Sorry this forum was correct...the TTs have started
Well, Yup, as you all thought I was a sucker and believed him when he said it was only 3 times (last time being arrested.). Turns out he'd had 3 additional attempts that turned out to be scams as well as visits to strip club w/lap dances and porn on & off for the past few years. He shared the last two...Since he couldn't recall the timeline, I didn't trust him and went through his devices. Of course he'd cleared his Hx but Google Maps had his recent destinations. Hmmmm..am I dealing now with a sex addict?
Our therapist had us at a place of trust and vulnerability my WH promised I knew the truths. As per this forum, I asked for the whole truth - everything (including lying through omission) and even told him I need to know now because I don't want to find out later that there was more...well....as you all predicted, there was more. As you all said he "he wanted to protect me and told me the worst parts and didn't want to cause me more pain." Nope. That's all about protecting himself.
NOW he swears I have the everything. Said so in front of the therapist, but he did that last time too.
It's so sad...we actually had the best week we've had in years. Painful times of course, but the most connected week I can recall in I don't know how long. Then BOOM - the not even close to healed wound ripped open, gaping and oozing.
With the new information I feel humiliated all over again. I feel stupid and once again he's beating me while I am down.
17 comments posted: Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022
Am I better off knowing the details?
Is this a crazy question? It's likely different for each of us, but does knowing the details of the encounters help? For those of you who have not read my original post, my H twice succeeded at paying a prostitute (2 different women.) There was a third attempt, but he was arrested instead. That's the only reason I know. He states he received oral sex; not intercourse. I believe he used a condom since he is terrified of disease. But...to the point at hand...do I want details? (I cringe already at the ones I have.) In the long run, is knowing the truth better than living with the images my imagination conjures up?
Thanks again to to all of you. I have never been involved in any forum and this has already proven to be helpful.
32 comments posted: Saturday, July 23rd, 2022
How does this work? Broken
Warning: A bit of a rambling post...so grateful for those who read it. At times the pain feels unbearable.
After 31 years of marriage my husband was caught in a sting and arrested for soliciting a prostitute. He says it was his 3rd time (not being arrested....third attempt with the first two being successful escapades.) He received oral sex, using a condom, and clothes were on with the 2 successful encounters. We have had a tough marriage and we have not had a fantastic sex life especially the past few years. He had a ridiculously awful childhood and I have felt taken advantage of for years. He has been in therapy for years and I have questioned how much they focus on how to have a good marriage. Communication has always been a problem as he struggles to face his history. He has not been able to hear my side of things and it has been very difficult. I have thought of leaving before, but never have for a host of reasons which probably boil down to: I am scared. Also, prior to now, we did have trust and neither of us have ever questioned our love for one another.
Now, needless to say, a line has been crossed. He is not denying or making excuses (beyond at first saying that he "compartmentalized" the behavior but now sees that it was stupid and no excuse.) Weirdly, he said that he really truly believes this would have been his last time (3rd in 3 months) because he is so nervous and upset beforehand and afterwards that he gets sick. Irrelevant, of course. He keeps saying that he is sorry that he is the one who caused all my pain.
I feel doubly betrayed because he has been seeing a psychologist for many years who knows of our marriage; we have actually met in passing. My husband says that when he raised this idea with the psychologist, e just supposedly let him talk and did not weigh possible consequences. Aren't psychologists supposed to do what they can to help prevent self destructive behavior without telling clients what to do?
Before reading "what not to do" on this forum I did choose to rub the arrest in his face once he'd posted bail and took an Uber to his car and then home. I printed pictures of hands in handcuffs and posted them all around the house for him to find like little Easter eggs. Mirrors, the fridge, the pillow in the guest room and on the outside of the garage door for him to find as he entered the house. I also wrote out two lists on which I taped his wedding band. I placed this underneath the picture of the hands in handcuffs placed on the now "his" pillow in the guest room. The first list are things that I have asked him to do that are important t me that he has never addressed. The second is a list of feelings I have had over the years about our relationship along with the new feeling of betrayed/devastated and heartbroken.
I am so scared. I have left the house and am staying at a relative's second home (so grateful for that.)
We have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow....I just feel so lost.
15 comments posted: Wednesday, July 20th, 2022