I fear my W has getting a crush on someone…MIcrocheating?
Hello. I need to take some advice. I will obscure some details that do not add to the story to preserve privacy.
Summary: my wife has been following and messaging someone she recently met. The messaging is on private messaging functions, non sexual but I feel it is very inappropriate. It feels like she is developing a crush. I think "microcheating" is the word used to describe what she is doing? Shd I confront now or watch and wait?
W and I have been married for 20 years. Like all relationships it has had its up and downs. I posted two years ago that she seemed to be spending an inordinate amount of time out with girlfriends and not focussing enough on the family or me. I found no evidence of any wrongdoing and things over times got better. My W leads a very active social life but the family/social aspect balance has recently improved.
A few week’s ago W went on a charity activity weekend with a group of girlfriends. Nearly all are long term married and we have known most for years. I was very supportive of her doing this. I often travel myself solo and was very happy for her to have a weekend away with her friends doing something she wanted to do for a good cause. I learned after that a few singles also attended and had no issues at all with this as I trust her. The trip passed without incident. (She shared a room with one of her friends and I would have heard indirectly had something happened so pls don’t go there)…
The group subsequently had a post event night out together where some of the singles attended. One is a bodybuilder. 10 years younger than W. Minor celebrity fame due to being the son of a major celebrity whose life had a tragic ending. Is on reality TV and often in gossip columns with various models. You get the sense. The group all stayed out quite late but again nothing happened. (Again I would have heard had something had).
A few week’s later I set up a new public social media account for the first time on one of the main sites to post some public non family travel related content. Nothing private. My wife has had a private account on this site for years and very occasionally posts family photos to her friends and followers. It’s a nice way of staying in touch as we all live across the world, harmless (aside from all typically only showing exotic holiday shots rather than real life) and her friends do exactly the same. You all know the site. Having set up my account, my wife and I started following each other. And I was a little shocked. She likes all the photos the minor celeb has recently posted of himself, many of him being half naked in a towel showing off his muscles. Nothing pornographic as it’s on a public post but shd a married woman be liking them all? It’s kinda trashy stuff or more for our kids than my W. She also publicly commented on a few and I don’t think her other friends who attended the charity event have done so but I can’t be sure. Now I cld let this go. It’s not a great look, nor a great example to my teen girls if they saw it. I am sure W wld be really upset if I was doing the same with models in swimsuits that wasn’t close friends and she probably would be even if we were. It felt odd and I was completely taken by surprise. So I checked her phone.
I found 2 parallel conversations with this guy that started after the charity event on private social media. One was reasonably innocuous. My W wanted to discuss an idea for a reality TV show with the guy. A few isolated chats, not daily. My W wanting to set up a meeting during the day in a public place and the minor celeb cancelling at last min. The only thing that wasn’t great was sometimes the time of day the conversation happened. First thing in the morning or last thing at night. The odd emoji kiss and heart but my W uses these all the time.
The other other social media private messages were more concerning. Messages like "my favourite purple devil, I wish you happy CNY" (out of the blue from my W sent to him just after we had finished a really nice family CNY lunch). Thank u lover (from him). Still keen? (my W). Hell Y (from him). Me too - you are hard to shake (my W). My W is the pursuer in all of these. She is trying to set up meetings, and then mentions she wants to also discuss her show idea. My W complementing some of his public posts privately and him "saying thank you gorgeous." And my W then out of the blue last ting at night before she goes to sleep saying "missing you" with a emoji kiss. The guy never seems to commit to a meeting. It’s not a continuous or frequent daily conversation. And the messaging would indicate that during the night out the two did not overlap or connect during the night out as they talked about being sorry to have missed each other (in more appropriate language). I believe my W also left the event before he arrived. One more comment. This guy has very little in common with my W. My W and I are fit, active, educated professionals. This guy is a minor celebrity for being son of a major celebrity whose life ended badly and has been on reality TV shows since. That’s his main thing. Being sort of famous for being sort of famous.
What to do? My view is that the content and communication style is highly inappropriate and is disrespectful to me. It is something My W would be furious about if the roles were reversed. I want this stopped, a boundary set and I don’t want to have to be thinking about this, checking my W’s phone or bottling up my own emotions. It’s starting to mess me up and I no doubt risking losing it with my W if I don’t confront this. On the other hand I don’t want to reveal my source of knowing the private messages between them (her phone) nor do I want to risk her taking this underground. And it MAY all just fizzle out as the guy actually doesn’t seem so keen so far and could have already escalated this had he wanted to.
To confront or lie low and wait? Am I overreacting? How to confront? What shd I do if my W refuses to show me her phone which I intend to ask her to do in order to show her the messages and discuss them with her without revealing that I already know the content? I am 99.99% sure that they have not yet met 1 on 1 (all the messaging evidence would support this). There has been no sexting whatsoever or anything beyond what I have stated above. But I don’t feel good about this.
Your wise advice would be very much appreciated. Please be very direct with me.
521 comments posted: Saturday, March 18th, 2023