Bulcy (original poster member #74034) posted at 3:23 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023
I've discussed in a previous thread, quite a while ago, my justifications. I've decided that I need to revisit these, so will post another time what I discover.
I wanted to start a thread with the most insane/stupid/ridiculous justifications you told yourself or were told by your BS as a justification for the affair. One of mine, hence the title, was "I'll deal with it if I get caught". To this day I've no idea what this means. I've been caught and dealing with it is something I've been terrible at. I cannot fathom where this came from and such avoidance of responsibility and potential consequences is staggering to think back on.
I'm hoping sharing will give some opportunity to discuss and understand further.
WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022
My history is not my destiny
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:35 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023
BS here and no stop sign.
My WH gave me a version of that too "I'll take responsibility if we get found out"
Then gave me the litany of Cheater's Handbook reasons of why and when I called bulls*** on all that he launched into the stories of LTAP threats, manipulation and blackmail. I looked at him with what had to be incredulity and said "let me get this straight, you were f**king her to protect me?!?!" And he said [emphatically] "yes!"
And while we are still together, my life has never been the same.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
brainybird66 ( new member #83082) posted at 8:10 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023
My significant other:"I thought you broke up with me. "
Those words never came out of my mouth, and in no way did my actions suggest otherwise.
I'm well on my way to true healing
CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 9:20 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023
BS and no stop sign
WH told me he figured I was getting paperwork to divorce him and didn't like him anyways.
OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( new member #82983) posted at 9:59 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023
I got the same line, but later admitted he was mostly fucxxxg her to protect himself. Ending it would be a painful process for him to clean up. Much easy to give her a little attention with the occasional pickle tickle to keep his evilness in the dark. 🙄🤮
Vocalion ( new member #82921) posted at 11:26 PM on Saturday, April 15th, 2023
Least creative justification employed by WW was " Well you were never supposed to find out" said even after she had left a bevy of clues, changes in demeanour, habits and other indicators of her being in an affair, which admittedly, I for the most part ignored in my state-of denial.
Equally dumb, but true assertion from my WW: " Every other married nurse in the ER was screwing one or more of the doctors/surgeons in the On-Call suite of rooms reserved for Residents. I replied, " So that made it right, because you felt you were missing out on the sexual hanky panky with an older married man?", to which WW reverted to excuse Numbee One. Thankfully, the devastating reality of the fallout from her supremely selfish and destructive actions has hit her hard and pulled her head out of its cephlus in ano former resting place, and we are attempting Reconciliation, one day at a time.
BraveSirRobin ( Moderator #69242) posted at 1:33 AM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023
- I'm ending it with OM, so BH won. OM would love to be in BH's shoes, so he's the one who needs my support through the grieving process.
- Throwing OM under the bus and ending our friendship for my own benefit would be selfish, and I'm a better person than that.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:46 AM, Sunday, April 16th]
ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 1:54 AM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023
As we were literally parking the car outside of the place we were hosting our daughter's first birthday party, with all our family and friends, AP texted WS.
We had had a heated conversation the night before, were I said if they're just good coworkers/friends, why can't I meet her?
Anyways. AP texted, I asked why she was texting him again, and WS replied, "I thought we agreed to an open relationship."
Based on our conversation from the night before, where I said I was confused if they were *just* friends, why couldn't I meet her.
"I will survive, hey, hey!"
JasonCh ( member #80102) posted at 2:48 AM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023
No stop sign -- BS.
WW -- "He reminded me of my dad."
I *thought* I understood kind of what she meant by it at the time. As time and space grow it gets more incomprehensible.
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:27 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023
I'm a BS (no stop sign)
My fWS said, "It was making me a better person."
I'll let that just hang for a sec...
My fWS had been laid off from a job he loved and was highly competent at. New job was half the salary, WAY more stress and (for a long time) a daily exercise in "conscious incompetence" (being fully aware that you have a lot to learn).
So he was very depressed and highly stressed.
(Not a justification, but this was the lay of the land.)
So the first A relieved the stress (positive brain chemical dump) and made him feel better a about himself (ego kibbles). When that one ended, he needed to keep the feel-good vibe going so cue OW #2 and #3...and actually several more potential OW lined up in his FB friends.
Fairly quickly after Ddays, he explained that, for a while during the affairs, he really believed it was making him a better person. He believed it was "fixing" him. He even believed that, if it was fixing him, it was justified because he was becoming a better spouse and father because he wasn't so depressed.
By the time he was telling me this, he realized that it was all bullsh#t.
Although, he didn't fully grasp the level of self-deception it was. I think he does now.
He says that, after the first longterm A ended he was realizing that it wasn't really working (it was failing to "fix" him in a sustained/long-term way). The next 2 affairs were a desperate attempt to keep the feel-good going on a temporary level, but they didn't work beyond a temporary boost.
Before Dday, he knew the affairs hadn't really fixed the depression and stress. He was just getting temporary "hits" to his brain to try to feel better.
"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]
Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 3+ yrs.Both in IC & MC.Married 32 yrs now 2 kids-both in HS.Attempting R
Olderandhappier ( member #75702) posted at 1:29 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023
"That’s what happens when you marry a beautiful woman" is what I was recently told when my WW reluctantly informed me prior to a polygraph that she had consented to a sex act performed on her in a taxi ten or so years ago. This justification was for me probably worse than the actual act itself. (I am a BS)
[This message edited by Olderandhappier at 2:52 PM, Sunday, April 16th]
Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 10:59 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023
WH told me he figured I was getting paperwork to divorce him and didn't like him anyways.
My WW said this, too.
But during her prolonged journey from initial disclosure to the final disclosure, she also said, "I was working on our marriage" during her three year affair. She maintained for a long time following DDay that she had in fact simultaneously been fucking AP and working on our marriage.
That comment was nearly the end of the marriage.
Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.
Greto ( member #80904) posted at 2:35 AM on Monday, April 17th, 2023
My exWH, "it was a pipe dream, and made her feel better about herself. It didn't mean anything and I was helping her."
All the while I was pregnant and crying every day due to his cheating (I knew it was happening, did not accept it but lived with his abuse and excuses since I wanted our marriage to work and thought he was just going through a phase, we were 20-21 years old)
NotBrokenJustBent ( new member #82733) posted at 4:33 PM on Monday, April 17th, 2023
WH said that he complimented her, sexted, exchanged nudes because "she appreciated it".
We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again
TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 4:52 PM on Monday, April 17th, 2023
The first words out of his month when I confronted him with the evidence: "I always told her I would not leave you."
Like OH OK, PHEW, WHAT A RELIEF! As long as I win and you don't leave me, it's ok to have a girlfriend.
The second sentence was: "But I'd understand if you want a divorce."
I mean, how generous. As long as I have his understanding ...
Then I got the usual "I didn't think you loved me anymore, I thought you were going to leave me soon, I didn't plan on getting caught ... blah blah blah."
Nowadays he pretty much says "I was a selfish dick."
That we agree on.
Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 5:45 AM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023
I am a BS
He has offered up…
- I felt entitled because I was making a lot of money
- I felt entitled because I worked all the time
- I felt like the kids didn’t appreciate me
- I didn’t have any friends
- It was happening at work so it wasn’t affecting you
- you only wanted to be with me because I checked certain boxes for you
- I wanted the physical gratification
- I knew I was getting rid of her anyway so it didn’t seem that bad
- She kissed my first so it wasn’t that bad
- I never really got to fool around when I was younger because I was too scared
- I’m bad
This is just a random assortment.
My feelings about these justifications are as follows…
- I felt entitled because I was making a lot of money (HOW DID MY LIFE TURN INTO AN EPISODE OF MAD MEN?)
- I felt entitled because I worked all the time (AND WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU THINK I WAS DOING?)
- I felt like the kids didn’t appreciate me (I ALMOST HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS ONE IT IS SO NAUSEATING)
- I didn’t have any friends (YES THAT IS TRUE, YOU HAVE TO BE A FRIEND TO MAKE FRIENDS, PREFERABLY NOT WITH YOUR SECRETARY)
- It was happening at work so it wasn’t affecting you (YUP…)
- you only wanted to be with me because I checked certain boxes for you (CORRECT, THOSE BOXES WERE I LOVED YOU AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME)
- I wanted the physical gratification (AT LEAST THIS ONE MAKES SENSE)
- I knew I was getting rid of her anyway so it didn’t seem that bad (PERHAPS YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOUR SECRETARY YOU WERE PLANNING ON FIRING HER BEFORE YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER SEXUALLY. SHE MIGHT HAVE CHOSEN A DIFFERENT PATH.)
- She kissed my first so it wasn’t that bad (IF THIS IS EVEN TRUE, IT IS SIMPLY NOT HOW THE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE VOWS WORKS)
- I never really got to fool around when I was younger because I was too scared (AND THIS IS MY PROBLEM WHY?)
- I’m bad (NO, YOU’RE NOT. YOU MADE BAD CHOICES. AND I STILL LOVE YOU BUT YOU HAVE A MOUNTAIN OF WORK TO DO)
SkipThumelue ( new member #82934) posted at 1:34 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023
"The only one truly hurt will be me."
This was my wayward brain. The disgust I still feel at times is indescribable.
Reconciling and extremely grateful
I do not accept PMs
"The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself." - St. Augustine
Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023
1. "I didn't think you'd find out"
2. "I don't have any friends"
1. He says to everyone frequently that I'm the smartest person he knows. How did he think he was going to get away with it??
2. BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE WHO SHITS ON ANY "FRIENDS" YOU MAY HAVE. He hangs out with a group of people frequently to play a sport he loves. But he talks shit about every. single. one. of them.
Except the only woman amongst them.
Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.
Breachoftrust ( member #66252) posted at 7:21 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023
He said, "maybe I wanted to see if you would stay with me if I did. "
Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA
Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:51 PM on Saturday, April 22nd, 2023
Here are the reasons I got, I know my xwh believed them at the time.
I didn’t think you would care. (Oddly he hid it, and was scared to tell me)
I deserved to be happy. (What his family or I deserved was not part of the thought process.)
I did not want to have an affair, so I went to a hooker. (With whom he had a five-year affair! Proposed to, etc..)
I wanted to hurt you. (And that he really did - the absolute most pain I have experienced ever)
all of these reasons were not about me, except the one where he wants to hurt me, other than that they were about him. And much of it was to inflict hurt, which was absolutely successful.
The reasons are one thing, I think the lack of assessing realistically the impact of the decision to cheat is really crucial to understand. Rarely, do I see this as part of the thought process and I’ve been reading on this site for five years.
If he had just asked for a divorce, everyone involved would’ve been better off.
Anyways, I hope this helps
[This message edited by Tallgirl at 10:53 PM, Saturday, April 22nd]
Yearning for divorce before I pop off