somejaykid posted 9/26/2020 08:38 AM

alright guys got a question here for the BS, can you be friends with a WS not your WS but a different WS. I have this situation that I told this person my story that my ex wife cheated on me years ago and this person admitted to me that she cheated on her BH. she told me that she is very remorseful about what she did to him. I gave gave her my opinion about it as a BH. months goes by and come to find out she's already have a boyfriend I didn't ask her how is her husband doing it's not my place. right now I don't know how to feel about this situation I wanted to tell her why not just go divorce the poor guy and wait a year before committing to another relationship. right now my emotions is a wreck I feel horrible for her BS I don't know him but back then the way she would tell me her story is that the husband is really sad about the whole thing which is very understandable. what you guys do in this situation?

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 9/26/2020 09:34 AM

Currently, no. It doesn't mean I must have ill will for a WS I may know. But I can't be a "friend" with one either. Maybe this will change in the future.

DragnHeart posted 9/26/2020 09:48 AM

I just found out that a friend of mine cheated on her fiance. I'm also friends him him. I cant bring myself to keep talking to her now. Shes moved out and is with the bf.

I think as a BS it's just to hard to remain friends with someone with such shitty morals.

Stinger posted 9/26/2020 09:53 AM

The folks I know who have cheated seem to all be narcissists or borderline. So, I avoid them. They make toxic friends.

99problems posted 9/26/2020 10:07 AM

She probably only told you to break boundaries with you so you could be a possible future ego supply. I'd be careful.

sisoon posted 9/26/2020 10:30 AM

Through SI, I've met a number of former WSes who are great people. A number of BSes have met my W and seem to have accepted her. I've also met a couple of WSes in false R.

A former WS is just plain different from a (current or false R) WS. The fakes are just somehow creepy. The true formers are regular people.

IOW, I think it's easy to be friends with a former WS, a WS who has healed and has good boundaries. I suspect it's impossible to be friends with a current WS.

Justsomeguy posted 9/27/2020 11:51 AM

I'm all over the map on this. My BFF cheated on his wife and got D. We gave been friendscfor 35 years, but I tell him he was a shithead and call him out. It was only when I went through my stbxww's cheating that he finally got what he had done to his BS. She's not blameless in the M by any stretch, but the A is all on him. I tell him that whenever he tries to blame shift.

He is a good person at heart, but broken in some areas. This has really screwed me up, as I like a simple binary view of WSs. They are bad people. My false belief makes things easier, but it is pure shit.

That being said, I would not be friends with a current WW or an unremorsefull WW. I can only do one. This has also somewhat softened my view of my STBXWW. dont get me wrong, she is still a toxic, self centered narc, but that is not all she is.

Striver posted 9/27/2020 14:17 PM

I am not really worried about any WS, remorseful or not.

The common element with ALL WS is that they think more of themselves than is warranted. Honestly, it works in life. People buy it. That's why they don't need my help.

They may not be complete monsters, but frankly, they already have enough help. I'd focus my concerns elsewhere.

DragnHeart posted 9/27/2020 14:25 PM

A former WS is just plain different from a (current or false R) WS. The fakes are just somehow creepy. The true formers are regular people.

This is a really good point!

I know former waywards that I dont see as waywards. Theres definitely a difference. That person I mentioned before isnt a former wayward though. Shes full on wayward. With no remorse for what shes done to her ex fiance.

Underserving posted 9/27/2020 15:02 PM

I agree that I could not be friends with a WS while they were active in any type of A, or in any way minimized or encouraged cheating behaviors.

My mom was a WS, BS, and OW. This all happened 20+ years ago. She is in no way the same broken woman who allowed herself to make those terrible decisions. She is my prime example that being unfaithful doesn’t make someone irredeemable.

My dad was also a WS. 1 full on A, and countless other emotional. I love him as a father, but he will likely always have the wayward mindset. I honestly hope he never remarries for this reason. He STIlL won’t take full responsibility for all of his transgression. If he wasn’t my dad, I wouldn’t care to know him.

I know quite a few wayward spouses. Some you can tell have changed, and they’re the first ones to speak on how devastating infidelity is. My WH has a friend who was unfaithful to his wife 10 years ago, and has been a good support for my husband through all of this. I trust him. If I didn’t, I’d never encourage the friendship. Some you can tell haven’t changed, and I’m just waiting for another d-day for their poor wives. Or a first one with their new wives I only know one WW, she is the wife of my husbands friend I mentioned earlier. She Madhattered a few years later. They have been super transparent on how awful all of that was. They’re actually getting a divorce now. While they have been open about the impact their infidelity had, I think they rugswept much of it, and never got their communication issues fixed. It’s sad for me they’re now divorcing. They were a hope to me.

Anyways, I don’t think infidelity is the ultimate sin that no one can ever change or grow from. It’s the ones who don’t change you should stay the hell away from.

gmc94 posted 9/27/2020 15:58 PM

I can be friends with a FORMER WS.... but I just can't do it with someone currently cheating.

One of my friendly acquaintances (whose husband died suddenly right around my dday) recently told me she was sleeping with an old BF -who is M. I suspect my attempts at poker face when she told me were not very successful....

I can't really tolerate being around her any more, and this has created discomfort w/in my social circle. I like her - but just can't be around someone willing to sleep with a MM and can't see the harm they are doing.

oldtruck posted 9/27/2020 16:20 PM

cannot be friends with a current WS and i would tell their BS.

LadyG posted 9/27/2020 17:51 PM

I would drop friends if I discovered they were cheating.

Even long term friendships ended. That was just my way of saying, ‘I am not like you. I do not want that in my life and I will not keep your dirty secrets’.

My mother is a cheater and I severed ties with her when I was 18.

This0is0Fine posted 9/27/2020 21:21 PM

I don't know if I hold the record, but I outed three WW that weren't mine. If I ever meet a WS, BS will know.

OwningItNow posted 9/27/2020 22:50 PM

This has also somewhat softened my view of my STBXWW. dont get me wrong, she is still a toxic, self centered narc, but that is not all she is.

This really warmed my heart. Such a generous and compassionate statement. I wish more people could be so open-minded when they have been wronged, even eventually. It's not easy to do.

standinghere posted 9/28/2020 01:59 AM

It depends, is this a "FWS" who has changed, or an actively "WS"?

I'm not friends with people who play around with firearms, drive drunk, steal, use illegal drugs, etc.

I'm friends which people who have done all of the above in the past, but who no longer do it.

I've already got enough drama in my life.

OrdinaryDude posted 9/28/2020 02:11 AM

So she’s an active cheater?

That would be a big fat nope....wouldn’t give her the time of day.

TwoDozen posted 9/28/2020 03:44 AM

Have posted about this elsewhere

My main and only source of support other than my IC was my BFF of over 35 years. BFF had multiple ONS during the early days of his M to his current wife. He never told me about them because he always knew how I felt about it and it never got in the way of our friendship (we are like brothers) his BS has no idea or not that I am aware of.

Those days are behind him or have been for a long time I couldn’t say he is safe but he is not actively C as far as I know.

I’m fairly sure that my current predicament has made him feel like a right POS

I have had days where I have thought about cutting ties with everyone I know that has C on their significant other. But that would be a lot of people

WGF
SIL 2 year EA/PA until AP killed himself, rugswept and still together 5 years later. BIL knows but has never asked her a single question about it.
MIL ONS rugswept still together 30 years later
FIL multiple ONS ignored / rugswept as above
Father multiple PAs then left for latest AP, then did it again and again to his later partners I have no real relationship with him since I left home 30 years ago, but we send birthday cards etc.
BFF multiple ONS never confessed.

These are just in my inner circle.

It’s surprising really that I ever thought I might escape this and when you look at the statistics approximately half the couples I know at least one of them must have cheated yet I don’t know any couples that have split except one my brother and his former wife and that was not because of cheating.

I guess I would say today that I would drop anyone who was actively cheating (yes including my GF and BFF if they did it again) but if I ghosted everyone who had ever cheated I think I’d end up a very isolated / lonely person.

36yearsgone posted 9/29/2020 13:58 PM

I am so anti-infidelity that I could never be friends (I could be kind and friendly) with any WS actively involved in infidelity.

As for former WS's, I think the word former needs a clear definition. Have they told their BS? Have they gone totally NC with their AP(s)? Do they now have a character free of behaviors that led to their cheating.

Granted, I can't possibly know all of the above, but if I knew of the affair and was willing to consider a "friend" type of relationship, I would ask about where they find themselves now.

I am in no way a cruel, unforgiving person. But I do have high standards of character for myself. I prefer to have friends who also have high personal standards and good character. Active WS's have neither. Inactive WS's are still questionable. Former WS's, who have done the work and redeemed themselves...I can support.

I have enough problems dealing with my formerly WS.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 9/29/2020 15:00 PM

Yes, one of my best friends (since I was a child) cheated on her husband. She had a 1 year PA/EA with a co-worker (they did not work at the same location - were states apart and met up on work-trips etc). She is still one of my best friends now, 12 years after her own A (she and her BS reconciled and are still together). I did not know about the A at the time it was going on and learned about it from her about a year after it was over (she was caught, it was the same horrible bullshit most of us go through post dday but before that it had been a secret 100%). Ironically she was the one person who was there for me during all of this infidelity crap, and she never made excuses for her A or my WH's A and never tried to talk me in or out of anything.

No, she's not a narcissist or a shitty person. I refuse to go through life judging people for bad decisions years ago. If that were the case I would have like 1 friend probably.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:01 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]