My excuses were:
I enjoy talking to him and he makes my life a bit happier and more exciting.
He makes me feel good. He makes me feel seen.
He cares about my day and work and actively asks me about my life and days. I don’t have anyone in my life that makes an effort. I’m always the one that makes an effort.
He doesn’t scream at me, yell at me, grab me.
We’re just friends mostly and we see eachother a few times a year.
I need this person in my life, no one cares about me as much as he does.
Ultimately, I didn’t love myself. I had no self worth. I searched for my worth through someone else, through something else. I now realize that no one can provide the love I need except myself. I am the source of the love I need. No one else is capable of filling that need or hole.