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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Another one bites the dust

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:45 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

I recommend against amnesty, as I understand it. Some things are beyond one's boundaries - if the WS did it, it means the end of the M no matter what else is in the mix. I don't think it's wise or necessary to give up the option of ending the M on the basis of a revelation.

The approach I used was, 'Something you tell me now may cause me to walk. If it comes out in 6 months, I will walk.'

Don't box yourself into a corner.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27422   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8743552
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 4:17 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

I strongly agree with Sisoon on the concept of "amnesty". It paints a BH into a logical corner. Besides, it's a ludicrous idea in the context of infidelity. Your emotional truth is what it is. Statements like "amnesty" suggest that in some way you will be able to ignore or manipulate your emotional truth, when in fact that is an impossibility.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3939   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8743555
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

The amnesty is against the lies that have happened so far. I get it.

What you need to make the decision is the full truth. And rightfully you are saying "if anything comes to light later, I will almost certainly want a D because of the further lying. This is you last chance to get it all out and start the truth. I won't immediately divorce you now for the lies you have been telling. I'm not promising you R. I'm promising you that anything less than the full truth now is D later."

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2028   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8743556
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 4:58 PM on Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

And rightfully you are saying "if anything comes to light later, I will almost certainly want a D because of the further lying. This is you last chance to get it all out and start the truth.

I'm not in favor of "if/then" gambits either. This isn't a criminal court. You're not bound by rules of evidence. This is purely a matter of the heart. You are free, at any time, to say:

I don't believe you. I believe you are lying to me.

or,

I don't trust you. I cannot stay with a woman whom I do not trust.

or any other version of the above. Put the onus on her to figure out how to prove she is giving you the complete truth. For example, bring her device into a forensic discovery expert to recover all of the self-incriminating texts and messages she has deleted.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3939   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8743559
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zen2011 ( member #38459) posted at 4:39 PM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

What is this hobby ? And why is so guarded?

posts: 89   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2013   ·   location: Gulf Coast
id 8744100
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 8:55 PM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

Your wife loves another man who she had an affair with for years. And those are the facts that she has admitted to- we know she lies, so there could be more.

BS's that make it to this site are usually here because they don't want to leave, and you're no exception. WS's are usually not reconciliation material, and given her behavior, your wife doesn't seem to be one of the exceptions.

Yes, you should demand a polygraph at the very least. Why do you feel bad about demanding it? Because you're still emotionally bonded to your wife, which is the same reason you haven't left the marriage even though you used to consider infidelity a deal-breaker. It's normal to bond, just unfortunate that we BS's bonded with the wrong person. When you think about how you feel for her, remind yourself that is how she has felt about the OM. That might help you see this situation a bit more clearly.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8744119
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:34 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

InkHulk,

Just digging up a thread I made in general a while ago. Speaking of the "slow part" of the Bayesian updating...

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=655798

Sending strength.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2028   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8744201
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LegsWideShut ( new member #80302) posted at 6:20 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

I sincerely wish you the best. I'm not sure how much you know at this point, but I truly hope, for your sake, its not as bad as it appears it may end up being.

posts: 4   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8744543
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 2:34 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

IH how are you holding up?

BH 59, WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remairred twice continues to cheat even today WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32 DSD adult 33 DSS adult 30

posts: 262   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8747017
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 7:05 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

T/j Did any of you pick up what I did earlier? When he mentioned hs friend I KNEW what was coming. I think this was a long term crush, or even, some romance when they were teens. I have seen neighbors and friends leave good marriages for an old romance. I hate to be so negative but I think the OM was using her. I think she was invested.

Ink, if you come back I hope all those questions are answered.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8747049
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