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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Another one bites the dust

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

Remember that a poly has to e about 3 or 4 'yes/no' questions. A poly may be useful to you if that's OK with you. If you have more than 3 or 4 questions, or if the questions aren't 'yes/no', the poly won't help.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27422   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8743177
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 10:33 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

...we’ve made love the last two nights. I sort of avoided saying that here to avoid judgement, which is super weird. I would say that my current state is fragile....


Just my own experience here: hysterical bonding can be awesome and also a double edge sword.

In total honesty: the only sex I've ever regretted with my husband is the HB sex we had after I confronted him about my (later-to-be-proven-correct) suspicions about one of his online affairs, and he was still lying/denying to my face. And also the first HB sex we had after the affairs came to light. He was somewhat reluctant on that occasion and did want verbal confirmation that we were ok to proceed (and I confirmed). Yet, now I see that as a "pick me" dance and cringe.

Not saying that you will experience any regret. Everyone takes their own road.

So, we did some HB early on, then somewhat infrequent sex for a few months when I realized I was getting the TT.

Eventually we went back to almost normal (pre-affair) frequency for a few months. Then went to zero for about 8 months when I realized that I was managing way too much of his (and our) recovery...and, when I wasn't, then not much work was happening on his part. (I did a soft 180 at that point.)

We are regaining intimacy again after a weird bump in the road with lack of disclosure/communication about something that happened in March of this year. (Not cheating, but failing to communicate about an AP reaching out--obviously, something we had agreed that he would communicate about.)

Just saying that you might expect to stay flexible and tuned-in to your needs, your comfort level, and your own feelings of safety.

During our periods of hiatus, I have finally given myself permission to only be intimate if I feel emotionally safe, and my fWH has been supportive.

I also check in with myself (and also my IC sometimes) that I'm not using a sexual hiatus in a punitive way toward him and that it really is about not trusting him to be a safe partner emotionally for me. My fWH have open discussions about this.

Feeling okay about sexual intimacy post-affair varies widely from person to person, I'm sure.

Some feel more emotionally safe if sex is happening regularly; some have to have the emotional safety for sexual intimacy to feel like a "go." (I'm in the second camp.)

Let your own heart and mind be the guide, obviously. But continue to be kind to yourself (and to keep that radical honesty going with your wife) if your needs change over time.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 177   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8743183
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 1:14 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

Posts are going to be coming slower from me. I need to live in the real world and get friends and family engaged too, and my kids need me. And I haven’t read what had been posted the last day or so, looks like you guys have been active here though. I apologize, I’m just needing to spend my time and mental energy elsewhere right now. But I am, with this post, going to pay homage to the collective wisdom of SI.
- I have no STD’s thank God.
- My insistence of a polygraph created a significant further confession. I gave her an amnesty period and she took it. Timeline starts way earlier, three years ago. Started the hobby to be with him. More to the PA than once, including a hotel meet up.

She’s broken, I’m ok most of the time. We’re processing, enjoying some HB. I’m still here and both of us are saying we want to keep taking steps to R. Now is the painfully slow part of the Bayesian belief, watching what she does day by day to see if her actions are consistent with her declarations of love and new fidelity. Only time will tell.

So I’m going to leave it there. I may not be back for a while, or things may go completely sideways and then I’ll see you tonight. I’m hoping for the former. I am genuinely grateful for the solidarity and advice found here. If we successfully R I will give some credit to this community. God bless.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8743218
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:30 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

Ink. I’m happy that you feel more centered about things.

I would recommend, however, that you still post snd utilize the collective wisdom here. You make it sound like you now have everything under control. You sound as confident about this as you did when you said there was no way you were going to do a poly because you knew better than the good people recommending it here.

The chances of successfully R without your WW and yourself going to IC, then eventually going to MC are limited. You further limit your chance at R without seeking advice here, because a significant number of people here have been exactly where you are now.

Better to seek advice here along the way towards R than to reach a point of extremis then return for help.

Just a bit of advice.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8743229
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:22 PM on Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

Why do people stay married after infidelity?

The truth of the matter is that most don't. A small fraction remain together beyond the 5 year mark, which is about the length of time for a BS to heal sufficiently to ask themselves if they truly want to be shackled to a cheater for the remainder of their lives.

I gave my STBXWW 6 months to show me that she had it in her to redeem herself. She did not. I did it for the kids, so I could look them in the eye and tell them that dad did all he could. I regret losing the 6 months. I do not regret divorcing. In fact, I have never seen a BS that regrets D, only those that regret delaying it.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:23 PM, Sunday, July 3rd]

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8743237
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:18 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

- My insistence of a polygraph created a significant further confession. I gave her an amnesty period and she took it. Timeline starts way earlier, three years ago. Started the hobby to be with him. More to the PA than once, including a hotel meet up.

I'm glad you pressed her on the poly, now don't think for a second that you have it all, wait for the full written timeline, ask lots of questions, then proceed with the polygraph, buckle up, she's already confessed to a full blown LTPA, remember the questions I suggested in my previous post then add as many more as you need to be answered.

Taking up that particular hobby took a lot of planning and well thought lies on her part in order for her to pursue him, sounds like she took the plunge head first into the PA, and let me tell you that a 3 year PA (could be even longer by the time she takes the poly) typically involves lots of sex, passion, gifts, character assassination for the BS, pregnancy scares, and of course deep feelings for AP, sometimes "morning after pills" and even secret abortions not knowing who the bio father may be, I understand you want to try R but I recommend you hope for the best but prepare for the worst, contact a D attorney to know your legal options, while you're at it, at a minimum, ask him about a post-nup, either way you should protect yourself financially.

I understand you want to take some time off SI and that of course is OK and your call, but like another poster mentioned, whatever you decide you'd be better off heeding the advice offered here on SI, it has already paid off big time, again we've seen this very typical scenario play out THOUSANDS of times and could provide valuable guidance along this journey.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 2:20 AM, Monday, July 4th]

posts: 2611   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8743286
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 4:56 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

You are rushing way too fast into R, with a woman who is still putting OM first, and over you I must add. And you still do not fully know the depths of her betrayal. Please be careful as you do NOT know your WW as well as you think you do.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:04 AM, Monday, July 4th]

posts: 401   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8743297
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 6:42 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

I'm sorry ink, I wish it was just once. The best you both can do now is 100% honesty and see where your hearts truly are.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2365   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8743300
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 7:38 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

My insistence of a polygraph created a significant further confession. I gave her an amnesty period and she took it. Timeline starts way earlier, three years ago. Started the hobby to be with him. More to the PA than once, including a hotel meet up.

Follow thru with the poly. There may be even more snakes in the grass.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8743302
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:52 PM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

Ink - and now of course you must realize that your WW lied again when she said that her "I Love You" sign off to her NC letter was just platonic.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8743311
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:12 PM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

I'm happy that you are inching towards a bit more of the truth, though it's highly likely you still only have the tip of the iceberg at this point. I'd remind you that your WW has been actively lying to you for years about this. Actively creating a smoke screen (the hobby) to enable her to build a structure of lies specifically for the purpose of carrying on a sexual and emotional affair with another man. She is well practiced at lying and deception. She's way better at it than you. At present, you are still flat-footed, on your heels even, while she remains several steps ahead of you.

I'm sorry that you are still in that posture, though it's not unusual. So many of us BH's take a long time to get onto our toes an become proactive. First, we're used to viewing ourselves as protectors of our wives. There is a certain cognitive dissonance to learning to view a cheating wife as an adversary. I assure you, she has viewed you as an adversary for a long time, and still does. She is still dancing around the edge, trying to continue evading truth and reality with you. What really helps a BH the most is realizing that the WW is not just an adversary, but a highly skilled and well armed one who is several steps ahead of you.

A few days ago, you posted this:

But I honestly don’t believe she was a huntress here. It would be totally out of all character I know of her or of anything I’ve ever heard of her in 20 years. It doesn’t fit. She is a follower, quite passive. No way she hunted down a guy with an extensive sexual history in plain sight of his wife and two children. That is a story that is beyond credible.

Now, you know she took up the "hobby" as a ruse. The real hobby all along has been a relationship with the AP. The fact that you thought this was "beyond credible" is a testament to how little you actually know about your cheating wife.

If you keep anything in mind, it should be this: she has been lying to you, routinely and profoundly, for years. Lying, sneaking, deceiving. It is her normal. Being honest will feel abnormal to her, even ironically dishonest in the sense that it will be contra to the narrative she has been carrying in her head for years. Nobody wants to be the villain in her own inner narrative. She has almost certainly painted you (in her imagination) as a bad guy, and the AP as her escape, her hero. Everything she says to you at this point is still likely well over 50% bullshit, because she has constructed a narrative in her own imagination built entirely from her own bullshit.

Be careful. Do not let your guard down. The process you are going through is called "trickle truth". It's an awful process, and it is inflicted upon a BH by only the most intractably wicked of WW's.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3939   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8743320
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 3:36 PM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

Good luck Ink. I read your comments not as that you are in control, but taking steps to get real life support and involvement. Trickle truth is awful. Be observant and watch her actions. If she is truly broken she will take actions to resolve her brokenness. Take care of you. Your emotions will continue to be all over the place. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3211   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8743321
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 12:21 AM on Tuesday, July 5th, 2022

Ink - and now of course you must realize that your WW lied again when she said that her "I Love You" sign off to her NC letter was just platonic.

This. That is going to make your decision to R difficult. It seems only because AP has chosen OBS over your WW is she still interested in your M. That's not much to work with. She can't be in love with you, do what she did, and still expressing love towards him. That leaves she's only there because life with you is better than life without (since AP is not an option). Almost have to wonder if she did this to see if AP would reconsider. Even if she does everything right, I think you'll find that it won't be enough to rebuild your trust.

I hope you do yourself a favor and still follow through with the Poly. DDay2 is part of the calibration of the lies. The confession has to be bad after BS is set on a poly since the mild version wasn't enough. The idea is if it's bad enough the BS assumes it's the worst. Like you've moved from a 10% truthful confession to 60%.

Best of luck to you. Really hope it's better than it appears, and you make it out the other side.

[This message edited by grubs at 12:34 AM, Tuesday, July 5th]

posts: 1263   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8743371
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seaandsun ( new member #79952) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, July 5th, 2022

I started to agree with what someone wrote.

obs was involved.

3some /poly relationship mix

A deep and complex relationship will emerge.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2022
id 8743378
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 10:38 AM on Tuesday, July 5th, 2022

I'm happy that you are inching towards a bit more of the truth, though it's highly likely you still only have the tip of the iceberg at this point.

Agreed. I also agree with the posters who are suggesting that you go through with the poly. IMO, she gave you a "bombshell" to lead you to believe that she's revealed all thereby avoiding the poly. Please reconsider. I have been a member of SI for a very long time and have seen this situation play out time and time again. There's more. I'm sorry.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8877   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8743394
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 1:13 AM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

I had a few extra minutes tonight, so…

Yeah, this sucks. I really hope this isn’t true, that there is more, but it’s too possible to ignore it. I told her today that I feel uneasy (how could anyone not in this situation) and I’d be willing to extend amnesty again but that me discovering something would be a disaster. She holds to full disclosure at this time. I think the polygraph needs to still be on the table. What does it mean that I’m feeling bad about subjecting her to it?
I also told her today that I’ve really been struggling with the question of trust and how to rebuild that. She acknowledged that it’s a big problem and likely will be for years. It was good to hear her say that unprompted.

Regarding the I love you, I’m not sure if it matters to me one way or the other if it was platonic, other than potential lying. The whole thing doesn’t make or break on that. And again, she confessed it, could have hidden it and I’d be none the wiser. This is all making my head hurt.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8743489
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

InkHulk,

Assume that the I love you is real, affairs are a form of addiction and the emotions are intense as is the sex accept that as true. She might claim that it is not, but 3 years of an affair is a long time and it requires some explanation from her. Like any addiction she is going through withdraw and you need to assume she still has feelings, 30 years and my W still has feelings for OM1.

I have to agree with the others that OMW knew about it or more likely approved and participated in it. Prepare yourself for any truth. Let your WW know you will listen to her story without getting angry or interrupting.

The affair may have been with OMW at first and then your WW cheated on OMW with OM, your WW may have had a fantasy that OM kids were her kid in some poly sense. Prepare yourself for any truth, but the full truth is the only way to fully recover.

Yes on the Poly do not waver or accept her arguments against it, buy her a note book with lots of pages a 3 year affair involves a ton of details.

DNA your kids, on the STDs you need to monitor yourself for cancer penile/oral etc for the rest of your life due to HPV your WW might have passed on to you. This is especially true if OM or OMW have a large number of sex partners.

I would also expose the OM on social media, his family grandparents, parents, work etc etc. Do it all at once and without warnings or threats it should hit him like a tsunami.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8743498
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:06 AM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

InkHulk,

Sometimes when they confess it's because they fear that exposure is about to happen, or the OM or OW may have been threatening to expose them or blackmail them into sex again. This may be a situation where WW became a part of OMs family, it happens, OM3s family kinda saw my W as family as I found out at his funeral.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8743499
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masti ( member #54237) posted at 3:08 AM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

Sorry you are here Ink but after finding about a 3 year LTA a lot of things will make sense to you now. The denial of affection becomes a lot clearer - she didn't want to cheat on the OM. But it's not just you she put on a lower priority - it's her children too. Bring this affair out to the light, inform her family and yours. Find IC for yourself. Put yourself first before fixing her and the marriage.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8743505
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:18 AM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

Poly’s are the most misused tools in infidelity-handling.
Poly’s are the most misunderstood tools in infidelity-handling.
Poly’s are an important tool in infidelity-handling.

A poly wont really give you the truth. There are too many caveats and limitations. For one they are based on pure factual issues that can be answered yes or no and preferably non-emotionally. Then there is the fact they measure the response of the person being questioned. So if your wife truly recalls they met a total of 8 times but they really met 10 times she would pass with the factual lie of 8, even if you KNOW it was 10.

IMHO the main goal of a poly is to give you a clearer picture of the WS commitment to reconciliation.

Before the poly the demand for total clarity and total truth needs to be established, and your spouse needs to have told you EVERYTHING. You need to poke and question, and once you think you know what you need to know the poly is then used to (try to) confirm her honesty.
For example: If she told you they never met in your home, a question might be "Did you ever meet with OM in InkHulk home?" If she passes it would indicate that she was truthful on that issue, and that would support that she’s been truthful on other issues. If she fails… well… if she hid that fact then what other facts is she hiding?

IMHO a poly is a watershed moment. It should only be used a) when your spouse tells you that she has already shared everything and it should lead to a better place for the couple to reconcile from. Passing a poly indicates the WS is being honest and is showing the BS the trust of knowing the story.
On the other hand, if she fails… IMHO it’s an indicator that reconciliation isn’t going to work.
IMHO it’s a one-shot deal, and the WS needs to know that the poly will be the determining factor on if R is even on the table.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8743508
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