Basically, he wants to keep you under his thumb and blind to his abuse of you so HE doesn't have to face HIS SHAME. Until he's open to facing his shame, taking responsibility for his actions and accepting the hurt he's done you, you don't have someone you can have a marriage with.
I decided to try one more time with this so I pleaded for MC with him. We were already talking about changing things so we can have a better relationship. Here is how the conversation went:
Me: How about marriage counseling?
Me: Really? But I'll talk about sex
Him: Then no
Me: "Why??! Why why why? That is our whole fucking issue. I cannot heal if you don't face your shame, or me with my own. And I doubt you can heal either. There's no way
Him: I see
Me: I feel hopeless. We are doomed
Him: Ok, if that's what I have to do to love you then ok
Me: Ok wonderful, I can't believe that. I know it's uncomfortable. On a scale of 1-10 what is the scale of fear of someone hearing about our problems?
Me: Why though? Don't you want to grow and heal and find out what happened inside us that guided our decisions?
Him: We can talk about you cheating and choosing other guys over me buuuuut I'd really rather not talk about the early stuff.
It was kind of a test to see how much of his recent treatment is real change. For a second there I was like "Okay, he actually is open to look within himself to actually love me!" Aaaand he failed. This makes me deeply sad.
What was it you shared? I can see his upset as coming from a genuine place. However, the "jumping out of the car" thing is a method of manipulation.
I shared something with him that I discussed in counseling but I do not remember what it was (it was in 2018 that I went). He has overreacted in this way another time last year.
Basically makes it impossible for you to share anything relating to your pain without him killing himself... again, more shame, control and complete shut down of emotional intimacy.
This is 100% accurate and I feel it.
When he finds out about your counseling, what kinds of things is he going to do to you?
He will freak the fuck out, have a panic attack, act like he is suicidal, feel betrayed, and ask me billions of questions. He won't harm me or make me fuck any men from that. But to him it's like cheating. Serious betrayal.
What I'm seeing here is a TON of co-dependency. Posters tend to hate the term, but I think it really does apply here. He is DEPENDENT on you to keep his fragile sense of self secure and safe. He CONTROLS you because he can't control HIMSELF. You accept and ENABLE this behavior because you feel a RESPONSIBILITY toward him for his wellbeing. You are NOT responsible for his sense of self worth and security in his manhood.
Yes, I can agree he is. And I do feel responsible, definitely. I can work on getting out of that mindset.
Another thing that went down this week was he decided he can't get over me wanting other guys or remembering good things about them. So he said if I just get it out of my system with SC, eventually get sick of him, then he will be convinced that I'm done of my own accord. We tried that before and it did not work. But in the moment I agreed. Because I'm addicted too and I can't say NO to my husband or really anyone! The next day he said he didn't want to hear any details, he didn't want me to talk about it with him, but to still record the activity. I told my husband I made plans to go see SC to see how he felt, and the next day I told him I changed my mind and that I don't want to ever (today). After a few questions to be sure I meant it, he said "Ok then, this is good for us. Let's keep saying and doing things that are good for us." That's when I brought up counseling.
A man who has no qualms coercing his wife to fuck 3 random strangers in one day will have no qualm moving on to physical abuse when extremely provoked. I am afraid for your safety when he finds out you are getting counseling and posting on this board. Let alone when you make known ANY desire for separation or divorce. These situations/revelations will be EXTREMELY PROVOKING.
I agree it is provoking, but I do not believe it will get physical. If he didn't beat the shit out of me after "D-day", it won't happen now. Something I didn't mention is that his ex-wife was abusive and screamed at and hit/punched him frequently (I have heard the audio recordings). You might think I'm naive but I can confidently say the most he will do if he finds out about counseling or this or that I am heavily considering divorce is harm himself.
I'm sure you are all somewhat tired of hearing me bargaining to keep it together because clearly I should just run. Sorry if that is the case, it's just that this is a big deal. The biggest decision ever. I just want to get my thoughts out and get as much guidance as possible. I appreciate it all very much!
[This message edited by soapt at 9:38 PM, Tuesday, February 22nd]