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In MC last week, WH brought up how horrible he feels that I have so many triggers in day to day life now. He does his best to try an support me, but I'm still in the phase of getting angry when I'm triggered. Our therapist uses the word "activated" instead of triggered. It is wild the amount of seemingly insignificant things that's I now associate with his A and the ensuing trauma.

What are some of your triggers- words, places, items, situations?

Our therapist uses the word "activated" instead of triggered.

That's a good way to put it. It took me a long time to really start noticing the physiological qualities of my triggers. When you consider what's going on within the body, "activated" is a pretty apt way to describe it. I think it really helps for the WS to learn about trauma and how the body reacts.

The amygdala of the brain are on high alert after we're traumatized, almost like they're stuck. Any little trigger, any little startle, would cause a release of adrenaline and cortisol which typically prepare us to "fight, flight, or freeze". After awhile, I noticed that this would produce the same set of physical symptoms afterward; slight head and neck pain, mildly queasy stomach, and then this black, ugly depressive state that would last for 12 to 48 hours.

I think we tend to think of triggers as an emotional state, mental rather than physical. But it's not that simple. I felt so much better after reading a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk because after I'd read it, I was able to be more patient with myself. How we deal with emotional stress is just a physical function of being a human animal. It didn't mean I was weak or somehow emotionally stunted. It just meant that I was going through something and that at some point, I'd be back to normal.

I don't really get too many triggers anymore, and when I do, they no longer have the visceral qualities they once had. EMDR can help with that, btw. We can't just think our way out of trauma. The prefrontal cortex and the amygdala are only kind of loosely connected apparently. Recovering from trauma takes time.

Thank you for this question. It seems like a good idea for all of us to answer because it can help us create some emotional distance by describing it as an outsider would see it. I find it daunting to think about but I’m going to push myself to answer the question.

1. The places they hooked up. Driving through the towns and roads nearby really triggers me. Some of the most intense places are less triggering now because I drive by them a lot so I’ve become desensitized. But the places I rarely go by kind of stop me in my tracks, can’t breath etc until I’m away and I settle down.

2. The OP’s name. We never say it, have not for the past seven years. Now we are both triggered by it and on the rare occasions I have spit it out (because it sometimes seems silly never to say it) he says please don’t say the name.

3. My husbands car. It’s a convertible sports car that has sat in the garage for seven years because they kissed in the car 3 times. Instead he drives our old Jeep. Occasionally the convertible has to be driven because of the battery. I don’t want him to trade it in for something new because that seems like him getting a reward for bad behavior. Some day we will get rid of it but that process has been delayed since a new d-day 6 months ago when I found out the A was physical.

4. A lot of things related to his work and offices because that is where the physical interactions mostly happened. This has been very challenging when he has to work late or something. He puts in a lot of work to call and check in when this happens. He will call together with other staff on speaker so I can hear exactly who is there and what they are doing. His secretary for the last 7 years is well aware of the history (he cheated with his prior secretary and basically everyone at his company knows because it was very public when and why she was let go) and the new secretary actively participates in making sure I am comfortable. She is wonderful and has rebuilt my trust in humanity. It is just kind of factual to note that she is morbidly obese. I realize he could cheat with anyone but if you have been through this you understand that it is somewhat reassuring that this isn’t someone he would be as likely to lust after.

5. Him being too nice to patients or coworkers because this was how he walked down the slippery slope to becoming the OP’s knight in shining armor.

6. Using the word "team" because they would talk about what a great team they were at work.

This is a c/p of what I wrote in one other thread:

Just some examples, in no particular order: a certain sport activity, OWs profession, name, celebrities she liked, certain places, stars, office parties (especially X-mas ones), giraffes, pancakes, a certain language OW was proficient at, certain cities, heart emoji, infidelity in media, hiking, a certain music genre + some songs, a certain movie, laser hair removal, certain dates & holidays, certain words (their inside jokes), night swimming, potato peelers, and a bunch of other common things that are somehow related to the betrayal.

-The entire town of <stinky town>. Hate the whole gd place and do my best to not have to drive through it.
-The work van he fucked her in that is parked by the business we had to sell because his As took his attention off the business and after I found out, I put in minimal effort. Also in <stinky town> so thankfully I don't see it often.
-That business, even though it was my baby for nearly 10 years before the PA (and I did what I could for 4 yrs after.) And it's pretty much everywhere. My oldest works for the guy who now does their screen printing. All of his As happened because of that business.
-Coldplay, or any other shitty, boring, pretentious band she liked.
-My old employer, which was, at the time, conveniently located 2 blocks from my business (I worked both for my business and for a government-type agency at the same time, while WH fucked around and did diddly squat.) but then 3 months after DDay, AP decided she should get a job there as well.
-Any show with infidelity, or, even worse, a show where a person is given a chance to be unfaithful, but they don't take the bait and he/she maintains their integrity. Why couldn't that have been my WH?

OK, responding to my own post here.

-Obvious one when cheating shows up in shows, movies, or songs

-Warts: WH got a wart on his foot and I used to tease him who he was close enough with to get a wart from....jokes on me. Barf.

-Sweatshirts: AP was long distance and he let her keep one of his sweatshirts and she sent him dirty pics wearing it

-The word "gosh": a word I had NEVER heard WH say in his life, but AP said it all the time and he started using it in their conversations

-Canada: the whole dang country

-Hammocks: he mailed her one

There are many. Some have been removed more or less (houses sold, locations not visited any more, etc.) Some are not capable of repetition as they were "one time only" triggers, if that makes sense, they just don’t repeat for whatever reason. Some have dissipated in effect. There are dates that wind me up still, that’s a work in progress.

One that remains is my parents’ dining room table. My wife’s AP was my best friend, my sons’ godfather (Uncle xxx), the best man in our wedding. He came to my family’s Thanksgiving and Christmas more than a few times, before and during the affair. At my family’s dining room table, my father sits at the head of the table. I’m the first born and only son, I sit to his right, my wife next to me. My wife’s AP sat directly across from me, in a position of honor. My brother in law sat at the other end of the table. Children and others filled in around that. It was very traditional, but intentional.

My mother has died and that table been passed on to my sister, and the AP banished years ago, of course. But still we gather around that table, in the same positions, but that seat across from me is a trigger, knowing he sat there eating my family’s food, enjoying a family he did not have on his own, all the while fucking my wife.

So yeah, that one still stings.

My WH’s A was in 2012. I was triggered by the OW’s name, her profession (teacher), our old house - when I found out she’d been there and he had sex w her there on our couch and in our bed - EVERYTHING had to go; the LR furniture, the bedroom furniture, anything this woman potentially touched was thrown away. The house was sold bc I couldn’t live there anymore- we also moved out of state. (from southeast USA to the west coast). Anytime I visited that town I’d feel anxious. My FIL still lives there - very small town, everyone knows everyone - I used to fear that we’d run into her or one of their mutual friends. They went to HS together, same graduating class so you can imagine HS reunions We actually don’t go to his HS reunions anymore. Their EA started around March 2012 and became physical in May; so May used to be a big trigger for me - especially Memorial Day bc that’s the day/weekend I found out it was a PA and the day he asked for a Divorce - and the day I kicked him out. Triple whammy. Family gatherings are a huge trigger - his cousin is the same age, she also graduated with both him and the AP and the AP is one of her closest friends….the cousin actually knew about and ENCOURAGED the affair. She’s trash herself and I can’t stand her - she actually showed up to my husband’s military retirement party WITH ANOTHER MAN who was NOT her husband. Imagine that very awkward and uncomfortable conversation I had to have with my parents when she showed up at my parents house w this dude on her arm. What a whore. So seeing the cousin is a huge trigger - especially when she wants to be all huggy and friendly with me. Fuck her and her whore friend. The AP’s other BFF has a daughter the same age and grade as my son - so on their 8th and 12th grade graduations I was anxious thinking the AP was going to be there at the event supporting her friend’s daughter. I was constantly scanning the crowds. It was a terrible day - both times. We sold husband’s truck bc he gave her a ride in it. So basically ANYTHING she touched had to go. I’m to the point these days I could care less if I ran into her. The one time me & my husband did run into her it was at a farmers market in 2014 and she froze when she saw him and then burst into tears and ran off. APPARENTLY she was upset because he "ruined her life". She had told ppl that my husband had "promised" her that he would divorce me and they’d run off and get married - so she says, based on that "promise" she filed for divorce from her husband and kicked her husband out. Well when their "plan" backfired and we reconciled, she tried to crawl back to her husband - but guess what happened? OBS was sick of her lying cheating ways and kicked her to the curb and divorced her. He’s now remarried and she’s a frumpy, dumpy 50-something year old woman living alone. Karma is a MF’er. Actually karma said "Ha Ha Fuck You". She stalked us online and used to drive by our house at night that’s how disgruntled and bitter she was. And that’s why we had to move 2500 miles across the country so she could leave our family alone. In the beginning I used to have A LOT of triggers - as each year went by they got easier and easier. I can hear that name and not feel like I’m gonna throw up in my mouth. I can go to that town and not feel paralyzed by anxiety. I never had low self esteem - I knew what I brought to the table. I think she was more afraid of running into me than the other way around. But that didn’t mean I wanted to. It’s been almost 11 years since their A. It does get easier. But that doesn’t mean I like the woman. I still loathe her because she scared the shit out of my kids - esp my son who was 10 at the time; they used to see her drive by our house in the middle of the night and it would scare them. She was unhinged and I finally decided that giving her just 2 seconds of my thoughts was giving her too much power over my feelings.
Edited to add: CELL PHONES. Whenever I see my husband on his cell phone, laughing, smiling, texting I feel this sense of panic and dread. That’s how he carried on his EA - thru text messages. He’s a first responder and all the firefighters & EMS guys on his shift are on one big group chat. They share the stupidest things - fart jokes, stupid memes, always cracking jokes on each other - it’s childish and juvenile to me - for them it’s a way to blow off steam. They get a big kick out of it during shift when they’re waiting for 911 calls and lately it’s been off shift too. It triggers me so much that asked my husband to leave his phone in another room when he’s home with me. That “ding” when a message comes in - I want to stomp that phone to bits. Suffice it to say - my phone is on silent and stays that way!!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 4:24 AM, Thursday, February 23rd]

I have a few as well. Some are stronger than others.

- Any country music, powerful trigger.
- Going through or even hearing the name of the town where she shacked up with him.
- Any time I see or hear a date from 1986, story, news item, movie, song, etc. and our family photos from then.
- Hearing his name or the female friend she went there with, even if it is not referencing them.
- When she intimates that I should just get over this already and move on, tired of dealing with it.
- Hearing about friends or family going through an infidelity episode, thankfully pretty infrequent.
- When she judges others for secret keeping or infidelity.

- London. Luckily FWH has really helped me with this one. He’s taken me there a few times, making sure to hold my hand the whole time and help me to feel safe, so it’s getting easier.

- The county where AP lives. We have to drive through it occasionally to get somewhere. The trigger’s not as intense as it used to be, but I still hate even reading the name of the county.

- A weekend away we had a few weeks before DDay. Let’s just say he pretended to be ill so slept in another room so he could sext her. I can’t bear even thinking about that weekend.
- The MC we foolishly went to. We were told how amazing he was, but he obviously took against me and decided I was the cause of the A (although he never actually verbalised it that way). He didn’t recognise my traumatised state, although looking back I can see that I was displaying obvious signs of trauma which I would recognise in someone, so it’s alarming that an ‘amazing’ counsellor didn’t pick up on it. Then he twice told me I spoke to FWH like a ‘jackhammer’. We both told him this is not how I normally talk, and that I was extremely stressed, but he said it again. I consider this verbal abuse, and we made a formal complaint to the practice. But it’s still a huge trigger.

There used to be so many more, but after nearly 4 years they’re fading away at last. But I will never forget the visceral pain I used to feel- heart thumping, tearful, shaky and sick and unable to even think of anything else. I am ‘lucky’ in that FWH has been remorseful and has gone out of his way to help me to feel better and get through them. It’s rare for me to get too painfully triggered these days. But it’s always there in the background.

[This message edited by Chicklette at 2:13 AM, Tuesday, February 21st]

Triggers:

- The city where she lives, about 25 miles away.

- Two city parks where they went walking and even snuck behind bushes to do it.

- The theater where he performs and volunteers since he invited her to volunteer there with him.

- The couch where they screwed in our house. It has since been replaced, but I was looking through photos the other day and the couch was in the background in one. It set off my anxiety in the worst way.

- Our wedding anniversary since I discovered they once did it on that day.

- His work phone since that’s where I discovered proof that they were still talking after D-Day.

I’m sure there are more, but these come to mind right away.

Hundreds of songs.
Movies or shows with infidelity.
Storage containers.
Certain cars or trucks.
A couple of tops my wife refuses to get rid of.
A fire pit, where we burned a little pink purse she would bring to the motel.
Little pink purses.
Many dates. Unfortunately my mind remembers dates too easily.
Motel pictographs on the highway.
Certain city names.
A certain restaurant franchise.
Baby powder, secret deodorant, hair ties, baby wipes.
AP's name.
Expressions FWB, hook up etc
Short men with glasses.
Public phones.
Messenger Ding. Especially at certain times of the day.
Any mention of my sister in law.
Certain cell phone ring.
Men with blue eyes.
My wife.

The ones that come out of the blue for no apparent reason. Example. I was listening to a radio show and the host mentioned how someone must have a lot of trust in his team mate. It made me remember how much trust I once had. Now the only person I trust, is myself.

Her name. Recently had a friend request from someone who is mutual friends with many I know but won't accept it because she shares the same name though different spelling.

Place she lives, there are way too many areas with the same name.

Certain bands I know she likes and I can no longer listen to.

The sting of triggering dates has lessened a bit but her birthday is still one that I loathe.

Any reference to infidelity in films and shows especially since most treat it like a joke.

The brand Dickies. The skank bought him some of their merchandise. One was a jacket in the back of his car so he could wear it when he saw her. It went into a trash can at a local park when I was in discovery and ransacked his car looking for things.

Steven King's pseudonym Richard Bachman. When I began confronting and having people check FB for me before I had an account she opened one under that name with WH as the only friend so they could use it on Messenger.

Raos. I've never been able to find out if it is her or her husband that has ties to it, one definitely does and their products are everywhere. I try to just walk by and ignore when in the market however last week I was having a conversation with a sweet elderly lady at the meat counter who told me she adds short ribs to her sauce and how much flavor it gives. I'm thinking the whole time she makes her own sauce as I do until she says "I use Raos it's the best sauce out there" and I just nodded thinking there goes the universe having a laugh at my expense.

F***ing sauce. Who would ever think that could be a trigger but that's what makes them so insidious because it could be anything random.

My xWS is my biggest trigger. Interesting enough most of the A triggers went away when I left the xWS.

Any public library...she worked at our local library and exwh would visit with her while she reshelved books...ugh

Her name

Lord of the Rings....they were both infatuated with the series of books and in their texts, they referred to each other as Sam and Rosie and quoted all this dialogue that came from the books.

Any YMCA...we had a membership at our local YMCA and that's where they met and walked together every day, unbeknownst to me.

Our former town....I have moved to Florida but they both still live together there.

There is a 41 year age difference between them so anytime I see an older man with a younger woman, I just want to go up and slap the shit outta both of them..

Vegetable soup...my ex always made vegetable soup and it was really good. In one text to the AP, he asked how she and her kids liked the vegetable soup he made.

Ok, the list could go on but I'm tired...

I like Activated better also. I don't get activated very much anymore. The two I notice are situations

1) Feeling too comfortable/safe in our relationship can sometimes cause me to feel uncomfortable.
2) Spring/summer.

Thankfully my triggers these days are more just irritations than all-encompassing things, but they are for sure still there.

-Polyamory anything. nope nope nope.
-narwhals. My 39 yo wxh's 18yo ap gave him a stuffed narwhal that he brought home and put on display (of course he had a whole story about it that was total BS). I made confetti of that damn thing and threw it into his boxes when I packed his crap.
-teenagers
-tattoo shops (working on reclaiming this one)
-bowling (this is where he wanted to take her on their 'first date' - apparently was a HUGE marital issue that I hate bowling and wouldn't go)
-that alexa device, is close enough to her name that it irritates me.
-dodge ram pickups
-several different bands that he introduced me to during A time... that she had introduced him to.
-sushi (also apparently a huge marital issue that it wasn't my favorite)

That's the major ones anyways. So many smaller ones - even 4.5 years out it still slams into me sometimes.

In the early days it felt like everything was a trigger - I think that is because I was truly "activated" almost all the time. I spent a lot of time forcing myself to reclaim places and locations that were significant to me. Over time, the number, frequency, and severity of triggers has decreased markedly. At this point, they mostly just feel like reminders.

That said, I got properly triggered last summer when my husband bought a pack of gum to practice blowing bubbles with our daughter (age 4). He's never been a gum chewer but during his A kept a pack of gum in his bag for the times the AP gave him a "ride home" from work. He wanted to mask her taste (yes... that taste) on his mouth for when I gave him a kiss on his way in the door. Seeing a pack of gum in the console of our car spiked my adrenaline and sent me back into investigative mode.

Movies / novels where the couple love /cherish/desire each other and live happily ever after. Not sure if this is a trigger or this is just me being jealous/ insecure and craving what I never had and never will.

Besides that the damn phone. WH had a entire second life hidden in that phone.

Thank you all for sharing! It is comforting to know I’m not the only one.

Oh that DAMN phone. I’m with you there. If I come around the corner and my husband is looking at his phone my stomach lurches. About 1.5 months after dday I had to buy a new cellphone. It was torture being surrounded by all those phones. At one point I had to leave the store because I felt like I was going to

* Almost any semi attractive woman on a screen (makes zoom meetings fun).
* Any attractive Asian woman. Sorry, I HATE that but I can’t control it.
* The word "chat."
* The word "profile."
* The word "cute"
* The word "thong"
* The word "prostitute"
* Infidelity on TV.
* The two names he used in his fake Facebook account and as a profile name on dating apps. Was reading a book out loud to my students the other day and BOTH those names appeared within a page of each other. I felt myself leaving my body.
* hotmail
* basement bathroom, especially if door is closed
* My own bed and bedroom
* South Korea
* My living room couch.
* The phrase cat phishing.
* My husband’s phone sitting literally anywhere.
* "Facebook"
* At this point literally any photo from the past. I hope that goes away but everything seems like a shocking lie. I hate those "memory photos" that pop up on my screen.
* Any beach or tropical scene. At the psych ward they kept showing those scenes for a calming effect and they just made me cry.
* Hawaii
* Any mention of selfies.
* If a person holds up three fingers.
* For some reason thinking about my parents. I guess I get overwhelmed because I know they never wanted this for me.
* Feeling too comfortable with him (someone else mentioned that and I totally get it).
* Portugal

I better go because I need to take my hydroxyzine (PTSD drug) now I am so glad I found SI.