Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: izMAnmLqwM2y5yMBJKA

Wayward Side :
W post: Now I am finally the one contemplating divorce.

default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:49 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

RUN.

Like the wind.

RUN.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8717353
default

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 6:33 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

You have a higher calling here that supersedes your marital issues, your future, and even your welfare. You’re a Mother.

That child can not continue to live, thrive in this, what you’ve described, toxic environment. If you can’t find it within you to save yourself, at least save your child.

You are wrecking your daughter. Every day she’s forced to live in this environment you are damaging her. Kids soak up toxins like a sponge.

Reach deep down to those maternal instincts and let your Mama Bear take action.

Bankruptcy is a relatively small price to pay to save yourself and your child from this hell.

It’s only going to get worse. Your husband has some serious issues. I agree with the previous posters, he’s seems caught up in some kinda voyeur-cockled sadism fetish.

I would even venture that he could easily be more of a physical danger to you and your daughter than the mostly Psych-Ops warfare he’s been employing to date.

You need to start acting like your lives are at stake, with a greater sense of urgency.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:41 PM, Saturday, February 19th]

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8717389
default

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 6:53 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Does your husband actually care about your affair or is he using it as leverage to force you into performing acts that indulge what I’m assuming is a fetish he has for you with other men?

A lot of this comes across as him pretending to be a betrayed spouse to heighten his gratification from the fetish. Sending you out to be with other men but angrily making himself known to them as your husband immediately after? It makes no sense other than he is creating situations he can role play as the BS. What makes you think he’s genuinely upset about the 2018 boyfriend?

I personally think this idea you had an affair is just one more layer to his abuse and control of you.


It was a fetish, absolutely, 1000000%. He does care about my affair. That's when things really started to go bad. He wasn't this level of abusive before that. All the screaming and name calling and kicking me out never happened before. To him, my AP got a piece of me that he will never get back, and he was made the fool instead of AP. The emotional abuse before 2018 was his fetish of me being with other men, but none of this screaming and threats and shit.

I will say that I think the part that bothered him about the affair was that he lost control. Before, he had control or what he thought was control, when I would perform these sexual deviations.

He's not pretending, he actually is hurt. But my whole issue is that he pretends that he never hurt me by sending me off with strangers and not being interested in me if I didn't do that.

"but he says he loves me" is a great book by Dina McMillan. I thought of it because of your, "but what about the two weeks?" Practice saying this phrase, "I'm sorry that's not good enough for me." Abused women never say that.


Thank you for that suggestion, I will definitely read it ASAP.

Sounds like I should have left a long time ago.

However something happened yesterday and I don't know what to make of it. And it all seems coincidental, like, right after I posted this thread??

He had done some thinking all day and had some epiphany that caused him to tell me that he is going to let everything go because he has been missing out on how wonderful I am. He was kissing me and touching me like he did when we were dating. He said over and over that he doesn't want to miss out on me anymore just because he is weak and can't get over something I did. He even attempted sex, but he went limp right away so it didn't work out very well. And did it again this morning. I'm at work right now. And he just texted me that he deleted all the photos he had of me doing things with other men and said "We are done with all that shit. Nothing but loving you in my future." He's never done that, ever. Even if he is lying, he's never said any of that. I have not hinted at divorce, whatsoever either.

After discussing this with my counselor last week, AND after hearing all of these responses I was absolutely leaning toward divorce. Now I'm not sure, simply because this has never happened. I don't want to break up immediately after he makes this huge decision to let go of whatever pain I gave him AND the paraphernalia of his addiction. Yeah, 2 weeks of change sounds like no big deal. But making an effort like this? I don't know anymore.

I'm mainly giving you an update. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, I promise I will consider all your comments deeply. I need some prayer and some time to reflect on all this.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717394
default

straightup ( member #78778) posted at 7:19 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

You say his thing is control. He may be monitoring you. Is he using a keyboard logger or something similar?

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8717399
default

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Read up on "Love Bombing" which can be a manifestation of several mental health disorders.

Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person. It’s a form of manipulation commonly used to control you. Often used by narcissists and other personality disorders.

I don’t want to play amateur hour dilettante psychologist here, but it is definitely something to consider. This loving phase that he is in is, most likely, temporary and will be followed by more or even worse abuses.

I think you know this. You seem intelligent and self aware, just scared to move from your perceived comfort zone. I don’t think any of us have told you anything that you’re not already thinking about on some level.

I’m going to say it again, I believe most women have that Mama Bear within them, that fierce primal maternal instinct, that has allowed us to perpetuate as a species. Tap into that and use it as the impetus you need to take that first step to saving you and your daughter.

It’s all downhill after that first step.

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8717412
default

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 8:38 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

You say his thing is control. He may be monitoring you. Is he using a keyboard logger or something similar?

Interesting idea. But I know he hasn't done that because if he knew I was writing about our personal sexual lives, asking for other men's advice, listening to them tell me to dump his ass, I know I would hear about it and I would be getting a very different response than what I'm getting today.

That child can not continue to live, thrive in this, what you’ve described, toxic environment. If you can’t find it within you to save yourself, at least save your child.

Great advice, thank you for pointing this out. As obvious as it is to outsiders, it's not to me. She adores him, and he is a very good caregiver for her. As weird as it is, how he has treated me is not how he treats her or his teenage kids from his previous marriage. I know they are well cared for and loved. That's another reason why I'm confused.

[This message edited by soapt at 8:41 PM, Saturday, February 19th]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717416
default

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 9:02 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Read up on "Love Bombing" which can be a manifestation of several mental health disorders.

Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person. It’s a form of manipulation commonly used to control you. Often used by narcissists and other personality disorders.

I've never heard of this, but unfortunately it does sound familiar.

You seem intelligent and self aware, just scared to move from your perceived comfort zone.


You are true, very scared.

With that, I think I want to control the outcome. I know in my mind that's not at all possible. But still, deep down I trick myself into thinking I can. As in, I am afraid if I leave he will follow through and kill himself, leaving my daughter fatherless. I think I will lose my relationships with his sisters who are my only close friends, I will lose my relationships with my stepkids, and our business will die. Lastly, I fear my daughter will lose respect for me if she finds out what her dad and I have done. I get that people have their own choices and I can't control anyone but myself, but I still feel I need to be strategic and plan for the best outcome for everyone. IDK.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717421
default

annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:23 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

He wasn't this level of abusive before that. All the screaming and name calling and kicking me out never happened before.

^^^No level of abuse is ever acceptable. Ever. What this man is doing to you is horrific, and please understand no matter how he treats your child, she knows deep down he's sick. How do I know? My dad was an abuser who never abused me but the emotional toll was devastating. I was well cared for and my father loved me, but his sickness permeated our entire family. Please open your eyes!

Put your daughter first and stop making excuses for this abuser.

Seek help from a women's shelter. They will help you plan a safe exit.

posts: 11507   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8717426
default

IceGold ( new member #79515) posted at 10:29 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

As a BS I understand the rage and the pain - but this is so far above and beyond. I felt really sick reading about how he demanded that you sleep with other men as punishment. This is rape by proxy. He’s an abusive POS and nothing you did deserved that treatment. There are times where murderous thoughts crossed my mind…but this is a level of sadistic and depraved I truly can’t imagine. Please, please, please get help. You need to leave this man before he destroys you and your daughter.

Me= BW married 18 years
Too many DD to want to list
Two wonderful kids that deserve better

posts: 13   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Carbon Based Planet
id 8717435
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:41 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

As in, I am afraid if I leave he will follow through and kill himself, leaving my daughter fatherless. I think I will lose my relationships with his sisters who are my only close friends, I will lose my relationships with my stepkids, and our business will die. Lastly, I fear my daughter will lose respect for me if she finds out what her dad and I have done.


Not one thing in there is worse than your current reality, living with some psycho who sends you out to fuck strange for his own titillation and who has abused you whenever he felt like he was losing control. It's not YOUR job to preserve his life. That's his job. And yeah, friends with the sisters is nice, but you can make other friends who don't have these kind of strings attached. You can start another business or get a job. You can pay off debt or declare bankruptcy. And you have no control over what your daughter finds out. Wouldn't it be better for her to also find out though that you took the necessary steps to get out of an abusive situation??

The bottom line here is that NO ONE can restore your honor and your decency but YOU. The fact that your abuser was all sweet and nice to you after you posted here means that he's most likely spying on you. Check your computer or phone or whatever you've used for spyware. Change your passwords to google, apple, any cloud and any app you use. Track down old phones and pads that might be linked to your current tech. And no... it's not likely that he'd find out and then explode. The controlling type doesn't lose his shit until he feels certain he's lost control.

See an attorney and end this farce of a relationship. I don't say that lightly either. Get some IC and figure out why you've tolerated this crap for so long. Fix your picker and figure out what your REAL core values are.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5429   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8717451
default

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 11:53 PM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

The fact that your abuser was all sweet and nice to you after you posted here means that he's most likely spying on you.

So, I understand why you'd think this, but there is no way. His contemplating was going on before I hit the "post" button and I know because he was texting me all day. I just didn't know the depths of his thoughts until I went home. Also, I have posted my story on another website and when I told him, he did lose his shit and it freaked him out (a few years ago). This is how I know he hasn't read this. It is a strange coincidence.

BUT his behavior is still making me question his sincerity, so I'm treading lightly, and carefully absorbing his words while observing his actions that SHOULD match.


Everyone here is saying a resounding "leave now". I want to speak with my counselor a few more times before doing that. I appreciate everyone's responses. It helps me feel...not crazy. Validating. Thank you.

[This message edited by soapt at 11:58 PM, Saturday, February 19th]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717453
default

porscheguy ( new member #79764) posted at 1:46 AM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022

I briefly dated someone in a situation similar to yours. Your husband is what I call a "degenerate cuckold."

Anyway back to this girl I dated. Over the course of her toxic marriage he found 40-50 guys to have sex with her. He liked to choose them and to watch. On three separate instances, she had zero desire to go through with it. He stood there and watched, with an erection and a smile, while his wife got raped. Clearly she was a broken person. Horribly depressed and barely functional.

The sad part is that she, like you, was somewhat tolerant and loving with this degrading treatment. She thought her issues stemmed from some workplace injury a few years prior and refused to accept that it was more to do with being forced to have sex with countless random strangers to please her husband.

I walked away because there was way too much baggage to handle.

I’ll finish this by saying when you’re husband demands you "atone" for your "cheating" by having sex with three random dudes in one day, that’s not normal.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8717469
default

straightup ( member #78778) posted at 3:21 AM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022

I grew up with an unstable, alcoholic, mother, who had all sorts of good qualities. I exposed myself for years to way too much trauma, to level her out, time and again, for her, and to minimize pain to my siblings and to avoid social embarrassment.

Now, I would discourage anyone from doing that.

None of what I went through involves the level of out and out deliberate sadism you have endured.

You might have heard unwell people spoken of as mad, bad or sad. It sounds dismissive, but I don’t say it from a position of ignorance, I absolutely promise you.

Your husband is bad. This is not a kink got out of hand. There is no fixing it enough to make the battle worth it for you or your daughter.

Please get out of there. Don’t hang around like you have been trained by him to do, reading his emotions, anticipating his next move, reading meaning into his words and gestures, wondering if there is a change in the air. That’s what abuse victims do.

It’s done. He’s not safe. It can’t be recovered. Save youself and your daughter. Start making plans to leave right now. Never change your mind and go back.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8717476
default

TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 10:06 PM on Sunday, February 20th, 2022

I agree with others that this situation is highly abusive and toxic.

OP he has to abuse you to get off. There is not one thing about that that is healthy, acceptable or IMO curable without extensive, years long therapy and a lifelong commitment to "sobriety." He will fight those demons the rest of his life,and the odds are he will never succeed.

Do you really think a few sentences have done the job of changing him? It hasn't. But you will need to play this out for yourself. Please talk to you IC and perhaps increase your visits if you can. You have been to hell and back at his hand, your battered self can't see what is obvious to others. Take care.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8717646
default

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 4:06 AM on Monday, February 21st, 2022

I walked away because there was way too much baggage to handle.

So basically I'm screwed if I wanted to ever marry again. duh In my case there haven't even been 15 guys, so I am at least thankful it wasn't more than that. *Me pretending it's not that bad*

I realized I have not really mentioned this: Mostly due to AG from January, BS doesn't want me to do that shit anymore and just wishes I would be his and his alone. It is a weird thing, like he fetished this all this time but is also very possessive and jealous. I've never understood and I don't think he has either. Anyway, he's wanted me to choose him, and be done hooking up with and thinking of other men (like AG or SC because I liked them). I have not believed him and for good reason, so I told him that I might want to keep going. Even though what he claims to want is what I've wanted our whole marriage...and it's kind of why I cheated actually. My own unhealthy thoughts have been if my husband wasn't willing to give me intimacy then I'll find fake intimacy from someone else (2018 bf, SC or AG), and at least I'll get to have sex. sad However, I ended up committing to BS, cutting off SC and deleting any paraphernalia I had on any other guys.

Correction: BS started to ask me to stop with this extramarital stuff since October 2021, but still went back and forth with it. Like we would still talk about SC and get off about it and other times he would say he wants me to just stop and choose him instead. I guess AG was the nail in the coffin.

BS hates AG because we cuddled a lot and I played with his hair, and I didn't check in with BS quickly enough while I was with AG. look The cuddling and hair caressing was too romantic or intimate maybe. He HATES 2018 bf because I met up without his involvement. He doesn't hate SC because he wasn't a threat.

I get to talk to my IC Wednesday and I'm very impatient. And my insurance only covers 45 minutes a week.

She thought her issues stemmed from some workplace injury a few years prior and refused to accept that it was more to do with being forced to have sex with countless random strangers to please her husband.

I do know what my pain comes from and I have known for a long time. I just think I have not understood the degree of my abuse and I have not had the courage to make a move. It is so easy to see other's abuse and pain but your own is a different story. Hearing all this is giving me validation like I've never had.

[This message edited by soapt at 4:11 AM, Monday, February 21st]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717701
default

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, February 21st, 2022

Hi Soapt,

I'm so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you've been through a woodchipper backwards with the level of abuse you've experienced. The 3 guys in one day "punishment" by your husband is disgusting. How are you finding these people? Is he finding them for you? Either way, I agree with others that it sounds like you were trafficked sexually by your own husband. Even if it was unpaid, it's still trafficking- coerced sex with random people. Your husband was no better than a pimp or a john and expected you to play the whore.

Please think on this long and hard- your HUSBAND expected you to act the whore to suit HIS depraved sexual needs.

What loving person does this? Would you want your child anywhere near someone capable of forcing their "beloved spouse" to fuck random guys? Would you want your child to be in a similar situation? I say it a lot on here- the kind of marriage you expose your children to sets their expectations in their future partners.

As for the 45min a week, that does seem like only a little when you need a lot. Are there any sexual or domestic violence survivor support groups in your area? If you could supplement your counseling with group support, it would go a long way toward giving you the help and community care you're needing. It would be worthwhile to ask your counselor or call a local shelter about this. It would be a great way to reach out, make new friends and get perspectives from people who have been in your situation.

I hear your fears about leaving because of finances. How about thinking like this: YOU are CAPABLE and YOU are RESILIENT. You are able to help run a business in the middle of HORRIFIC SEXUAL ABUSE. How's that for being able to work under pressure? YOU are a BAD ASS ASSET to ANYONE's BUSINESS.

Turn that negative self talk on it's head. You are strong, you are capable and you are resilient. Any employer who could see into your situation would love to have you on board. Running a successful family business while being pimped out and abused regularly by your depraved husband? Most people wouldn't even be able to keep their sanity. You are a BAD ASS ASSET.

Go get it. Find another job. Tell your husband that as part of you continuing in this marriage, you are going to find employment outside the family business. This can be the first boundary you can work on.

PM ME AND I WILL HELP YOU WRITE A RESUME. I have successfully changed jobs multiple times in my career. Each time gaining higher pay, higher rank and higher visibility. I did this even after an extended "maternity leave" of 1.5ish years to have my 2 babies. All in a MALE DOMINATED field. I am a bad ass asset too laugh blush . I would love to help you put together your strengths on paper, help you market your abilities and help you negotiate a salary commensurate with your value. Think of this as the first step towards positive self talk- seeing what you are capable of contributing in black and white is a concrete way of laying out your worth. It's not the only aspect of your worth as an irreplaceable, unique living image of our Creator's genius, but it's a good first step.

Even living in a trailer park is better than living with this abusive, perverted, broken excuse for a human. I am praying for you and your child. Take the others' advice and GET OUT. Make a plan, start implementing it and GET OUT.

As part of that plan, consider having the police in on the loop. See if you can get your counselor's help in writing a timeline and documenting the sexual abuse. See if you can recover texts or information about your coerced sex. This will be important moving forward when you divorce- the court is not going to let a perverted sex offender anywhere near your child.

Finally, I am seeing you take on so much responsibility for healing your husband of his own sickness. It is not your responsibility to enable him. You and your actions cannot effect his healing. He is sick- it is a cancer of his mind and soul. Are you an oncologist? Are you a surgeon? Is he even taking himself to see someone capable of helping him heal? You are not a professional and it is NOT YOUR JOB to heal him. Start telling him this- watch the reaction- and see what it's like inside your heart to let go of that burden.

Again, his sickness is not your fault, nor is it your burden to carry or job to heal.

Wishing you the best. FYI, I tend to write novels... thanks for hanging in there laugh

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8717779
default

DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, February 21st, 2022

I will say your BH sounds bi-polar from your side of things. I assume this because my dad was bi-polar (diagnosed when he got older) with ADHD. His PTSD also doesn't help because it means he snaps and then justifies it.

I think your husband has an inferiority complex as well. Probably due to his failed marriage or childhood trauma. That is why he likes to know you are with other guys, then choose him. It makes him feel unworthy when you go to other guys and he feels chosen when you return to him. He fantasizes that you find the other guys less than equal to him. This is what my swinger friend said and it was eye opening for me.

Now, for the cheating on your part. He isn't that broken up over it. He just doesn't know how to manage his manic phases. You also are cheating because you think this is normal healthy relationship interactions. I wonder if you were in an abusive household as a child? It would really slide the pieces together. You tolerate the violence because it is passion and you look for the love and care in the aftermath. Seeing it as fighting the same as all other couples, just they do it with several small cuts and you 2 do it with big swipes and get it over with. Cooking fast versus cooking slow.

The most shocking and scary thing in your whole story is the councilor thinking your daughter was being trafficked. Why would she think that?

Everything else I have seen from other WS's on here before. Lying to us because we are strangers. Some WS leave out facts that would totally rationalize the BS. That one line is what sticks with me the most. Being in your dysfunctional relationship, I think you 2 could use MC. It will be weird and you will need to discuss in advance what you 2 are working on or sessions will just spin round and round. Go in with a set of goals. Like sleeping in the same bed again, or something small like that. Then work towards that goal in the counseling. My friend and his wife hadn't been sleeping in the same bed for years (they blamed snoring). Then they got counseling and made that goal. 2 months later, they said they really missed waking up together but neither one was willing to come to the middle ground because of old resentments that would boil over while they laid in bed.

There is hope. The first thing we need to know is that your daughter isn't at risk. Then that you aren't at risk. It sounds like maybe he has turned a corner. He is no longer mad. Stop agreeing or cheating to sleep with other men. Shut that down 100%. It is never even a thought going forward. If he tells you to do it, just say no and walk away. Maybe put some bedding in your car so you can sleep in your rental or the business. Either way, start locking down your body and focus on building the emotional connection you first found with your husband. Sex is not going to help things until you rebuild your emotional connection.

I have 2 friends who are so opposite and abusive to each other it is unbelievable they are still married. Their daughter has an eating disorder and drug addiction which has gotten into extreme treatment levels. Those 2 are pulling together when smaller things have broken my other friend's marriages. They are unified and direct everything into defending and helping their daughter.
There is always hope. People do change, just usually it takes something outside to drive that change. So you aren't going to be the thing that changes this marriage, but maybe you can trigger what ever is needed to intercede.
Good luck.

posts: 701   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8717905
shocked1

 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 12:07 AM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022

@MIgander Thank you so much, that is so kind of you. I tend to write novels too lol. And you are a bad ass!

The most shocking and scary thing in your whole story is the councilor thinking your daughter was being trafficked. Why would she think that?

It is me who she thinks has been trafficked, not my daughter. As badly as I have been treated, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my daughter is safe. She is always protected in his care and he would never let anyone touch her. I would even bet my life on that statement.

Everything else I have seen from other WS's on here before. Lying to us because we are strangers. Some WS leave out facts that would totally rationalize the BS. That one line is what sticks with me the most. Being in your dysfunctional relationship, I think you 2 could use MC.

A few things on this.

1. When we dated, I had an emotional affair with a GIRL I worked with when I was 20. This happened AFTER his fetish began but my BS denies that and would like to blame his fetish on this one single emotional affair from 11 years ago. Only I have a timeline to prove the chain of events and he refuses to acknowledge this as truth. He CANNOT be the one to have started this. I was still in the wrong! But yeah.

2. I feel like I hide from you how much I agreed to go with these strange men, or how much I pretended to like it, simply to appease my husband and keep him interested in me. Even when I would say nope, I would revert after awhile because I would not really get anywhere sexually with him if I didn't. It has been a rollercoaster of this same theme for our whole marriage. So of course I do have responsibility in this by not standing firm. Easier said than done though, when you're in the middle of it I guess. And, after many years of this, I am now likely addicted as well, as I actually have enjoyed SC and AG. And the 2018 bf was mostly anger-induced but I still admit I enjoyed him too. sad

3. I agree, MC would do wonders. I've suggested this several times to him but he always says no, he would never talk about our sex life with anyone else, ever. He has also not wanted me to go by myself because he is afraid they would convince me to leave him. But I have gone to a counselor before for like 3 sessions and he always questioned me afterward. Once I shared something while driving home that shook him so much that it made him behave like he would jump out of our moving car. It was too much for me so I stopped going. So now I am headed into my 4th SECRET virtual counseling session with an awesome therapist. Wednesday cannot come soon enough.

There is hope. The first thing we need to know is that your daughter isn't at risk. Then that you aren't at risk. It sounds like maybe he has turned a corner. He is no longer mad.

You're the first person who has said this. Thanks, and I will carefully consider everything.

I wonder if you were in an abusive household as a child? It would really slide the pieces together.

Forgot to mention that no, I have never been sexually abused whatsoever growing up. My parents were pretty normal. We went to church, they had stable businesses and jobs, I lived in 2 homes my entire childhood, was never touched or verbally abused by anyone and I count myself lucky. I can admit they were not perfect, there are other ways I have been wounded by them but it was never due to anything abusive. Almost everything catastrophically painful in my life I feel came from the relationship I'm desperately trying to understand.
But...BS has confessed to me that someone close to him touched him in his sleep countless times as a teenage boy going through puberty. OBVIOUSLY he never dealt with this properly because his stance on it is that he basically gives her a pass because "she was just broken and abused" and he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. mad This makes me so angry because I think that's why he doesn't think what he has done to me is abusive. He really doesn't see it. crying

[This message edited by soapt at 12:44 AM, Tuesday, February 22nd]

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8717952
default

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022

I agree, MC would do wonders. I've suggested this several times to him but he always says no, he would never talk about our sex life with anyone else, ever. He has also not wanted me to go by myself because he is afraid they would convince me to leave him.

I don't see that you have much to work with here until this changes. The "never talking" the fear of him losing you through your counselor showing you how you deserve kind, gentle treatment... It's all about power, control and domination with him. He doesn't want you to seek help and healing as that would bring you closer to calling him into account for the damage he's done to you. His shame is preventing him seeking help and by proxy, leads him to prevent you from better understanding his responsibility in your degradation. Basically, he wants to keep you under his thumb and blind to his abuse of you so HE doesn't have to face HIS SHAME. Until he's open to facing his shame, taking responsibility for his actions and accepting the hurt he's done you, you don't have someone you can have a marriage with. UNTIL this happens, you cannot have an M with him- he just isn't marriage material. He is NOT a safe partner. MC is useless in these circumstances. Only use it to discuss any of your thoughts of D or S. You will need a safe place to reveal that so he doesn't become violent.

The question then becomes, how long are you willing to wait? How many sacrifices are you willing to make of your time, well being and safety are you going to make before HE begins HIS healing? Is that even fair to you? That you have to sacrifice your own bodily safety- through fucking other guys under coercion- so he can feel in control? It has stopped for now... but really, is it going to gone for good?? He has to effect his own healing. Right now, considering staying until the changes you have seen solidify open you up to more abuse. You are not responsible for his healing, but you are responsible for your own physical safety- and that of your DAUGHTER. Do you have to divorce? No. Would it be good to take a break from being in his physical presence? That is a question I would go over in counseling.

Once I shared something while driving home that shook him so much that it made him behave like he would jump out of our moving car.

What was it you shared? I can see his upset as coming from a genuine place. However, the "jumping out of the car" thing is a method of manipulation. The emotional disturbance can be understood and empathized with. The manipulation is an inappropriate and abusive coping mechanism. Basically makes it impossible for you to share anything relating to your pain without him killing himself... again, more shame, control and complete shut down of emotional intimacy.

my 4th SECRET virtual counseling session

I am so glad you're keeping up with IC. It is going to bear so much good fruit for you. The fact that it's secret still points to the dangerous situation you're in. You keeping it secret is a bright red flag that you KNOW you're not safe. He's going to find out eventually that you've been speaking to someone about your marriage and sex life. He's going to find out that you've been sharing emotional intimacy out side the marriage. His rage comes out when you're intimate in any way with others.

BS hates AG because we cuddled a lot and I played with his hair ... The cuddling and hair caressing was too romantic or intimate maybe.

He can't control your inner life and desperately fears you bonding with another person. He's going to lose you in some way and lose his control over you. His security in himself is directly tied to the level of control he has over you. THIS IS UNHEALTHY AND ABUSIVE. Like WTF level of unhealthy. When he finds out about your counseling, what kinds of things is he going to do to you?

and I didn't check in with BS quickly enough while I was with AG ... He HATES 2018 bf because I met up without his involvement. He doesn't hate SC because he wasn't a threat.

He again, needs your external physical actions under his control. You didn't meet his criteria for safe actions (check in), BOOM, he explodes and gets angry. You show agency (meet up w/o his direct instigation), BOOM, he explodes and is hurt. You have a BF that's not a threat, ok, he's cool and doesn't "hate" because his sense of security is unharmed.

What I'm seeing here is a TON of co-dependency. Posters tend to hate the term, but I think it really does apply here. He is DEPENDENT on you to keep his fragile sense of self secure and safe. He CONTROLS you because he can't control HIMSELF. You accept and ENABLE this behavior because you feel a RESPONSIBILITY toward him for his wellbeing. You are NOT responsible for his sense of self worth and security in his manhood.

He's not showing much promise and is a definite danger to your safety and well being. Until HE decides to change, you staying physically in his presence is a danger to you.

A man who has no qualms coercing his wife to fuck 3 random strangers in one day will have no qualm moving on to physical abuse when extremely provoked.
I am afraid for your safety when he finds out you are getting counseling and posting on this board. Let alone when you make known ANY desire for separation or divorce. These situations/revelations will be EXTREMELY PROVOKING.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8718081
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022

I've been thinking about your situation a lot.

You say he is a great father,loves her so much and would protect her.

Bullshit.

You are in denial. Which is not surprising, considering the amount of abuse you have endured. Being abused changes the way your brain thinks.

He is a horrible father. Read your posts. He calls you, screaming at you. She hears that. He demands you fuck as many men as possible. He is putting your life at risk due to deadly stds, or some stranger who gets "too rough." He loves his child, yet puts that child's mother in extremely dangerous situations. You've had men over to your house,while he hides,and watches you fuck them. This man is sadisticly abusive to the mother of his child.

She knows. She may not know details. But she knows daddy is mean to mommy. Even if the two of you have been careful to hide it from her..she knows. Kids aren't stupid.

Your daughter is being raised in an incredibly abusive environment. He is causing that. You have the power to pull her out of it. And you need to. You need to love your daughter, more than you love him. You need to save both of you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:31 PM, Tuesday, February 22nd]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8718104
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy