What is my reality?

Hi everyone,
It’s been awhile since I jumped on. I feel like I’m doing pretty well most of the time but then sometimes it all just hits me like a ton of bricks.

Things haven’t changed much since I last posted. The only contact I have with WH is the occasional text msg regarding the house maybe once a month or so. The boys still see him once a week for dinner. I haven’t been in the same room as him since around Sept last year at my son’s basketball game.

I thought early on that I was in denial- I live my life as if he doesn’t exist. I don’t allow myself to think of how things used to be. I don’t talk about him at home. I’ve removed all trace of him from the house. Even when the boys meet him for dinner, I imagine it’s just the two of them going out together.

Is it normal to still feel like this? There is part of me that thinks I’m in some alternate universe. I never thought I’d be able to live without him so this can’t possibly be real life because I’ve lived without him for a year and I’m still here.

But then every trace of my marriage has disappeared, including my MIL (who has never reached out to see how I’m going) so maybe its more like the the past 20 years were a dream and I’ve only just woken up to reality.

I don’t even know if this makes sense.

5 comments posted: Thursday, April 6th, 2023

Feeling triggered

Tomorrow is New Years Eve here in Australia.

It is my youngest son’s 14th birthday.

It will also be one year since WH said he needed some space. When I asked him "are we ok?" he answered no and completely blew up my world. And that was before I found out about his A.

I remember going to bed alone and saying to myself “happy fu&$ing new year”.

I got through Christmas ok, just kept myself surrounded with family. I had my boys with me the whole day which I was grateful for. Seeing them relaxed and having fun was the best part of the day for me. They spent Boxing Day with WH and his family. I went to my mums so I didn’t have to be home alone.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. I need to be strong for my sons. Esp for my birthday boy. But I really feel like falling apart right now.

19 comments posted: Saturday, December 31st, 2022

Legal questions

Hi everyone,

I have an appt with legal aid next week. I have no idea where to start.

WH moved out on 13 May and you have to be separated for at least 12 months in Australia before you can legally file for divorce (not sure if it’s the same in US/UK?).

I’d love some suggestions on things to ask, or things you wished you knew about, early on in this whole divorce mess. WH said he would continue paying the bills and the mortgage when he moved out but I can’t count on him doing that for long. He’s made many promises and broke every single one so I can’t trust anything he says anymore.

Obv my main concern is what is going to happen to our house if he decides to stop paying. And what exactly I’m entitled to when we do divorce. I know I’d get some form of child support for our 14 yr old but our 19 yr old still lives at home and even though he pays for some things (his phone bill, car rego/insurance, petrol, etc) I still pay for everything else.

I currently work part time but I don’t earn enough to cover our mortgage, bills, groceries, etc by myself.

4 comments posted: Friday, September 9th, 2022

Father’s Day

Hi everyone,
I’ve been quietly getting on with this new normal. It’s been 7 months since dday and 3.5 months since WH moved out.

Today in Australia is Father’s Day. I always knew it was going to be a tough day for us.

My boys stayed overnight at WHs new apartment (only the second time they’ve slept over). They went for dinner and had breakfast with him this morning and then headed home around lunchtime.
I actually broke my sobriety last night. I stupidly didn’t eat dinner and just drank wine from 5pm until I started vomiting, around 8.30pm. I had a shower and climbed into bed feeling pretty disgusted with myself. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely horrible.

Usually in the afternoons of Father’s Day/Mother’s Day we head over to my parents place to get together for dinner with my brother and sister and their families. We had planned to go but this afternoon my eldest (19) asked if we could not go- he didn’t feel up to celebrating Father’s Day when his dad isn’t there. He broke down crying and my heart broke all over again for him.

I quickly dropped over just to give dad a hug and his gift and apologised for not staying for dinner. Of course everyone was disappointed the boys weren’t with me but they understood why.

I hate WH for putting the boys through this. I hate that he broke up our family. I hate that he lied to us for so long. I hate that I don’t feel comfortable in my house anymore. I hate that I still see him everywhere even though I tried to remove every trace of him. I can’t sit in the lounge room alone unless the boys are home. I can’t sit outside because it makes me think of sitting out there with him.
If I’m home alone, I’m in my room because it’s the only place I feel ok. I moved all the furniture around but I still hate that I’m left sleeping in "our" bed while he has a whole new environment to live in where he isn’t faced with memories of us every fucking day.

This is so hard. I have some days where I barely think of him but today is just shit.

7 comments posted: Monday, September 5th, 2022

Contacting the AP

I keep having fantasies where I pretend to be WH and I message/email AP.
Is it normal to be thinking about this?
I think part of me wants her to answer my questions so I can see if they match up with what WH has told me.
I want so much to believe he is being open and honest with me but after finding out he has lied and deceived me for 3 years, I’m finding it very hard to.
Has any BS actually done this?

18 comments posted: Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Love or limerence?

I’ve been reading a lot about limerence but I still don’t really understand.

On DD, WH admitted he developed feelings for AP.
AP sent me the screenshots of their msgs. WH had nothing on his phone- he admitted he deleted every msg as soon as he sent it.

He had sent her text msgs saying "I love you X" (insert her name). One msg said "every second I get to spend with you, I fall more and more in love".

When I asked him about the words he had written, he said he doesn’t know if it was really love or if he was just caught up in everything. He says he was confused. The A was 3 years.

Is this limerence? Or do you think it was true love?

15 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022

Blaming myself

I have so appreciated everyone’s replies to my previous posts. One thing I’m struggling with is self-blame…

I do think on some level that I am taking some blame. Not for his act of cheating- I understand that it was his choice entirely to do something that would put our marriage and our family in jeopardy.

I take some blame though for putting him in a constant state of worry- I was going through a really rough time, I actually OD’d one time and he came home from work to find me on the floor. He has lived with the fear of coming home to find me dead, or worse, that our boys would come home to find me dead.

He has always been the "strong" one and held our family together when I fell apart. I have a long history of mental health issues and he felt he couldn’t talk to me about the fears and worries he had because he was scared of what I might do.

So yes, I do blame myself for making him feel like he couldn’t be honest with me. Which meant I couldn’t support him when he was struggling because I didn’t know that he was.

He turned to someone else who offered him support at a time he felt like he was drowning- he said it was like being thrown a life ring.

2 comments posted: Friday, February 4th, 2022

Telling friends

One month since dday. The only people that know are my mum and MIL- they came over the day WH admitted to the A. I had called my mum for support and I ended up telling him to call his mum because I wanted him to have to own up to it to her also. She has always put him on a pedestal and I was hurting so much, I think I wanted him to feel the embarrassment and shame I was feeling too.

I have a very close friend that has been messaging and calling me. She is worried because I’m not getting back to her. We met about 7 years ago in an addiction recovery group. We have shared a lot of personal, difficult times and been there for each other when one of us is struggling.

I feel bad for not answering her calls but I just don’t know what to say. She knows he had gone to stay at him mums (before I even found out about the A). She keeps asking "is he back" and I know she is worried I may have relapsed over this (I haven’t).

She has always been amazed at how supportive WH has been to me regarding my past alcohol
abuse. I just can’t bear to admit how much he has hurt me and that he wasn’t as supportive as she thought because he turned to another woman when he wasn’t coping with the stress of my past relapses.

Do I tell her what has happened? I hate that I’m causing her so much worry and I feel like I need to let her know something but I don’t know how much to tell her or where to even start.

6 comments posted: Thursday, February 3rd, 2022

Detachment?

It’s been one month since dday. New Years Day was the day my life was completely turned upside down. What a great way to start the new year.

I spent that first 3 weeks crying almost nonstop. Vivid flashes in my mind of things they had done. Every trigger causing a rush in my body, which would give me a headache and feel like my body was overheating.

This past week I haven’t been crying all day because the flashes aren’t coming as often. WH is being so supportive, he holds me when I cry and strokes my hair until I can talk. I am telling him every horrible thought that comes into my mind and he answers every question I ask. He is working from home so he’s around all day, he has deleted his Instagram account (how they used to communicate) and is searching for another job because he knows he can’t go back to the office. He has taken off all passcodes on his phone and tablet and said I can check them whenever I need to. We have both read Linda Macdonald’s book that was recommended by some lovely people on here and I do think he is doing everything “right” at the moment- everything he can to reassure me.

I am wondering if at some level I am detaching from the pain though. Yesterday at my mums when she asked how I’m going, I felt nothing as I told her I’ve been crying less and some of the things we’ve talked about. I had a doc appt, the first since dday, and I told her what had been going on without shedding a tear. It was like I was sitting there listening to someone else tell the story.

Is this normal? I think about how completely devastated I was those first few weeks, it almost feels like I’m over it if that makes sense. Why aren’t I crying as much?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 1st, 2022

Feeling Broken

I'm a 43 year old mother of two teenage boys. I have been (what I thought was happily) married for 20 years. I have noticed some disconnection and distance with my husband over the past few months and on NYE I asked him "are we ok?" He said no.
We had a talk (well he talked and I mostly cried) and he admitted he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no.
He suggested staying at his mum's for a few days so we could both clear our heads. He stayed there for 3 weeks. We didn't have a lot of contact in that first week but we started opening up to each other more than we have for years.

In the middle of the third week, we agreed that he would move back home the following weekend. On Friday I received a phone call from a woman he works with claiming she had been having an affair with my husband for the past 3 and a half years. She gave certain details that made me believe her. She said they go to the gym together, shopping, have lunch together every day. And that he goes to see her every day before work. She asked me "don't you ever wonder why he leaves for work so early?" She said he hasn't been happy at home for a long time and asked me "don't you want him to be happy? If you do, you will let him go."
She said he had told her he wanted to move back home but that I need to know he is only coming home for the boys. She said he doesn't love me and hasn't loved me for awhile but he has missed the boys so much and that's the only reason he's coming home.

She told me he was on his way home now to talk to me. When he came inside I told him about the phone call and asked is it true? He said yes.
I called my mum to come over and she sat and held me while he owned up to everything. While we were talking, the OW sent me screen shots of some of his messages to her expressing his love for her, apologising for how long this situation is dragging out and how he can't wait to start their life together. She also sent some photos, including a naked one of him in our bathroom.

He said when he left 3 weeks ago that he realised almost straight away that he could never leave us and spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to tell me about the affair and how to get our family back together. He said he was always going to tell me about the affair but was planning to do it in a more sensitive way than what actually happened. He was angry that she called me and sent me photos. He has apologised over and over again for hurting me and wants to try to work on our marriage if that's what I want. He said he does still love me, he has always loved me, and that he wants to do everything he can to save our marriage.
We have made an appointment with a marriage counsellor. He has moved back home. He is answering every single horrible question that I ask, even though sometimes he says he doesn't want to answer because he knows it will hurt me. But he answers anyway because he doesn't want there to be any more lies and secrets.

I keep getting flashes of his messages to her or I picture some of the things he says he has done with her- sex, going out to dinner, staying overnight at hotels when he's away for work, etc.
I honestly don't know if I'll ever get past this.
My whole life feels like a lie. I am completely devastated and I don't know what to do.

25 comments posted: Friday, January 28th, 2022

Feeling Broken 2

Just wanted to post a follow up to my original post from a few days ago. I’m not sure how to reply to individual responses to my post so I’ll try my best to answer the questions I was asked here.

H has agreed that individual counseling is essential and he is looking into that for himself. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for several years for other issues and I have an appt with her next week so we will definitely be talking about this together.

I don’t really understand why marriage counseling isn’t a good idea? I know there are things we have to work through individually but we have both agreed we need to work on our communication and being more open with one another. I thought MC would help us with that?

He has taken leave from work this week. He told me he will find another job but he can’t just leave now because we still have a mortgage and bills to pay. He has told his boss that after this week he will need to work from home for the foreseeable future (ie until he finds something else).

He has agreed to NC. He admitted he deleted all the messages he sent to her but he has taken off the passcode to his phone and tablet and said I can check them at any time.

I have ordered the Linda Macdonald book that several lovely people mentioned. Should I read it too or just leave him to read it?

There is just so much to process right now. I feel emotionally wrecked. I’m exhausted.

I appreciate everyone’s replies and I look forward to hearing from you again.

8 comments posted: Friday, January 28th, 2022