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General :
Are all waywards this clueless?

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:48 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

My wh currently works in construction with typically an all male staff.

A few times they have hired woman but they usually dont last. Turnover is high even amongst the men.

Not long ago a group of new hires came in including a few woman. All but one quit during the first and second weeks.

The woman who stayed wh says is a lesbian and married. He says she is a good worker etc.

Regardless of her sexual orientation the fact that wh talks about her more than just a little DRIVES ME NUTS!

Hes given me shit for not "caring" about his work life but when i ask if anything is new he shuts it down usually angrily that its the same shit every day.

Of course typically each fucking morning he will blab non stop about what goes on at work, including whats happening with gay woman...


So if i ask him about his day he gets upset.

If i dont ask him about his day im an uncaring bitch.

If i get frustrated hearing about gay girl im a jealous crazy bitch.

Fml i cannot win.

And the absolute worst thing he said about her is that he thinks she and i would get along great.

Maybe so but he pulled that line with his OW's too. mad

After having had at least four affairs you'd think he would grasp just how much talking about these woman can be upsetting for me.

I want to scream!!!

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709252
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 4:54 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Honestly (and please don't kill me here), it sounds like you view this gay woman as a threat, even though she is gay. Which is a little bit of an issue and something you might want to unpack.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709265
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Just because someone is gay doesn't mean there isn't a chance they won't cheat with the opposite sex. Seen it before.

The problem is how friendly and flirty MY wh is being with her.

He may think its Ok because shes gay but hes discussing MY life with her and thats a fucking NO NO!

So sorry if it bothers me that hes being way to personal with a co worker than he should be after having AT LEAST FOUR AFFAIRS THAT I KNOW OF....

And how do i know that HE is telling the truth? How do I know for sure shes gay? And married?

Its all his word which is nothing but bullshit.

So ya it bothers me.

This is why i dont post much anynore.

Fuck!

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709266
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

4 affairs? Yikes. You should be worried.

Why stay? Seems bad for you.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8709269
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:08 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Please forgive my messages if they are run on or anything weird, I am going on day 6 of no sleep and my brain is turning to mush.

I am NOT trying to be as on atagonistic as possible, but your post is kind of offensive to someone who is part of LGBTQ+. Being gay in fact does mean they won't date someone of the opposite sex, that's literally what gay means. If they would that makes them Bi or Pan.

If the issue lies with your husband's inappropriate behavior than the person's sexual orientation doesn't mean anything as it's an issue with how your spouse if behaving, but your post reads more like you are mad at this homosexual gay co-worker than with your husband.

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 5:08 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709271
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:09 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

"If i get frustrated hearing about gay girl im a jealous crazy bitch."

I hope those aren't his words!!!

A little understanding and reassurance wouldn't be asking too much of him.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709272
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:11 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Mine is definitely that clueless.

There’s a phrase called Tenderness Pimping these jerks is to get people to pay attention to them.

It doesn’t always start of with the intent to obtain sexual attention. It can morph into that is they don’t have good boundaries.


It looks similar to what my Cheater does. He wants people to pay attention to him, even males. He just wants to be the center of attention. Ick

BW, 54 WH 53When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2127   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8709273
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:12 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I don't think her post read that she was angry at anybody but her husband.

Lots of heterosexual men and women have had same sex affairs.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709275
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Hard to believe a gay woman could be that "friendly" with a man...

She even decided not to come to work for extra hours on the weekend because wh was taking the weekend off (our familys Christmas). He told me she said if he wasnt coming in neither would she...

And i have gay friends who are NEVER this sort of friendly with the opposite sex, so ya red flag is waving.

It is more that wh behavior is unacceptable no matter what anyones sexual orientation is. He is to friendly and personal with everyone with a vagina!

And yet he isnt in any way that personal or affectionate with ME...his WIFE!!


4 affairs? Yikes. You should be worried.

Why stay? Seems bad for you.

Thats actually the tip of the iceberg with him but i stay because i own a family inherited farm that i refuse to lose because of him. So when i win the lottery or get an inheritance i can buy him out with sure ill divorce. Until then im not giving up MY dream because of his dick.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709276
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Lots of heterosexual men and women have had same sex affairs.

Are they really hetero are are they bi or even trans and there aren't feeling safe enough to come out. I mean this forum doesn't even have the options for my gender, I identify as non-binary but this site only has male or female. The world decades later isn't safe for us.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709277
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

The problem seems to be that your WH isn’t a safe partner. It doesn’t really matter the orientation of the person that he’s flirting with. He’s clearly hitting on this person and you are being triggered, but instead of getting remorse and understanding, you are getting more of the same crap. So what can you do to protect your heart since he is unwilling to?

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 347   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8709278
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 5:23 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Regardless of her sexual orientation the fact that wh talks about her more than just a little DRIVES ME NUTS!

OMG

I said this in thr first post. It doesnt matter if shes gay, if shes trans. It doesnt fuckibg matter.

What MATTERS IS HIS BEHAVIOUR.


GRRRRR

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709280
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:24 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Hard to believe a gay woman could be that "friendly" with a man...

We we not supposed to have friends unless we are attracted to them?

She even decided not to come to work for extra hours on the weekend because wh was taking the weekend off (our familys Christmas). He told me she said if he wasnt coming in neither would she...

Maybe he is the only person she feels safe working with? Maybe other people she works with treat her with disrespect of make really gross comment. The amount of people who have made comments since I stopped dating men, telling me that I need to just find the right man or that they can fix me being gay, is more than 75% of the men I talk to.

And i have gay friends who are NEVER this sort of friendly with the opposite sex, so ya red flag is waving.

One person doesn't speak for an entire group of people. We aren't all the same. Are you comfortable with your stance that someone isn't actually gay if they have friendships with men?

It is more that wh behavior is unacceptable no matter what anyones sexual orientation is. He is to friendly and personal with everyone with a vagina!

Not all lesbians or even femme presenting people have vaginas.

And yet he isnt in any way that personal or affectionate with ME...his WIFE!!

I am sorry your husband isn't meeting your expectations but a lot of what you have said in this post is homophobic.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709281
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:25 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

If a MOD pops in here, I would REALLY like to talk to you please!

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709282
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:25 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

The point of her post is that she does not trust her H and is angry at him.

We have a member here whose wife cheated with a women and the are happily R. I was not trying to t/j this into a whole other discussion.

I don't want to say anything else because I don't want to upset you or anyone else without meaning to.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709283
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:27 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

The point of her post is that she does not trust her H and is angry at him.

We have a member here whose wife cheated with a women and the are happily R. I was not trying to t/j this into a whole other discussion.

I don't want to say anything else because I don't want to upset you or anyone else without meaning to.

That may have been the point of her post but she made enough comments to make my Transgender gay self feel uncomfortable

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709284
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 5:29 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I don’t believe these posts were meant as homophobic. I think the OP is saying that her husband is standing behind the idea of because she isn’t sexually interested in him because of her sexuality that she is safe for him to be around. But the root of the issue is that the WH doesn’t have good boundaries and is gaslighting the OP by trying to make her feel crazy by asking him to maintain boundaries.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 347   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8709285
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:30 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

WS - yes it's normal for them to be so clueless. They haven't worked towards setting up appropriate boundaries, so they overshare.

Former WS - hopefully it isn't normal for them because they've done the work on themselves and have set up boundaries to set up the windows/walls (from Not Just Friends) to not overshare their M issues with coworkers.

I get that you're venting, but I've been on here for a few years. Some of the newer SI folks won't know your situation & that you're staying with your WS by choice. It can be confusing because you haven't taken the advice that is normally given.

My XH was somewhat similar. I'd say that he was oversharing, but it never stopped him because my thoughts & feelings didn't matter to him. All that mattered was what he thought he was entitled to do & say.

You are stuck between a rock & a hard place, and it will be difficult to effect any change because your WS doesn't seem to want to change. He does for a little bit, but not enough to effectively work through issues & change.

Hang in there, Dragn.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 778   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8709286
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:32 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I don’t believe these posts were meant as homophobic. I think the OP is saying that her husband is standing behind the idea of because she isn’t sexually interested in him because of her sexuality that she is safe for him to be around. But the root of the issue is that the WH doesn’t have good boundaries and is gaslighting the OP by trying to make her feel crazy by asking him to maintain boundaries.

Someone doesn't have to be aware of their homophobia for their comments to be homophobic. There were comments made trying to police who a gay person can be friends with that. As if we can only spend time with our Own kind.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709287
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Dragnheart I am a huge fan and I am sorry your husband doesn't get it.

You are uncomfortable with his behavior. And given his unchecked need for attention I wouldn't fully rely on his interpretation of events. She may be like this with the group and due to your husband lack of self reflection he is internalizing. He may also, due to her sexual orientation, see her as a challenge to engage.

Lastly...I also understand cheatingwho posts. If you can replace race with sexual orientation and it's offensive then it's offensive.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 5:41 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8709288
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