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Wayward Side :
W post: Now I am finally the one contemplating divorce.


straightup ( member #78778) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I hope you are still speaking to your counsellor.

Don’t keep all of your eggs in one basket with your SIL. I truly hope she supports you, you know them, and are in the best position to judge. I’m just saying seek support where you can find it elsewhere too, just in case SIL and BIL don’t quite come through.

Your STBXH is messed up. It may be nature, may be nurture, or both. If he had serious FOO issues, your SIL had to negotiate some of that too. She may have evolved, but it makes the true position difficult to discern from this distance.

I say this as a child of two somewhat narcissistic alcoholics, with affair and divorce thrown in. It can make you more fiercely ethical, but it’s no easy ride, and some in that situation can’t get it together.

There is just something in your recent post which set off caution alarms for me. It may just be projection. I first decided not to say anything, but have come back just to say, stay careful, have contingency plans until you are out.

I’m glad you’re getting out. I posted early on your thread and like almost all other posters, my advice was that you needed to get out ASAP.

[This message edited by straightup at 10:16 PM, Friday, April 22nd]

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8731310

straightup ( member #78778) posted at 9:54 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Are you okay Soapt?

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8732425

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 1:50 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Okay so just a quick update. I've been staying at my sister & brother-in-law's house since Easter. We've been hashing out memories, past things that could have meant something else, strategizing about lawyer stuff, living situations, freaking out, and just trying to stay positive together. We've all been deceived. I found out they have known about his narcissism since 2019 which was when they moved away.

I told my sisters. My sister-in-law told my other sisters-in-law. Everyone believed us immediately, no one questioned it.

My STBXH got served with a protective order Monday the 25th. That was a horrible freaking awful day. Right after getting served, he called my sister-in-law and said he was going to commit suicide and wanted her to hear it. He said life isn't worth living if I'm not with him. She reminded him about his older kids and he said "they aren't enough." She also tried to get him to call the suicide prevention hotline with her but he just kept freaking out. He also broke the no contact order by asker her to go get me and ask if I'm separating or divorcing him. She ignored his request. He hung up on her and I guess he talked with my dad after.

I told my mom that my dad should keep an eye on him in case he was serious. He listened to him for awhile. I am worried about dad falling for his shenanigans. I've talked to mom about my concerns and she's helped a bit because my dad is just so bad at communicating, but I still have to consider that my dad also cares a lot about him and I need to be careful what I say to him.

Last week on the 19th, my brother-in-law and I drove to my house to pick up evidence, my laptop, a few clothes and my car. It was like a covert op. I might write a book on it someday, it was just too perfect. We got all the things I needed and went back to SIL & BIL's house with zero issues. We even had a believable story for why my car wasn't in our driveway. It was terrifying. And STBXH played nice and love bombed the crap out of me last week. I told him I didn't want to talk and I needed space. He actually left me alone and didn't bother me. He did try to say he missed his best friend, which made me feel guilty and cry. My SILs and BIL cried with me and reminded me this act won't last. I knew that, but it's always nice to feel seen without being judged.

Something that really hit me last week was how physically different my STBXH looks to me now that I've had space. Glass shattered. He looks like a fat, disgusting, perverted gross man. It's very weird coming to this realization of who I have been with this whole time. He literally looks different. Now I know what my counselor meant by saying I won't be able to begin the healing process until I'm out. I thought I saw it before but now I really get it. I can't unsee it. I took off my wedding ring and my mommy ring one night because I couldn't get to sleep. I got to sleep after I took them off. It feels naked, but I'll get used to it. I'm also definitely going to be changing my name back to my birth name. I'm not his property, and anything I can do to separate from him, I will do it, even if my daughter has his last name.

My lawyer is working on writing up a no-contact protective order for STBXH to consent to rather than go to court. I actually think he will agree to whatever I ask. We'll see I guess.

Also yes I am still speaking with my counselor, she is helping tremendously.

Anyway, I'm about to watch the NFL draft with my BIL. That's kind of weird and hard because I would normally watch it with my STBXH. We both have kinda weird feelings about it, because they would text each other about football all the time. But in reality, that's like the only thing they talked about together.

Thank you everyone for supporting me this whole time! I am actually out. grin

[This message edited by soapt at 1:52 AM, Friday, April 29th]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8732606

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 1:51 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I should clarify, a judge ordered a temporary protective order, and the hearing coming up will determine if I need one for a whole year.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8732607

straightup ( member #78778) posted at 2:27 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I am glad SIL and BIL came through. Good luck Soapt. Stay safe.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8732615

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:52 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

So glad to hear this update soapt! You have made a marathon's worth of progress in the time it would take most to run a mile!

I'm very glad your in-laws are so helpful with you. Also really glad you're getting the protective order.

It's again, good confirmation that he's been all him all the time with the way he reacted to your serving papers. Really? I got suicidal several times in my life, but I held on for my kids. They alone were enough. WTF. Imagine your daughter growing up with a dad who thinks she's not enough for him to hang on for? Boggles my mind.

Let your dad have him... the two of them can still be besties, just... not around you!

Keep it up, you're going to do great!

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732619

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 7:57 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Glad to see this update Soapt! Look at how strong you are becoming. I'm glad you're finally seeing him for who he is and getting yourself out of there!

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8732870

HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Sounds like things are moving forward and you have a lot of support!

How is everything going with your daughter? Is she with you? I’m assuming the order of protection extends to her as well.

I know there’s a lot on your plate right now but I would highly suggest getting her into therapy if you can. This has got to be a lot for her to process

DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8733188

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

How are things soapt? Did you get an apartment yet? What about RO?

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8733946

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 6:52 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

I held on for my kids. They alone were enough.

Exactly. He was just blowing smoke and being a manipulative asshole like he always did with me.

My daughter hasn't seen her counselor in weeks, but I set up a new one here for May 11th. Very excited for that. She's doing pretty good but obviously has small bouts of missing her daddy. I am still seeing my counselor. We've changed my therapy goals since I'm no longer in crisis mode and I made a huge life change. I am sleeping better but my appetite is suffering. I am forcing myself to eat nourishing food but I just feel sick most days. My SIL and I are joining a codependency support group here, and we are going to a church we all find beneficial. It is so healing to be with them again, they've been my best friends since I was 16 and my stupid STBXH kept us distant. I have also accepted that I am a victim of domestic abuse. It is really hard for me to say, I really really dislike the word victim. But it's the truth. sad

My protective order hearing got moved to the end of May and my STBXH is trying to get shared custody of our daughter because he thinks he's been her primary caregiver laugh AND he is alluding to me having to pay him child support because his business is 100% in my name. Thank God for my mom and my lawyer. But I am nervous.

I am visiting my stepdaughters tonight, they want to see their sister. I am nervous but I know they don't like their dad, and I think they might talk to me. I won't share with them any details of the abuse because I think it is highly inappropriate AND their mother is nosy AF. But I do hope it keeps an open door for love and growth between us. I pray they will feel safe with me. My vision has been so distorted from the abuse that I don't know what they believe.

My dad is also much better. He and mom visited yesterday. He listened to me and the majority of what happened to me, including some icky details. I saw him weeping twice. I hate seeing my dad cry, but it was moving. They were not tears of manipulation and selfishness like what I'm used to from STBXH. They were tears of sorrow, love and remorse. He also listened to my in-laws' story about my STBXH and how he abused them in their business partnerships. Dad said he was sorry we all had to go through such terrible stuff. Now I am sure he is on my side. When I left the room, he told my sister in law he just wants to kill him. He also told me I better not ever go back to him.

My mom is paying for a private investigator to see if they can find any videos of me with those guys that my STBXH may have sold or put up online. If they find anything, it's a federal offense and he can serve jailtime, and it would mean I was literally trafficked in every sense of the word. I actually hope that they find something. It's our ticket away from him forever.

Did you get an apartment yet? What about RO?

No apartment yet, I am staying in my SIL & BIL's spare bedroom until I do. There is not a lot to choose from especially since I want my pets. What is RO?

That's it for now. Thank you for checking in as always.

[This message edited by soapt at 6:58 PM, Friday, May 6th]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8733997

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Hi Soapt,

RO restraining order.

It is so good to hear you getting all this support from your family! Your STBXH cheated his parents in business too? WTF?

Good for you staying at your sister in laws. I think I'm just amazed that so many in his family didn't say anything?

As for custody, he sounds delusional. He's losing control and trying to get you scared and running back to him any way he can.

Just throwing out ideas here, but is there any way you can sell your company to your father? If you are the sole owner of the company, you would likely be the only one needed to sign over the LLC to him. That way, your dad owns the company, doesn't give you a salary (or a small one) and pays your STBXH the full combined amount you earned from the revenue. Not sure whether or not that could be done, but it may be worth a look. You could claim the trauma from the DV and the D is so great, you can't run the company now and think it best your father help instead.

Sometimes these schemers paint themselves into corners grin

If STBXH quits on you, he would have to be willing to live without income for over a year or so during the D process. Good luck to him finding a place to live since his entire family is alienated. Anyway, doesn't he have child support payments to make for his other 2 children? Wouldn't he have to find work regardless?

Either way, even if the situation stands and you own the company, as long as you can run the finances so he's being paid a much larger salary than you, he will owe you child support.

Hang in there!

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8734001

nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 1:10 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

So glad to hear from you Soapt. Maybe if you reframe victim of domestic abuse to survivor of domestic abuse it will help? You are a survivor!!! Look how far you've come!

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8734276
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