all (if I ran the world. Lol) because she saying that she judges people by their moral fabric and behaviors right now, making smart decisions about who to trust and who to support. We vote with our feet, right? So keep away from toxic people, as she does, because they are not good for our mental health. Keep some distance; certainly don't trust or support them. But do support people who are growing and working to make good decisions and treat people well. Do enjoy the company of people who are making healthy choices and walking the walk because we will find a lot of joy with them.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 10/4/2020 07:06 AM

This is an interesting question. I have and will continue to be friends with WS's - I mean my own WS is one of them.

At first I was going to respond by indicating that I wouldn't want to be friends with a WS who is actively cheating. But then I thought about it and I think it would depend on that person's ability to understand the impact of their actions. I would and have been blunt about the impact of such behavior.

One of my very best friends is a nightmare to us...she has been an AP for many men for years. We've had lots and lots and lots of discussions - very open - and we are both clear on the cognitive dissonance that consumes the mind of an AP and WS. What she knows now is the incredible, indelible impact it has on all parties and the level of hubris it takes to engage in such clandestine behavior. This person has also helped me through the toughest times in my life.

Humans are complicated. I believe, as others have said here, character matters and I wouldn't want to associate with someone who has no ability to empathize nor the desire to strive to be better and do better.

Striver posted 10/4/2020 22:13 PM

One of my very best friends is a nightmare to us...she has been an AP for many men for years. We've had lots and lots and lots of discussions - very open - and we are both clear on the cognitive dissonance that consumes the mind of an AP and WS. What she knows now is the incredible, indelible impact it has on all parties and the level of hubris it takes to engage in such clandestine behavior. This person has also helped me through the toughest times in my life.

Her helping you out doesn't make up for her sins against others. She needs to make restitution for what she has taken from others.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/4/2020 23:38 PM

I just renewed a friendship with someone I was extremely close to. She was one of my very best friends. For decades. We shared everything. We were friends when we were both single. We both got married. Years later, and were still great friends, she becomes a WW. I didn't like it, I tried to talk to her about how it was wrong. I didn't know at the very same time I was being betrayed my by very own WH. Didn't know that until many years later.

Anyway, she started sucking me into her affair. She wanted me to call her MM and give him a message for her. I realized I couldn't be friends with her. I ended it. She told me I was judgmental. Her husband knew what she was doing, they still lived together, but were getting divorced. But, her BF was a MM and his BW didn't know anything.

Anyway, many years have passed. We have picked up our friendship. She is married to a different man. I hope she is faithful. They seem to be a perfect match and very happy. We are definitely not as close as we once were. We never will be. But, I am glad we have a relationship again. I did miss her.

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