SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recommend against amnesty, as I understand it. Some things are beyond one's boundaries - if the WS did it, it means the end of the M no matter what else is in the mix. I don't think it's wise or necessary to give up the option of ending the M on the basis of a revelation.

The approach I used was, 'Something you tell me now may cause me to walk. If it comes out in 6 months, I will walk.'

Don't box yourself into a corner.

I strongly agree with Sisoon on the concept of "amnesty". It paints a BH into a logical corner. Besides, it's a ludicrous idea in the context of infidelity. Your emotional truth is what it is. Statements like "amnesty" suggest that in some way you will be able to ignore or manipulate your emotional truth, when in fact that is an impossibility.

The amnesty is against the lies that have happened so far. I get it.

What you need to make the decision is the full truth. And rightfully you are saying "if anything comes to light later, I will almost certainly want a D because of the further lying. This is you last chance to get it all out and start the truth. I won't immediately divorce you now for the lies you have been telling. I'm not promising you R. I'm promising you that anything less than the full truth now is D later."

And rightfully you are saying "if anything comes to light later, I will almost certainly want a D because of the further lying. This is you last chance to get it all out and start the truth.

I'm not in favor of "if/then" gambits either. This isn't a criminal court. You're not bound by rules of evidence. This is purely a matter of the heart. You are free, at any time, to say:

I don't believe you. I believe you are lying to me.

or,

I don't trust you. I cannot stay with a woman whom I do not trust.

or any other version of the above. Put the onus on her to figure out how to prove she is giving you the complete truth. For example, bring her device into a forensic discovery expert to recover all of the self-incriminating texts and messages she has deleted.

What is this hobby ? And why is so guarded?

Your wife loves another man who she had an affair with for years. And those are the facts that she has admitted to- we know she lies, so there could be more.

BS's that make it to this site are usually here because they don't want to leave, and you're no exception. WS's are usually not reconciliation material, and given her behavior, your wife doesn't seem to be one of the exceptions.

Yes, you should demand a polygraph at the very least. Why do you feel bad about demanding it? Because you're still emotionally bonded to your wife, which is the same reason you haven't left the marriage even though you used to consider infidelity a deal-breaker. It's normal to bond, just unfortunate that we BS's bonded with the wrong person. When you think about how you feel for her, remind yourself that is how she has felt about the OM. That might help you see this situation a bit more clearly.

InkHulk,

Just digging up a thread I made in general a while ago. Speaking of the "slow part" of the Bayesian updating...

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=655798

Sending strength.

I sincerely wish you the best. I'm not sure how much you know at this point, but I truly hope, for your sake, its not as bad as it appears it may end up being.

IH how are you holding up?

T/j Did any of you pick up what I did earlier? When he mentioned hs friend I KNEW what was coming. I think this was a long term crush, or even, some romance when they were teens. I have seen neighbors and friends leave good marriages for an old romance. I hate to be so negative but I think the OM was using her. I think she was invested.

Ink, if you come back I hope all those questions are answered.