Advice for getting through one year d-day anniversary
Hey All - one year ago my world blew up. Hitting the one year mark is hard and every damn thing is triggering me. Any advice or words of encouragement appreciated!
7 comments posted: Monday, November 13th, 2023
First Ketamine Appointment done!
Hey All -
I posted a while back about cPTSD complicated by the betrayal trauma 6 months ago. I decided to give ketamine treatments (nasal spray) a go and I promised to update.
I almost didn’t go this morning because I was so scared. I was so worried about a negative reaction. I only got there in baby steps by saying to myself, "Okay you are just getting in the car, but it doesn’t mean you are doing this." Then it was, "Okay you are checking into the clinic but that doesn’t mean you are doing this." Well, long story short I DID it. Laughed a lot, cried a little. Afterwards wrote a few realizations in my journal. I will be doing 5 more sessions. They say it will take some more sessions before I would see a difference in my daily life. But I am just so happy I didn’t let fear rule the day. I will continue to update in case there are any others out there struggling in this way that ate considering treatment.
One unexpected thing is that the nasal spray will be covered by my insurance!
6 comments posted: Wednesday, June 28th, 2023
Hi All - I am really continuing to struggle with severe PTSD. I’m in therapy, I’m on meds, healthy diet and exercise. But I’m a triggered mess all the time. I get confused and disoriented and so so so angry. Sometimes I don’t even remember all of it. I’ve already tried brainspotting (similar to EMDR) without success. I am getting a consult in May for ketamine treatments. I will try anything at this point. Has anyone here tried ketamine treatments? Does anyone have words of hope or encouragement?
4 comments posted: Friday, April 7th, 2023
Need to feedback … feeling ungrounded
Okay so I just had a conversation with my husband and I am reeling. I would like some feedback on whether or not I’m overreacting.
Basically, WH’s first infidelity was six years ago when he saw a sex worker in South Korea. He spent $1500 dollars on her. This fact is especially painful because for many years over our 28 year marriage he was super controlling with money. Like I remember waiting over a year to buy a $40 wall hanging. I remember being questioned about why I spent $7 on lunch. He would even stand over my shoulder and tell me I was using too much olive oil or coffee grounds. We had enough money but he was super controlling. Eventually, our incomes went up substantially and he worked on his control issues and relaxed A LOT, but the damage is still there. So … because of this history it was SO painful to find out the amount he spent (and he was super ashamed to tell me). Okay … fast forward to tonight.
As I mentioned in another forum, I have cPTSD so on DD (three months ago) I drove myself to the hospital and checked myself in. My sister committed suicide so with this in my family I just can’t be careless with my mental health. While I was there I kept hearing from multiple practitioners, "You did the right thing." I saw the bill today and it was $1000. I mentioned it to my husband and he exclaimed, "$1000!" Then he glared at me and said, "How long have you been sitting on this information?"
I was soooo upset and told him so. He gave kind of a weak apology and then we stopped talking because my 17 year old walked in. At that point my husband just picked up his guitar and started playing away while I am just gutted. He spent $1500 on a prostitute and hid it from me. Then when I found out, I needed a hospital stay BECAUSE of what he did with that $1500. My bill was LESS than that and he has the audacity to question it?
I am upstairs sleeping in a different room and I told him I need some space and I am extremely upset. He keeps saying I am right and he is sorry but he isn’t sure why I’m THIS upset. There is just something so abusive about this whole thing and a simple apology feels lame and like not enough. Thoughts?
BTW because I know some will want to check in about this: yes I’ve been STD tested, we are both in counseling, he is getting treatment for sex addiction, and he has been (for the most part) very remorseful and very supportive of me in my trauma. He gave me a very detailed timeline and also shared it with our MC. I am going to switch my IC to a person who specializes in betrayal trauma in spouses of sex addicts. He IS seeing a sex addiction specialist. He is taking sobriety very seriously, apologizes a lot, answers all my questions.
Thank all of you so much for your support and feedback.
1 comment posted: Monday, February 13th, 2023
Just coming for some support
Well, here I am.
My husband was also my best friend. I never suspected anything. I have a lot of trauma in my background and with this additional trauma, I couldn't cope. On d-day, I checked myself into the hospital. I'm doing better now - even back at my full-time teaching job. I have an official depression and PTSD diagnosis and I'm on meds.
We slept at different locations for awhile but he is now back at home and sleeping in the guest room. I'm not even sleeping in our bed ... I am on a couch (which I find comfortable). I just can't sleep in our bed right now. My husband has been showing a lot of remorse and wants to reconcile. He did the whole messed up "trickle truth" thing at first, which was really fun with my PTSD. He swears he has told me everything now and there have been no more disclosures for about a week and a half. He has been very patient and open as I've asked him questions and questions and questions.
If you would have asked me, "who is the most trustworthy person you know?" a month ago I would have said, "my husband." But he had an encounter with a prostitute while on a business trip six years ago. He tested himself for STDs right when he got back and I just tested as well and we are all clear there. He was also active on sex chat / dating sites four years ago. He says it lasted around two-three months and he was on about 5 different sites.
I'm devastated. I loved him SO much. But the way he was able to just lie to me all these years makes me feel like I don't really know him. And I had no idea that it was possible to be in this much pain. I've been through a lot of shit ... but this? This is just horrible.
We are each in IC and we are interviewing marriage counselors right now. But when I'm asked if I want to reconcile, I'm just so confused. I love him and it is difficult to imagine life without him. However, there is a huge risk with this. If he cheats again I really don't think my brain can stand another trauma. When I got out of the hospital and my meds were adjusting, I had a psychotic break. It was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced and scary as hell.
I am glad to be on this site and glad you are all here sharing your stories.
12 comments posted: Saturday, December 3rd, 2022