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General :
The clean out

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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Ahhhh the packing up day. I remember that day for me. And I remember most how amazing it felt getting all his shit out of MY space. That day started with me still in the fight, until I got some news that made it pretty clear that his little girlfriend had had a sleepover at my house a couple months before. When I had the audacity to question him about that on the phone, he screamed obscenities at me, hung up, then texted 'let's just get the divorce over with then'. Allllrighty then. 4 hours later, the locks were changed and every stitch of his shit was out of my house in piles and boxes in the garage. Don't threaten me with a good time fuckknuckle laugh

I also may or may not have lasagna-style dumped a HUGE specially-bought container of extra-fine holographic glitter on all of his clothes while packing them. Boy was glittering like a twilight vampire for months I have no doubt!

I know it's hard to do that and I am so proud of you for it. Just keep swimming - you may not realize it completely yet, but you just gave yourself the BEST gift EVAH. Life free from a cheating douchehole is sweeter and better than you even know right now! As for your kids... you did them a huge solid too. Showing them by example how to stand up for yourself is a hugely powerful lesson and they will see that with time and distance from the rawness. They're gonna be okay and you will too!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3461   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8741137
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:57 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Fill those closets and cupboards with supplies. Prices keep going up. Put away some household goods when you can.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2347   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8741171
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 10:14 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

When we are first beginning to recover, we want to know when the pain is going to end. We want to know what needs to happen, what needs to be said or done, what event needs to occur. But recovery is actually a series of baby steps day after day after day, a string of small victories. Congratulations on your baby steps and victories. This is how we do it!

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5555   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8741182
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 11:04 PM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Thank you, everyone.

Sisoon and Crazyblindsided, thank you for the recommendation to check out the D/S section. I was aware of it but I was really hoping things wouldn’t turn out this way.
Just another thing to help me learn to accept things that are out of my control. And that no matter how much I wish for something, it doesn’t make it happen.

I’be got an appt today to see a lawyer for some advice on what I need to do to protect my sons and I. WH made me all sorts of promises that he won’t sell the house and will continue paying the mortgage but he’s made lots of promises to me the past few months and hasn’t kept any of them so I can’t count on him keeping this one either.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8741305
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:49 AM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

WH made me all sorts of promises that he won’t sell the house and will continue paying the mortgage but he’s made lots of promises to me the past few months and hasn’t kept any of them so I can’t count on him keeping this one either.

Exactly. What's more, a lot of times what you'll find is that the WH ends up being a sock puppet for the OW. SHE's the one who's in his ear and you won't know if she's dripping poison until/unless something bad happens. When someone has proved to you that they're no longer dependable, believe them the first time.

I hope you'll let us know how it goes. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5637   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8741352
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 7:32 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022

So my appt with the lawyer went really well. I felt really overwhelmed but she said we’ll just take it one step at a time and wrote out a list of a few things to do over the next couple of weeks:

1. Open my own bank account (I currently only have a joint account w WH). She said she can guarantee that he has his own personal account/s.
2. Request internet banking access to the joint account- she said it’s not right that he can keep track of my spending and I don’t know what he’s spending.
3. Make up a budget to work out how much $/wk I need to live- bills, groceries, medications, etc. I need to have an idea of this in case WH decides to stop paying the bills and I need to take further action.

She said she’s 99% certain that he would have sought legal advice already to find out what this could potentially cost him. She said that’s prob why he was so quick to say he would keep paying the bills and mortgage- that’s prob the cheapest option for him.

While doing some investigating I found out he removed my access to our mobile phone account on 14 May. He left me on 13 May. I can no longer make changes to the account and I can’t see the itemised bill- I assume that’s so I can’t see who he is calling.

When I got access to our joint account, I can see he’s been paying weekly payments to a real estate agent. I did some googling and I’ve found the building he is renting an apartment in.

I want to imagine he’s sitting alone, suffering and regretting what he’s done but I’m not dumb. He’s no doubt living it up as a bachelor in his fancy new apartment in the city. Prob with AP. That hurts.

He has still been meeting up with our sons for dinner once a week and for a few hours on the weekend to do something fun together. He’s been gone for 6 weeks and he still hasn’t told them where he is living. I’m assuming because he doesn’t want me to find out and he’s worried they’ll tell me?

I think it’s pretty disgusting that he’s still continuing to live a secret life that his sons don’t know about. I’m also disappointed with my mother in law- she hasn’t reached out once to see how my sons or I are going. I honestly don’t care if she doesn’t ask about me but I thought she would have checked on how the boys are going.

We met up with my family yesterday for my niece’s bday and my brother in law said I look like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. He noticed as soon as he looked at me that I’m looking more relaxed than I have in a long time. That meant a lot. It made me realise that I’m actually doing better than I thought I would be at 6 weeks out. Those first few weeks were hell and I didn’t think I was going to get through them. I guess I’m stronger than I thought I was.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8742059
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:00 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022

It sounds like you had a really productive meeting. I'm glad to hear that. You do seem a good bit better than a few weeks ago too. I think your BIL is right about that. It's sad that your MIL hasn't made a better accounting of herself though. Sometimes the cheater's parents are so afraid of making a misstep that they don't know what to do, and sometimes they're just assholes whose true stripes are finally showing. Either way, it's a shame she's not stepping up as a grandparent.

He’s been gone for 6 weeks and he still hasn’t told them where he is living. I’m assuming because he doesn’t want me to find out and he’s worried they’ll tell me?


He might be shacked up with the OW and spending marital assets on his affair. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I can't imagine another reason why a newly separated dad wouldn't take the kids to his place. It's not like you knowing where he lives poses any fundamental threat to him. What does he think you'd do with that information? If he's living like a choirboy why does it matter?

My advice would be to keep a close eye on the money. You'd have to talk with your attorney about your jurisdiction, but in most places in the U.S., marital assets spent on an AP will result in the court ordering half that amount reimbursed to the BS.

I'm so glad you're doing a little better. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5637   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8742063
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 10:22 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022

It made me realise that I’m actually doing better than I thought I would be at 6 weeks out. Those first few weeks were hell and I didn’t think I was going to get through them. I guess I’m stronger than I thought I was.

This wins the internet for me today! I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to read this, I always knew you will look back and realise how strong you are. Keep going! There’s only one way from here, you’ll still have ups and downs but the only way is up.

BW - 38 at the time of the AWH - 45 at the time of the ADday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1503   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8742070
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:57 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022

(((Mummabear))
Well done you for being so strong in such difficult circumstances. I know it it is so very hard to taken action when you feel down. I’m so incredibly proud of you, you are an inspiration! You are doing all the right things for you and your boys! I am so impressed by your strength!

Maybe as hard as it is the weight has been lifted, at least he doesn’t get to call the shots or get to dictate to you anymore. My ex did that with me- although missing him is hard I am not under his control anymore. I am working through my own pain, everyday is working towards my future, my healing. No day is wasted, as hard as it is. I wasted months trying to gain his approval/make things work. It sounds like it may be similar for you.


Sending you hugs, salutes and all the very, very best for you and your boys! You lawyer sounds very good and on your side! You will come out on top of this situation. Something tells me he won’t! 😄

Big hugs! X

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8742076
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 11:10 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022

PS I’m sorry to hear about your MIL, maybe she feels ashamed about her son’s behaviour. But it’s no excuse not to reach out. That’s the hard thing about abandonment- people, even family don’t know what to say or do. Which makes you feel more isolated.

Keep posting mumabear. We are here for you! X

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8742081
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 1:11 AM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

It's sad that your MIL hasn't made a better accounting of herself though. Sometimes the cheater's parents are so afraid of making a misstep that they don't know what to do, and sometimes they're just assholes whose true stripes are finally showing. Either way, it's a shame she's not stepping up as a grandparent.

ChamomileTea,
She is a really lovely, caring person so I guess it’s more the first reason you suggested. I imagine she’s incredibly embarrassed by her sons behaviour and just doesn’t know what to say.

He might be shacked up with the OW and spending marital assets on his affair. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I can't imagine another reason why a newly separated dad wouldn't take the kids to his place. It's not like you knowing where he lives poses any fundamental threat to him.

Yep. That’s what I’m assuming too. He’s just not ready to tell them that yet. Or maybe he thinks I’ll start stalking his place duh

My advice would be to keep a close eye on the money. You'd have to talk with your attorney about your jurisdiction, but in most places in the U.S., marital assets spent on an AP will result in the court ordering half that amount reimbursed to the BS.

I don’t live in the US so I’ll have to find out. Unfortunately the only things I can see him spending $ on are bills. Everything else is obv coming from his personal account/s so I don’t have any idea what he’s actually buying other than one withdrawal for $5000 on 30 May (I’m guessing was for furniture for his new place?)

Luna and Summertime,
Your replies made my day! Thank you so much xx

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8742090
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