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General :
The clean out

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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 10:50 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

So I’ve spent the past two weekends packing all of WHs clothes and belongings into boxes and garbage bags. I didn’t take care- I literally tipped contents of drawers into boxes. I msgd him to tell him he can come by after our sons bball game to pick up his stuff while I took my sons out to lunch.

I made the choice to pack it up myself and I’m glad I did. I didn’t feel sad at all while I was doing it, kind of numb actually, but I did break down after when I saw the empty cupboards. I did feel some satisfaction picturing his reaction when he saw the random things I packed- eg his steak sauce and metamucil powder- because they make me think of him and I don’t want any part of him in the house anymore.

WH made plans with the boys to go play golf later that day and my eldest son got upset when they came home. He said seeing all the boxes in the back of WHs car was so hard and made him feel really sad. He admitted that while his stuff was still here, he felt like dad was just at work. I told him I’ve been telling myself the same thing.

I guess the reality is starting to sink in for all of us.

I sent WH one final email saying that I’m finally beginning to see how little respect he has had for me and how he has treated me like garbage. That if he had any respect for me at all, he would have ended our marriage when his feelings apparently changed over 3 years ago, before getting involved with another woman. It would have hurt at the time but I wouldn’t have been left with 3 years of memories of a bullshit fantasy life and feeling completely destroyed by the way he has treated me.

I also said I think he is a coward and is taking the easy way out. By running away to start this new life, he doesn’t have to face up to the consequences of his actions and the person he really is- someone who says "I love you" while stabbing me in the back. Someone who clearly doesn’t share the same values as I do- honesty, integrity, loyalty. Someone who has complete disregard for me and our marriage.

I ended the email by saying I always thought our relationship was special. That we were different. I no longer see it that way. Now I see for the first time that I lost the man I married years ago.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8740988
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 11:14 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Well done mumabear, I’ve been wondering how you have been getting on.

It’s not easy packing up their stuff (I did it recently) but I hope in some small way it’s given you some small sense of control over the situation. That took strength- well done. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of you. You did great.

It’s so hard but you are getting a little stronger. Even if it’s 1% a day. That’s where I am at and I feel your pain. I know how it feels.

All your kids need is you and your family at this tough time. And you are doing the very best you can in the very worst circumstances. I salute you.

I personally got rid of everything, it was hard. I’ve replaced those cupboards with other things, crystals, books, cards from people that love me. It’s not quite the same but gives me a small sense of regaining my power and hope for the future.

Sending you a massive hug. You should be proud. You are a strong soldier in the worst emotional war! It’s hard to get up every day and keep fighting, I know. Keep going! Sending hugs and admiration. X

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8740990
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:45 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Ugh good riddance!

He said seeing all the boxes in the back of WHs car was so hard and made him feel really sad. He admitted that while his stuff was still here, he felt like dad was just at work

The fact that this was his reaction just confirms that you are better off without him. He is only capable of feeling sorry for himself. By keeping his stuff at the house, he could delude himself into thinking that he was actually abandoning his family. He really thought he would have the same home to go back to once he had his fun.

My ex texted me about how "empty" he felt when he came home from work the day I left. I said I was surprised; I assumed he would be relieved not to see any of my belongings, considering how he would go ballistic if he found one of my socks on the bedroom floor. He had no response to that; I think he called someone else for his pity party.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:47 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 781   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8740993
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 11:47 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

PS I felt great satisfaction throwing his stuff into bags after years of folding his clothes! They went right in with the Polish ketchup I used to buy especially for him! Good for you! X

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8740994
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 12:56 AM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

He said seeing all the boxes in the back of WHs car was so hard and made him feel really sad. He admitted that while his stuff was still here, he felt like dad was just at work.

BluerThanBlue,

I think you misinterpreted my comment. That was how my son felt, seeing the things packed in his dads car. And that seeing dads things around the house made him feel like his dad was just at work.
Sorry if I wasn’t very clear in the way I described that.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8741001
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:50 AM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I also said I think he is a coward and is taking the easy way out. By running away to start this new life, he doesn’t have to face up to the consequences of his actions and the person he really is- someone who says "I love you" while stabbing me in the back. Someone who clearly doesn’t share the same values as I do- honesty, integrity, loyalty. Someone who has complete disregard for me and our marriage.


So proud of you! It's been really hard for you to see what an immoral cad this guy has been because your pain was so intense, but not only are you seeing it, you're VOICING it. That's huge, baby! HUGE!! grin 👏👏👏

Now that you've got his crap out of the way, it's a great time to do a little redecorating. It doesn't have to be big, expensive changes. Throw out the old bed linens and get some new ones. Paint the walls whatever color YOU like. Go through your memory bank and think about every style or color he said he didn't like and then bring it into your design. Get new routines going with your sons. Have a special meal night with whatever foods you didn't get to cook because they weren't his favorites. Start thinking about the little things that you're free to love now that you don't have to care about what he likes.

The ones who leave like to think that their exes are just sitting on the shelf gathering dust and pining. Take some adult learning classes at your community college. Learn something you didn't know about: foreign language, art, cooking, small engine repair, whatever strikes your fancy. Allow yourself some satisfaction in the idea that he doesn't get to sit around all smug in the notion that you can't get over him by doing things which make it look like you're over him.

I know it still hurts like a bitch, but you're doing good. You really are. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5637   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8741009
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:18 AM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Absolutely time to re-arrange the furniture, spread your clothes across the whole closet, get a new bedspread and just make it 100% you.
I have a chandelier in my bedroom now — b/c I am extra like that! It makes me smile every morning when I wake up and see it.

And congrats — you are taking back your power and it is totally badass! Great job!!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4788   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8741012
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 9:09 AM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Thank you Summertime, ChamomileTea and BearlyBreathing.

I am so grateful for this group. There is no freaking way I would have had the strength to pack his things just a few weeks ago. Even though I haven’t posted a lot recently, I’ve still been reading and learning.

I have rearranged my cupboard and spaced my clothes out so I’m not waking up to empty rails every morning. I have moved my bedroom around. I have hung up some of my paintings so I don’t have empty walls where family photos were.

I had an old friend of mine come visit today. I haven’t seen her for over 6 months and she knew only the basics of what has been going on. She was in shock, said all the usual things- she never saw this coming, she can’t believe it, he never seemed like the type of person who could do this…

I admitted I still have fantasies about him coming back. But for the first time today, I actually said I don’t know if I even could take him back now. I can’t live the rest of my life feeling the way I did when he was interstate at the conference- every day would be like that, I would never feel any sense of peace again. I can’t live like that. I don’t want to live like that.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8741027
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:28 AM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I am so so proud of you, you’re so strong and seeing you emerging from all the raw pain and devastation is like witnessing magic.

It will continue to hurt no doubt, healing is a long process. But you’re finding your anger and your voice, you’re seeing him for what he is, a coward man who took the easy route out, a man without values and morals.

Keep posting, I love seeing your progress!

BW - 38 at the time of the AWH - 45 at the time of the ADday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1503   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8741028
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Hannah47 ( new member #80116) posted at 1:05 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Thank you for giving us an update to your story. I read it with smile on my face as now I know that you’ll be fine!

I did break down after when I saw the empty cupboards

Breakdowns are normal. You know the saying, there’s no shame in falling - true shame is to not stand up again! I’m happy to see you have already filled that empty space. Don’t leave it at that. Think about all the new clothes, shoes, and bags that you now have space for. I’m looking at my cramped closet and I’m jealous of your empty space!

I sent WH one final email

Although the usual advice here is to communicate only when necessary (e. g., for kids-related stuff), I think it’s good that you’ve sent that final e-mail. What you wrote sounds very empowering to me, well done!

But for the first time today, I actually said I don’t know if I even could take him back now. I can’t live the rest of my life feeling the way I did when he was interstate at the conference- every day would be like that, I would never feel any sense of peace again. I can’t live like that. I don’t want to live like that.

YES!!!! You deserve so much better! Enjoy your newfound relationship with yourself – that is the most important relationship one can ever have!

posts: 35   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8741034
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 1:29 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I admitted I still have fantasies about him coming back. But for the first time today, I actually said I don’t know if I even could take him back now. I can’t live the rest of my life feeling the way I did when he was interstate at the conference- every day would be like that, I would never feel any sense of peace again. I can’t live like that. I don’t want to live like that.

Even if he came back, swearing his love for you, would you ever be able to reconcile his abandonment? He chose an immoral sleazebag with no integrity over you and his KIDS! Theoretically, kids should be the priority for any parent. As a parent (and I am not sure he deserves that title), you need to be able to look your kids in the eye and tell them you tried everything (and be able to elucidate WHAT you tried) to keep the family together. If you cannot do this, you are failing them and proving yourself to be weak, self-centered and neglectful. It is hard for those of us with integrity to imagine how someone could make choices that directly injure those who are most vulnerable in order to satisfy their own selfish, dysfunctional BS. How I HATE the wayward mindset!!

TBH, I am so glad you found some clarity. It is so important to feel at peace and find comfort in our partners. It is not fair to you or your kids to live a life where you are miserable. You are teaching your kids vitally important lessons in how to respect themselves in order to set boundaries and live an authentic life. Good for you!!

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 709   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8741035
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Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 2:51 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Well done, Muma Bear!! I’m so pleased to see that you are taking your power back. I’m very relieved that you have changed your mindset to realize you deserve better.
Please keep us updated as we care what happens to you and your children. Sending ((hugs)).❤️

posts: 22   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8741042
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:13 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I'm posting on the off chance that you're not aware of the Divorce/Separation forum on SI.

I don't mean to push you to D/S. In fact, superstition keeps me from reading D/S most days, much less posting there. But I recommend reading there, because it's another source of support for you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27290   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8741052
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 4:53 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

(((MumaBear1978))) I am so proud of you! Definitely come down to the D/S forum it helps and there is a lot of support there as well. A lot of us traveling or have travelled this path.

One thing I did with the closet is space my clothes in a way that it is ALL MY CLOSET now. It's absolutely wonderful to see all my clothes blush and the empty cupboards you get to fill with whatever you want now make it yours. I know this is a very difficult time, but you are doing so well given the circumstances. Well done!

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8251   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8741060
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 5:19 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Such a great update! You are handling this, MumaBear. You are so much stronger than you think.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5555   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8741065
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 5:57 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

So very very happy for you mumabear, that takes courage. Well done!

Paint is an inexpensive way to change the space - maybe the kids always wanted a lime green wall?

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3809   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8741068
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Oh my goodness everyone!
I am literally lying here covered in tears. I appreciate ur support so much!
It is 3.11am here in Australia. For some reason I wake up at 3-something every night. My mind starts up so I read posts here on SI until I get sleepy enough to fall back asleep.
Hopefully I’ll start sleeping through the night one day soon.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8741072
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Please keep posting mumabear! It makes me so happy to see your progress. 😄 Our Ddays are the same month, so I feel for you. We will have good days and less good days. But like you I am actually wondering if I would take that POS back after what he’s done.

I also wake at 4am, me and another SI member call it the witching hour. It won’t last forever and I think it’s part of our healing.

I hope you treat yourself to something nice for your bedroom. I’m going to get the paint brushes out!

Well done for being strong and for being a great mum in the worst possible circumstances! You should be so very proud of yourself!

Sending a hug to Oz from the UK! 😄

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8741122
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Thank you Sunmertime.
I actually chose the paint colour of our house and I still love it so I won’t change it but I’m def going out to buy a new quilt cover and a painting or something for my bedroom wall.
Good luck for ur renos!
Big hug right back at ya!

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8741123
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 11:12 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

wow mumabear!!
i am so happy to hear of the tremendous progress you've made since your last post.
i am proud of your courage and resolve
may you continue on this path of self-love and discovery
a whole new world waits for you!!!

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8741126
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