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General :
I am feeling really down today

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Welp (original poster new member #83606) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I am feeling really down today. My trial separation passed 2 months. Three months since Dday (she is having a EA with her high school lover from 20 years ago). Our initial idea was to do the separation, NC with AP then talk to IC then do a couple's counseling. At the end of the month, she told me that she couldn't keep the NC promise, she is not ready for couples counseling "she need more time" etc..

I told her I can't stop her from talking to AP but I might also start seeing other people. She said okay "she hopes I can find someone I am happy with. I tried talking to other people but I find the whole thing really repulsive right now. She then increased her contact with AP. She is calling him everyday hours at a time. (I can see when they are online together).

I started 180 and I am getting ready to give her the ultimatum that I am filing for D. Current situation is not acceptable to me. However, I am feeling extremely sad that she is not even trying, this is a 20 years long marriage, we have 2 kids (12 and 8 years old).

I know people say "it is not really over until it is over" but I feel like there is no chance of reconciliation at this point. I think when I give her ultimatum she will say "okay".

Just feeling super sad. I really wanted to at least try R...

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2023   ·   location: California
id 8807635
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:03 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

(((welp))))

It sucks that she isn't willing to do the work. BTDT. I am so sorry you are sad today.

However I will say that if you tell her you're filing (and you have to MEAN that, it can't just be something to try to get her to snap out of it) and she shrugs and says ok, that's your answer right there. I know you wanted R, but you can't R with someone who isn't willing to do their part. That's on her, not on you.

In the meantime, 180 180 180. Turn off any notifications or visibility you have into her activities, that's pain shopping and will only hurt you. Focus on you and what you want and need. Keep conversations with her strictly about kids and divorce-related stuff.

I know this part is so hard, but it does get better and divorce is not the end of the world I promise. Hang in there.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8807637
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 5:08 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

So damn sorry for you. It’s a pain unlike any other. Take care of you and your kids, that is all that matters right now.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8807638
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 5:46 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I am so sorry, but I can promise you that SAYING they're trying and not moving every mountain is worse. So try and be grateful that you have the facts:

Your wife had an affair
She isn't making any effort to reconcile
You are seperated
She is probably in contact with her AP
She's given you the green light to move on

Read it once, then twice. Breathe in, then out.

Those facts are incredibly painful, but they're the basic tools you need for healing.

I read somewhere that our minds repeat trauma over and over until they solve the puzzle.

You have solved the puzzle. So the healing can begin.

R is so hard and trying it without the WS moving mountains is like reliving it over and over.

No one expects you to heal fast or for it to be easy. It's a slow road. Day by day, just try and be nice to yourself. Do anything that helps you to feel better.

Whatever the long term outcome here, you're going to be great

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8807643
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 6:20 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I am so sorry you are in this position, friend.

File for D, NOW. The one person you have looking out for you, is yourself, and you need to be able to respect and trust that person. Also, taking action is incredibly therapeutic.

Waiting out your WW is, to put it bluntly, letting her walk all over you. She doesn't get to test drive OM and have her fun and keep you waiting and at the same time get to decide whether she wants to go back to her marriage when her fun is done.

posts: 931   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8807648
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 Welp (original poster new member #83606) posted at 6:22 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Thank you so much for all the support and kind words, I really need it today

Another thing that is really bugging me, currently I am out of the house renting an ABNB. We are doing nesting we switch while one of us stays in the house taking care of kids. This was part of trial separation deal.

I will tell her that I no longer want to spend money on ABNBs (it is costly). I will permanently stay in the house while we are going through D. We are not fighting with each other currently.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this is bad idea?

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2023   ·   location: California
id 8807649
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 7:36 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Thank you so much for all the support and kind words, I really need it today

Another thing that is really bugging me, currently I am out of the house renting an ABNB. We are doing nesting we switch while one of us stays in the house taking care of kids. This was part of trial separation deal.

I will tell her that I no longer want to spend money on ABNBs (it is costly). I will permanently stay in the house while we are going through D. We are not fighting with each other currently.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this is bad idea?

I've got a bit of a complicated situation, my wife had an EA/PA from 2018 to 2020 that I didn't know about, but running parallel to that I was involved in an EA where I ended it and went NC in Sep 2019. From Sep 2019 to Feb 2020, my wife acted a lot like the BS who wanted nothing more to do with their WS (who was of course me). She told me that she wanted a divorce and we were through. She knew that there was no way I was going to move out of our master bedroom because I was adamant that I did not want to give up on our marriage and I was going to keep the faith, so she moved herself out of the master bedroom and into our guest room. I will tell you something brother, In Home Separation (IHS) is it's own special ring of hell.

Shortly after we started our IHS, my wife had been pretty insistent that we sit down and devise a budget and put in writing who was responsible for what such as who pays rent, who pays for our son's sports, activities, etc, it was going to be a "roommate agreement" because we had just renewed our lease in Nov 2019 and here in Dec 2019 she insists on divorce and separate place was not feasible. How much goes in our joint account, what do we keep from our respective paychecks, the whole 9 yards. Man, that was a shitty couple of hours, but we came up with all that stuff. A few days later, I met with a divorce attorney on the counsel of a good friend and the lovely folks here on SI. I am so glad that I took the advice given here to see an attorney. One of the first things the attorney told me was to never sign anything like that having to do with money until they have had a chance to review it. The attorney I did meet with suggested that a separation agreement could be drafted and reviewed by them to make sure that we were covered.

I would really urge you to meet with an attorney and to start the process of divorce. Ask the questions about what you can as far as a separation/roommate agreement and also get your ducks in a row as far as divorce. If you have the space, you wife can move into a guest room and that way you can reclaim the master bedroom for yourself. You aren't the one who strayed in this relationship and you shouldn't be the one on the couch. You can make it clear that you do not share your wife and you will not share a bed with someone who disrespects you in such a manner.

One thing that I can leave you with as far as advice, as I mentioned, my wife was a BS and WS simultaneously as it would turn out. However, it wasn't until I stood up to her and made it clear that her cheating was the end of her living under my roof that she recognized I was serious. That is right, there was a nagging feeling about this one guy from her past that was a bit of a recurring character and I flat out asked her what the deal was. She was honest that she had been in contact with him right after she asked me for divorce, which never sat well with me, seemed like she was moving on at lightning speed. I told her that she had until sundown the next day to stop talking to him or she was out on her ass. Of course, seeing as how it was a place we both rented (both names on the lease) as a married couple, I couldn't legally enforce that, but in that moment, it wasn't an empty threat and she knew it. I made it clear to her that if she packed up and took our son with her as she threatened that it would be kidnapping, which I did know was true, because the attorney I met with and I covered that scenario, because it had been threatened before.

My point here is that your WW has not had any consequences. She insists on continuing her affair, that is fine, but you do not have to continue putting up with her shit either. Show some strength, have her served with divorce papers, kick her ass out of the bedroom and let her figure out the rest from there. I know it will be hard to do. I was there myself and it was hell for months. However, if there is even the slightest chance that your WW will come to her senses, I can promise you that the only way she will get there is if you stiffen up your spine and show her those consequences. Right now she is in her cake-eating phase, where she gets to have the comfortable and reliable married life of being with you, while she gets to test drive her EA for whatever the hell else she thinks he provides. You don't give her days or weeks to decide if she wants to stay married to you or not, you just make it clear to her that you don't share your wife and that she is free to go. Yeah, I know that is a scary proposition, but if she was going to choose the AP in the long run or keep jerking you around like she is currently doing, trust me, in the long run it is easier to just rip the bandage off now and start your detachment and healing now.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 669   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8807658
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:33 AM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

@Welp:

She broke the marriage, she has to pay--literally. Tell your WW that you are done financing her lifestyle and file for D!

posts: 931   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8807717
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 10:17 AM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

I'm sorry she continues to jerk you around. Do not make any threats or ultimatums just go NC and do what you have to do. She needs consequences, she wants a boyfriend then she can leave the house, not you. File D and expose her to friends and family, put on a "don't give a shit" face, and push her off the fence she is sitting on.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8807743
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

I am a believer in confronting and disrupting situations that are not in my interest. I do not see where allowing this situation or her fence sitting benefits you.

Disrupting her life as it currently functions is not going to cause the situation to be any worse than it is now. It will cause whatever that situation to become much more clear and then you can take actions that are in your interest, not your wife's.

Time for her life to become much more uncomfortable, she hasn't paid any price for her actions. It is time for that to change and if she walks she was going to do that anyway. All this will do end the limbo and the "hopium", a term I've learned here.

I do have a question though, do you really want her back after this? My XW is still on her little game of trying to come back into my life and honestly just typing those words causes very negative thoughts in me.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8807776
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 Welp (original poster new member #83606) posted at 11:34 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

Well do I want her in my life. I think I still do. We had a 20 year relationship, she was my best friend. What she has done hurt me to the core but I would have at least like to try couples counseling and try to see if we can restore the relationship. I have 2 kids, she is good mother, we have very stable financials.

But she seems to have decided that she is in "love" with this guy. She acts like she wants to move on with her life. Currently sitting on the fence. I haven't seen any steps towards relationship.

This is my last card basically to push her over the fence. I am somewhat worried that maybe it is too soon. It has been 3 months since Dday but I am hurting everyday.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2023   ·   location: California
id 8807856
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:19 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

She aint such a good mother bro. She stepped out on you and BROKE UP YOUR FAMILY for some POS loser. Her kids didn't even factor. Hell now you need to be protecting your kids FROM this shrew! Bottom line: She aint winning Mother-Of-The-Year anytime soon!

And she aint your best friend either. I mean, you were a good husband to her (NOT perfect but she wasn't a perfect wife either). And what does she do? Go out and cheat on you.

I absolutely feel your pain, but waiting around letting her decide is not helping you--even if your goal is R. The one thing you can do to show some self-respect and file for D. You have to stand up for you but if anything will get her to wake up, the fact that you are standing up for yourself is it. (Not that you do this for that reason, the main reason has to be to protect you and your kids.)

posts: 931   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8807861
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 2:16 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Welp,

I am sorry man. I am. I have been in a very similar situation. Let me tell you something that might help you snap out. Most men, we are hurt by EAs, but we seem to downplay the significance of them. Women recognize them for what they are because most women cheat for the emotional aspect. The only reason your wife isn’t having sex with AP is because he isn’t physically around. If he was anywhere near you, she would find a reason to sleep with him. She wants to. Let that fuel your anger and see the situation for what it is. She’s playing with fire and all she cares about is how it makes her feel.

Another man is more important than her husband. Don’t downplay how bad this is.
Take care of yourself, file. Do it calm, cool, no feelings. Tell her she can go live with AP if he is so damn important. Then ignore her and focus on you and your family. If she gets her head out of her ass then consider R. If you don’t how you are living now is your future.

I don’t mean to be harsh, it’s hard to hear, it’s hard to realize. I’m speaking from experience, as all of us are. Affairs are all the same. Nothing she is doing is unique or special, it’s typical affair 101. It’s only a little different because AP isn’t near by.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 502   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8807871
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 2:32 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

This is my last card basically to push her over the fence. I am somewhat worried that maybe it is too soon. It has been 3 months since Dday but I am hurting everyday.

It is absolutely not too soon. The sooner you stop letting her eat cake, the better. I pushed my H off the fence less than 24 hours after discovery by asking him to either ditch the AP or move out. He moved out… and got a face full of reality.

You’re not going to "Nice Guy" her into choosing you. Strength is attractive. Taking no shit is attractive. Doing the pick-me dance is weak and repellant. Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s the dang truth.

Take action and you just might save your marriage.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:54 PM, Friday, September 15th]

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8807872
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 2:55 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Please be careful to avoid statements that generalize gender among other things and abide by the guidelines. All A’s are not the same. Please post focused on the OP’s specific situation.

posts: 10034   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8807875
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:27 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

What are your thoughts on this? Is this is bad idea?

IHS (Inhouse separation) is not fun. I basically stayed in my room when I wasn't working, and I was working from home. It was awkward and I'd still try to coordinate meals. It took me several times of reading 1stWife's advice on detaching and not doing anything for him, like meals and laundry. Add that I was still hurting and scared of the future.

But, I did it. So, yes it can be done.

Check with your lawyer because leaving the house can be considered abandonment, and you don't want that to come up during the D process if you D.

FWIW, I filed for D a week before our 34th anniversary. My oldest was 32 at the time and said he couldn't believe I stayed in the M for so long and should have D a long time ago. Children see more than we think.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807879
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:33 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I think when I give her ultimatum she will say "okay".

And then you're out of limbo.

It's good that you know you Want R, but you need to accept that R will not be possible unless you both commit to it 100%.

After infidelity, success for the BS is healing, irrespective of D or R. I understand feeling down as you contemplate the end of your M. I also have read posts from SIer after SIer saying that life has been good since they found the solution that seems best.

Often, you have to risk the M to save it, but often an M can't be saved. Your W fucked up. If she doesn't heal herself, she's not going to be a good partner....

My reco is to feel your pain. That's a big step toeards healing.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30051   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808018
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 11:37 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

And then you're out of limbo.

Sisoon above is 100% correct in his quote above.

There are few things worse than limbo, no matter what happens you will make progress in the situation. Either toward ending this unpalatable situation or toward some kind of reconciliation.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8808142
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:08 AM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

You are in a very painful situation. Watching your spouse cheat on you is the worst feeling ever (I was where you are).

Your cheating spouse is addicted to the high that she gets from this relationship. We all know it’s a fantasy world except the cheaters.

Please think about getting your own counseling. Someone to support you during this difficult time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8808330
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:26 AM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

What ultimatum are you going to give her? You told her you wanted to date other people and her response was to wish you well and dial up her relationship with her AP.

I really don’t think she will bat an eyelash at your ultimatum. Just have her served with divorce papers and skip the slow torture part.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:27 AM, Monday, September 18th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2021   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8808332
Topic is Sleeping.
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