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Just Found Out :
Am I better off knowing the details?

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 theshockofbetrayal (original poster new member #80441) posted at 5:12 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Is this a crazy question? It's likely different for each of us, but does knowing the details of the encounters help? For those of you who have not read my original post, my H twice succeeded at paying a prostitute (2 different women.) There was a third attempt, but he was arrested instead. That's the only reason I know. He states he received oral sex; not intercourse. I believe he used a condom since he is terrified of disease. But...to the point at hand...do I want details? (I cringe already at the ones I have.) In the long run, is knowing the truth better than living with the images my imagination conjures up?

Thanks again to to all of you. I have never been involved in any forum and this has already proven to be helpful.

[This message edited by theshockofbetrayal at 5:18 PM, Thursday, July 21st]

theshockofbetrayal

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022   ·   location: FL
id 8745670
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Would you rather know, or would you rather always wonder?

I think it's a personal decision.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 835   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8745672
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 5:22 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

What do you need in order to heal? What do you need in order to eventually forgive (for your own well being)? Some people need details some don't. Only you can answer this for yourself.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8745674
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:25 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

If I feared the answer to a question, I forced myself to ask it. I did not want to do a lot of work and then find out that one of my fears actually happened.

Also, every true answer to a question built up a little bit of trust in my WS - I took true answers to mean that she had in fact decided to stop lying.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27424   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8745685
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HeartbreakInHawaii ( new member #80401) posted at 7:29 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Hi The Shock,
I found this thread in Reconciliation to be helpful: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/656878/the-minefield-of-details-and-dealbreakers/.
There's pros and cons on both knowing and not knowing.
Hope that helps!

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8745687
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:36 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

In order for him to fix himself, he needs to be honest with you. No secrets. And you can't heal completely, if you don't know what you are healing from.


Gently,there are many,many betrayed spouses here, who thought the same thing..that a condom was used,because they were terrified of disease. And it was a lie.

Also,if he were really terrified of disease, he wouldn't have gone to a prostitute.

I think you need the details,because believing his lies only sets you up for more pain later.

posts: 4495   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8745688
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:43 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

When you are brand new to this it's pretty overwhelming as far as details.
This breaks down into 2 categories.

1. The actual timeline. What happened w/ who, when and where. This doesn't need to be the minute details, but what happened. To R and to heal w/ a partner you need this 100%. You as the victim of betrayal need to know the depth, and breadth of betrayal to know where you are starting when you try to rebuild.

2. The nitty gritty of each betrayal. Who did what to whom, what the how many kisses, BJ's, etc the actual explicit details of each encounter, well that is very individualized. For some they need to know it all to be able to quiet the mind movies, the imagination of what happened can be much worse than the reality. For others knowing it can be more traumatizing. And each person should definitely evaluate within yourself how you will deal with it before you say you need it all.

For me I deal with hard facts in reality. I needed to know it all, and I needed to know that if I asked a question that I was getting the truth, and he would share it no matter his level of shame. He did it and was willing to own it, to help us heal and move forward.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19420   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8745691
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 7:48 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Sorry that you find yourself here. I needed to know details because the mind movies I was having were terrible.

I had a list of several questions that I would ask at different intervals, and would typed out the answer. When I would review them, and note any changes. Then I'd question why the answer was different. This helped me to know if he was telling the truth or not. Mostly, it was not.

After awhile, I got to the point where knowing more details wasn't really going to change anything.

One of the main viruses that causes cancer is HPV, which can be a cause of throat cancer. He may want to get that checked, too.

ETA: Second time was basically sexual assault, but was a boundary violation. Pulled the plug and went for D.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:16 AM, Saturday, July 23rd]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1239   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8745695
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 7:50 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Like others said this is a personal choice, but for me details matter and I absolutely wanted the painful truth.

Also, remember waywards minimize the hell out of their actions, and withhold some of the more damning or grizzly details.

For example with my WH he says:
"I felt so guilty after sex I couldn't sleep I left at 5am"
I went thru his Uber app and found out he called the Uber to the hotel at 10am, so he slept just fine and left at a reasonable hour.

He said:
"There's no more, you don't need to keep searching"
After going through his phone I found videos of him receiving oral from a different woman a year prior.

THEY ARE NOT HONEST OR TRUTHFUL.

Your husband says it was only 3 times, I don't buy that for a second.
No intercourse? Don't buy that either.

My first husband was also into escorts and prostitutes...it was ASTOUNDING how many calls and texts with them...even on our honeymoon. That's why I say he's just saying it's been 3 times...it's probably way more and this is just when the cup overflowed and he got busted.

I'm sorry, take care of yourself and don't let him manipulate you.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 75   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8745697
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:02 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

My general sense is that many people want details. Now details are subjective. Some are fine with - "we met up 5x and had sex" while others want info such as "we met 5x and (fill in the graphic details)".

Now - how you know you have all the "details" is questionable as well. Many cheaters swear "no sex" then it’s "ok we kissed" then it’s "yes we had sex blah blah blah".

Personally I think it all stinks!!! But to find out weeks or months later there were important details omitted is THE WORST!

On that note you make it pretty clear that if important details are omitted— it will only make things worse.

Another post said this. Words from the betrayed to the cheater: If you tell me now I will not leave you. But if I find out later I will leave you.

The point is NOW is the time that all the details need to be out there.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8745699
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:16 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

For me, I needed to know because I needed to understand it and the details helped with that. Broad strokes were (mostly) fine (ie. I didn't need a moment by moment play-by-play of whose hand was where when). I would imagine that certain details (ie. sex, condoms) are important to you for health/safety purposes.

The details were sometimes excruciating, but in some instances the stories that were filling in the blanks were actually worse than what the truth was.

For me, not knowing would haunt me. Everyone is different though.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 960   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8745702
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betsy62 ( member #48022) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

I think it depends if you are going to try and R, or if you know you are going to D.
I knew the moment he confessed that we would be D. It was a dealbreaker. It was over.
I did not want or need to know the details.
If, we had tried to R, then I would have wanted details.

Sometimes, you must forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve

posts: 483   ·   registered: May. 26th, 2015
id 8745721
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 10:09 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

I asked a lot of questions, but I think the encompassing need behind them was simply to understand that things "made sense". My wife was reluctant, and lied, and minimized, and that made everything worse (to this day it still does). But for those parts of her story, where it made sense and rang true, I usually felt like I then had enough info.

In short though, if you're not satisfied keep asking. You'll know when you get there!

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 336   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8745723
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:10 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I have a different take and have a direct recommendation. Skip the details.

Your WH had sex (oral only as he proclaims) with a hooker. This wasn’t an emotional thing for either of them. Hookers have sex with customers in a technical manner. It’s a business transaction to them.

So in my opinion don’t get the details because they are irrelevant. You know technically what a blowjob entails. The hooker didn’t enjoy it snd your WH did, from a physical standpoint.

I’m not downplaying your WHs transgression one bit. What I’m recommending is to skip the details.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8745744
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InRetrospect ( member #18641) posted at 4:37 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I agree with Dude67. These were business transactions, albeit highly inappropriate. I would be more concerned about his lying, about whether he has had more meaningful extramarital relationships, and how he plans to quit this kind of behavior in the future. A BJ from a prostitute is unsavory, but not that significant in the long run, so who cares about the sordid details. He was a fool.

What is it with men?

posts: 287   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2008   ·   location: California
id 8745900
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I didn’t need to hear the details because I walked in on them having sex.
I can share one thing. Maybe something that has happened with time…

My imagination is much worse than what I saw…

I can imagine two people going at it like tryouts for the last spot on the Sex Olympics Team.
I can imagine earth-shattering orgasms that start off the seismic meters, 12 inch schlongs, a tongue that puts Gene Simmons (Kiss) to shame, the suction power of a sturdy calf… Things that would probably drive me crazy. Instead I saw two people humping.

I’m so grateful that I had to deal with reality rather than my imagination.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8745903
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 4:21 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Bigger, that’s a great perspective. I can’t count the hours, and days, that I’ve spent trying to understand all of the things that she lived through and has just held in her bag of secrets. Being an eyewitness would’ve been a bigger shock, but the healing/decisions could have started 13 years ago and avoided all of this limbo.

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 336   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8745989
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Numis67 ( member #57209) posted at 6:12 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

Here is my thought on your dilemma: My XWW had two PAs. The first time I wanted every sordid detail. I don't know if I got the entire truth, but I got a goodly chunk of it. After the second PA I did not ask for details - I didn't want to deal with that painful info again.

With hindsight as my guide, I would not have asked for the sordid stuff the first time.

Good luck to you.

Infidelity is not simply a mistake. It is a series of decisions made for selfish reasons at the expense of a significant other.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: Missouri
id 8745994
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 7:08 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

The more I knew the worse the mind movies got. I agree with bigger. I think my imagination made things worse. I asked alot of questions and the answers I got made me lose sleep. I still suffer from insomnia time to time. Its gotten better over time and im starting to sleep like a baby again after 5 years. Sometimes I do ask myself would it have been better if I didnt know all the glory details. Most likely but then again if I didnt know everything would have been able to move forward. Probably not. Its a constant mind battle but after 5 years I can tell you the anger has subsided and the mind movies have stopped. Not completely as I do get a moment of weakness....but it really is just a moment.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8745997
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 5:01 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

I agree with those who say it's unique to the individual. For ME, the few details I did get actually helped the mind movies. Don't get me wrong, it was painful and awful to "process" them, but what continued to bother ME were all the details I never got.

Others may have the exact opposite reaction.

It was probably around the 6 month mark that I was able to really ask myself what any particular detail mattered to me, and, the all-important question of "how will knowing this help me HEAL"? I think others have given you a pretty wide range of how they fell on that question. One 'theory' I have is that our basic personalities do come into play here - IOW, I am a puzzle person, and very much a researcher (to a fault - I can go down a time-sucking rabbit hole pretty quick on all kinds of non-infidelity related questions). It's just kind of how my brain "works", and always has. But a whole heckuva lot of other folks don't have that - their brains can "work" and process (and, for infidelity, heal) with very little information.

My suggestion is that you ask your WH to prepare TWO timelines - one that is "PG" and one that is "X" rated. Read the PG version, and then ask questions - or one question. Then give yourself a bit of time and see how the answer to that X-rated question feels, how you are able to process from it, or if you feel worse. This part can take some time - and every flipping second can feel so excruciatingly long during the first few weeks/months, so it can be a real challenge. And if you can't wait or rip the bandaid off and read the x-rated version, give yourself some grace. This is TRAUMA, and it does weird things to our brains (and I do mean that in a literally rewires things way).

Every WS is also different. I do believe that the vast vast majority will swear on their children's graves while lying through their teeth just to cover their own arses. It's a real mindf*ck in that not only did they lie and cheat, but they can't seem to stop themselves from still doing it, so the BS is gobsmacked enough by the infidelity, but then really can't get any grip on "who the F is this person I'm married to and thought I knew?"

I get the sense that you believe your WS is at least making some effort to be truthful, so my hope is that he will put some effort into a timeline and honesty about it. Personally, I think those detailed timelines are important for the WS, as it's hard to compartmentalize what you have to write down & face (in black & white), and they have usually become pretty skillful at avoiding their own stuff. Just my opinion.

I think it comes down to trusting your gut. Which is really hard in the immediate aftermath, as we trusted our gut WRT our spouses, and then got hit by the freight train of infidelity. It can take time and, for me, a LOT of work and therapy, to get back to trusting ourselves.

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3824   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8747107
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