but really it's the same root- the mismanagement of shame.
Exactly right. It all boils down to shame.
It seems like you've really been growing throughout this and waking up to the woman you truly are.
Thank you! I feel different!
Covert narcissist's can be much harder to spot because they are very charming, engaging and lovely outside of the personal hell bubble they create within the walls of their own home, which they allow no one to see. I have always said my father could sell an eskimo ice. He was so damn good at maintaining a great image outside of our house. Inside was an absolute nightmare.
Hi KatyaCA, thank you for reading my saga and replying. Your story is horrifying. While I can't relate to it all, this paragraph did resonate with me. My husband is so freaking charming, handsome, well-spoken, quick-witted, funny, a great story-teller, he pulls you into him and he's amazing at reading people. Even though he considers himself an introvert, I think he simply wears himself out around people because he cannot be himself with them, he has to work hard to maintain this charismatic, fun, wise, deep persona. He often exaggerates or flat out lies about things to others, even in front of me, when I know the truth (still I do not correct him but I always take note when he does it).
I have been reading and watching lots of videos on covert and vulnerable narcissism and it sounds to me like they are actually a bit different. If there is a true difference, I would say my husband falls in the vulnerable narcissistic category. From Dr. Les Carter's list for vulnerable narcissism, my husband is emotionally delicate, critical, has a constant need for reassurance, passive aggressive, sulky, has a huge victim mentality, he sucks the emotional energy from a room, and holds grudges for a very long time. I am learning a lot, and it is hurting my brain lol
Signing over the business to you was manipulative and love bombing!
I had never thought of that but you are most likely right!
His ex may have been messed up prior but he is a narc
I had a wild epiphany today and realized that in his previous marriage, I cannot think of one thing he admitted to me about being in the wrong. It was all her - "she was evil, she beat me, she wanted to fight all the time, she was unreasonable, she broke my stuff and laughed, she was crazy, she hit the kids, she accused me of stuff I didn't do, she ran to her parents after every fight they had, she wanted me to be home more, she wanted me to work more so she could spend more money, she refused to help in my business, she did this, she didn't do that, she was this way..." That may or may not all be true, but the point is... I can't think of anything that he said he thinks he could have done better. The whole thing was her fault. He even told me that when he was dating her, she wasn't bitter, she wasn't a psycho (but she was a little nuts), and she was very loyal to him.
I don't have much time left to write out what happened 2 nights ago so I'll just briefly sum it up and maybe I'll put my detailed thoughts together another time!
2 nights ago:
As I am writing this, I'm at work late. My husband was butt-hurt that I didn't text him all day yesterday or today. He was upset about me not coming home early to fuck him. And now he is upset that I didn't video call him tonight to ease his total paranoia about me cheating. He says he thinks I cheated tonight simply because I didn't check in enough. This is getting so fucking old. And I am now procrastinating going home because I feel a storm brewing. He says we won't fight, but I know there will be some kind of emotional punishment at the very least.
After I asked him if we would fight when I got home, he texted me "Ahhhh yes. Concerned about yourself, not worried about how you tore your husband to shreds tonight. No, [my name], we won't fight tonight. I'll be quiet and you'll do nothing."
Basically, I worked late, didn't check in often enough, didn't video call him, and I felt triggered because I felt that we were going to fight whenever I went home. So I was truly procrastinating. He finally video called me at almost midnight (yikes) and we got into it. He wasn't yelling but he was gaslighting me, crying, accusing me of cheating, telling me I'm hurting him and now this night is one of the top 5 of his hurts. He was telling me how triggered he was because I was definitely cheating on him since I was hiding out for so long. Also. A big takeaway for me was he said something and then I told him I didn't say whatever it was he said I said, and he looked at me like I was nuts. I asked him "Am I crazy? I feel crazy" and he acted like he was going to cry and he said "Maybe. Maybe. I don't know." BOOM. I guess now I'm the psycho, just like his ex. The thought crossed my mind that I could have been gaslighting him, but then quickly realized that narcissists don't ask that question. I'm actually still asking that question though.
I went home and we "talked" more. He was on his couch in his home office in the dark. I asked why he wasn't in bed and he wouldn't answer me but told me he was triggered and I "obviously don't understand." A bit later he said he was done talking and he was going to sleep there. I said "I guess I should probably sleep on the couch with you." Bad idea. He was so upset by that comment, because of course I should be begging for his forgiveness, sleeping on the floor next to him, holding his hand all night, proving how much I love him and how sorry I was for ignoring him all evening.
Obviously I am digesting a lot right now. There's still more but now I have to go.
Thanks, everyone, I appreciate you all very much.
[This message edited by soapt at 12:02 AM, Saturday, March 26th]