Mediation with a WW

So she has thrown the towel and has given me "I am not committed to this relationship" speech. We are moving forward with the Divorce. We are currently doing IHS (In House Separation). We are not fighting. We have two kids 8 and 12 years old. We will try the mediation route initially. We are both salaried workers, I make almost twice as much as her. From what I am told there are no existing calculators for spousal supports longer than 10 years in California.

I'm curious if anyone has experience with mediation and would appreciate any insights. Additionally, both of us have pension plans and share ownership of a house.

6 comments posted: Friday, October 6th, 2023

I am feeling really down today

I am feeling really down today. My trial separation passed 2 months. Three months since Dday (she is having a EA with her high school lover from 20 years ago). Our initial idea was to do the separation, NC with AP then talk to IC then do a couple's counseling. At the end of the month, she told me that she couldn't keep the NC promise, she is not ready for couples counseling "she need more time" etc..

I told her I can't stop her from talking to AP but I might also start seeing other people. She said okay "she hopes I can find someone I am happy with. I tried talking to other people but I find the whole thing really repulsive right now. She then increased her contact with AP. She is calling him everyday hours at a time. (I can see when they are online together).

I started 180 and I am getting ready to give her the ultimatum that I am filing for D. Current situation is not acceptable to me. However, I am feeling extremely sad that she is not even trying, this is a 20 years long marriage, we have 2 kids (12 and 8 years old).

I know people say "it is not really over until it is over" but I feel like there is no chance of reconciliation at this point. I think when I give her ultimatum she will say "okay".

Just feeling super sad. I really wanted to at least try R...

21 comments posted: Friday, September 15th, 2023

Any good Trauma/Infidelity Therapists in California

Hello friends,

As a BS I have been talking to a therapist who also has a PHD in psychology, however I feel like he has no idea about how to deal with affair trauma, recovery etc. When I search for Infidelity specialists, most LMTs claim to be specialists on the subject but I highly doubt it.

Have you worked with anyone good in California? I guess It could be out of state as well since nowadays everything is done online.

4 comments posted: Friday, September 8th, 2023

Reconciliation mostly WH?

Hello all,

I am still fairly new here. I have been reading through reconciliation stories. I am mostly seeing WH being sorry and trying to save their marriage. I don't see much of WW doing the same. This doesn't give me much of a hope since I have a WW. So far she is in complete affair fog. She has been sitting on the fence for 3 months now. I initiated the 180 but she not responsive and still fully immersed in her EA and calls the AP daily. She is going to IC but she says she is not sure if she want to reconciliate. "She needs to work on herself" etc..

I am getting ready to give her the ultimatum that I am moving forward with D.

I initially had hopes that this might knock her off the fence but now I thinking It might just finalize and seal the deal for us. Just feeling really down at this point. Is there anyone with a WW similar to my situation who managed a successful reconciliation?

10 comments posted: Wednesday, September 6th, 2023

20 Years of Commitment and Trust Shattered

Hello Friends,

I am very new to this community, and I wish that I never had to find this community or be a part of it. However, I am grateful that it exists, and I am reaching out for support in my time of need. I find myself brokenhearted, emotionally unstable, and uncertain about how to proceed.

I apologize if I make any mistakes or misuse abbreviations; I am not familiar with all of them, but I will do my best to learn and adapt. My Dday was on June 28th. I have been married for 20 years, and we have two beautiful daughters aged 8 and 12. In early June, I noticed a change in my wife's behavior—she became secretive with her cell phone, took longer walks, and displayed actions that were out of character for her. Recognizing these patterns was easy for me, given our 20 years together. Upon further investigation of her cell phone records, I discovered that she had engaged in an emotional affair with her high school lover. What began as innocent text messages eventually escalated to declarations of love, with hundreds of messages exchanged, including sexual content. Phone records also revealed hours-long conversations and video messages. Shockingly, she would even message him while sitting next to me, sometimes even narrating what I was doing in video games.

When I confronted her about my knowledge of the affair, she admitted the whole thing. She claimed that they had always felt "connected." When I asked her if she wanted to end our marriage, she replied with both "yes" and "no," listing reasons why she was unhappy: my lack of romance, a lack of emotional connection, and differing interests, among others. While she expressed some remorse for hurting me, she made it clear that she was not going to "beg."

All of this occurred just before our planned two-week vacation, and our children were eagerly looking forward to it. I decided that, for the sake of our kids, I would still take the trip under the condition that she would end contact with the affair partner. Afterward, I would move out to reflect on our relationship. Reluctantly, she agreed to cut ties with the affair partner, and we went on the vacation. During the trip, we were intimate three times, which left me deeply confused. We spoke more, and she agreed to attend therapy during our trial separation, promising not to contact the affair partner. We planned to pursue marriage counseling afterward.

She claimed to have called the affair partner and told him that she needed time to think things over (they spoke for almost an hour, as per phone records). She then texted him that I would be leaving, but that I had found a place to stay for a month—this was her last message. At this point, I am uncertain if she realizes that I am aware of her messages.

She says she is unsure of what she wants, but she is unhappy. It feels like she is living in a fantasy world, where the affair partner tells her what she wants to hear, and she goes along with it.

I am deeply hurt and questioning if I can ever rebuild the shattered trust. I am not even sure if she will reconnect with the affair partner the moment I step out of the house. Today, we broke the news to our children about the trial separation, which was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot see any genuine remorse in my wife's eyes at this point. She claims to be confused, and I honestly don't know what to do.

Thank you for providing a space where I can share my story and seek support.

76 comments posted: Sunday, July 23rd, 2023