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Newest Member: Delilahh

Wayward Side :
W post: Now I am finally the one contemplating divorce.

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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 12:09 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Hello,
I am the WS. This post may seem harsh if you are the BS so please be careful when reading. This gets explicit, and I talk about abuse. We have a really different story and I have dissociated from my feelings and many of these events. I am not currently having any affairs but there have been recent occurrences that I will explain.

So, to sum up our complex situation...my husband and I got together when I was 18 (he was divorced and 27), he essentially manipulated me into having multiple extramarital partners until I had had enough of the control and found myself a "boyfriend" with whom I would really just not hold anything back (I didn't care if I got emotionally attached). I didn't care who he was, but he was going to fulfill what needs I wasn't getting from my husband (but with his knowledge). By the way, I have told him that I didn't want to do all that, so there were times where we would stop talking about it but it wouldn't last long. I did get attached to the boyfriend, my husband made me stop, and I secretly met up with that boyfriend one last time. I kept that from him for 3 months. It's been a living hell since then. I actually wish I kept it to myself. That was in 2018.

Between then and now, there have been countless threats of divorce made by him, he has kicked me out of the house, leading me to sleep in my car for a few nights until I convinced him to let me come home, a ton of yelling and verbal abuse, suicide threats, and blaming and stonewalling coming from him. He slapped me once at the time of discovery but there hasn't been any other physical abuse other than an occasional finger jab in my chest. Our s** life has been nonexistent. Zero. He also has communicated that his self esteem would come back if I found a few women to "boost his ego", which means s**. Any time I tried to talk about my feelings and things that led to my affair, he wanted nothing to do with it and he was just okay with believing it was because he "wasn't man enough". He would also seem to get amnesia whenever I brought up his past s**ual addictions (the ones involving me). There have also been many weekend vacations, dates, family time, football Sundays at home that were actually good times. We have a daughter together and honestly she is probably why we're still hanging on to whatever hope is left.

In January 2020, BS wanted me to find a man to sleep with to "erase" the boyfriend from my mind and body. In fact it was demanded of me, or I'd be a single woman by the next morning. I found someone, did what was demanded of me and continued that "relationship", on and off for about a year. Meanwhile, because I felt manipulated and not cared for again, I rekindled the relationship with the original boyfriend from 2018. I never met with him, but frequently talked. I know, yikes. I also eventually came to enjoy the second guy. This guy (naming him SC) moved away in March 2021. BS always seemed to like this relationship I had. BS and I still didn't engage in s**, but BS expected a nightly BJ.

In May 2021, I got caught via Instagram message from original boyfriend. BS saw it, was hurt, got mad and demanded I hook up with as many guys as I could in one day. crying I managed 3. barf One of them really hurt. I felt like a POS and that I deserved it. 2021 sucked.

Moving on to October 2021. My relationship with SC eventually turned into BS wanting me to see him again, and frequently, until I got sick of him and dumped him. I thought maybe BS actually wanted me for himself for once? So I drove to meet SC again back in October 2021 with BS' consent. This actually means that I wanted to see him as well. However, I didn't message BS quickly enough while I was "busy" with SC and we got into a big fight. I didn't see SC again but we continued to talk, with BS knowing.

Fast forward to January 2022. BS wanted "action" from me so he could get over my affair. "Action" meant building his self esteem, finding women to help him s**ually, or me having s** with lots of different guys. One evening we were talking about the affair. He wanted me to help him get over my affair by taking action. I asked BS "I slept with those 3 guys in one day last May, so that did nothing?" He said "Well yeah it did something, but you can't just do it once, you have to keep doing it." I didn't really know that was the assignment, so I found a new guy the next day, and he even came over that night. My BS was there the whole time, but hiding out in the house (the guy didn't know about my husband knowing). Then a few days later I met up with him again, which was prompted by BS. It took another ugly turn when BS didn't get any texts from me for awhile (like 1.5hrs) because I was still with this guy (calling him AG). It rapidly escalated to BS frantically calling me in front of AG. I answered to hear from a screaming, fuming, vulgar husband, demanding I leave now and make sure AG knows that BS "found out". AG looked devastated and frightened. I told him I'd never see him again, and I left. BS said I better not come home because he doesn't know what will happen. So I slept on the floor in our cold vacant rental house that night.

For a week, I couldn't come home, so I slept on the floor for a week at our business, and he wouldn't allow me to see our daughter. He even went on vacation the next week and had his sister keep our daughter with her while he was gone, just to keep her away from me. He didn't tell anyone what was going on, he just acted like it was a fun week for it. And of course I went along with it so our skeletons weren't released from the closet. She ended up getting sick and I did get to go pick her up and stay at our home.

We came to a place where I was allowed back home and talking about things. One night a couple weeks ago we had a breakthrough or so I thought. He listened to me. I spilled my guts about our past, how I feel, my anxiety, and what I have needed from him in our marriage. He actually listened and promised to never yell at me again, and said he doesn't want me to be afraid of him.

Meanwhile, I started seeing a Christian counselor, virtually. I haven't told BS because he has always been afraid of counselors convincing me that he is a bad guy and I should leave him. I'm aware that counselors hear only my side of the story, so any advice is taken seriously but carefully. Just like in here. If BS was telling this story, you'd be hearing it very differently. However, she says she fears for me and my daughter and thinks I have been trafficked. Just so you all know, he absolutely 100% isn't a pedophile. But he is broken. Just like me. She wants me to read Attachments before making any decision to divorce. I'm halfway done with it.

These past 2 weeks have been nice, not getting screamed at or called names. He took great care of me while I was sick last weekend (cooked for me, drew me a bath with candles and music, let me sleep, brought me water, took our kid to school). He has been really nice and not angry. He has still been complaining daily about how I neglect him and his needs. He says every day, multiple times, that I don't care about him. He doesn't know why I can't figure out how to build him up. There is truth in this, I have forged strong walls, I have become withdrawn and independent. I don't feel like being vulnerable and open. I also feel really weird s**ually. So does he, obviously. He feels like he isn't good enough. We haven't had intercourse in so long. But deep down he wants to be romanced and seduced, and I feel uncomfortable and just weird. What the heck am I doing? I am the one who cheated! This is not fair to him. I still don't trust that his change will last. I don't think he loves me, but I think he thinks he does. I care a lot about him, but any loving, special, vulnerable, close, romantic feelings are long gone. Like, many years.

Lately he has also been complaining about the things I did with AG, and how I need to be doing those same things with him, only bigger and better. But before I even saw AG the 2nd time, BS said to do whatever I wanted, but check in with him every now and then (which I failed at doing). SMH.

For those of you who have divorced, what was the ultimate thing that made you go "Yep, there is no hope left, we have to call it"? Was it mutual or one-sided? For me, it seems it's like neither of us will let go of the past, and our traumas are too deep to ever be close again. I feel like we are awkward roommates who are desperately raising a kid together. For those that stayed together, did you get past those feelings that we're having?

I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety and moderate depression by the way. I'm sure my husband would be diagnosed similarly if he started therapy.

There are wayyyyyyy more details to our story, but what I've said is a pretty good summary. Thank you to anyone who read it to the end.

Me: Wayward F
Him: Betrayed M
We are: Still married, since 2012
D-Day: Some day in October 2018
My Attachment Style: Dismissive/Avoidant
BS Attachment Style: Anxious/Ambivalent
My Enneagram: 9
His Enneagram: 8

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717265
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

JFC....you're CONTEMPLATING divorce? You need to be free from this dipshit forever ago.

File and free yourself.

He's a manipulative, abusive, asshole.

posts: 2727   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8717273
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 12:28 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

For God’s sake, please get yourself and your daughter away from this man.

I am unfamiliar with the procedure but I’ve heard that most areas have domestic violence help for women and children in your situation. Perhaps your church could also help (since you mentioned seeing a Christian counselor).

I will pray for you and your daughter.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6395   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8717278
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 12:29 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

If you were reading this post written by someone else, what advice would you give to the author?

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 837   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8717279
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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 12:32 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

EVEN considering these past couple weeks of change? I should simply toss that out? I may sound naïve, but you all have to remember that you don't know him or me and all this is coming through my filter. Or is that what all abused women say? Sheesh idfk.

I should add that we have a business together and have accrued a shit ton of debt over the past year. So much that if I got a simple job it would take like 30 years to pay off. That also stops me from leaving, because I will get stuck with that as the business is 100% in my name. If we split, the business would close and we would sell off whatever is left but it wouldn't cover the debt.

Thanks Darkness Falls btw

[This message edited by soapt at 12:43 AM, Saturday, February 19th]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717282
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:42 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

If you don’t want our advice because we don’t know him or you then why ask for it?
I have professional experience in dealing with domestic abusive situations. Been quite some time since I worked in that area, but what you describe is abuse. I think you should look up domestic abuse call centers in your area and seek guidance.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8717292
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:45 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

This is way above my pay grade. Please get individual therapy. Find your closest family member and reconnect. Get some real life support.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2116   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8717294
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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 12:47 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

If you don’t want our advice because we don’t know him or you then why ask for it?
I have professional experience in dealing with domestic abusive situations. Been quite some time since I worked in that area, but what you describe is abuse. I think you should look up domestic abuse call centers in your area and seek guidance.


Good point! I guess I just was hoping for more gentle comments. But that's not up to me, and you are welcome to say whatever you like.

This is validating to hear as well. Thanks.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717295
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:52 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Two weeks out of ten years. I won’t even comment on that. There must have been hell in your childhood for you to allow yourself to be treated this way. Your inability to attach has pushed uounto have sex with others because they can’t make the same demands on you. You need such intense therapy that I hope you can find a way to receive it. Your life is going to be the same until you do

His illness is going to spill over onto your child. In fact your family sounds so toxic that if I knew who you are I would report you husband to CPS. If that sounds harsh you must know that reading your history is so shocking I can’t believe you haven’t escaped. Please take your daughter and leave. This is your life, her life, so how can you contemplate staying for one more day?

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3498   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8717298
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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 12:52 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Posting this paragraph just so it's at the top.

I should add that we have a business together and have accrued a shit ton of debt over the past year. So much that if I got a simple job it would take like 30 years to pay off. That also stops me from leaving, because I will get stuck with that as the business is 100% in my name. If we split, the business would close and we would sell off whatever is left but it wouldn't cover the debt.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717297
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:54 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

I think you should look up domestic abuse call centers in your area and seek guidance.

We tend to think of these hotlines and shelters as places for physically battered women. Although they are a large part of their clientele these centers are often staffed with experienced people that can tell you what options you have. Options ranging from how to plan an escape, what rights you have, what to do, whom to talk to, pro-bono attorneys and also options on couples therapy that might even change his attitude and behaviors.
The first step is simply to find a number and phone.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8717299
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Kindern ( new member #78441) posted at 1:03 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Potentially stupid question…

Does your husband actually care about your affair or is he using it as leverage to force you into performing acts that indulge what I’m assuming is a fetish he has for you with other men?

A lot of this comes across as him pretending to be a betrayed spouse to heighten his gratification from the fetish. Sending you out to be with other men but angrily making himself known to them as your husband immediately after? It makes no sense other than he is creating situations he can role play as the BS. What makes you think he’s genuinely upset about the 2018 boyfriend?

I personally think this idea you had an affair is just one more layer to his abuse and control of you.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8717301
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 1:04 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

I will use my kid gloves here.

You are in an abusive situation. Maybe there’s a reason he is the way he is. It could be from some childhood trauma he endured. I know you care about him, but there is something deeply broken inside this man that you cannot fix. HE has to want to. And it’s going to take a shit ton of therapy. You don’t want to sit around and wait for him to take that initiative on his own.

I know this may not sound helpful, but countless people come here with less than ideal financial situations, and a spouse who is not safe to stay with. Even if it sucks at first, or for a few years, I very much doubt you would ever regret freeing yourself from this toxic relationship.

I don’t even know you, but I KNOW you are worth more than this. Your daughter deserves better as well. If you do nothing else, please seek out an individual counselor. They will help you unpack why you are willing to tolerate such abhorrent behavior from someone who is supposed to love and cherish you. It’s a painful, but extremely rewarding process. I will say it again, you are worth more than this. Praying for you.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8717302
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 1:30 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Soapt,

Please leave now, enter bankruptcy for your debt, and never never allow anyone ever again to manipulate you into doing things you find repulsive. Never allow him to destroy your self esteem even for one second ever again.

You and your daughter are worth far more than that.

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8717308
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 1:40 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

I will echo others that this situation sounds toxic af and very very abusive. Forget a stranger - what would you say if someday your daughter said her husband was doing this to her?

I know contemplating a divorce is scary scary with all those unknowns. But please talk to a few lawyers - most offer free consults. The situation with the business might not shake out the way you think it would, and really - what price freedom? Wouldn't it be worth anything to you to be free of this horrible situation?

Sending hugs. I hope you can find the strength in yourself to get free of this. You absolutely deserve better and so does your girl.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3572   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8717309
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 1:51 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

  Moving to Wayward Side

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8717313
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:23 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

I should add that we have a business together and have accrued a shit ton of debt over the past year. So much that if I got a simple job it would take like 30 years to pay off. That also stops me from leaving, because I will get stuck with that as the business is 100% in my name. If we split, the business would close and we would sell off whatever is left but it wouldn't cover the debt.

So what?? Compare paying debts or even declaring bankruptcy to living with the kind of perv who gets off on sending his wife out to fuck strange?.. there's no contest. You should call some women's shelters and domestic violence hotlines and get some help. That shit is NOT okay, and it's not safe to raise a child in that kind of environment.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5961   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8717319
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:18 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

This is an unbelievable story. You have been manipulated and abused to such an extreme I don't really know what to tell you other than for you and your daughter to get away from this massively disturbed person ASAP. Find a women's shelter where the two of you can stay if you don't have family or friends to protect you. You need an IC desperately. Please seek help.

posts: 680   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8717332
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lostandbound ( member #56011) posted at 10:38 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Agree with a previous poster, your POS husband is far from a "betrayed husband," he has a cuckold fetish that he forces on you. He has a betrayed husband fetish or something sick, and he doesn't care what kind of dangerous situations he puts you in, he just cares about satisfying his sickness.

And yes I think you're being naive. That's common among abused women. I was there, a long time ago. "but he says he loves me" is a great book by Dina McMillan. I thought of it because of your, "but what about the two weeks?" Practice saying this phrase, "I'm sorry that's not good enough for me." Abused women never say that.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2016
id 8717342
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:59 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Your husband is an abuser of the worst variety. He's a manipulative, sick, twisted evil man. mad barf

Please contact a women's shelter and find a way out of this humiliating, toxic marriage. You need to protect yourself and your child at all costs.

posts: 11614   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8717347
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