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Divorce/Separation :
In house separation sucks!

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:06 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

He won't even go get gas for his van. I take a gas can every week and fill it....

He won't buy food for himself, then bitches there's nothing HE likes in the house... rolleyes

So I have printed a separation agreement template for him to go over. I want him to agree that our "separation" started March 8th. This separation is required to then file for D and is typically one year. In house separation is harder to prove so getting him to agree to this date is vital for me.

This also lays the framework for custody etc after D.

This template is 23 LEGAL pages long and gives multiple options for each section to chose from. It covers everything.

It also shows him I am 100% serious about going forward without him.

It's considered a "domestic contract" under the Family Law Act and still needs review and witness by a notary or lawyer etc once we hash out the details.

Fun fun.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732034
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 1:31 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

He won't even go get gas for his van. I take a gas can every week and fill it....

Aw, HELL no! Let him get his own gas or run the f out. He can use gas by taking the OW to their "spot" but you have to fill the can? Same with food - let him bitch. He needs to start taking care of himself cause he fired you from that job.

I'm glad you're moving forward with legal documentation. He will more than likely be an ass about this too, but that's what lawyers are for if it comes down to it.

Each day you are making progress with getting out of infidelity. Proud of you, Dragn; I know this is not easy and he is purposely making it harder than it needs to be. FTG.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8834   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8732041
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Wow! I didn't realize you got gas cans for him! Yeah, that's going to have to stop. That's beyond the pale.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732045
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:03 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

The last time he got gas was when he was driving the Durango and he ended up habibg an accident because he was following to close, going to fast and someone ahead stopped suddenly.

He's always claimed that since I was going into town anyways and gas there is cheaper than here it is cost effective.

I totally refuse to drive his shaggin wagon now. So he can get his gas here in our small town on his own.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732047
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:40 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Good for you! So weird. I mean, I can understand he'd have some anxiety around driving to a gas station after the accident, but he's gotta get back up on that horse.

Are his med anti-anxiety? If so, he can't go on and off them. I can't drop my lamotrigine or sertraline without major effects to my well being. If I forget and take them more than 2hrs later in the day I start to feel it.

ADHD meds... well, those are short runners and I can take them any time before noon grin .

If you WH is on anxiety meds, he needs to be seeing a counselor too to treat the condition. It's a combo brain chem/ learned behavior thing that needs both sides to get under control.

Is he still in IC? Not your job to be concerned beyond how he's going to function as father and provider going forward. It's still important to know where he's at though so you can set your own expectations. If he's non-functioning or barely functioning that's going to put you in the situation where you need sole custody for the best interests of the kids.

Is there a way to work that into the divorce? That he has to be on his medication at a minimum if he doesn't want to have to do chaperoned visits with the kids? It's kinda concerning for them to be in his care if he's not a functioning adult...

Also, the enablement (gas filling, shopping, laundry) has gotta stop stat. Sounds like you're making really good progress with that though.

Hope the rest of this week goes a lot better than yesterday did.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732052
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:32 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I just looked up his medication and yes anti anxiety/antidepressant and not to be stopped suddenly. Even when being weened off can have side effects. There's even a note that it can cause a sudden severe relapse in symptoms that can cause suicidal thoughts.

No longer in IC after TWO PHONE CALL SESSIONS... He said the IC said it wasn't going to help him BUT that IC agreed that me wanting him to post here was unfair blah blah blah. Whatever.

I dont cook or do laundry for him. He is free to go pick up any food HE wants.

I have looked up what the table amount is for child support here. We still have to be "separated" for a year before D can happen. So I want to work out as many details as I can now. We will most likely remain in the martial home until its time to D. That gives me time to figure out of I can manage the place on my own, how to pay off wh portion, get an appraisal, do repairs etc. The agreement template I have discusses many options for that section.

This agreement is so detailed. It states that we agree that we are "former wife" and "former husband", so that we can live separate lives and only need to divorce if we want to remarry. Taxes are filed separately, time with kids is separated.

This would work better for keeping the kids where they need to be for school supports and dd was telling me this morning how excited she was that they get to do an actual in person tour of the school and it has a cafeteria lol

Wh can renovate the basement to have his own apartment. Separate entrance, electrical and plumbing all there for kitchen and bathroom. And it gets him out of my upstairs space.

Of course he needs to agree to these things and it needs to be approved by a lawyer. I still haven't heard back from mine... mad

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732060
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Great job lining up your ducks. It is a long process, but you gotta start somewhere and you have started.

Keep moving forward. Picture that day next year when you are sitting outside watching the sunrise with a big cup of coffee and with out the heaviness in your heart. Priceless.

IHS is hell, but you will be out of it before you know. Maybe he can live in trailer during the summer while renovating the basement.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8732064
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:21 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

No longer in IC after TWO PHONE CALL SESSIONS... He said the IC said it wasn't going to help him BUT that IC agreed that me wanting him to post here was unfair blah blah blah. Whatever.

I figured as such. Seeing the IC and posting here was just to placate you in hopes this would alllll be swept under the rug, but now that you're showing him otherwise, he no longer has to do any work. He doesn't give a shit that he needs to get better to be a better father - that's evident with the way he is playing with his health. Not your problem - you have other fish to fry ATM.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8834   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8732076
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

So I dropped off the separation papers and man was he angry. Shaking angry.

I text asking him to meet me by his van.

Parked in front of it expecting him to come out from the building.

He ended up walking around from the road, where I couldn't see. Said he had walked to the store...

I suspect he and AP left in her vehicle and she dropped him off by the gate after I got there. But that's just my assumption. They have all the fences covered so you can't see inside from the road or outside from the parking lot.

Owell.

He refused to take the papers at first saying he will look at them at home. I said i didn't want the kids to see them and since he has time on lunch and break (IF he's not fucking her) he can read them.

Eventually he took them, put them into his van and told me NEVER to come to his work again.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732086
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:19 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

HE is mad? Seriously?!?! He cheats. More than once. You have tried very very hard to keep your family together while he has done nothing but hurt you and he is mad??? What did he expect was going to happen?

You are doing a fantastic job. Communicate with him as little as possible.

He is not even a little bit remorseful.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2761   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8732087
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 7:14 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

What nerve! So the poor AP is upset her wife knows. And she runs to HIM with it. And HE is angry with YOU???

Keep calm (easier said than done) and pretend none of this matters and just concentrate on your kids and those PAPERS. I have a feeling that he's been thinking this will all blow over and he can go back to doing what he normally does. Tell him this coming weekend is 'his weekend' with the kids and you leave. Go see your Dad, go anywhere AWAY for Saturday and Sunday. You have a right to go see your Dad! Get away for a few hours.

I think ... in your shoes ...I'd be tempted to send ONE more message to the OBS and tell her you have proof of them having sex if she wants to hear it. If no response, forget about both of them!

You are doing all things rights. I'm sorry you are having to DEAL with him and his childish ways. He doesn't want you coming to his job because he's still having noon-ers, probably.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3110   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8732097
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 7:25 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

What a jerk!! mad

I'm so proud of you Dragn and your progress. You're doing great!!! I know none of this is easy. Getting a divorce was the LAST thing I wanted. but over a year later, WXH was still involved with OW and I knew I had to let go of my hopes and dreams with him.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5490   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8732100
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:26 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

He doesn't want you coming to his job because he's still having noon-ers, probably.

Not probably. Most likely. I didnt see where he came from (vehicle?) and I feel it in my gut that he was with her.

Also he said he went to the store and had a soda in his hand BUT no money has been taken from our checking account....so he's borrowed money, she's buying him stuff or he's hiding another account. Maybe time to hire a PI to investigate further??? Any money he is hiding is marital funds...

Despite many change of address my mom did I still received my aunts mail. One thing came today about the estate so I have to go drop that off Friday. Might just stay the weekend.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732101
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I think ... in your shoes ...I'd be tempted to send ONE more message to the OBS and tell her you have proof of them having sex if she wants to hear it. If no response, forget about both of them!

THIS. And send a revealing clip of her speaking in the audio from the stream. That way it is undeniable that AP is in the audio. BS needs to hear this if she's sticking her head in the sand. Cruel to be kind.

Definitely go see your mom. You need a break. Send the message and then drive out. Put his notifications on silent.

And yeah, I would hire a PI or ask around about financial investigator. She likely bought the soda for him or he scraped up some change, but... I really wouldn't be surprised if he starts siphoning off money.

Does his check have auto deposit? If so, I would keep looking at the $$ coming in. If the dollar amount changes more than what would be expected with the hours he works (if he qualifies for overtime or isn't salary), then dollars to doughnuts he's hiding something. Financial discovery is part of most divorce proceedings (Catwoman can speak better to that), but getting ahead of him on that is a good idea. With auto-deposit, it is easy enough to change what gets deposited where. I can split my check between our mortgage account (at one CU) and our joint bank account (other CU) within a day. Not sure how professional his workplace is, but if they use a system like ADP, he can do it... if he's not too lazy to figure it out.

Yeah, keep your eye on it, if he's not participating in financial chicanery, he may begin as the D progresses.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732109
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 7:55 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

So I dropped off the separation papers and man was he angry. Shaking angry.

This is not a good sign but perhaps he'll get over it like a normal person? My concern is that he's a genuine narcissist and at some point he'll figure out that you aren't on his side and he'll turn on you big time.

Eventually he took them, put them into his van and told me NEVER to come to his work again.

As part of my recommended grey rock approach, listen to this advice unless it's entirely necessary. Grey rocks don't show up at work, especially when they have been asked to stay away.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5256   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8732113
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:58 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

He gets paid via cheque...however.

Every week his check is the exact same amount. He may work different hours and it's STILL the same amount.

The reason has always been that he "banks" anything over a certain number of hours.

So say he works 55 hours per week. Anything over 50 (5 hours of OT) is then held back by the company in a separate account for him. He usually does this all year then gets paid out just before Christmas or any other special event he wants extra money for.

They COULD be paying him out those overtime hours and he's depositing it into another account?

I believe 100% that everyone there knows what's happening. I know his boss does for sure and yes they would help him not only hide money but that the affair is ongoing.

I know he has the guys there watching for my van. They will message duh him if they see it. Thats what happened not long ago. He text me angry that I was parked down the street when I was actually IN bed and his text had woken me...

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732116
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 8:04 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

This is not a good sign but perhaps he'll get over it like a normal person? My concern is that he's a genuine narcissist and at some point he'll figure out that you aren't on his side and he'll turn on you big time.

Ok I'm going to sound cocky but Bring It On!

I have played nice for 14 years. If he wants to pull some shit now I'll be bringing the rain...I have had 14 years to prepare...with the exception of some details I know my rights and will use the law to its full advantage.

As part of my recommended grey rock approach, listen to this advice unless it's entirely necessary. Grey rocks don't show up at work, especially when they have been asked to stay away.

I will never go there again! This was the first time he asked me never to show up. So.. I won't.

If he refuses to address the separation agreement and be civil about this then I'll just go file for D, site the date of when separation started and apply for exclusive use of the house.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732120
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I think ... in your shoes ...I'd be tempted to send ONE more message to the OBS and tell her you have proof of them having sex if she wants to hear it. If no response, forget about both of them!

THIS. And send a revealing clip of her speaking in the audio from the stream. That way it is undeniable that AP is in the audio. BS needs to hear this if she's sticking her head in the sand. Cruel to be kind.

Nope I am done.

At this point she could file for harrassment. I have sent her the info via three methods, sent a message to her sister and informed someone who knows her Ex who is the father of her children and said she would make sure he knows. We all know how affairs affect kids.

My contact info was given along with information about the evidence I have.


I have done my part.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8732125
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jadedangel ( member #26979) posted at 8:30 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I agree with you Dragn, you did your part in contacting OBS and no more is needed from you. I'm sure the AP would love to throw a harrassment charge against you.

It's not suprising he quit IC. He had no interest at all in doing anything more than apply a bandaid to keep the status quo.

And that gut feeling is 100% on point. He's not angry about the papers, he thinks you are still trying to catch him in the act. He thought he was being super sneaky using her car.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 668   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8732127
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Document and record everything. Like that he got the S papers today- so he can’t claim otherwise.
Ask your lawyer about the financial stuff- they may be able to ask for documentation and save you the $$ of a PI.

You are doing great. It may not feel like it, but you are moving forward. Good job!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8732129
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