Not quite sure why I’m posting this... Venting I suppose... I’ve looked at these forums and took advise from them for a couple of years at this point but just never posted... for some reason I feel like sharing my story today...
I’ve been with my wife for about 25 years. Married for 20. We have a 21 year son. It’s been a little over 2 years now since her affair. It lasted about 6 months during which she "left" and "came back" several times... And was lying to me every day during that time.
I found out about the affair 3 months in when her lover’s wife found the phone he was using to communicate with her. That’s when she told me about it, before the other wife would. In early December of 2019.
We were going through a rough patch at the time and it had been for a while at that point. I was in shock cause I never expected that from her. That said,my initial reaction was somewhat of a relief. We had a very civil conversation later that day, and I agreed that the magic was gone from the relationship; That we were essentially roommates at that point and that she might be better off leaving me for him, which is what she said she wanted to do.
She was leaving on a business trip the next day and her plan was to not come back and move in with him when she came back.
A few days in of being alone, the reality of the situation sunk in and I fell apart... I realized I didn’t want her to go... I couldn’t eat or sleep... I could just cry... I was reaching out to her via texts asking if we could talk... She was distant and had stopped referring to me as her husband at that point... She had totally disconnected from me...
On the day she was moving out (same day she was coming back from her business trip) she agreed to come over for us to talk... after a few hours, and with no force or anger of any kind on my part, she agreed that she also wanted to stay... At that point, she drove to her lovers house to "break it off" and to gather the belongings that she had already moved there. She had actually emptied out her closet without me having noticed... (she has her own prep room with separate closet)
She came back right before Xmas. We spent what I thought were nice holidays, but as I will explain later, I realized a few weeks later that she was still in contact with him and was still seeing him...
Going into January, I felt her getting more and more distant... I knew what it was, but she insisted that she was here and that there was no contact... I remember one specific (of several) hard discussions during that period where I was crying, with my hand on her heart, telling her that I trusted her no matter what... That the only thing I asked was for her to tell me if she had any kind of contact with him. She looked me in the eyes and promised she didn’t and would tell me if she did...
A month or 2 went by... due to the structure of our mobility phone bill, I didn’t see the historical data of her mobility use, but I found out I could go online to see it. It took through March for me to be able to see the whole picture, but once I did, I realized she had never broken it off... she was texting him several times a day and had almost daily calls of 30 mins to 2 hours... Which includes through Xmas and Valentine’s Day... I was heart broken...
We talked again and she moved out to her "parents"... Reality is, I don’t know where she went...
At that point, though I was heart broken and could barely function, I accepted the fact that it was over and that it was time for me to move on... And I did... I slowly started feeling better... started working out, listening to music, enjoying life without any kind of pressure... I also started making arrangements for separation...
That seemed to make it real for her, because at that point, she started contacting me regularly and keeping tabs on what I was doing... Though we were in full covid lock down at the time, she would still do things in such a way that I never had time to do anything for myself. She kept tabs on me, led me on that she might come back, but still continued her relationship with her lover... Even telling her friend that she couldn’t keep her mind off of him... and admitting to me that she loved him...
Anyhow; all this to say that she strung me along for months even after she had decided to leave...
She was essentially calling the shots of what I could do and when... she eventually decided that she wanted to come back in May... I welcomed her back...
Things were good for 6 months - 1 year, but slowly started to get back to our old ways over time... She had said all these things about being a new woman, independent, happy, easy going... but all that’s gone now...
I’m just on cruise control; just being what she wants me to be... doing what she wants to do, watching what she wants to watch, seeing who she wants to see...
The frustration is building more and more every day. For me, It still feels like it was yesterday that it all happened... She seems to have forgotten about it... and gets mad at me when I have a bad day and even allude to what happened being the reason...
Reality is, I just can’t get over it... The sexual aspect of it being the worst; I just keep seeing his hands on her... Imagining her in ecstasy... I touch her and feel like I’m over his hands... and worst, his "fluids"... I feel powerless... She had gone away from sex years ago, and like I mentioned, that’s one of her ways of being that came back... I honestly thought that she had "awakened" and that things would be different... I had come accustomed to it before and accepted that it was what it was, but knowing that she slept with him more times in 6 months than she had with me in the previous 6 years just drives me insane!
As a matter of fact, during all the discussion we had during that time, I found out that in the previous years, that she had slept with at least 3 other guys; one of them being my best friend.... So I’m second guessing the low libido that she says she has... ( And no; it has nothing to do with my appearance or shape... not to brag, but I check the boxes...)
To make matters worse, during the summer, after she came back, that same friend that I mentioned earlier was over having drinks with us... yes, the one she slept with years ago... We were downstairs... I came up to get a drink... As I was walking down I could here them talking... I stayed at the bottom of the steps and listened in... they were talking about how hot it was when they did it... I peeked in and he was rubbing her back... and she was allowing him... I stepped in, told him to go... I didn’t make a big deal of it with my wife, but I was hurt...
She subsequently setup this vow renewal ceremony later in the summer and from her stand point, everything is fixed and good; as if nothing ever happened... She even talks down about people having affairs some times, legit as if she’s never done it...
I just don’t know what to do anymore... She controls everything and is seems to be happy, so long as we do everything that she considers what happy couples do... What she wants to do... I’m so bored... And frustrated.... I almost regret taking her back... Matter of fact, I feel like I made her miss an opportunity; in the sense that the guy was a millionaire...12 + years older than her... charismatic and so on... (weird part is, he’s the brother of one of my buddies... I’ve been at his house and partied with him...) I feel like she could have had the dream life and one way or another I made her miss out on it... but again; she’s the one that chose to come back... I had moved on... I really had...
Another thing is, I’ll always wonder if she just came back to her safe place because of covid... I just don’t know... what happens when we get out of it and she’s out there again... on business trips and so on where she’ll likely run into him...
Anyhow, I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m posting it... Just venting I guess... And I suppose sharing a cautionary tale that there may not be an easy/quick fix to this stuff...