CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP WITH THIS? Further down is a conversation between me and BH. Since I am bonded to him, I am on the fence. I mean I can see more clearly but like I said, the bond is there.
One of the most raw and confrontational conversations with my husband happened last night. I can't remember everything because we talked for hours into the night. I recognize this may be another part of the cycle. It is still confusing because I feel better, which is not normal. Usually I feel worse or the same.
I basically had a shell-like attitude. Very cold and not loving or inviting. So did he. He wasn't yelling but he was loud if that makes sense.
I guess it might have been a last ditch effort from me to get him to open his eyes.
First, I shared my feelings on his suicide threats, which he denied, which I boldly reminded him he just did it two days ago! And I said "Fuck you!" (I never say that) and cried. He saw that I was serious and apologized. Then he said that maybe he really was feeling those thoughts because he feels he is at the end of his ropes and he is feeling this way. So basically the feelings of suicide are legit. I told him to stop threatening it when we fight because it's manipulative and controlling.
I also shared that one of those 3 guys who I slept with in 1 day felt almost like rape. It was actual rape in the literal sense. *Now, I have never been raped like "Law & Order SVU sense", so I apologize if saying that triggers anyone who has been preyed on in that way.* Anyway, that broke him. He shed his tough shell and laid on top of my chest, kissed me, apologized profusely and said he had no idea it was that bad. He said if I had yelled out for him that he would have came in and beat the guy's ass. I grumbled at him "Instead you took videos." I could tell that hit him deep and made him feel disgusting. He asked why I never told him and I said I did, only I didn't use the word "rape" and I told him when I did, that he provided no comfort so I kept my pain to myself. I told him that this guy is the exact same as alllll the others, but this one just happened to physically hurt. He kept apologizing. I did not let my walls down because, well, like really, it took me saying the word rape to get him to listen? Damn. I feel so understood now, hunny.
This morning he made me breakfast and was nice and caring. I am obviously still on guard but I was nice and thankful. God this sucks. We are both so stubborn.
Later he texted me the following:
"I'm so sorry I didn't treat you as special as you are. I really do think you're special, I know it doesn't make sense but...
1. Seriously wouldn't have married you if I didn't think you were something special. I know you know that was true. I was never even going to date again.
2. The whole reason this cheating has been so complicated and deep to overcome is because I genuinely think you're special. You're not just some girl to me.
I really want you to know that about yourself, your man still thinks you're super special."
"Thanks for saying that. I think it doesn't make sense because it really doesn't make sense. "
"It's about me and my flaws that you don't feel that way. You haven't been treated to the level you are. You are super special. I will always think that."
Okay so then I texted him a long apology for cheating with AP, more wordy and detailed than I have before, and no excuses. It was long so I'll spare you.
And he replied:
"You don't need to feel bad. I didn't take care of you and it resulted with you having unmet needs. You didn't feel loved, cared for, protected and probably more things. I chose to not protect and take care for the most important person to me. This is on me, not you."
While that sounds nice, and basically what I've wanted to hear for many many years, I simply can't trust him. It doesn't line up. I'll ask my IC about this tomorrow too. I had this whole conversation while knowing that my parents know all this, and I am making plans to move out. I can't help but feel this is such utter betrayal. I just do.