Newest Member: Tortex

MumaBear1978

Will things become easier?

I’m feeling so much disgust towards WH for what has happened. Because our boys are older, he contacts them directly to organise times to hang out or go for dinner.

Besides the angry email I sent him a few weeks ago, the only contact I’ve had with him are a few brief text msgs.

At what point will things become a bit easier? I don’t think things will get to the stage of being friends with him, he hurt me way too much for me to ever forgive him and want to be friends with him. But I would like to not feel such a pang of revulsion when the boys say something about him or I need to contact him about something.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Made it thru first sleepover

After 8 weeks, WH finally invited our sons over to see his new place. Asked them to stay overnight. They left when our eldest finished work around 6pm last night.

I was feeling very anxious all day yesterday and battled the most intense drinking thoughts I’ve had for a very long time. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep very well with them not home, why not have a drink to help me sleep? I wasn’t going to have to worry about them seeing me drinking or passed out from drinking, why not make the most of it? This shit was going round and round my head all day.

Last week I made plans with my sister and sister-in-law for them to come over for a girls night. Something we have never done, just the 3 of us. They arranged to arrive at the same time the boys left and stayed until midnight. We ordered dinner and just sat and talked. It was amazing.

After they left, I was feeling a little sleepy so I just put a podcast on to distract myself from thinking about the boys not being home and how much I was missing them. I fell asleep pretty easily. When I woke up it was 9am- the latest I’ve slept-in in a long time!

I am feeling really proud of myself this morning for not giving in to the wine witch. I know if I gave in, I would be hungover this morning and that used to mean bad headaches and a generally shitty mood. The boys are coming home around 11am so I can now spend a lovely day with them.

I just wanted to share this win with you all because you’ve given me so much great support and advice and I appreciate you all so much.

20 comments posted: Sunday, July 10th, 2022

He’s a monster

I’m having a rough day.

2 days after dday, APs friend (a former CoW of WH and AP) turned up at our front door to inform me of the A. She didn’t believe that I already knew all the details and insisted that WH wasn’t the person I thought he was. She called him a POS for the way he had treated me. And AP. She was yelling and shouting at the top of her lungs. She is the reason our sons found out all the disgusting details of the A.

She said WH spoke in a derogatory way about me at work. Apparently it was common knowledge that I had a problem with alcohol in the past and that I’d been to rehab. She also said there were other things and at first she didn’t want to say them- I finally got out of her that he had also shared my other mental health issues and that I’ve struggled with self harm. And that I’ve suffered with bladder problems since the birth of our sons (she said I "wet the bed").

I don’t know why this has all come flooding back into my mind tonight. I feel humiliated and ashamed and disgusted all over again. Like re-living dday isn’t bad enough.

I just can’t believe how low he went. Who the fuck talks about their partners intimate, personal medical problems with coworkers. No wonder he never invited me to any work functions.

31 comments posted: Wednesday, July 6th, 2022

Should I reach out to mother-in-law?

My MIL is in a walking group that my mum is also part of. My mum said things have become very awkward and they don’t talk to each other the way they used to.

Last week mum asked MIL how WH is going (being cheeky because she knows MIL hasn’t asked how her grandsons or I are going). MIL said he’s ok, he found an apartment. My mum said "yes but no one knows where!"

Mum said MIL was shocked, she thought my boys knew where he was and that they had been there. Makes me wonder what other lies WH told her.

I asked her to come over on dday and made WH own up to his LTA. I also asked her to come over the day he said he was leaving. I wanted to make sure she heard the truth of what was going on and see the devastation her son was causing.

There are obviously still some things she’s not aware of. She no doubt hears through WH that my boys are fine, because to him they are fine when they meet up with him for a few hours a week. But he doesn’t see them upset when they come back home. He doesn’t see them holding me and comforting me when I’m having a particularly bad moment.

Should I invite her for coffee or something to just break the ice? She clearly isn’t comfortable reaching out to me. But she is the boys’ grandma and despite what has happened, still has a right to be part of their lives.

10 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022

The clean out

So I’ve spent the past two weekends packing all of WHs clothes and belongings into boxes and garbage bags. I didn’t take care- I literally tipped contents of drawers into boxes. I msgd him to tell him he can come by after our sons bball game to pick up his stuff while I took my sons out to lunch.

I made the choice to pack it up myself and I’m glad I did. I didn’t feel sad at all while I was doing it, kind of numb actually, but I did break down after when I saw the empty cupboards. I did feel some satisfaction picturing his reaction when he saw the random things I packed- eg his steak sauce and metamucil powder- because they make me think of him and I don’t want any part of him in the house anymore.

WH made plans with the boys to go play golf later that day and my eldest son got upset when they came home. He said seeing all the boxes in the back of WHs car was so hard and made him feel really sad. He admitted that while his stuff was still here, he felt like dad was just at work. I told him I’ve been telling myself the same thing.

I guess the reality is starting to sink in for all of us.

I sent WH one final email saying that I’m finally beginning to see how little respect he has had for me and how he has treated me like garbage. That if he had any respect for me at all, he would have ended our marriage when his feelings apparently changed over 3 years ago, before getting involved with another woman. It would have hurt at the time but I wouldn’t have been left with 3 years of memories of a bullshit fantasy life and feeling completely destroyed by the way he has treated me.

I also said I think he is a coward and is taking the easy way out. By running away to start this new life, he doesn’t have to face up to the consequences of his actions and the person he really is- someone who says "I love you" while stabbing me in the back. Someone who clearly doesn’t share the same values as I do- honesty, integrity, loyalty. Someone who has complete disregard for me and our marriage.

I ended the email by saying I always thought our relationship was special. That we were different. I no longer see it that way. Now I see for the first time that I lost the man I married years ago.

30 comments posted: Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

How do I get past the fantasy of R?

I can’t accept that this is my new reality. I keep having fantasies that he comes home to us. If I have to leave the house, I imagine he is there when I get home. And then I get home and…. nothing. While I’m making dinner I imagine looking up and seeing him walk in the gate as he used to when he got home from work. Every night. It’s a kick in the guts over and over again.

We’ve had limited contact via msgs but only regarding the boys. The msgs are brief and to the point.

He msgs the boys daily and they go out to dinner once a week and do something together on the weekend. I don’t see him, my 19 year old drives to meet him. My 14 year old son told me that he moved into his new place last Friday.

He is clearly moving on. He said to my face that he doesn’t love me anymore. But my brain just can’t seem to catch up to that fact. After everything that’s happened, I still love him. I try to remind myself that the man I married actually left me 3+ years ago when his A started. But I still have this ridiculous hope that it’s not really over and it’s causing me so much pain.

15 comments posted: Wednesday, June 8th, 2022

I can’t do this

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I am so broken and I can’t see a way out of this hole.
I want him back. I don’t care anymore what he’s done. I just want him back in my arms. I can’t live like this.
I have seen my psychologist twice weekly since dday. My meds have been adjusted. I have returned to self harming because it’s the only time I feel some peace from this god awful pain.
My sons are the only reason I get out of bed. I know it’s hurting them to see me like this.
I don’t know where he’s staying. I don’t know if he’s alone or not. I want to ask him to come and live back at home with us, just to coparent. I can’t do this alone.

13 comments posted: Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

Contact

I’m sorry for another post. I really need some advice.

My youngest has his basketball game on Sunday morning. WH has been coaching the team for the past few years. He said he would like to continue coaching them but understands I’m not ready to see him yet and so he has asked our 19 year old son to step in to coach in the meantime.

My youngest asked me today if I would be ok for dad to come to his game this week cos he’s already missed 2 weeks and doesn’t want dad to miss any more.

I’m not ready to see WH but I don’t want to let my son down and say I don’t want him to come. I considered not going so I don’t have to see WH but I’ve never missed a game and I don’t want to start now.

Any advice how best to get through this? And should I show him how messed up I am or do I put on a brave face and pretend I’m doing ok? I’m scared I’ll start crying when I see him.

13 comments posted: Saturday, May 28th, 2022

No anger. Just sadness.

I’m reading posts about the intense anger people feel towards their WS. I feel like the anger would help detach from the pain a little. But I can’t feel it. No matter how hard I force myself to remember the 3 years of cheating, lying, false promises, betrayal… all I can feel is intense sadness alternating with numbness.

I’m getting through the day on autopilot. I only get out of bed in the morning for my sons. For the most part I feel dead inside. I’m barely even crying anymore.

I have been to my doctor. She has increased my antidepressants as well as added a med to lessen my anxiety. I am seeing IC twice weekly. At my appt yesterday, I barely spoke. I just don’t have any words right now. My mum is still staying with me but I sit in silence. I force myself to go for a walk but I just ruminate even more than I do at home. I listen to podcasts to distract myself as I’m walking but they don’t help.

I wish I could feel angry. I wish I could hate him for what he’s done to me and to our sons. But I can’t. When my brother said what kind of man abandons his sons and called him a selfish coward, I still wanted to stand up for him.

And still, if he turned up tomorrow saying he made a mistake leaving and wanted to come home, i would take him back in a heartbeat.

I feel so weak. So pathetic. And I feel like I deserve this pain for what I’ve put him through. i guess this is my karma.

20 comments posted: Friday, May 27th, 2022

Blame

I am driving myself crazy with self blame.

I have struggled with my mental health my whole life- BPD, crippling anxiety and depression, SH, addiction, a couple of admissions for ODs, suicidal thoughts…

He said he can’t do this anymore. He wasn’t talking about the affair. He was talking about me. He can’t deal with me anymore.

He has spent the past 12 years worrying about me; worrying about what he will come home to; sacrificing jobs he loves so that he doesn’t have to travel as much for me; working his ass off to provide and support me and our sons because I haven’t been able to hold down a job.

I have beaten him down. I broke him. I broke our marriage.

I accused him of abandoning our family. He said I abandoned our family years ago when I OD’d the first time. Maybe it would have been better if I’d succeeded in ending my life- he wouldn’t have had to deal with 12 years of stress, 12 years of worry, 12 years of fear. And I wouldn’t have had to deal with all of that either.

Yes the affair was his choice. But would he have gotten to that point if I hadn’t driven him to it? He said he hasn’t felt supported by me for a long time. He couldn’t talk to me because he was scared how I would react and if I might do something. He turned to AP because she was the first person to ask how he was going and offered him support.

The breakdown of our marriage was my fault.

If only I wasn’t such a fuck up.

If only I had been more supportive.

He deserves more than me. He deserves to have a good life.

I deserve to be alone. What I have put him through is too much for anybody to deal with.

I should be grateful he hung around as long as he did.

11 comments posted: Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Pain

I didn’t think it was possible to feel this much pain.
WH has been gone for a week.
My mum has been sleeping over every night because I can’t be alone. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sleeping. My doctor prescribed some meds to help lower my anxiety and help me sleep.
This still feels surreal to me. I can’t believe it happened. I can’t believe he left. I don’t know how to live without him. I can’t live without him.

19 comments posted: Monday, May 23rd, 2022

He left

WH is home from his conference. This morning he said we need to talk and said he can’t do this anymore.
I completely shut down. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I called my mum to come over.
He said he’s been trying but he thinks our relationship is too broken to fix. He can’t keep going like this- worrying about how I’m going to cope every time he leaves the house.
He went and picked our youngest up from school so he could talk to our sons together. They are upset and angry.
I’m just numb. I can’t even look at him.
He’s upstairs now packing his bags.

62 comments posted: Friday, May 20th, 2022

Alone again

Just over 3 months post dday.

WH is at a 4 day interstate work conference. AP is there too for the first 2 days. This is a bi-yearly conference for the whole business that has been cancelled tor the past 2 years due to Covid.

I am a fucking mess. Last night is the first night we’ve been apart since he stayed at his mums for 3 wks at the start of the year. I can’t stop the stories in my head and I barely slept last night.

He is messaging me in every break and called me twice yesterday- once before he had to leave for the formal dinner and he stepped out during dinner cos I msgd him and told him I was in a bad headspace.

I have Life360 on my phone but that’s not reassuring at all because she’s at the conference and staying at the same hotel (everyone from the company is staying there).

I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s lunchtime and I’m still in my pyjamas. I feel like I can’t function right now. Just breathing feels like an effort.

It’s times like this that I wish I could just drink myself numb but that would be the last straw for him- our marriage would be over. My drinking has been an issue in the past and he has spent years worrying about what I might do when he’s away for work because one time I OD’d and he came home to find me passed out on the floor. He thought I was dead.

He admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that he can’t go through that again. He said he had boxed away his emotions to be able to get on with providing for our family and hasn’t really dealt with the pain and stress he was feeling. He is going to IC to work on that. He has to learn to trust that I won’t do anything to hurt myself just as I have to learn to trust him again. Drinking again can’t be an option for me. I can’t be the one to end our marriage.

Because travel is part of WH’s job, my psychologist said it’s going to be a little like exposure therapy for me. She said the most important thing is timing and asked if I felt ready. I don’t feel ready. It feels too soon- esp 4 days away. 1 day would be bad enough. I felt like I didn’t really have a choice though. He had to go. Flights and accommodation were booked for him, he has presentations to do every day, it was a non negotiable from his work that he attend this- even more so because he’s been working from home the past 3 months.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 3 days.

19 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Am I asking too much?

It’s been 3 months since dday.
I feel like things are slowly returning to how life was before. WH isn’t forthcoming with talking about things, we only discuss stuff when I bring it up. He has said he feels like it’s the only thing we really talk about and that it’s emotionally exhausting. He said he avoids bringing it up because I always end up upset and he doesn’t want to upset me all the time. He said he feels like he’s walking on eggshells around me.

He is still working from home but will have to return to the office soon. I’ve said I’m not going to cope with that because AP is there and he just says he doesn’t have a choice. There is no other work around. He feels stressed about it because I’m only thinking about how I’m going to cope whereas he’s thinking off the bigger picture- how this will impact us financially, how this will impact our boys, how this will impact his career and reputation….

After some probing this morning he admitted he doesn’t want to leave his job- he has worked bloody hard to get to the level he is and it is what gives him a huge sense of purpose in his life. He doesn’t trust anyone in the company to tell them all the details of what happened. He said he’s starting to feel trapped in our office and even though he made the choice to do that to help me, he’s worried that he’ll start resenting me for that.

Intimacy has def slowed down. I feel like I always have to instigate and go to him- for sex, for kisses, for snuggles. I feel like the first month or so was like a honeymoon period where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Now he says he feels pressured by my expectations and need for him to be constantly reassuring me and hugging me, otherwise I get upset and think he’s leaving. He says he gives me hugs and kisses when he feels like it- he doesn’t want to feel pressured to do it because then its fake and doesn’t mean anything. I said I need him to give me the reassurance whether it means something to him or not because I feel so fucking insecure all the time and I feel like he should be doing everything to help me feel safe again.

Knowing now how "emotionally exhausted" he is, I feel even more insecure about him going back to the office. He originally started the A because he was feeling that way at home before but he never talked to me about it- he started opening up to AP and things went from there.

He knows I’ve still been checking his work phone and he’s always said he’s happy for me to do that but he doesn’t like that I’m doing it so sneakily when he goes to the gym. Like I’m only doing it to catch him out. I was checking it daily and now it’s maybe once a week but as long as I’m feeling insecure, I feel like I need to.

He’s making me feel so needy and like I’m asking for so much. There are days when I don’t bring this stuff up at all and they are obv days when I’m feeling a bit more secure. But inevitably something happens that shakes that feeling and I need more reassurance from him. Then when I don’t get it, my brain automatically goes to thinking that he wants to leave.

I’ve tried to explain that to him- all it takes is a random hug or kiss or even a text msg to reassure me. He said even when he reassures me, it’s never enough- I just think he’s going to pack his bags and leave anyway so he’s starting to think what’s the point. It scares me that he thinks that.

Sometimes I feel like he’s just biding his time, just doing what he has to do until I make the call to end it. That way he can say he did everything he could to save this but it was never enough.

21 comments posted: Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Another meltdown

I’m sorry to be posting again. I’m just really struggling right now.

WH had to attend a 3 day interstate conference. She isn’t going to be there but I freaked out anyway about him being away for 2 nights esp because I know he’s stayed away with AP at this hotel in the past.

I asked if I could come and he said yes, as long as I understood I would be alone for most of the day while he was working but I could explore the city and go shopping or whatever to keep myself busy. I said I don’t care if I sit in a hotel room the whole time because I know he’s coming back to me at the end of the day.

I have felt on the verge of crying the whole time so far. I cried when we got on the plane and had a small panic attack. I cried as we talked in the car on the way to the hotel. I had a complete panic attack when we got into the room- the worst I’ve ever had. I am so full of anxiety that I can barely breathe.

I wanted this to be a time for us to really reconnect and all it’s doing is triggering me. The airport was horrible because the last time I was at an airport was our overseas trip at the start of 2020- back when things felt free and easy and I didn’t know about any of this.

I pictured them sitting together on the plane. Then standing together checking in at the hotel. Then kissing and fucking when they got to the privacy of the room. Then getting ready and going out for a dinner date together, walking arm in arm around the city.

I barely slept last night and I look like a mess this morning, my eyes are so puffy from so much crying. We have had lots of good talks, he can see how much pain I’m in and he keeps trying to reassure me but it’s just words. It doesn’t make the horrible stuff in my head stop. I even told him maybe it was a mistake coming here with him- he said he wants to be here with me and he’s glad I came so we can be together, even if it is mostly at night.

How can I get out of this headspace so I can actually enjoy this time away?

12 comments posted: Thursday, April 7th, 2022

WH return to work plan

As you might remember, WH had to attend a meeting last week and it was the first time he’d seen AP since everything came out.

The day went as he expected, he said hello and that was it- he wasn’t rude in front of other people but he also didn’t engage in any further conversation with her.

We had an argument in the car on the way home. One of the senior managers had asked him how things are going and said he will need to start working on a return to work plan soon (ie him returning to the office where AP is).

I know he can’t do his job from home forever but I also can’t handle him ever going back to that office again. He’s able to work from home at the moment because he knows it’s what I need right now but he can’t do his job effectively this way for much longer. As the sole income earner, he can’t leave without having another job to go to and he just hasn’t been able to find anything yet.

He thinks I’m being unrealistic when I tell him that I don’t think this can work if he goes back to the office, even if it is for only 2-3 days a week instead of 5 like before. He said "I don’t know what I’m supposed to do- we still have bills to pay".

I just cried and cried. I really struggle to express myself when I’m so upset and I just shut down so part of the 3 hour trip home was silence because we both didn’t know what to say- like we were at a stalemate.

Even if they don’t actually work together on things like they used to, they are still in the same office where they used to have lunch together every day and it will be full of memories. There were a few other people in the office that knew of their relationship (and know he is married) so I don’t even want him around those people because they just feel unsafe to me.

Am I being unrealistic? I don’t know what else to say to him- after feeling the way I did in the lead up to that meeting, how on earth will I ever cope with him seeing her several times a week? Even if he tries to tell me it’s over and done with her, I will still have that niggling fear that it starts up again. I’ve expressed my fears and he just says it will be fine, we will work through it.

10 comments posted: Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

Questioning WH

So it’s been 2 months since dday.
I’m still struggling with intrusive thoughts and flooding several times a day. WH started IC and has had 2 appts so far. I’ve still been attending my IC throughout this whole time.

WH and I are still talking openly for the most part but sometimes when something hits me out of the blue and I question him about it, he says he’s doing the best he can to be open and honest and that I know everything there is to know. When I search his phone, I’m not finding anything new but sometimes there’s a small detail that I need to talk to him about.

He said feels like we take a few steps forward and then I bring stuff up and we take a step back. He said he knows I need time to process everything but he wants to focus on us, now, not always be bringing up the past.

I’ve tried to explain that I’m still trying to piece together exactly what happened- I think I’m still in shock tbh. Some days are better than others- sometimes I might only ask one or two things. Other days, when I get stuck in my head, I have trouble thinking about anything else.

My question is- how long is it "normal" to be bringing the A up and asking questions about it? I think I’m scared that if it goes on for too long, he will get sick of me bringing it up all the time, sick of me not being "in the moment" when we are together now, sick of me.

14 comments posted: Monday, March 28th, 2022

Sex & intimacy

I have conflicting thoughts/feelings around sex. I am absolutely sickened by the thought of WH being with AP. I have asked the most intimate questions and he has given me every detail- things that I can’t get out of my head.
Tbh, I thought it would take a long time before I would let him even touch me again but the opposite seems to have happened. I can’t seem to get enough.
We were still having sex throughout his 3 year A but it wasn’t often. I’ve been having some health issues for the past 12 mths and I think we’ve only had sex twice in that time.
At the moment, it’s pretty much every day. Sometimes twice a day. There have only been 2 nights where we didn’t because he fell asleep and I was completely overtaken by thoughts that he didn’t want me anymore so I’ve tried to not let that happen again.
Is this normal? Is this just a response to what has happened? I haven’t wanted sex this much since we first got together back when we were 20. Deep down I think I’m scared that if this feeling settles down and we aren’t doing it every day that he will go back to her.

6 comments posted: Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Struggling

Today is a bad day. WH goes to his meeting this week. AP is going to be there. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since everything came out.

I’m not sleeping. I’ve struggled with my sobriety over the past few years and I’m currently 3 months sober from my most recent bust. I’d be lying if the thought of writing myself off right now wasn’t on my mind.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few days, let alone the day of the actual meeting. I am so anxious and I feel sick at the thought of them being in the same room for a whole day.

We have both installed Life360 on our phones so I can see where he is. He said he will FaceTime me on the trip up and back and call me throughout the day whenever there is a break.

The location of the meeting is 3 hours from our home. I know the only way I would truly feel ok is if I went with him but it is in the middle of nowhere in a place I’m not familiar with so I don’t know what I’d do all day. Its a full day thing so I’d be by myself for at least 8 hours. He has to leave at 4.30 in the morning to get there in time for the start of the meeting (in the past he would have gone up the day before and stayed overnight… with her..).

I just don’t know what to do.

16 comments posted: Tuesday, March 15th, 2022

WH has to attend meeting with CoW AP

It’s 6 weeks post d-day. WH has been working from home, he has a good job and management have been very accommodating.

The time has come for him to return to some travel. Next week he has a face to face leadership team meeting he has to attend. AP was a coworker and she will be there. It is not an overnight thing but they have previously stayed in hotels together at similar things in the past.

Things have been going well but since he told me about this meeting yesterday, I haven’t been able to stop stressing about it. I woke up around 2.30am and went through his work phone to see if there were any messages between the two of them, particularly about this upcoming meeting.

I’m a mess today. He was upset that I didn’t wake him in the night to tell him I was stressing about it and he has tried to reassure me but I can’t help feeling like this. I can’t take his word on anything yet because it’s all still so raw.

There is still 8 days until this meeting. How on earth do I continue to function?

25 comments posted: Friday, March 11th, 2022

Recommendation for phone tracking app

Hi everyone
I’ve had a few suggestions of having location sharing on WHs phone.
He has a Samsung phone and I have an iPhone. We also don’t live in the US.
Does anyone know if there is something that would work for us?

1 comment posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022

Contacting the AP

I keep having fantasies where I pretend to be WH and I message/email AP.
Is it normal to be thinking about this?
I think part of me wants her to answer my questions so I can see if they match up with what WH has told me.
I want so much to believe he is being open and honest with me but after finding out he has lied and deceived me for 3 years, I’m finding it very hard to.
Has any BS actually done this?

18 comments posted: Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

WH and work

Today is one month post d-day. I have felt on edge all day, just waiting for another bomb to drop.

WH is still working from home (AP was a coworker). He has been looking for another job (as he promised me he would) but he can’t work at home forever. We’re not in the position financially for him to just leave without having another job to go to and I’m so scared that he will end up having to go back to the office.

He said he can do his job without even speaking to her (which is what he’s been doing the past few weeks) but it will be different in the office because she’s right there. Even if they don’t have lunch together like they used to, they will still be in meetings together and working near each other.

There were times when they were away for work and stayed in the same hotel room (approx 12 times over the 3 years of the A). There were even a few times when he got ready for work but took an annual leave day to spend the day with her. And then he would come back home in his work clothes so I thought he had been at work all day.

How am I even going to function when he goes back to work again? Even if he finds another job and never goes back to this office, I can’t trust that this won’t happen again even when he promises me he could never hurt me like this again.

4 comments posted: Monday, February 21st, 2022

Keeping the evidence

Hi everyone,
So tomorrow is 1 month since dday. Over the past few weeks I have gone through WHs personal phone, work phone, laptop and tablet. Anything I found questionable, I would take a screenshot on my phone to ask him about later. We have a good talk about it and he is being very open (at least he seems to be).
Just wondering how long people hang on to this sort of stuff? In my spare time, I find myself re-reading emails and messages even though I haven’t found anything worse than where he has scheduled in lunch or shopping with AP in his calendar. I still have the screenshots of msgs AP sent me and I re-read them daily.
Obviously I always feel worse when I look over this stuff. It’s like I need to make sure I don’t forget what happened.
Last night, WH saw me getting upset and asked me if re-reading and going over the messages is helping or hurting me. He said he doesn’t want to tell me what to do or how to feel but he also said it feels like we take a step forward but I’m keeping one foot in the past.
What do y’all think?

13 comments posted: Sunday, February 20th, 2022

Love or limerence?

I’ve been reading a lot about limerence but I still don’t really understand.

On DD, WH admitted he developed feelings for AP.
AP sent me the screenshots of their msgs. WH had nothing on his phone- he admitted he deleted every msg as soon as he sent it.

He had sent her text msgs saying "I love you X" (insert her name). One msg said "every second I get to spend with you, I fall more and more in love".

When I asked him about the words he had written, he said he doesn’t know if it was really love or if he was just caught up in everything. He says he was confused. The A was 3 years.

Is this limerence? Or do you think it was true love?

15 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022

Blaming myself

I have so appreciated everyone’s replies to my previous posts. One thing I’m struggling with is self-blame…

I do think on some level that I am taking some blame. Not for his act of cheating- I understand that it was his choice entirely to do something that would put our marriage and our family in jeopardy.

I take some blame though for putting him in a constant state of worry- I was going through a really rough time, I actually OD’d one time and he came home from work to find me on the floor. He has lived with the fear of coming home to find me dead, or worse, that our boys would come home to find me dead.

He has always been the "strong" one and held our family together when I fell apart. I have a long history of mental health issues and he felt he couldn’t talk to me about the fears and worries he had because he was scared of what I might do.

So yes, I do blame myself for making him feel like he couldn’t be honest with me. Which meant I couldn’t support him when he was struggling because I didn’t know that he was.

He turned to someone else who offered him support at a time he felt like he was drowning- he said it was like being thrown a life ring.

2 comments posted: Friday, February 4th, 2022

Telling friends

One month since dday. The only people that know are my mum and MIL- they came over the day WH admitted to the A. I had called my mum for support and I ended up telling him to call his mum because I wanted him to have to own up to it to her also. She has always put him on a pedestal and I was hurting so much, I think I wanted him to feel the embarrassment and shame I was feeling too.

I have a very close friend that has been messaging and calling me. She is worried because I’m not getting back to her. We met about 7 years ago in an addiction recovery group. We have shared a lot of personal, difficult times and been there for each other when one of us is struggling.

I feel bad for not answering her calls but I just don’t know what to say. She knows he had gone to stay at him mums (before I even found out about the A). She keeps asking "is he back" and I know she is worried I may have relapsed over this (I haven’t).

She has always been amazed at how supportive WH has been to me regarding my past alcohol
abuse. I just can’t bear to admit how much he has hurt me and that he wasn’t as supportive as she thought because he turned to another woman when he wasn’t coping with the stress of my past relapses.

Do I tell her what has happened? I hate that I’m causing her so much worry and I feel like I need to let her know something but I don’t know how much to tell her or where to even start.

6 comments posted: Thursday, February 3rd, 2022

Detachment?

It’s been one month since dday. New Years Day was the day my life was completely turned upside down. What a great way to start the new year.

I spent that first 3 weeks crying almost nonstop. Vivid flashes in my mind of things they had done. Every trigger causing a rush in my body, which would give me a headache and feel like my body was overheating.

This past week I haven’t been crying all day because the flashes aren’t coming as often. WH is being so supportive, he holds me when I cry and strokes my hair until I can talk. I am telling him every horrible thought that comes into my mind and he answers every question I ask. He is working from home so he’s around all day, he has deleted his Instagram account (how they used to communicate) and is searching for another job because he knows he can’t go back to the office. He has taken off all passcodes on his phone and tablet and said I can check them whenever I need to. We have both read Linda Macdonald’s book that was recommended by some lovely people on here and I do think he is doing everything “right” at the moment- everything he can to reassure me.

I am wondering if at some level I am detaching from the pain though. Yesterday at my mums when she asked how I’m going, I felt nothing as I told her I’ve been crying less and some of the things we’ve talked about. I had a doc appt, the first since dday, and I told her what had been going on without shedding a tear. It was like I was sitting there listening to someone else tell the story.

Is this normal? I think about how completely devastated I was those first few weeks, it almost feels like I’m over it if that makes sense. Why aren’t I crying as much?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 1st, 2022

Feeling Broken

I'm a 43 year old mother of two teenage boys. I have been (what I thought was happily) married for 20 years. I have noticed some disconnection and distance with my husband over the past few months and on NYE I asked him "are we ok?" He said no.
We had a talk (well he talked and I mostly cried) and he admitted he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no.
He suggested staying at his mum's for a few days so we could both clear our heads. He stayed there for 3 weeks. We didn't have a lot of contact in that first week but we started opening up to each other more than we have for years.

In the middle of the third week, we agreed that he would move back home the following weekend. On Friday I received a phone call from a woman he works with claiming she had been having an affair with my husband for the past 3 and a half years. She gave certain details that made me believe her. She said they go to the gym together, shopping, have lunch together every day. And that he goes to see her every day before work. She asked me "don't you ever wonder why he leaves for work so early?" She said he hasn't been happy at home for a long time and asked me "don't you want him to be happy? If you do, you will let him go."
She said he had told her he wanted to move back home but that I need to know he is only coming home for the boys. She said he doesn't love me and hasn't loved me for awhile but he has missed the boys so much and that's the only reason he's coming home.

She told me he was on his way home now to talk to me. When he came inside I told him about the phone call and asked is it true? He said yes.
I called my mum to come over and she sat and held me while he owned up to everything. While we were talking, the OW sent me screen shots of some of his messages to her expressing his love for her, apologising for how long this situation is dragging out and how he can't wait to start their life together. She also sent some photos, including a naked one of him in our bathroom.

He said when he left 3 weeks ago that he realised almost straight away that he could never leave us and spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to tell me about the affair and how to get our family back together. He said he was always going to tell me about the affair but was planning to do it in a more sensitive way than what actually happened. He was angry that she called me and sent me photos. He has apologised over and over again for hurting me and wants to try to work on our marriage if that's what I want. He said he does still love me, he has always loved me, and that he wants to do everything he can to save our marriage.
We have made an appointment with a marriage counsellor. He has moved back home. He is answering every single horrible question that I ask, even though sometimes he says he doesn't want to answer because he knows it will hurt me. But he answers anyway because he doesn't want there to be any more lies and secrets.

I keep getting flashes of his messages to her or I picture some of the things he says he has done with her- sex, going out to dinner, staying overnight at hotels when he's away for work, etc.
I honestly don't know if I'll ever get past this.
My whole life feels like a lie. I am completely devastated and I don't know what to do.

25 comments posted: Friday, January 28th, 2022

Feeling Broken 2

Just wanted to post a follow up to my original post from a few days ago. I’m not sure how to reply to individual responses to my post so I’ll try my best to answer the questions I was asked here.

H has agreed that individual counseling is essential and he is looking into that for himself. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for several years for other issues and I have an appt with her next week so we will definitely be talking about this together.

I don’t really understand why marriage counseling isn’t a good idea? I know there are things we have to work through individually but we have both agreed we need to work on our communication and being more open with one another. I thought MC would help us with that?

He has taken leave from work this week. He told me he will find another job but he can’t just leave now because we still have a mortgage and bills to pay. He has told his boss that after this week he will need to work from home for the foreseeable future (ie until he finds something else).

He has agreed to NC. He admitted he deleted all the messages he sent to her but he has taken off the passcode to his phone and tablet and said I can check them at any time.

I have ordered the Linda Macdonald book that several lovely people mentioned. Should I read it too or just leave him to read it?

There is just so much to process right now. I feel emotionally wrecked. I’m exhausted.

I appreciate everyone’s replies and I look forward to hearing from you again.

8 comments posted: Friday, January 28th, 2022

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