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Torn

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 6:58 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Hi all.

Spoiler: I didn't tell (O)BS. If this triggers perhaps stop reading now. I'm feeling at a proper crossroads and that attack line really won't help much right now.

I know there's been radio silence from me... I've been reading other people's stories and contemplating my own situation. My long thread became a bit of a skip fire (and I do understand why). I am going to take inspiration from InkHulk though and call out comments that I feel are unacceptable in this thread.

I'll fill in gaps over time but essentially where I am is that we've put down a deposit for another house to rent that my W and I were planning to take turns at being in so that the kids lives weren't disrupted, and coparent.

Since that deposit was paid my W has gone onto antidepressants, poured her heart out to me about her guilt and shame, can't believe she is about to ruin the kids lives, etc etc. So we've both agreed that we have a better chance of R if we don't take this house.

But she has admitted that she still can't find the right feelings for me.

So I am so torn. Contrary to popular opinion, I wanted this whole time to leave the ball in her court to turn the kids lives upside down, and she made that call. I was feeling at peace with it, but with the changing of mind I felt enormous relief. I still want her, despite everything. I want my kids to have the best.

But I wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable. Where we live places like this to rent won't come up very often so I wonder if I should just be biting the bullet and moving on.

I'll fill in gaps and answer questions but just felt the need to pour some emotion out.

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8801504
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:17 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Nothing has changed about your situation that justifies going back on your original plan, which seems like a sort of trial separation.

Your wife has told you she doesn’t desire you or care for you as anything other than a friend and coparent. Her crying about her guilt and shame is not the same as taking action to help rebuild your marriage.

The best thing you can do is allow your wife experience what life is like without you as her husband appliance. It’s the only way to kick her— and yourself— off the fence.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:43 AM, Sunday, July 30th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8801507
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uncomfortablynumb ( new member #82843) posted at 7:17 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Honestly, if you can afford to run two households, I'd take the rented place whatever the outcome of the marriage.

My WH was at the point of signing for a rented flat at the point we'd decided to attempt to reconcile and I told him to back out. I think it was the right decision financially, but a huge part of me wishes we'd taken some proper time apart.

Separating doesn't mean ending the marriage for good, but it might mean you both get some much needed perspective.

It really sounds like she's calling all the shots here. What do you want and on what terms? Are you genuinely prepared to lose the marriage to have a chance at saving it?

posts: 32   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2023   ·   location: England, UK
id 8801508
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 1:31 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

I still want her, despite everything. I want my kids to have the best.

Wanting is easy. But it surely doesn't mean that it is always the best decision. Often, it is quite the opposite.

Ozzy, this cycle is going to continue until you start respecting yourself. It is still 100% about her. Yes, the children should always be top priority, but is that what they are really getting from you? This family dynamic is what they should model themselves after as they grow?

I'm not sure if your 'wants' are really more of 'don't wants'. You don't want your wife to leave, so you have allowed....even condoned....horrific behaviors from her. At the detriment to you AND your children. Standing up for yourself is not only to tell her "NO!" to poor behaviors/decisions, but to say to YOURSELF that you expect to be loved, cared for, and treated respectfully by your partner.

Stop being a therapist for her, and more of an advocate for yourself. I really believe that will get you to a better place.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4350   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8801557
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 3:04 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

I agree that if you can afford it apartment, go ahead and rent it. It doesn’t keep you from reconciling, it gives you some time apart as you may need, and it gives you a good set up if you don’t reconcile.

She is clearly concerned about the consequences of her affair, and she seems to care about the welfare of her children. That’s all well and good; it may help her make better choices in the future and be a better parent. But she’s still clearly on the fence about your marriage. You can’t control that, but you can control your own actions. Getting the apartment allows you to take practical steps out of being attached to someone who openly admits they are ambivalent about being with you.

In your shoes, if it was at all financially tenable, I’d be honest with her. I’d say, "it’s my hope that our marriage will work, but I won’t allow myself to continue in a situation with someone who is ambivalent about how they feel about me." And then Id rent the apartment.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8801562
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:28 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

Strong chance her 'lack of the right feeling for you' is still heavily influenced by her infatuation with the AP. She is subconsiously comparing your work every day and take care of the kids life to the fantasy of the AP. We know she said it was about sex and excitement but it was more than that for her. She fell for him and the whole fantasy and, I would bet, is still in some degree of limerance. It can last months easily.

A therapist could help her grapple with that dynamic, is she in IC?

posts: 962   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8801565
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 8:16 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

Hi Ozzy:

"Since that deposit was paid my W has gone onto antidepressants, poured her heart out to me about her guilt and shame, can't believe she is about to ruin the kids lives, etc etc. So we've both agreed that we have a better chance of R if we don't take this house."

You both agree you have a better chance at "R" if you don’t rent the house. But what does this "R" look like? Especially to your WW? If you stay in the same house it will help alleviate her shame and guilt for tearing up the kids lives due to her selfish choices. But what next? If you stay together is she going to be actively working to retake her passion for you? Or does it mean maintaining the status quo living together as roommates being civil in a sexless and passionless M? How is this "R" going to work. Notice I have not even mentioned the work she should be doing to be a trusted partner worthy of you. And make no mistake, some people do live in such marriages. You get to decide. I hope you decide to value yourself. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3885   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8801589
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 8:35 AM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

Thanks for the responses. Good food for thought. To clarify on a few points:

- I'm obviously unhappy with how things currently are. She saw the idea of the house as a trial separation, to give each other space. I said if you want to do this to the kids, after everything else you've done, then I am done. This was one of the things that I think snapped in her brain.
- She WANTS the feelings to come back. She is in IC. I am sure the limerant feelings are still there. I started another thread about this, I think the only cure for this is time unfortunately.
- The dynamic between us is good. Yes, at the moment it is a sexless marriage but it is civil, caring and as far as the kids are concerned good (notwithstanding the fact that it did get ugly for a bit).
- I don't see how the kids could get their head around a "trial separation". I know it might read like I am pandering, but dammit I am strong enough to cope with more of this (not forever!) to give my family a chance.
- We can afford the second place, just. It would mean a lot of sacrifices to quality of life. Another reason for me preferring to give things a shot in the same house.

So from my point of view, yes mine, I don't want to do it. She only did in order to give herself space and I don't think that is fair on our kids. She can sort her own shit out.

And while the limerant feelings are there, there is no contact. As predicted by several, there was a false start in R and she saw him completely behind my back (no sex). I had a feeling that would happen, but it completely changed the power dynamic. The anger from her has completely disappeared and been replaced with complete brokenness.

It has just gone past 6 months since this whole saga began. I figure that paying a deposit to separate was us, finally, hitting rock bottom. I have it in my head to give 6 months now to climb back up before doing anything drastic.

I welcome any thoughts on this though.

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8801634
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 11:07 AM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

So there is no more "you agreed to do this" from her? She is owning that this is her mistake alone? She wants to feel love for you but can’t muster up those feelings, is that where she is now? I guess if you are determined to go down this path then I would tell her that love is actions more than internal feelings. She needs to show you that she wants to stay your spouse and in order to do this she must show she loves you and the feelings will follow. I guess this is more of a suggestion because it does not feel good to write it out. But you have ignored what I know to be good advice in the past so why not try this. You could write a list of things she can do to show you love and discuss it. Obviously sex should be on that list with many other actions. You cannot do this on her terms. It will not work. You have got to create terms of your own. This is just an idea what have you got to lose at this point. I don’t expect many others to agree with this however.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8801640
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:16 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

As I’ve said many times before, in order for your wife to want you she must first respect you.

She doesn’t right now because you don’t respect yourself. The minute she throws you a bread crumb, you gobble it up.

I think the separation would be good for both of you. She would get to experience what life is like for a single mother, without her faithful husband appliance.

You have been paralyzed by fear by what separation would entail. Maybe this will demystify the process and you will realize that you can live without her.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8801651
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 1:27 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

What about the kids though? Feels like they'd just be pawns in a game.

And to be clear, I know I could live without her. That doesn't mean that I want to.

[This message edited by Ozzy1788 at 1:36 PM, Monday, July 31st]

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8801652
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 2:04 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

Ozzie, what are you teaching your kids by staying in a loveless marriage? I can’t remember their ages but even as young as six years old they know that things feel wrong to them. Many of us on here have felt with infidelity and children. I can’t remember one person who came on here or any other similar website who did a "years later" update and said it was worth it to stay married for the children. Also just let me say that children do not stay young forever. You will have adult children sooner than it seems now. Yes there is some trauma associated with divorce. Not arguing that but there is also trauma for children growing up in an uncapping marriage. Many cases more so in the unhappy marriage. Let me be straight with you. I feel the "staying for the kids" maybe just part of the reasons for you unable to take up for yourself in this Marriage. I get the feeling there is at least one more reason. If you could be honest with that we might be able to talk you through that. Let me just end with saying it is very frustrating dealing with you. Why is that? Because I want you to be happy and you seem to stumble over yourself at every turn. I hope this helps you.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8801660
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:29 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

She fell for him and the whole fantasy and, I would bet, is still in some degree of limerance. It can last months easily.

This man is an ex boyfriend, so she's had feelings for him for many years. Those feelings intensified during the time she and Ozzy opened their marriage and she had a new relationship with him. There's been no exposure, so she sees him,again, as the man who got away. Her feelings for him aren't going anywhere,because she has romanticized the new relationship. The boyfriend is telling her he loves her,he just can't leave his wife. So she's left with all of these feel good feelings..instead of the stark reality of the situation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:04 PM, Monday, July 31st]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8801663
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:39 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

The kids deserve to be in a happy,loving home. One in which mom loves and respects dad.

You say you don't want her to move out because the kids won't understand, and it's not best for them. What about you? You seem to use the kids as an excuse, a lot, when talking about what you want,don't want,etc. It's ok to say you don't want her to move out,because YOU are scared that she will contact the boyfriend and start things back up...or you're scared that if she moves out,she won't move back in.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:40 PM, Monday, July 31st]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8801665
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 3:18 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

But she has admitted that she still can't find the right feelings for me.

So I am so torn.

I wanted to point this out. These two sentences are immediately following/preceding one another. Your spouse, the person who swore to love you forever, cannot find the right feelings for you and yet you are torn? The entirety of your answer is here, in these two sentences you wrote yourself.

Me: BW. XCH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Divorced 4/2024.

posts: 139   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8801675
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 4:14 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

I hope you have a timeframe in mind of how long you will give her to get out of this fog. You are real and not a fantasy. She seems to think she needs to be daydreaming about you all day like some 18th century novel. For the sake of your kids you are being the grown up in the room. Just make sure she knows she can’t be a toddler forever.

posts: 375   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8801686
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:38 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

Nothing seems to have changed for your situation . Your marriage still hangs by the thread of the AP deciding to give up on his marriage to be with your WS. If that happens I doubt your WS would feel the remorse she claims on breaking the family unit and would not look back before she runs to him.

My take based on my experience, some individuals do not have the maturity to be tied in a marriage and being parents . Their selfish wants drive their decisions, mostly at the cost of others. The decision to marry or have kids is also a temporary whim that they indulge in.

You have your blinders on . The kids and the OBS ( I know ! I know you don’t want to hear about it ) are collateral damage to the choices of some immature adults.

You are lucky this AP decided to hold on to his marriage , I doubt because of moral or ethical reasons. Have you thought about what happens when she meets the next person she finds a connection with that won’t have issues getting together with her?

The mom in me wants to come and pull all your ears and put you all in time out . Not the OBS !

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 4:39 PM, Monday, July 31st]

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8801693
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 5:48 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

Ball of anxiety said it all.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8801698
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 5:49 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

Second verse, same as the first!

posts: 278   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8801700
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 6:11 PM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

Is it okay to force/ manipulate someone to fall back in love with us once they have fallen out of it for whatever reasons?? Don't we teach people to let go of their partners when they stop having feelings for them and can't seem to find them back because it doesn't work and is toxic and extremely selfish? This has been going for a long time, and she has been consistent with her feelings for you. But you are not taking the hint here. You are kinda forcing her to bring back those feelings, which she is unable to do because there is no switch button for that.

I am sorry this has happened to you. You dont deserve this, but you got to let go at some point and move on. You should just let go of her. Accept the reality and find peace with it. This situation sucks but it is what it is. Find a way for healthy Co-parenting for your children sake. The renting house thing is a good idea. Go with it.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 6:20 PM, Monday, July 31st]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8801703
Topic is Sleeping.
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